Teens and society’s timeline
Belinda D
I am trying to explore how I could have done this differently to deepen my understanding. I feel like my schoolishness came back to pounce on me just as I thought I'd 'got this'. I have created a situation where my 15yo daughter is likely to 'fail' and wondering how best to mitigate it.
At the start of this school year she suddenly decided she had to go to college alongside her peers this September. This meant studying for 6 GCSE exams in 8 months - a big but not impossible task. She was determined and arranged to put her horse up for loan to give her more time to study. So she was serious! If I even suggested doing the exams in stages as her brother had successfully done, she just burst into tears, so insistent was she that it had to be done this year.
I took this on board and as an unschooling mum saw it as my task to facilitate this and honour her intention. To respect that she was capable of this even though it was a big task. I arranged all the courses, resources, online tutors. Made her a study plan and timeline. I was good at all this when I was at school, I knew my stuff! And I have to admit, I was invested in this. I liked the idea of her going to college along with her older brother (who has followed this path easily and confidently probably setting me up to be less questioning of her motives).
(This is UK college by the way, 16 - 18, not university).
In hindsight I can see that so much of her resolve was actually fear. Fear of missing out. Of not being on the conveyor belt. But I’m not sure how I could have swerved around this without undermining her trust in me.
I suppose ideally she would have had more unschooled friends to bounce off, to help her understand the non linear path better. But she has never had close unschooled or even home schooled friends,it just never worked out that way (she has a few, close friends but chooses carefully). She is naturally quite anxious and has conventional aspirations in many ways at the moment and aspires to wearing a suit to work with a corner office, bossing people about! We joke about it but it’s true as well. Her deepest desire is actually to be an actress but she feels this is a faintly ridiculous ambition as nobody will take her seriously- a viewpoint none of the family share but she has picked up from society. Anyway, I digress....
Her studying went well enough for a few weeks but I put pressure on her. I knew that she had a lot to get through. That this was new to her, and I didn't want to see her disappointed. I cringe now, looking back at how I took this on as my responsibility. I realised quickly that she wasn’t an independent learner and that she needed to bounce off me. So I took that on, and studied with her, and when we were ‘in the zone’ it was fun and stimulating for us both. She was engaged and thoughtful and understood all the material easily. However she quickly grew reluctant to meet up and we started to argue. Clouds gathered.
(Nearly!) All the things my kids wanted to explore up to now I could provide, arrange, manifest. I could be the fairy godmother and facilitator. But suddenly my daughter wants something that I can't do for her. She wants to go to college with her friends and while I have set her up with everything she needs, it's her who has to actually get down to it! Duh! I was so worried about protecting her from disappointment. I so wanted her to think "I CAN" study if I want to, that unschooling hasn't put her at a disadvantage, that she can" keep up". I tried to help her WAY too much.
In the UK we have to pay privately for these exams if we home school. So by December I had paid €650 ($~800?) in entry fees, as she was still insistent that she wanted to do the exams in June and I still wanted to honour that intention.
By January or so all study had pretty much stopped, and I was feeling pretty tense. I was, to be frank, upset about the money, and also worried about the fallout for her-had I set her up to 'fail' ? Why was she finding this so difficult? Was it my duty to push her to study? Was I letting her down by backing off? She was - and still is - cheerfully telling everyone she is doing 6 GCSE's and going to college. She is absolutely capable of the study and finds the subject matter easy but says she can't bear to do it, it makes her feel horrible. I have slowly (too slowly!) come to realise that this is all her own stuff to deal with. An unschooling mum should be partnering, not leaving them to 'deal with it' but I am realising that there is a balance and my partnering was becoming controlling and interfering. In trying to honour her wishes and facilitate her goals I have created a situation where she feels shoulds and oughts. Have I set her up to fail?
After listening to Pam Shorooshian's very helpful podcast about unschooling teens recently I have decided there is no real choice - for both of us - but to bring back the joy. To look at my daughter without wondering 'when will she get down to study'?, to let go of the $800, to see HER in her wholeness. I am also talking more, casually, here and there, about why we unschool. In my reluctance to label us I have also neglected to explain us, to explore the why. (It's not just because schools round here are rubbish, or because we couldn't be bothered to get up early!) And I am hoping that the idea of conscious choice, of self knowledge, of time taken, will start to register and take the panic away from her desire to step on the conveyor belt with everyone else. I am trying to mitigate the damage that might have been done with a dose of joy and self knowledge and to hint at the freedom and choice she has. I am hoping that by the time the exams roll around that she will have glimpsed some of the other choices and pathways that might be, and have less riding on them, even if one of those choices is still exams - but in her own time on her own terms. I have at least shown her that it's within her reach if she chooses.
I am aware I am putting this out to you without any clear question, but I have been feeling lonely with all this and needing to put it down to clarify. My husband is much more conventional in his attitude to exams and is not really the best person to bounce this off. He doesn’t believe she would be better off in school but can see it has got a bit toxic/intense between my daughter and I. He worries about the disparity between her application and ambition but knows better now than to actively interfere as he can see how much good is also happening. He has pledged to trust me but I can’t then use him as a sounding board.
beatrice.mantovani@...
I'm from France originally, I don't know much about the GCSE's, but I know that in France some unschooled teens manage to take the Bacalauréat (end of high school exams) and get a passing grade with very little studying. Their grades are sometimes barely passing, but if it's just the piece of paper you need, then that's good enough ;-) Some of them take the exams first just to see how it goes the first time (to try it out), and then take them again a year later (or not).
wildwestsky@...
Here are a few of my reactions to your post.
>> I am trying to explore how I could have done this differently to deepen my understanding. <<-Excellent!! Because our intention isn't perfection, is it? Despite how it feels to read about unschooling online from experienced unschoolers in hindsight, unschooling IRL (in real life) happens in real time. The best we can do is catch ourselves in the midst of something going wrong, reflect, course correct, and do better next time. You're doing it!! I hope you'll be gentle with yourself.
>> I feel like my schoolishness came back to pounce on me just as I thought I'd 'got this'.<<-Yup. Unschooling is like Buddhism -- it works when approached with a Beginner's Mind. When we think we've got it, we inevitably mess it up...which generally takes us to a higher level of assimilation and learning, so really isn't a mess-up at all. Being present, having clear intentions, observing ourselves from outside ourselves -- these are all things Unschooling has in common with that ancient eastern religion. So, when we catch ourselves thinking we've achieved expert status, that's usually the time to recall our Beginner's Mind and feel our way back into the basics.
>> I have created a situation where my 15yo daughter is likely to 'fail' <<-You refer to this belief a couple of times in your post. That you have allowed her to fail. Even arranged her failure for her! That it's your job to soften it for her when she does fail. Can you question those beliefs? Do you have factual evidence for any of them? The kind of evidence where you know absolutely without a doubt that it's true? Are you really such a big deal that you have arranged her failure? ;-)
>>and wondering how best to mitigate it.<<
>>But I’m not sure how I could have swerved around this without undermining her trust in me. <<
-Bingo. Could you have? Was the past version of you in possession of the skills to help her avoid this situation without undermining the trust that is so central to your unschooling and your relationship? Perhaps next time, you'll possess that skill set *because* of this current situation.
-What I gather from this statement is that you believe you SHOULD have been able to help her not want what she clearly said she wanted, all without damaging your relationship. Can you question that one?
>>However she quickly grew reluctant to meet up and we started to argue.<<
-WHY was she reluctant to meet up? I haven't seen that answer in your post. Have you asked her? Does she know? Do you?
>>I so wanted her to think "I CAN" study if I want to, that unschooling hasn't put her at a disadvantage, that she can" keep up".<<-Ahhhhhh. THIS statement feels very honest to me, and also a little less than honest. (I'm stating this neutrally, it's not an attack on your integrity. I just mean that our human brain is designed to want approval and all of us are susceptible to being less than honest about our true intentions.)
-Yes. You wanted her to think she could pass if she REALLY wants it. You wanted her to believe that unschooling hasn't put her at a disadvantage and that she can keep up.
-WHY did you want her to think those things?
-The context of your post seems to insinuate that you want her to believe those things *for her own* self efficacy and self esteem.
-I would offer that maybe YOU wanted her to approve of *you* and *your* choice to unschool her. Or that maybe you are afraid to face the fact that those statements aren't necessarily true? While unschooling may not put her at a disadvantage in Life, doesn't it put her at a disadvantage in achieving this particular short term goal? Perhaps you're afraid that she can't get what she wants at this moment with what you've given her, afraid unschooling has failed her. and afraid THAT will damage your relationship.
-These might sound less than gentle -- but again, I'm saying this with compassion and respect for the self reflection you're doing now for your children's benefit. Is this a spiderweb in the basement that needs a light shone on it? It helps to examine it.
>>An unschooling mum should be partnering, not leaving them to 'deal with it'<<-I'm wondering what your definition of partnering is. For myself, I've found that partnering with my almost-11yo is a very different act of love than partnering with my 5yo was. I'm thinking of Sandra's "me-time" graph. We are in the job of raising adults here, and while it's not good unschooling to make their lives arbitrarily harder, it seems equally ineffective to make their lives arbitrarily easier. Sweeter, yes. Joyful, yes. But easier or failing less often... I don't think so.
-Can you think of an instance where it might actually be GOOD partnership to "leave her to deal with it"? If we think of the graph as an illustration not just of time but of personal responsibility, then by age 15 the child is likely dealing with a lot of their own responsibility and the mom has given a lot back to the kid that she used to carry for them. I myself find that I need to regularly re-evaluate how a good partner would act in a given situation, and not get stuck with outdated concepts about what the perfect unschooling mom in my head "should" do.
-This is not to encourage you to do less as her partner -- rather, to look at the child you have now and the partner she needs in that moment. Don't get caught up in ideas of her, or ideas of yourself as "a" partner. Be HER partner.
>>Have I set her up to fail?<<-So what if you have? What's so terrible about failing? There are a lot of mentions of this idea in your post. I would offer that you have a lot of deschooling to do around the idea of failure. There is NO success without failure! Failure is the building block of success. Why are you so afraid of her failing? What are you really afraid of?
-It seems to me that she set HERSELF up to fail. She took on a very difficult, long-term project, was very enthusiastic in the beginning, and then lost steam. She made a promise to herself and she's failing to keep it. On the other hand, you made promises to her and you've kept them. It's ok for her to fail. It's ok for her to change her mind about taking the tests. It's ok for her to not do the work and then cram at the last minute and succeed. Those are all potential outcomes, over which she has some control and you have very little.
>>I am hoping that by the time the exams roll around that she will have glimpsed some of the other choices and pathways that might be, and have less riding on them, even if one of those choices is still exams - but in her own time on her own terms.<<-Can you let go of this hope that she will somehow avoid the pain of failure? Can you embrace that you are raising an unschooled teen who will live in the REAL world (not unschooling world) and who will benefit from learning sooner rather than later that she can't magically wish to accomplish great things without putting in sweat equity, IF she fails at these exams and IF she doesn't get to go to college with her friends?
-I don't mean that you shouldn't have hope that she'll avoid the suffering you see on the horizon. What I mean is that you've said many times that you believe she CAN do this. Do you also believe that she can handle the consequences if she fails? The best partner for your daughter is one who understands where they stop and she starts. The way to find that line is to get really neutral in your own mind, on ALL of the potential outcomes.
-Re: the money. If the money was a driving force in your controlling/intense behavior, I think I would apologize to her for that. Share with her the unschooling principle about allowing kids to quit even when it costs us parents money, WHY we adhere to it, and apologize for losing sight of it.
-In our family, we make expectations clear in advance: greater amounts of money may require greater amounts of commitment. We ask our kiddo to be mindful, and to be willing to commit to what's required when we invest in activities. We would never hold him hostage in this contract, but we do make an effort to be explicit about what works and doesn't work for us in our comfort level of how family funds are spent. When he was younger, we simply didn't spend money that we weren't ok with losing if he opted out. We didn't talk too much and confuse him or take the chance of shaming him. Now that he's older, though, we've transferred some of that accountability for the spending decision to him. If we forget to have the conversation with him about expectations, then the contract doesn't exist at all. It makes sense that at 15, you can explain some of your emotion around money to her. Not as a way of blaming her, but as a way of helping her understand your controlling behaviors.
~Tara Joe Farrell
Sandra Dodd
-=- Some of them take the exams first just to see how it goes the first time (to try it out), and then take them again a year later (or not). -=-
One of my kids has taken the GED. I tried hard to persuade him to take it “cold.” I think he would have passed fine. He studied a bit, though, and now will never know how he would have done otherwise. :-) But he passed well and easily with a bit of review of what was in the booklet, and a brief pep talk from me about an essay being no big deal—make a statement, talk about why, and summarize.
Sandra
semajrak@...
Sometimes we make the mistake of trying to own our children's experience. I've done it. We get really enthusiastic about something they express interest in, and we kinda take it over in our pursuit of "helping" them. In doing so, we forget that there are many ways to climb a mountain, many mountains to climb, and just because our kids stand in awe of a mountain one day, doesn't mean they'll want to climb it the next. It isn't helpful for us to plan their ascent for them as we dream of reaching the top ourselves.
***Why was she finding this so difficult?***
***Was it my duty to push her to study?***
What if she wanted to learn to paint? What if she wanted to play the flute? What if she wanted to get to the next level of a videogame? What if she wanted to bake a cake? What are some of the things you might have done to support and facilitate any of her other interests? Do that.
I was never a studious person in school, even in University. I did well enough, but I didn't study. My parents never pushed me to. My husband, on the other hand, studied hard. 99% was never good enough for him. For me, I was content to learn what I was interested in learning. I didn't care about grades beyond being allowed to continue my course of study. I didn't pursue a career in academics. My husband did. We had different interests, pursuits, and styles of learning. We still do. :-)
If Ethan does decide to go to college, neither of us will push him to do anything. We'll support him where he needs us. We'll offer some of our experience probably, but not so much as to colour his pursuit with our expectations--just enough for him to continue to trust that we might be a valuable resource for him should he need us. Really, our ultimate goal is to help him trust that he has the capability to find and put to use whatever works best for him in pursuit of his own goals for himself.
***I am also talking more, casually, here and there, about why we unschool. In my reluctance to label us I have also neglected to explain us, to explore the why. (It's not just because schools round here are rubbish, or because we couldn't be bothered to get up early!) And I am hoping that the idea of conscious choice, of self knowledge, of time taken, will start to register and take the panic away from her desire to step on the conveyor belt with everyone else.***
If it were me, I wouldn't do a lot more talking or explaining. I've never found it necessary or helpful. I'd focus on being supportive of needs, creative about resources, and attentive to personality and style of learning. Explaining why you unschool isn't going to build confidence. Confidence is built by unschooling well. Focus on that and you won't need to explain why you do what you do. It'll be obvious to you and to your daughter.
If anything, I might apologize for taking over so that she knows it wasn't that she "failed" or isn't capable. It seems to be more that she didn't have the opportunity to explore and find what might work best for her. In a talk by Neil Gaiman that I was listening to recently, he said that we sometimes learn more from the bad books we write than the good ones. Let your daughter write some bad books. It is, after all, her story. :-)