What is the parent's role in child's nutrition
Christine Goyette
3 years into moving to radical unschooling (that is changing my attitudes towards food and electronics) I feel confident around tv, iPads, etc. It's not a threat anymore. I see what other unschoolers describe: It's one of many choices of things to do (albeit in the winter a preferred one).
But when it comes to food, I don't feel the same kind of confidence. Trips home to my parents (we now live continents apart) are even dreaded some because I myself see their point when they criticize the way I let Max (5.5) eat.
I have no problem discussing academics or the use of the iPad. Evidence is on my side as they see Max happily turning off the iPad if they are trying to engage him. And they see him curious, interested, asking questions and knowing stuff, possibly more than they would expect.
But when it comes to food, evidence is not on my side. Max is overweight and very limited in what he will eat (fries, potato cakes, cornflakes & milk and fruit is about 80% of what he'll eat, apart from any candy, cake, sweets etc.)
When we still lived near my parents (before I stopped controlling what he would be exposed to - I never restricted it, just didn't have it in the house or take him to the store much), he would eat pretty much anything I ate and was normal weight.
Mostly, I am unclear what my role is in regards to nutrition.
My understanding is not to label food as good or bad (that one I'm not clear about), no restriction of certain foods (like candy) as to not make it more desirable than it would otherwise be. Also no insisting on eating certain foods (like veggies) to not make them less attractive than they might normally be.
We have a snack drawer that I keep stocked and when I go grocery shopping I often ask him what he would like. I happily (on the outside) make him the food he asks for. Most of the times when he asks to go to a Fast Food restaurant we take him. We also don't have family meals but everybody eats when they're hungry.
I really get the value in being able to make your own choices around food. But I am unclear about coaching for example. When it comes to social situations I feel confident and at ease coaching and telling him what's expected and acceptable in a certain situation. But with food I don't have clarity what's ok and what's not. But I do feel I'm doing him a disservice leaving him in the dark about nutrition.
I also tried it out for myself to be more relaxed around food. To not be afraid of chips, almond joy, fries, cheese cake and alike. It made a lot of sense to me that the stress may be worse than the actual food. But after 4 or 5 years of ever getting heavier and starting various aches and pains, I realize that it's not true for me. After some research I have changed what I eat and am starting to feel better again.
I am left wondering (and worrying more again) whether he would be better served by talking about foods and their effect here and there. Or offering more variety. He usually doesn't try when I offer him something new. He also does not eat meat. Except for dairy and the bit in fruit there really isn't much protein in his diet.
Should I be doing more? Or differently?
Thank you for helping me understand that part of unschooling better.
Christine
Sandra Dodd
You said “evidence is not on my side.”
Please reconsider that. I think what you mean is that he seems overweight and so you’ll be criticized or questioned.
MANY boys (and some girls, maybe, but I’ve seen it with boys) go wide, then tall, then wide, then tall.
But what I mostly want to say is that Jo Isaac has found many studies on eating, and some are linked here:
http://sandradodd.com/eating/research
Please also look through here for some other studies and principles that might make you feel better and braver.
http://sandradodd.com/food
Sandra
Please reconsider that. I think what you mean is that he seems overweight and so you’ll be criticized or questioned.
MANY boys (and some girls, maybe, but I’ve seen it with boys) go wide, then tall, then wide, then tall.
But what I mostly want to say is that Jo Isaac has found many studies on eating, and some are linked here:
http://sandradodd.com/eating/research
Please also look through here for some other studies and principles that might make you feel better and braver.
http://sandradodd.com/food
Sandra
Kelly Callahan
I know we are not supposed to say- me too! But... me too :)
My son is older- turning 11 in 2 weeks- but in the last 3 years, 2 of which we've been unschooling and so lifted food restrictions, he has gained quite a bit of weight.
(These are also his tween years and he was a *big* baby (10 pounds) with lots of lovely baby rolls until he was probably 3, though he leaned out totally between 3-7.)
I wanted to share some of things I've done as I've deschooled food and changed my thinking (and continue to do so).
First, when I would start panicking in my mind that he only wanted sweets, I would stop and actually think about everything he would eat: red lentils, brown rice, potatoes in almost any form (not just chips but mashed and roasted and fried), bacon and sausage, burgers, corn on the cob...
These are not easily grab-off-the shelf foods. He doesn't come down from gaming and say- hey mom, can you make me red-lentils and roasted potatoes?
Anticipating his hunger and offering foods I *know* he likes has helped him remember all the foods he likes and so more likely to think of it and ask for it (but still rare), but also it helps to stop the 'struggle' in my own mind, or falling into the 'he only eats...(sugar) (sweet) etc' refrain.
I also started making more family meals... letting everyone know that I was making a hot lunch and would they like x y or z? or something else?
When I cook a meal that is food I know my kids like, they come and eat. They can always say no, not come to dinner, eat only part of it, or whatever but I make an effort to make food they like and as my kids are older and spend a lot of time in their rooms, it's a time of connection too and they want to come.
You said you don't have family meals, but maybe you could cooks something you know your son likes that you also like and want to eat and just invite him to come eat with you. Or there could be a variety of things- he could pick.
My son makes sure to come to the store with me, and he takes his own cart and gets food he likes. It is interesting to see what he chooses. For about 3 weeks in a row he wanted the bakery chocolate cake. Last summer, he could not get enough of orange creamsicles. Then he moved off that and this week it's peanut butter cracker sandwiches and fruit gummy snacks. Seeing that shift also shows me see that he doesn't ever want just one thing or type of thing....he's trying out different foods and brands depending on his needs and desires. Right now he wants easy, quick gaming snacks.
Being in the store together, I can also share what I'm getting for dinner, ask him what he'd like for dinner, does he still want turkey for lunch? etc... Just involving him in that process as much as he wants.
Finally, to the nutrition point, my kids are very sensitive to anything I say that they feel is like 'educating' them or a lecture. Clearly I did too much of that before!
My son has been receptive to me asking open ended questions, for example if he says, i'm hungry! I'll ask- do you feel like something hot or cold?
or, snacky or like a meal?
maybe crunchy or sweet?
I only ask one of these- and that is enough for him usually to shift from 'i'm hungry!' to honing in on what he actually wants. Too many questions annoys the crap out of him, and probably insinuates that I have an agenda.
I've tried to shift the focus to be less about *nutrition* per se, because I actually think he gets a good variety over the course of a day, or couple days, but more to helping him tune into his own body and what he feels like he wants, what feels good or not. Also helpful for adults :)
This is a huge shift for me, who became a vegetarian at 13, embraced natural food and healthy eating all through high school and college where I majored in Sustainable Farming. My kids had heavily restricted foods until 2.5 years ago: avoided dyes, artificial sugar, soda etc. They went to waldorf preschools- you probably know the whole scene.
It was damaging. When I see other kids being controlled around food, it does not feel right and I know that having autonomy to choose one's own food, what kind, how much and how often is peaceful, supportive and connecting, and is worth all the deschooling and letting go i have done/ continue to do.
On Tue, Apr 25, 2017 at 10:36 PM, Christine Goyette goyette.christine@... [AlwaysLearning] <[email protected]> wrote:3 years into moving to radical unschooling (that is changing my attitudes towards food and electronics) I feel confident around tv, iPads, etc. It's not a threat anymore. I see what other unschoolers describe: It's one of many choices of things to do (albeit in the winter a preferred one).But when it comes to food, I don't feel the same kind of confidence. Trips home to my parents (we now live continents apart) are even dreaded some because I myself see their point when they criticize the way I let Max (5.5) eat.I have no problem discussing academics or the use of the iPad. Evidence is on my side as they see Max happily turning off the iPad if they are trying to engage him. And they see him curious, interested, asking questions and knowing stuff, possibly more than they would expect.But when it comes to food, evidence is not on my side. Max is overweight and very limited in what he will eat (fries, potato cakes, cornflakes & milk and fruit is about 80% of what he'll eat, apart from any candy, cake, sweets etc.)When we still lived near my parents (before I stopped controlling what he would be exposed to - I never restricted it, just didn't have it in the house or take him to the store much), he would eat pretty much anything I ate and was normal weight.Mostly, I am unclear what my role is in regards to nutrition.My understanding is not to label food as good or bad (that one I'm not clear about), no restriction of certain foods (like candy) as to not make it more desirable than it would otherwise be. Also no insisting on eating certain foods (like veggies) to not make them less attractive than they might normally be.We have a snack drawer that I keep stocked and when I go grocery shopping I often ask him what he would like. I happily (on the outside) make him the food he asks for. Most of the times when he asks to go to a Fast Food restaurant we take him. We also don't have family meals but everybody eats when they're hungry.I really get the value in being able to make your own choices around food. But I am unclear about coaching for example. When it comes to social situations I feel confident and at ease coaching and telling him what's expected and acceptable in a certain situation. But with food I don't have clarity what's ok and what's not. But I do feel I'm doing him a disservice leaving him in the dark about nutrition.I also tried it out for myself to be more relaxed around food. To not be afraid of chips, almond joy, fries, cheese cake and alike. It made a lot of sense to me that the stress may be worse than the actual food. But after 4 or 5 years of ever getting heavier and starting various aches and pains, I realize that it's not true for me. After some research I have changed what I eat and am starting to feel better again.I am left wondering (and worrying more again) whether he would be better served by talking about foods and their effect here and there. Or offering more variety. He usually doesn't try when I offer him something new. He also does not eat meat. Except for dairy and the bit in fruit there really isn't much protein in his diet.Should I be doing more? Or differently?Thank you for helping me understand that part of unschooling better.Christine--Kelly Callahan CCHConcentric Healing Classical Homeopathy(207) 691-6798
Sandra Dodd
I don’t mind “me too!” if there’s lots of useful information along with it.
Thanks! You can say “thanks” in the course of saying WHY you’re thankful, and how the ideas helped.
It’s just the plain old “ditto” posts that are evil waste. :-)
The question “What is the parent’s role in child’s nutrition,” outside of this group, if it were written on a public wall or something removed from all other factors is an important one, i think. It’s a crime to neglect or to starve a child. Parents are expected to feed their children—legally, morally, biologically.
The question in *this* group is what will help or harm unschooling (I think). Or maybe it’s how much of unschooling can be disregarded by someone who has family pressure or personal fears.
If the question were “What is the parent’s role in a child’s salvation?” the answer would differ from Catholics to Protestants, and that’s just among the Christians. The reason that came to mind is that nutrition has become like a rash of sects and cults, each CERTAIN they are the only right ones, criticizing the ones nearest to them philosophically (as religious sects will do, as some unschooling sites/writers do :-) ) So if and when ANY of the question gets into the fine details of diet and morality, it’s toward a religious and philosophical problem that could be more important in that family’s life than any considerations of unschooling could be.
So the answer to the question, in the heart of each individual, will involve their beliefs about "nutrition.”
Sandra
Thanks! You can say “thanks” in the course of saying WHY you’re thankful, and how the ideas helped.
It’s just the plain old “ditto” posts that are evil waste. :-)
The question “What is the parent’s role in child’s nutrition,” outside of this group, if it were written on a public wall or something removed from all other factors is an important one, i think. It’s a crime to neglect or to starve a child. Parents are expected to feed their children—legally, morally, biologically.
The question in *this* group is what will help or harm unschooling (I think). Or maybe it’s how much of unschooling can be disregarded by someone who has family pressure or personal fears.
If the question were “What is the parent’s role in a child’s salvation?” the answer would differ from Catholics to Protestants, and that’s just among the Christians. The reason that came to mind is that nutrition has become like a rash of sects and cults, each CERTAIN they are the only right ones, criticizing the ones nearest to them philosophically (as religious sects will do, as some unschooling sites/writers do :-) ) So if and when ANY of the question gets into the fine details of diet and morality, it’s toward a religious and philosophical problem that could be more important in that family’s life than any considerations of unschooling could be.
So the answer to the question, in the heart of each individual, will involve their beliefs about "nutrition.”
Sandra
Jo Isaac
==I have no problem discussing academics or the use of the iPad.==
Why are you discussing these things with your parents? I wouldn't even bring up unschooling. If they live on a different continent (as do my own parents) - they don't ever need to even know what unschooling is. It might be too late to go back now, but I'd stop
discussing it with them from now, or mentioning it at all.
== Max is overweight and very limited in what he will eat (fries, potato cakes, cornflakes & milk and fruit is about 80% of what he'll eat, candy, cake, sweets)==
That doesn't seem all that limited, to be honest. I know kids the same age that eat far less variety than that.
That doesn't seem all that limited, to be honest. I know kids the same age that eat far less variety than that.
==When we still lived near my parents (before I stopped controlling what he would be exposed to - I never restricted it, just didn't have it in the house or take him to the store much), he would eat pretty much anything I ate and was normal weight. ==
He was also 2 and younger. It is pretty easy to feed babies and toddlers - most kids narrow their palate as they get to 4 or 5 (and possibly more still around 7 or 8) and have more power over what they do and don't want to eat. And to correlate his eating habits and weight to unschooling seems a stretch, at this point...you have no idea what things would be like otherwise. Weight patterns are most often genetic. Taste patterns are also often genetic. Kids tend to also prefer blander, carby foods at that age - that is all pretty normal.
He was also 2 and younger. It is pretty easy to feed babies and toddlers - most kids narrow their palate as they get to 4 or 5 (and possibly more still around 7 or 8) and have more power over what they do and don't want to eat. And to correlate his eating habits and weight to unschooling seems a stretch, at this point...you have no idea what things would be like otherwise. Weight patterns are most often genetic. Taste patterns are also often genetic. Kids tend to also prefer blander, carby foods at that age - that is all pretty normal.
==Mostly, I am unclear what my role is in regards to nutrition... But
I do feel I'm doing him a disservice leaving him in the dark about nutrition.==
You can't know about 'nutrition' for another persons body. Don't think of your role in terms of 'nutrition', think about offering choices. Why have a 'snack' drawer, for example - why are some foods deemed 'snacks' and not just food along with everything else?
You can't know about 'nutrition' for another persons body. Don't think of your role in terms of 'nutrition', think about offering choices. Why have a 'snack' drawer, for example - why are some foods deemed 'snacks' and not just food along with everything else?
==To not be afraid of chips, almond joy, fries, cheese cake and alike... After some research I have changed what I eat and am starting to feel better again.==
It sounds like the Mom has food issues, if she needed to try and not be 'afraid' of chips. They are just chips - nothing to be afraid of. Try not to pass those unfounded fears on to your son.
It sounds like the Mom has food issues, if she needed to try and not be 'afraid' of chips. They are just chips - nothing to be afraid of. Try not to pass those unfounded fears on to your son.
==I am left wondering (and worrying more again) whether he would be better served by talking about foods and their effect here and there.==
What do you think their 'effect' is? What might 'effect' one person, likely doesn't effect another person the same way. Food research is constantly changing it's mind on whether this food or that food is 'good' or 'bad' for people. So, I don't think anyone is 'better served' by someone talking at them about 'foods and their effect'...he will learn for himself how certain foods make him feel - that is far more powerful learning for him.
==Except for dairy and the bit in fruit there really isn't much protein in his diet.==
You said he drinks milk? Cereals are mostly fortified with protein and minerals these days. If he eats potato - a large potato has as much protein as cheese.
Jo
What do you think their 'effect' is? What might 'effect' one person, likely doesn't effect another person the same way. Food research is constantly changing it's mind on whether this food or that food is 'good' or 'bad' for people. So, I don't think anyone is 'better served' by someone talking at them about 'foods and their effect'...he will learn for himself how certain foods make him feel - that is far more powerful learning for him.
==Except for dairy and the bit in fruit there really isn't much protein in his diet.==
You said he drinks milk? Cereals are mostly fortified with protein and minerals these days. If he eats potato - a large potato has as much protein as cheese.
Jo
Sandra Dodd
-=-But I do feel I'm doing him a disservice leaving him in the dark about nutrition.-=-
If you “enlighten” him about nutrition, what are the odds you will be wrong, in part or in total?
Look at how many dire warnings have been withdrawn (without sufficient apology) by medical experts and governments, and at how many “truths” later become “oops.”
-=-==I am left wondering (and worrying more again) whether he would be better served by talking about foods and their effect here and there.== -=-
If you decide toward the worry, please don’t post about it in this group.
There are some things that could help you. Wait six months, and read them again.
http://sandradodd.com/food
Read a little, try a little, wait a while, watch.
If you keep writing here without reading what’s already on my site, you will defend staying where you are, but you won’t find out where else you could be (and why).
Kelly Callahan wrote: "When I see other kids being controlled around food, it does not feel right and I know that having autonomy to choose one's own food, what kind, how much and how often is peaceful, supportive and connecting, and is worth all the deschooling and letting go i have done/ continue to do. “
I’m glad she did.
Christine, you could rush away and keep worrying, or you could calmly, slowly consider other options.
If you relax, you could always go back to fear later (if it seems better, after reading all that site slowly, gradually, and trying those ideas).
If you live with the fear, your son will live with it too, and it won’t be good for either of you, or for the dyad of the two of you.
Sandra
If you “enlighten” him about nutrition, what are the odds you will be wrong, in part or in total?
Look at how many dire warnings have been withdrawn (without sufficient apology) by medical experts and governments, and at how many “truths” later become “oops.”
-=-==I am left wondering (and worrying more again) whether he would be better served by talking about foods and their effect here and there.== -=-
If you decide toward the worry, please don’t post about it in this group.
There are some things that could help you. Wait six months, and read them again.
http://sandradodd.com/food
Read a little, try a little, wait a while, watch.
If you keep writing here without reading what’s already on my site, you will defend staying where you are, but you won’t find out where else you could be (and why).
Kelly Callahan wrote: "When I see other kids being controlled around food, it does not feel right and I know that having autonomy to choose one's own food, what kind, how much and how often is peaceful, supportive and connecting, and is worth all the deschooling and letting go i have done/ continue to do. “
I’m glad she did.
Christine, you could rush away and keep worrying, or you could calmly, slowly consider other options.
If you relax, you could always go back to fear later (if it seems better, after reading all that site slowly, gradually, and trying those ideas).
If you live with the fear, your son will live with it too, and it won’t be good for either of you, or for the dyad of the two of you.
Sandra
Erin Waterbury
I suggest reading about Health at Every Size and seriously consider reading about recovering from disordered eating habits for yourself. Unschoolers aren't the only ones saying that food is just food and not something to fear. That potato chips are food just as vegetables are and none are inherently good or bad for everyone.
When I started reading about unschooling the academic side of it clicked immediately, but I was going to radically unschool "except for food." My Knowledge about what foods were good and bad was FAR more important to me at that time than offering my child a chance to discover his own answers, I didn't trust him. He was about 3 when my mom innocently asked "don't you ever think about anything but food?" I laughed her off in the moment but that was a wake up call. When reading about orthorexia the questions to consider fit me uncomfortably well and I realized food had become far too big in my life.
It's been about 4 years now and I can honestly treat all foods as equally valid choices for my children And myself. They don't eat a diet that would conventionally be considered acceptable but they do eat and they eat things they enjoy and as my oldest (just turned 7 yesterday) gets older he's occasionally expressing interest in trying new things again.
My unschooling has helped me establish a better relationship with my own body and developing a better relationship with my body has helped me become a better unschooler. I went from a variety of serious restrictions to allowing everything and making real choices. I can now decide for myself if a particular food really serves me or if (as I've found in many cases) that I was really only eating it because I was supposed to or as a reaction to restriction.
There are a growing number of adults realizing that dieting not only doesn't work but is actively harmful but recovering from the lifetime of living in a diet culture is hard. Sandra and the other writers here are helping make it possible for our children to skip that. There are still plenty of those messages coming from all around but if the home is a safe place where food is simply food and all bodies are beautiful as they are we can give our children a secure place to explore THEIR relationship with food instead of looking outside themselves for "correct" answers.
When I started reading about unschooling the academic side of it clicked immediately, but I was going to radically unschool "except for food." My Knowledge about what foods were good and bad was FAR more important to me at that time than offering my child a chance to discover his own answers, I didn't trust him. He was about 3 when my mom innocently asked "don't you ever think about anything but food?" I laughed her off in the moment but that was a wake up call. When reading about orthorexia the questions to consider fit me uncomfortably well and I realized food had become far too big in my life.
It's been about 4 years now and I can honestly treat all foods as equally valid choices for my children And myself. They don't eat a diet that would conventionally be considered acceptable but they do eat and they eat things they enjoy and as my oldest (just turned 7 yesterday) gets older he's occasionally expressing interest in trying new things again.
My unschooling has helped me establish a better relationship with my own body and developing a better relationship with my body has helped me become a better unschooler. I went from a variety of serious restrictions to allowing everything and making real choices. I can now decide for myself if a particular food really serves me or if (as I've found in many cases) that I was really only eating it because I was supposed to or as a reaction to restriction.
There are a growing number of adults realizing that dieting not only doesn't work but is actively harmful but recovering from the lifetime of living in a diet culture is hard. Sandra and the other writers here are helping make it possible for our children to skip that. There are still plenty of those messages coming from all around but if the home is a safe place where food is simply food and all bodies are beautiful as they are we can give our children a secure place to explore THEIR relationship with food instead of looking outside themselves for "correct" answers.
On Thu, Apr 27, 2017 at 5:53 AM, Sandra Dodd Sandra@... [AlwaysLearning] <[email protected]> wrote:-=-But I do feel I'm doing him a disservice leaving him in the dark about nutrition.-=-
If you “enlighten” him about nutrition, what are the odds you will be wrong, in part or in total?
Look at how many dire warnings have been withdrawn (without sufficient apology) by medical experts and governments, and at how many “truths” later become “oops.”
-=-==I am left wondering (and worrying more again) whether he would be better served by talking about foods and their effect here and there.== -=-
If you decide toward the worry, please don’t post about it in this group.
There are some things that could help you. Wait six months, and read them again.
http://sandradodd.com/food
Read a little, try a little, wait a while, watch.
If you keep writing here without reading what’s already on my site, you will defend staying where you are, but you won’t find out where else you could be (and why).
Kelly Callahan wrote: "When I see other kids being controlled around food, it does not feel right and I know that having autonomy to choose one's own food, what kind, how much and how often is peaceful, supportive and connecting, and is worth all the deschooling and letting go i have done/ continue to do. “
I’m glad she did.
Christine, you could rush away and keep worrying, or you could calmly, slowly consider other options.
If you relax, you could always go back to fear later (if it seems better, after reading all that site slowly, gradually, and trying those ideas).
If you live with the fear, your son will live with it too, and it won’t be good for either of you, or for the dyad of the two of you.
Sandra
Sandra Dodd
Erin, thank you very much for what you wrote.
This is sweet: -=-Sandra and the other writers here are helping make it possible for our children to skip that. There are still plenty of those messages coming from all around but if the home is a safe place where food is simply food and all bodies are beautiful as they are we can give our children a secure place to explore THEIR relationship with food instead of looking outside themselves for "correct" answers.-=-
For fun, perhaps, if some readers have the time and mood, let’s bring links to food-related things on my site that aren’t on the main food page.
Here’s a great one:
http://sandradodd.com/t/holly
It has the second photoshop thing I ever did in my life. :-)
Sandra
This is sweet: -=-Sandra and the other writers here are helping make it possible for our children to skip that. There are still plenty of those messages coming from all around but if the home is a safe place where food is simply food and all bodies are beautiful as they are we can give our children a secure place to explore THEIR relationship with food instead of looking outside themselves for "correct" answers.-=-
For fun, perhaps, if some readers have the time and mood, let’s bring links to food-related things on my site that aren’t on the main food page.
Here’s a great one:
http://sandradodd.com/t/holly
It has the second photoshop thing I ever did in my life. :-)
Sandra
Sarah Thompson
Yesterday I was talking to a new friend and she asked me some questions about my health history (I have been through some serious medical stuff). After that she asked me about my diet. I said, well, sometimes I do xyz, but I also eat pizza and drink beer. She was amazed. She said I looked so healthy, she assumed I was on some super strict diet-and-supplements protocol. Definitely not pizza and beer:) I told her, "I've experienced orthorexia trying to control my diet and obsess over it. I was not healthy. I have discovered that how I FEEL about the food I'm eating is more important than the food itself."
I KNOW this to be true for me. So I'm careful with my kids. My younger lives on Little Debbie coffee cakes and chips these days, so I keep those around. I have more to learn and more growing to do, because I still feel judgmental and anxious sometimes, but I am working towards total acceptance because I want food to be something that brings joy, that feels nourishing, and that offers connection. If those pieces are in place, the path will become clear.
Sarah
Nicole Rod
"we can give our children a secure place to explore THEIR relationship with [anything] instead of looking outside themselves for "correct" answers."
This beautifully summarizes my biggest personal takeaway as I deschool. Not only about food, but about EVERYTHING. I have spent my entire life looking outside myself for "correct" answers. I want better for my kids. I want them to know that the answers inside themselves are valid.
This beautifully summarizes my biggest personal takeaway as I deschool. Not only about food, but about EVERYTHING. I have spent my entire life looking outside myself for "correct" answers. I want better for my kids. I want them to know that the answers inside themselves are valid.
On Thu, Apr 27, 2017 at 1:17 PM, Sarah Thompson thompsonisland@... [AlwaysLearning] <[email protected]> wrote:Yesterday I was talking to a new friend and she asked me some questions about my health history (I have been through some serious medical stuff). After that she asked me about my diet. I said, well, sometimes I do xyz, but I also eat pizza and drink beer. She was amazed. She said I looked so healthy, she assumed I was on some super strict diet-and-supplements protocol. Definitely not pizza and beer:) I told her, "I've experienced orthorexia trying to control my diet and obsess over it. I was not healthy. I have discovered that how I FEEL about the food I'm eating is more important than the food itself."
I KNOW this to be true for me. So I'm careful with my kids. My younger lives on Little Debbie coffee cakes and chips these days, so I keep those around. I have more to learn and more growing to do, because I still feel judgmental and anxious sometimes, but I am working towards total acceptance because I want food to be something that brings joy, that feels nourishing, and that offers connection. If those pieces are in place, the path will become clear.Sarah--Nicole
303-519-7725
Sandra Dodd
-=-I have spent my entire life looking outside myself for "correct" answers. I want better for my kids. I want them to know that the answers inside themselves are valid. -=-
The “answers” won’t be inside them And it might be best not even to think of them as answers.
I’m being picky—please don’t be offended. I do want to look at what “answers” might be and where they come from. :-)
Erin wrote:
-=-we can give our children a secure place to explore THEIR relationship with food -=-
Accept that one day a child might want a boiled egg with a runny yolk, and then might never want an egg again for a long time—not for beliefs about eggs, not because that one traumatized him, but because he doesn’t feel that’s the food he wants. In a world of choices (if you can help provide choices) and in an environment of acceptance, a child can learn about the world, and about himself, and about interacting with the world not in a grand-culmination way, but in moments.
If the mom can practice and appreciate making many small choices, she can more calmly accept changes and experimentation and what might seem inconstant or random in the child’s choices. He might want to try things. He might not be in an adventurous season and might want the same thing every day for a year. But he will be learning, if he’s allowed to feel his own body’s responses without someone telling him what he is feeling or should be feeling.
There’s a story here by Pam Sorooshian about something that happened on her first visit to see me, twenty years ago.
http://sandradodd.com/yes.html
You could search for “plum” if you’re in a hurry.
Sandra
The “answers” won’t be inside them And it might be best not even to think of them as answers.
I’m being picky—please don’t be offended. I do want to look at what “answers” might be and where they come from. :-)
Erin wrote:
-=-we can give our children a secure place to explore THEIR relationship with food -=-
Accept that one day a child might want a boiled egg with a runny yolk, and then might never want an egg again for a long time—not for beliefs about eggs, not because that one traumatized him, but because he doesn’t feel that’s the food he wants. In a world of choices (if you can help provide choices) and in an environment of acceptance, a child can learn about the world, and about himself, and about interacting with the world not in a grand-culmination way, but in moments.
If the mom can practice and appreciate making many small choices, she can more calmly accept changes and experimentation and what might seem inconstant or random in the child’s choices. He might want to try things. He might not be in an adventurous season and might want the same thing every day for a year. But he will be learning, if he’s allowed to feel his own body’s responses without someone telling him what he is feeling or should be feeling.
There’s a story here by Pam Sorooshian about something that happened on her first visit to see me, twenty years ago.
http://sandradodd.com/yes.html
You could search for “plum” if you’re in a hurry.
Sandra
Sandra Dodd
I didn’t write this, Cristen Hamilton did. It’s good!
The formatting glitched, so I’ve edited it and brought it instead of approving the original
_______________________________________
I found myself in a similar place with my son. He started putting on weight at age six, not long after I stopped imposing all my strict food limits. And, we had recently moved from his original home to another state.
I became very focused on his body and anxious about his food choices. That focus kept me from seeing how chaotic our home life was, how much me and my husband were drinking to cope, how I had reverted to control mode to manage my anxiety.
I came to this group, looking for answers, and I tried some things.
It took me months to realize that the problem was mine, not his. It finally dawned on me that all he needed was a peaceful home, and parents who could see him and love him, exactly how he is. I made a commitment to deliberately think of all the awesome things about him every time I looked at him, or thought of him.
I read all I could find about intuitive eating, first as it's related to kids, then for myself. I explored my own orthorexia. I read blogs about body acceptance. In this process I realized I was also running a bunch of this anxiety on my husband, wanting him to do more to lose weight, and I started to love him better, too.
All that helped. But what really changed our home was my decision to make it a peaceful place, where no one needs to turn to food for comfort. My husband and I both stopped drinking, two years ago now, which ended most of our fighting. I slowed down, giving myself time to see what gets me anxious, and to ask it questions, to find out if I really needed to be doing it. I started a mindfulness group with unschooling parent friends, where we could sit and support each other.
I saw his relationship with food change once I stopped focusing on it. He got the space to relax and hear his own voice about it.
My son is 9 now. He is still bigger than most of his friends. And his sense of himself is intact. He is funny and engaging and loved. And he eats all kinds of food. He's at an age now where he's interested in different properties of foods and asks lots of questions. And he asks me, which is such a great sign that choosing our connection, over my fear, was the best way to go.
Cristen Hamilton
The formatting glitched, so I’ve edited it and brought it instead of approving the original
_______________________________________
I found myself in a similar place with my son. He started putting on weight at age six, not long after I stopped imposing all my strict food limits. And, we had recently moved from his original home to another state.
I became very focused on his body and anxious about his food choices. That focus kept me from seeing how chaotic our home life was, how much me and my husband were drinking to cope, how I had reverted to control mode to manage my anxiety.
I came to this group, looking for answers, and I tried some things.
It took me months to realize that the problem was mine, not his. It finally dawned on me that all he needed was a peaceful home, and parents who could see him and love him, exactly how he is. I made a commitment to deliberately think of all the awesome things about him every time I looked at him, or thought of him.
I read all I could find about intuitive eating, first as it's related to kids, then for myself. I explored my own orthorexia. I read blogs about body acceptance. In this process I realized I was also running a bunch of this anxiety on my husband, wanting him to do more to lose weight, and I started to love him better, too.
All that helped. But what really changed our home was my decision to make it a peaceful place, where no one needs to turn to food for comfort. My husband and I both stopped drinking, two years ago now, which ended most of our fighting. I slowed down, giving myself time to see what gets me anxious, and to ask it questions, to find out if I really needed to be doing it. I started a mindfulness group with unschooling parent friends, where we could sit and support each other.
I saw his relationship with food change once I stopped focusing on it. He got the space to relax and hear his own voice about it.
My son is 9 now. He is still bigger than most of his friends. And his sense of himself is intact. He is funny and engaging and loved. And he eats all kinds of food. He's at an age now where he's interested in different properties of foods and asks lots of questions. And he asks me, which is such a great sign that choosing our connection, over my fear, was the best way to go.
Cristen Hamilton
Joyce Fetteroll
*** I want them to know that the answers inside themselves are valid. ***
I’ve seen dialogs on unschooling sites that go like:
New unschoolers: “Kids don’t know enough to make the right choice. I can’t just let them choose."
Slightly less new unschooler: “You just need to trust children. They know what’s right for them.”
But children don’t just magically know the “right” choice. How could they know things that they’ve never tried?
They don’t come preloaded with all the right answers. But they do come preloaded with the ability to think about their experiences and come up with a good guess for what might work. Unschooling parents make it safe for them to try out their idea.
If the guess turns out as expected, they didn’t learn much. They’ve confirmed that their understanding of the world is right.
If the guess doesn’t turn out as expected, that’s good! They’ve learned something! They learn more about the thing. They learn more about themselves. They have more information to base future decisions on.
Don’t trust children to be right. Trust children to be able to make a guess and then learn from what happens.
Joyce
I’ve seen dialogs on unschooling sites that go like:
New unschoolers: “Kids don’t know enough to make the right choice. I can’t just let them choose."
Slightly less new unschooler: “You just need to trust children. They know what’s right for them.”
But children don’t just magically know the “right” choice. How could they know things that they’ve never tried?
They don’t come preloaded with all the right answers. But they do come preloaded with the ability to think about their experiences and come up with a good guess for what might work. Unschooling parents make it safe for them to try out their idea.
If the guess turns out as expected, they didn’t learn much. They’ve confirmed that their understanding of the world is right.
If the guess doesn’t turn out as expected, that’s good! They’ve learned something! They learn more about the thing. They learn more about themselves. They have more information to base future decisions on.
Don’t trust children to be right. Trust children to be able to make a guess and then learn from what happens.
Joyce