Sherry Franklin

Hello,

My children have been unschooled since the end of second grade for the past six years.  We lived abroad during that time.  Our kids are now both 14 and asked to go to high school.  We moved back to the states for that express purpose and they entered high school in North Carolina.  The first week or so was a bit rocky, but they have really exceeded all of their own expectations.  My daughter is thriving academically and has made friends.  She is normally more introverted.  My son has struggled a bit with the academics, but his social life is very full, which is what he was hoping for.  

Today my son skipped a class.  I received a call from the school.  I need some guidance as to how unschooling principles can guide my actions and reactions in this type of a situation.  I was very upset at first.  After some reflection I believe that he should meet whatever consequences the school gives.  I am still an unschooling parent with unschooled kids choosing to go to school, and yet this has thrown me mentally and emotionally.  I know what society would have me do...take away all electronics and probably a grounding, and while that felt really good to think about it also made me feel a horrible sense of helplessness and depression.  

If anyone can help me walk myself through this I would appreciate it.  My son is a very open child and is talking to me about this.  I am grateful for that.  He feels terribly. 

Kind regards, 

Sherry 


Sandra Dodd

-=-I need some guidance as to how unschooling principles can guide my actions and reactions in this type of a situation.-=-

He’s making his own choices. If he’s there to learn, this is a learning experience, too. :-)

I skipped lots of classes when I was in school, but it was before the days that schools collected funding by the number of kids in class each hour, so they didn’t have the same incentive to hunt me down. That could be a factor in your case (or not; don’t know).


-=- I was very upset at first. After some reflection I believe that he should meet whatever consequences the school gives.-=-

Even without reflection, what are your options?
Once a kid’s in school, the school’s “consequences” (you mean punishment by that, right?) are part of the package. I don’t think you have the power or option to say “I con’t accept these ‘consequences,’” outside of pulling him out of school.


-=- I am still an unschooling parent with unschooled kids choosing to go to school…-=-

I think you’re a parent of kids enrolled in school.
The things you came to believe while unschooling are still part of your sensibility, and maybe part of your conscience now, but you’re not unschooling. You might be again in the future.


-=-... and yet this has thrown me mentally and emotionally. I know what society would have me do...take away all electronics and probably a grounding, and while that felt really good to think about it also made me feel a horrible sense of helplessness and depression. -=-

Take away all electronics for ditching one class? That’s quite a jump.

ARE you helpless? Why would you be helpless? You could say it was a bad idea and you’d rather he didn’t do it again, but you said he was there for the social life, and ditching class sometimes is part of social life.

All you need to say to the school is “thanks for letting me know; I’ll talk to him.” Maybe not even that.

Sandra

Megan Valnes

My son is 14 and also decided to go to high school this year after 5 years of unschooling. I still have 4 kids at home, unschooling. 

My son has been tardy a couple times for classes and I have no idea how he’s doing with his schoolwork. I never see him studying, but we do talk about the different books he’s been reading for English class. His top priority for going to school seems to be a connected social life, which he is achieving. He’s made many friends and seems to be having a lot of fun during his hours away! School is 100% his choice and I will support him however he needs. I’m expecting some low grades on his report card because I know he’s missed some big projects and, like I said, he doesn’t study. How society expects me to react to his low grades or tardies means nothing to me. The school has its own consequences (punishments) for transgressions against their rules and my son understands that. He also knows that he won’t suffer any consequences at home for what he does or doesn’t do in school (with the exception of hurting another person, which is not his thing at all, so I’m not worried). Home is still a safe place. If he chooses to not study and get bad grades, then his report card will reflect that and we can go from there. I have offered to help him, but he turns me down, and seems very comfortable on his own. I choose to approach this as an unschooling parent: communication, understanding, and appropriate expectations are paramount. His happiness is my meter and right now, he’s flying high. 

On Wed, Oct 24, 2018 at 19:44 Sherry Franklin sherryfranklin150@... [AlwaysLearning] <[email protected]> wrote:
 

Hello,


My children have been unschooled since the end of second grade for the past six years.  We lived abroad during that time.  Our kids are now both 14 and asked to go to high school.  We moved back to the states for that express purpose and they entered high school in North Carolina.  The first week or so was a bit rocky, but they have really exceeded all of their own expectations.  My daughter is thriving academically and has made friends.  She is normally more introverted.  My son has struggled a bit with the academics, but his social life is very full, which is what he was hoping for.  

Today my son skipped a class.  I received a call from the school.  I need some guidance as to how unschooling principles can guide my actions and reactions in this type of a situation.  I was very upset at first.  After some reflection I believe that he should meet whatever consequences the school gives.  I am still an unschooling parent with unschooled kids choosing to go to school, and yet this has thrown me mentally and emotionally.  I know what society would have me do...take away all electronics and probably a grounding, and while that felt really good to think about it also made me feel a horrible sense of helplessness and depression.  

If anyone can help me walk myself through this I would appreciate it.  My son is a very open child and is talking to me about this.  I am grateful for that.  He feels terribly. 

Kind regards, 

Sherry 


--
With love,
Megan


P.s.🌟Life is supposed to be Fun🌟

Sandra Dodd

I love this:

-=- How society expects me to react to his low grades or tardies means nothing to me. The school has its own consequences (punishments) for transgressions against their rules and my son understands that. He also knows that he won’t suffer any consequences at home for what he does or doesn’t do in school -=-

This is ancient-old now, but some of the ideas can apply, especially to high school, I think.
http://sandradodd.com/schoolchoice


Some of what’s there:

Neither my sister nor I had foreseen the extent to which this detachment would free the entire family, and hadn’t considered the effect on the relationship between the children and their teachers. No longer were these children in school against their will, their parents having submitted them to a lock-up situation. On one hand they had teachers who wanted them to stay in school. On the other hand they had parents who wanted them to stay home. How much more “wanted” could they feel? Each moment they were in school they were aware, and the teacher was aware, that they were there because they, the children, WANTED to be there! These factors changed the way the kids responded to assignments, to interpersonal problems, and to threats from the teacher (which have little power without the backing of the parents.)
. . . .

Although the ideal might be children who have never gone to school a day in their lives, reality isn’t always ideal. If your children press you to let them go to school, this detachment option might be a way for you to have your cake and eat it too. The philosophies of choice, freedom, child-led learning, “bliss-led learning,” and personal responsibility can be honored and spread to new audiences by parents treating children as humans with rights and responsibilities whether they are sixteen, twelve, or eight years old.
____________________________________

Sandra

Tauna Grinager

My response is not about our son. He is 12yo, always unschooled, and so far has no interest in school. But for my childhood, my brother and I were required to go to school, and that was the extent of my parent’s interest. We were late quite often, and they never cared. They never had any interest in our homework and not any real interest in grades. I was a “good” student and got high marks. My brother wasn’t, but I don’t remember them making an issue out of it. One clear memory I have is when I was in late high school and cut classes one day (it was a spontaneous decision to do something more fun with friends) - I overheard the school call later that night, and my dad answered. His words were to the effect of: “You can’t even pronounce her name right, so I know you don’t know her, and don’t care about her. You just want your funding. I don’t give a **** about your funding. If she took a day off, maybe she just needed a day off.” I have a lot of bad memories of my father, but that’s one of the good ones! I always knew that if I needed a day off from school, or just wanted one, they’d get it “excused”. This was just one time where I hadn’t planned ahead.

There were a lot of issues we had in our childhoods…but one of the areas I feel my parents got right was they never made us feel that the school was more important than us. They saw it as an institution that offered us some things better than they could do for us at home. But they never let it rule our lives. I credit that upbringing for making it easier for me to understand unschooling. My husband’s parents were much like mine, too. Unschooling is the next step in progression for our child.

Hope that helps in some way!
Tauna Grinager


On Oct 26, 2018, at 8:54 AM, Sandra Dodd Sandra@... [AlwaysLearning] <[email protected]> wrote:

I love this:

-=- How society expects me to react to his low grades or tardies means nothing to me. The school has its own consequences (punishments) for transgressions against their rules and my son understands that. He also knows that he won’t suffer any consequences at home for what he does or doesn’t do in school -=-


lisajceledon

<<. I know what society would have me do...take away all
electronics and probably a grounding, and while that felt really good to
think about it also made me feel a horrible sense of helplessness and
depression.>>

My previously unschooled kids are currently in school not by choice for the time being. A huge thing I've noticed for myself is unpacking what you describe here, the projected expectations of the adults at the school that I participate with them in creating the vision of school as all-encompassing and important.

The best thing I can do for them is let school be at school and home is home.

It helps to understand that the school staff and teachers really believe in what they say and do, that what they do works for them and for lots of families to exercise control over a big, various group of kids/teens who don't want to be there.

But you don't have to participate! The thing I focus on is, are my kids disrupting the learning environment for others, or making the class less safe? I wouldn't allow them to do that at a museum or playground, so if that's what is happening, I deal with that, privately, with them, and I also can let the teachers know I've done that (without ever once saying I didn't ground them or take anything away).

One of my children had a lot of trouble adjusting at first and the teacher was very pushy about sending a system of rewards and consequences home with him. I let her talk but I didn't agree or participate.

The school doesn't have to know anything at all about what you do at home as far as his ipad and computer. :) You can thank them for letting you know and say you'll talk to him. I'd ask him about it. I'd also let him know that if he's choosing to be at school, it upsets and sometimes scares the teachers and other adults when kids skip class, because they have a huge responsiblity for a lot of kids! 

Their reactions aren't his responsibility but if a teacher is worrying about missing students it might throw them off in ways that effect the kids that have to be there. It isn't very kind to the teachers to skip their classes. If he finds a particular class boring or pointless see if he can drop it and take something else more fun (or just drop it). If he isnt attached to the idea of graduating, you might be able to have him drop any class. I don't know but it might be worth looking into.

Sometimes teachers/school staff need to believe they understand children, even the parent's own children, better than the parent does. *You* know that isn't true. 

Your anxiety and depression with what you think their expectations of you are is part of your own school and social conditioning. Try to lighten up and rememeber that they are not *your* teachers, and even if they want to be the bosses of your home, you don't have to let them. :) The better you see the ways they try to extend their own anxiety-ridden job into your home life, the easier it is to be kind to yourself and your kids and them too by gently or firmly keeping their hands on their own business, and you on yours.

Lisa Celedon 




lisajceledon

Oh, drat, sorry, I just saw my reply posted! I guess the formatting didn't go through when I responded through my phone, its all one big lump of words with no paragraph breaks. If I can get to my computer in a bit, I'll resend it more digestible!



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