Kelly Callahan

There have been a couple of situations this week that have me thinking deeper about partnership and collaboration within the family. 

I'm bringing it to the group for a discussion of the ideas, not so much our specific situation, but I will share some of what got me thinking along these lines for some context. And some background. 

My daughter, who will be 14 in a couple weeks, has always kept a foot in the 'schoolish' world (they've been out for 3.5 yrs), attending a homeschool co op and taking the classes and finding classes online etc. This has been all been of her own choice, despite me initiating conversations about other ways to explore interests. Anyway, she has decided to enroll in high school full-time next year, and the school she wants to go to is an arts charter school an hour away. There are busses she can pick up about 1/2 the distance away, and we drive about 30 min to get anywhere from where we live, so that is not unreasonable. She has the option to stay overnight and board at the school part or full time, and wants to do this as well. 

We are supportive of her doing this; ever since leaving regular public school, music has been her focus and she's learned to play about 4 different instruments, sings, etc. and so this school is offering immersion in her passion with people who share it. 

I'm noticing that I have a huge mixed bag of feelings about this- and pertinent to this post- is how it affects the rest of us. One example- we had been planning on a trip over Christmas- someplace warm, taking advantage of all the hotel points my husband racks up while working away each week. I was getting ready for us all to talk and decide where we wanted to go, but checked in with her to see how she would feel about spending her school vacation away from home. She doesn't want to do it. I totally understand- in her shoes, I probably would not either. Making her go does not feel right, but I'm left with this sadness and frustration about letting this trip go. We're now back in the school schedule world, and all the ways that this impacts us...not just the calendar but how it impacts her whole being and availability to do anything else. 

My husband works out of town during the week and is home on weekends. I don't plan on doing too much and minimize commitments for the weekend because I want to see him, and because I know he wants to have some downtime at home. Meanwhile, during the week, I'm doing the same thing but for my kids. 

The result does not feel so much like partnership or collaboration, but me trying to smoothly coordinate and meet everyone's needs with minimal stress and force, which is often done by giving up or revising my own desires. Some of which feel easy and fine, and other times sparks some resentment or sadness or frustration.... and that is happening more and more. 

I read a quote of Sandra's once along the lines of- life will be more peaceful if the Mom wants what the kids want. 
I took that to mean- if we can align ourselves with what our children desire and be with them in it, then there won't be the opposing wills or 'battle's for individual 'needs.' 
To a very large extent, I have done this. Our lives look *so different* than before we were unschooling. But with the nature of our family, the individuals that go in opposite directions, I feel like I'm chopping myself up to align with each member of my family and what he or she needs. 

 It's like I've reached the edge of what I know and have practiced as far as radical unschooling to get to the point I am now, and I have to level up to find peace with what's coming our way now. Or maybe what I have been doing was not helping us to unschool better at all and that is why I feel this way. 

your thoughts and experiences welcome and thank you! 



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Belinda D

There are two things that strike me about your post…

“…...It's like I've reached the edge of what I know and have practiced as far as radical unschooling to get to the point I am now, and I have to level up to find peace with what's coming our way now…..”

Firstly, the age of your daughter - 13/14.  This was a real transition time for me in parenting.  I don’t know how old your other children are (you use the plural) but I do know that for myself there was a kind of subtle mourning period when my children hit this age - my idea of ‘being a family’ and doing things together, had to change.  They became more independent - we no longer hang around together after supper and play cards,  no more family dog walks etc. it’s everyone off to do something they were in the middle of, or to hook up with online friends, or whatever,  without us.  We no longer go on holiday all together - we simply can’t agree on something we all want to do, and I’m not interested in going away if it’s not joyful.  More and more, I just feel privileged to be part of their lives at all, and relish all our conversations and shared activities with each of them.  They are awesome!!! However in between these moments it’s actually more ‘boring' than when they were younger, and feels more like service.  They still need me, they still need nourishing and nurturing and advising and helping and laughing with.  But they would in many ways rather NOT need me. They don’t hang around the kitchen trying to chop things and weigh things and play with the washing up water.  They don’t want me to watch their tv programmes with them. So I’m in the kitchen/garden/laundry room/supermarket (whatever) more on my own, listening to the radio….

But now I’ve got used to this new phase, us all more as individuals, I have taken on more things for myself.  I’ve bought bluetooth headphones and can be more in my own world of music and podcasts.  I have signed up at night school.  We discuss dreams, goals, ambitions together, as well as what’s for supper.  I’m so excited to see them emerge into the bigger world, with me tagging along behind them ;-)

So what I’m saying here is that in my experience this is a time of transition and suddenly parenting and family dynamics take on a different shape.  It’s always good to ‘level up’ but that doesn’t necessarily mean what you have been doing up to now was wrong and not helping you unschool. 

 ("….Or maybe what I have been doing was not helping us to unschool better at all and that is why I feel this way….”)


Secondly, I wonder what was actually meant by you "chopping myself up to align with each member of my family” .  Seems drastic!  How are you chopped up? How many pieces and who gets the biggest? It seems that the negativity you feel about meeting everyone else’s needs but your own is leading you to feel chopped up?  You have the choice of changing how you feel about aligning yourself to others, or to find a way to meet your own desires.  Or both :-)

Ask yourself what exactly is it that you would like that you are not getting. What is missing? What are the desires that you are revising?  If you can be specific about what YOU really feel is missing for you, then your family will probably be helpful in thinking of solutions.  It might be fun for them to. But it wouldn’t look like unschooling to me if they were being asked to put aside their passions and interests and explorations of independence for your idea of what a family should do together and what a mum needs.


Belinda 

Sandra Dodd

-=-To a very large extent, I have done this. Our lives look *so different* than before we were unschooling.-=-

Your daughter didn’t deschool, so she wasn’t really unschooling, I’m guessing.
If she wants music, though, it might need the groups where the music is.


Plan the winter trip without her. Find a family she can stay with, or hire someone to stay with her.

Sandra

Kelly Callahan



 Sandra Dodd wrote:
 



Your daughter didn’t deschool, so she wasn’t really unschooling, I’m guessing.
If she wants music, though, it might need the groups where the music is.


I think this is true. I have written in before about the influence of her friends who were relaxed homeschoolers, but still the whole energy of school, work, requirements, etc has been a part of her social circle and that whole group of friends has been so important to her. Everything she has chosen to do, schoolish-wise, has been her own choice, always. I know she has benefitted greatly from being out of traditional school, and having parents who have embraced radical unschooling. I know she can feel the difference between how we support her vs. her friend's parents; she's remarked on it quite a bit. I can only hope that we're helping her to be in the world of school in the healthiest way possible. 

It's true about the music piece. She has taken private lessons and plays with my husband and sings with friends, but it is not the same as singing in a group. She's pursued that at camps, but her most joyful place with playing music with others, and in our area, schools seem to provide the most consistent opportunities to do so. 


Plan the winter trip without her. Find a family she can stay with, or hire someone to stay with her.


I'm curious about this. I think I would feel terrible if 3 out of 4 of us had an grand adventure, and she was not there, even if it were her choice. I'm having a hard time wrapping my head around how doing that would promote connection between us. Supporting her going to school feels more connecting-  though she'll be away more- than pressuring her to make a different choice. 

It's a reasonable suggestion, for us to go and leave her. She could go, and she's choosing not to. I don't think I could let go of the regret that I would feel, however, if we did that. 

Instead I'll open the conversation up about what is possible- shorter weekend trips, maybe something over the summer when there's more time to be both home and away. This whole winter trip has been something I've been thinking about since last Christmas (every holiday i think I'd like to be away!!) and I've been resistant to giving it up - hence the mixed up feelings. The underlying desire on my part is to do something different and fun with the whole family, and so we'll start with that idea, instead of a pre-formed plan that is probably more important to me than anyone else. And in the end, it wouldn't be a fun trip if only one of us-me- was happy and everyone else went along because of a sense of obligation. 






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Kelly Callahan CCH 
Concentric Healing Classical Homeopathy

(207) 691-6798



Kelly Callahan



 Belinda D  wrote:
 

There are two things that strike me about your post…


“…...It's like I've reached the edge of what I know and have practiced as far as radical unschooling to get to the point I am now, and I have to level up to find peace with what's coming our way now…..”

Firstly, the age of your daughter - 13/14.  This was a real transition time for me in parenting.  I don’t know how old your other children are (you use the plural) but I do know that for myself there was a kind of subtle mourning period when my children hit this age - my idea of ‘being a family’ and doing things together, had to change.  They became more independent - we no longer hang around together after supper and play cards,  no more family dog walks etc. it’s everyone off to do something they were in the middle of, or to hook up with online friends, or whatever,  without us.  We no longer go on holiday all together - we simply can’t agree on something we all want to do, and I’m not interested in going away if it’s not joyful.  

Thanks, I appreciate your perspective on this. It feels true, and I guess what I might have been missing is that I thought I was already in this place and perhaps that is why I didn't recognize it. My kids- my son is 11- have been off doing their own thing, spending most of the time in their rooms when at home, for awhile now. 
But i have gotten used to knowing they are here, even if in their rooms, and having my daughter gone everyday and sleeping over consistently 2 nights a week away from home is different and another level of growing up and separating. 

 
More and more, I just feel privileged to be part of their lives at all, and relish all our conversations and shared activities with each of them.  They are awesome!!! However in between these moments it’s actually more ‘boring' than when they were younger, and feels more like service.  They still need me, they still need nourishing and nurturing and advising and helping and laughing with.  But they would in many ways rather NOT need me. They don’t hang around the kitchen trying to chop things and weigh things and play with the washing up water.  They don’t want me to watch their tv programmes with them. So I’m in the kitchen/garden/laundry room/supermarket (whatever) more on my own, listening to the radio….

yes... all of this. I DO feel that way! I think I had lost touch with it, though. When I am around friends who parent conventionally, or at least more so than I do, is mostly when i am reminded of this. My kids do talk to me, there's no yelling and nagging on my part or battles about 'screens' or any of the other typical parent/teen power struggles. And I happily make them food and drive them places and have their friends over and do things that many other parents grumble and complain about. 
 



So what I’m saying here is that in my experience this is a time of transition and suddenly parenting and family dynamics take on a different shape.  It’s always good to ‘level up’ but that doesn’t necessarily mean what you have been doing up to now was wrong and not helping you unschool.  

 ("….Or maybe what I have been doing was not helping us to unschool better at all and that is why I feel this way….”)

Well, we have only been unschooling 2.5 yrs, and deschooling was very rocky for me in the beginning. I was clinging to a lot!  I think I'm not always confident that the ways that I have grown into unschooling are.. best practices? I don't want to say 'right' or something similar.. i know in the beginning I was looking for new rules and I understand now that's not going to help us unschool better. But as I guess an advanced beginner unschooler :) , there are still questions that come up for me, and that's what this whole situation provoked.  


Secondly, I wonder what was actually meant by you "chopping myself up to align with each member of my family” .  Seems drastic!  How are you chopped up? How many pieces and who gets the biggest? It seems that the negativity you feel about meeting everyone else’s needs but your own is leading you to feel chopped up?  You have the choice of changing how you feel about aligning yourself to others, or to find a way to meet your own desires.  Or both :-)

yeah, that was drastic language! I re-read the email tweaking and revising as I usually do (and half the time dont end up sending the email because I get my own answers in the revising), but that slipped by. Probably because it still felt like an accurate description, when everyone is going in different directions and I'm connected to all of them, by virtue of being the supporting parent who is driving and scheduling and helping to arrange etc.  

Ask yourself what exactly is it that you would like that you are not getting. What is missing? What are the desires that you are revising?  If you can be specific about what YOU really feel is missing for you, then your family will probably be helpful in thinking of solutions.  It might be fun for them to. But it wouldn’t look like unschooling to me if they were being asked to put aside their passions and interests and explorations of independence for your idea of what a family should do together and what a mum needs.

Good questions, thanks... will think about those 

Belinda 


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