rschick@...

My 14yo son Trevor has been having difficulty connecting with his school friends, and it's making him feel very self-conscious, non-confident, and stressed. He feels that he can't find things to talk about because he doesn't go to school, and he doesn't feel that he can be honest with them about what he does during the school day. They occasionally will ask him about school, whether he is going to high school next year, and how he is going to go to college. He has told me he hates "lying" about what he does at home, and feels like there isn't anyone else in the world in the same situation as he is.


It breaks my heart that he's so stressed out about this because he is such an amazing person with a wide variety of interests and skills. But at the same time, I don't think it will do any good for him to try to explain unschooling to his friends.


We've talked about a couple of things we could try:


* find other unschoolers that he could chat with on an audio or video call, so he wouldn't feel like he's the only one in the world who has felt this way

* craft answers to some of the common questions he gets about what he does at home, and about his future plans, so he's better prepared to answer them

* help him to see his own learning by keeping a journal that I could share with him, and sharing online articles, podcasts, and other resources with him

* find and share stories of other unschoolers with him, so he can see some of the ways people lead successful lives without school

* come up with ideas about things he can talk about with his friends, to get past the mental block of "having to talk about school stuff"


I'd love to hear if you think these are good ideas, or if you know of other things I could be doing to help him feel better about himself when he's with his school friends.


Russ


Sandra Dodd

-=-My 14yo son Trevor has been having difficulty connecting with his school friends, and it's making him feel very self-conscious, non-confident, and stressed. He feels that he can't find things to talk about because he doesn't go to school, and he doesn't feel that he can be honest with them about what he does during the school day. =-

My first thought was to wonder why he’s home, and how long you’ve been unschooling.
If you’re willing to expand some, we could help better.

If he’s freshly out of school and WANTED to be, get him out and about more—maybe there are adult or older teen friends doing things he’s interested in. Find clubs or activities for you both, or for your whole family if there are more in your family.

If your life is bigger and busier than school, he will have things to tell his friends.

If your life is smaller and quieter than school, that might make him lack confidence for sure.

-=-It breaks my heart that he's so stressed out about this because he is such an amazing person with a wide variety of interests and skills. But at the same time, I don't think it will do any good for him to try to explain unschooling to his friends.-=-

That seems to be set up as a dichotomy of some sort, as though he either TOTALLY explains unschooling, or lies and dodges.

-=-* find and share stories of other unschoolers with him, so he can see some of the ways people lead successful lives without school-=-

“Successful lives” might be too much to look for or promise. How about happy lives? Normal lives? Lives of learning?
If he’s not aware that other unschoolers exist, get to a conference, or look for videos or blogs or facebook friends with photos and stories to share. Find locals. See what they’re doing. Maybe he could be a mother’s helper and play with a younger unschooled child who needs a buddy for video games or art or slime making or sports practice or something, and he could make some money, too.

If you can afford the time and cost, get out of town. Do cool overnight trips.

If you continue to be worried, consider getting help by Skype from someone who knows lots about unschooling and could maybe help you, or him, or both.

http://sandradodd.com/issues/therapy

He might (or you might, or both in the car or something) like to listen to the short podcasts here:

http://unschoolingsupport.com

If you are fairly new to this, don’t leave him to figure things out on his own, and you don’t need to talk about unschooling a lot, but the parents need to be actively, pointedly deschooling themselves, and making life rich and varied.

Sandra

rschick@...

Thanks Sandra for the great suggestions and links. I've listened to Amy Childs' podcasts and they were amazing, I think I will get in touch with her. I'll also put her podcast on in the car and see what he thinks.

Trevor was in school until the end of grade 5, so we've been unschooling for three years. There were aspects of school that he liked, such as Lego Robotics, sports, and art, but he struggled with reading so he was under a lot of stress and falling behind in subjects that required reading well. He wants to be out of school, and we have all been much happier these past three years.

We are a part of some sports clubs, and do travel once in a while, but I think you're right that we need to work on making our life bigger and busier than school.

Russ

Jo Isaac

==feels like there isn't anyone else in the world in the same situation as he is.==

If he doesn't know any other unschoolers, then he is going to feel like that. Find unschooling kids his age - if not locally, online. If he games, there are many many unschoolers wanting to game and skype/discord at all hours (across many time zones). If he likes board games, there are board game groups in gaming shops he might like.


==* find other unschoolers that he could chat with on an audio or video call, so he wouldn't feel like he's the only one in the world who has felt this way==

Definitely. As soon as possible. Join the Facebook group Unschooling Gamers, there is also a yahoo group of the same name.

==* craft answers to some of the common questions he gets about what he does at home, and about his future plans, so he's better prepared to answer them==

I would do that, yes. We have done that for when my son gets questioned by school cousins - usually though instead of answering, we turn the questioning back on to them.

==* help him to see his own learning by keeping a journal that I could share with him, and sharing online articles, podcasts, and other resources with him==

Is he worried about his own learning? You didn't say so. I wouldn't do this otherwise, it seems like it could mess with his (and yours) deschooling.

Jo


Rinelle

> There were aspects of school that he liked, such as Lego Robotics, sports, and art, but he struggled with reading so he was under a lot of stress and falling behind in subjects that required reading well.

> He wants to be out of school, and we have all been much happier these past three years.

 

Find some of those things he loved, and do them without school! My daughter loves doing robotics courses, and many older, schooled kids she’s talked to are jealous that she gets the chance to. Either get some at home to play with, or see if you can find some local courses. Our local library has one off courses for different age groups and with a variety of different types of robots. The lego ones are quite expensive, but there are a lot of cheaper options, such as the Edison (which works with lego).

 

Get lots of art materials for him to experiment with. Watch YouTube tutorials for different kinds of art. We’ve just discovered screen printing, and are all addicted!

 

Then when his friends ask, he’ll have something to tell them!

 

Sandra Dodd

-=-he struggled with reading so he was under a lot of stress and falling behind in subjects that required reading well. He wants to be out of school, and we have all been much happier these past three years.-=-

i’m going to list some clubs and meet-ups I’ve known other people be involved with—not necessarily kids or teens, but mixed ages. I think have experiences involving learning or service or both could move him toward a new place where what his friends think is minor. But he would need an also-involved parent, at least at first.

Geology clubs
local historical society meet-ups and walking tours
model train clubs (sometimes public displays, sometimes involving creation of miniatures)
hiking clubs
gardening/horiculture clubs (which might have more older women, which might get him some casual jobs helping them)
historical re-enactment events or ongoing-all-year clubs
Folk dance, swing dance, contradance
Music for dance events
rock groups (there is a newish franchise called School of Rock where there are lessons and jams for kids who want to try it out, or do it lots)
choirs (community, church, through colleges or universities sometimes)
pottery classes
cooking classes or clubs
woodworking workshops
tennis

Even going to events and watching other people with their hobbies could, in itself, be interesting and broaden your (family) knowledge of what’s around in the world near you, you could meet more people and make more connections (socially, intellectually), so….

farming/agricultural fairs (animals, plants, jam of pie contests)
car shows (restoration)
races (cars, motorbikes, bicycles, horses, ferrets….. find what’s happening and go take a look)

Look in local, city/county/regional publications or webpages for things that are happening. Consider some speical, memorable occasional things (seeing hot air balloons) and also regular, weekly-meet-up things.

Sandra

Sandra Dodd

-=-My 14yo son Trevor has been having difficulty connecting with his school friends-=-

If he had just left school, this would make more sense but if he’s going to be a successful unschooler—thriving and happy and learning—it mght be better not to HAVE “school friend.”

Surely he could have gaming friends, or roller-blading friends, or comic-book-store friends, or movie-watching friends.
If he has “school friends” (and the parents think of it that way, and he thinks of it that way) then he is an outsider.

ALSO…

just to consider…

“My son who is a recovering alcoholic has been havng difficulty connecting with his friends at the bar.”


Sandra

Belinda D

My Son is 15 and has unschooled for about 4 years.   I thought I’d share some thoughts on him and his friendships.

He now has friends both schooled, homeschooled and unschooled, and is comfortable with all of them but I have never heard any of them quiz him in depth about what he gets up to - they just seem to slot together into whatever activity they are doing at the time.  It’s more my daughter who feels a need to justify herself - the boys just seem to be more in the moment.  Maybe Louis is just better at deflecting them from the subject!  He is sensitive to the fact (because we have talked about it) that they would probably be insanely jealous if they knew what he got up to all day (sleeping and gaming? shock!!! in fact of course it’s much more than that but he knows better than to explain).  He is also acutely aware that school would ‘waste' masses of his precious time. On the few times I’ve heard him talk about his days to people, while he is deliberately vague he definitely implies he does more ‘study’ than he actually does.  That doesn’t mean he thinks he ought to be but that he is trying to deflect the subject.  

I have made an effort to know and connect with other homeschooling/unschooling families, not necessarily for the children to socialise but so that we can see their trajectory in the world and I can get support and ideas.  Louis sees one family in particular we are friends with - all four children were home schooled in a loving but casual unstructured sort of way (not really unschooled) - they were mostly dyslexic and not ‘academic’ and they are all now over 16 and doing/have done courses in college that they love.  So we can see with our own eyes that the school model is not the only way. One of their boys beat literally hundreds of applicants to work in the local Apple store with NO formal qualifications. That sort of evidence gives Louis full confidence that he can do this stuff too - if he wants to.

When thinking about your post I realised that Louis tends to round up his schooled friends for a particular event - like paintballing for a birthday party - rather than just ‘hanging out’, so they have a common goal and activity and don’t chew the fat over life in much detail, just have a laugh at the time.  However there are friends who have dropped by the wayside.  He is selective and if he was made to feel stupid or uncomfortable I think he would simply not bother with them.  Many of his schooled (ex) friends are posting stuff on Facebook that he finds really cliched and lame and he is quite mocking of them - the smoking and ‘rebelling’ they are doing. He sometimes mock complains that he doesn’t know how to rebel - asks me for ‘advice'!!!  He rejects the narrowness of their thinking.

His unschooled friends he mainly met through unschooling gamers (the yahoo group).  It took time, persistence and input from me (in the background and mainly unknown to him) to connect him up with like minded folk - but once connected it was and is really affirming for him.  I have made friends too - with the parents I was negotiating with - we all feel richer.  He has friends in all time zones, for all times of day, and they lead to other friends of friends and so on.   It took time and patience but they are there and real.  I actually don’t know if all of his online friends are unschoolers but it took off from there and some definitely are.  I had to get to know what games he likes etc. I don’t play, (he doesn’t want me to, thank goodness), but he knows I am interested and now he tells me stuff, his gaming news.  That online community seems sparkly, creative, witty and fun.  It’s easy for Louis to avoid the negativity.

He also goes to a weekly youth group  which is actually quite political, - mostly schooled but all quite thoughtful and switched on. To begin with, Louis felt a bit marginalised because they all knew each other from various schools but as soon as they all went on a camp together he was integrated fully.  They weren’t old school friends of his so have always seen him as ‘the homeschooled boy’ and just accepted it.  No history, they don’t ask questions, which might be much easier.    Again, this took a huge amount of teeing up secretly in the background from me - he was very suspicious of ’groups’  but I saw he could really enjoy this if he was introduced in the right way.


I suppose in summary, when my son was 14 I spent a lot of time and energy nurturing friendships in the background - setting things up for him to expand his social network but without him realising it overtly.  trawling unschooling gamers yahoo groups, talking to leaders of local groups, organising birthday outings, connecting with local homeschooling families  (there are few unschoolers here).  It was actually REALLY IMPORTANT to move away from his schooled friendship group.  They are still there, but to be dipped into, but not relied on for self esteem and validation.  Louis and I were not doing much ‘together’, (he went through a phase of not wanting to be seen out with ‘mum’) but i still paid attention and my quiet background role was, i think, vital to expanding his world. 


Be as excited as you can be about the possibilities his/your life holds.  So many things to do, so many opportunities when you are not at school.  Take a survey of all the adults you know doing cool things totally unconnected to what they did at school (most, you will find!).  See life and learning in a big way - don’t focus on the ‘learning outcomes’ of each day (I think a ‘learning diary’ would just make louis and I anxious and annoyed).  The jobs that exist now weren’t even thought of when I was at school.  (So many cool jobs I wish i’d known about!)  The jobs that exist in the future? How can school know how to prepare you for them?  No idea!!! 


All this is what's working for us right now. 


Belinda