Sarah Thompson

Here is my situation:

I am involved in a homeschool group that is sort of like a coop but not exactly. I was asked to join to be involved in the advisory council that was supposed to be establishing this as a new group. My kids said they wanted to join so I agreed. I had some trepidation at the time because of some of the personalities involved, but my younger child, especially, was wanting more kids to play with and this seemed like a path to that. 

It has had ups and downs, but it has become unpleasant for me. There were some disagreements and the director has treated me very poorly, as well as some other members who got into a catty, melodramatic dynamic that has made the whole thing uncomfortable. Anyway, these are my problems and I have extricated myself from it as much as I can while remaining a member. 

I feel like I should leave entirely. I don't think I should contine to be around some of these women; there are some patterns already and I worry that they will persist and poison the whole organization. 

However, my kids say they want to stay. My younger child hasn't made any friends, really; he follows his brother around and makes it hard for him to do his own thing. He is finally really happy at home because he has started to make online friends in games. He says he wants to stay because the older child, Wallace, wants to stay, but he'll do what Wallace does. Wallace wants to stay because he IS making friends and having fun. Since I joined this organization for them, I should stay in it for them, but I don't know how to navigate an environment that is petty and hurtful in a healthy way for myself while staying positive for my kids, and all the kids I am organizing programming for (with whom I have a terrific rapport). 

Sarah

chris ester

Hello, 
I am not sure if you are asking a question or just "venting". 

You seem to have provided a conclusion at the end of your post.

Perhaps you could be clearer? For you and for the group, if you are truly looking for advice.
chris

On Mon, Mar 20, 2017 at 10:12 AM, Sarah Thompson thompsonisland@... [AlwaysLearning] <[email protected]> wrote:
 

Here is my situation:


I am involved in a homeschool group that is sort of like a coop but not exactly. I was asked to join to be involved in the advisory council that was supposed to be establishing this as a new group. My kids said they wanted to join so I agreed. I had some trepidation at the time because of some of the personalities involved, but my younger child, especially, was wanting more kids to play with and this seemed like a path to that. 

It has had ups and downs, but it has become unpleasant for me. There were some disagreements and the director has treated me very poorly, as well as some other members who got into a catty, melodramatic dynamic that has made the whole thing uncomfortable. Anyway, these are my problems and I have extricated myself from it as much as I can while remaining a member. 

I feel like I should leave entirely. I don't think I should contine to be around some of these women; there are some patterns already and I worry that they will persist and poison the whole organization. 

However, my kids say they want to stay. My younger child hasn't made any friends, really; he follows his brother around and makes it hard for him to do his own thing. He is finally really happy at home because he has started to make online friends in games. He says he wants to stay because the older child, Wallace, wants to stay, but he'll do what Wallace does. Wallace wants to stay because he IS making friends and having fun. Since I joined this organization for them, I should stay in it for them, but I don't know how to navigate an environment that is petty and hurtful in a healthy way for myself while staying positive for my kids, and all the kids I am organizing programming for (with whom I have a terrific rapport). 

Sarah


Sarah Thompson

My question is how do I approach this in a healthy way? Can I look for a way out of this situation, or do I need to find ways to make it work? If I need to make it work, does anyone have advice?

For me, it is similar but much less serious than the questions people present about marriage challenges. What is best for the kids might be different than what is best for mom, but if it's about the kids, what IS best?

Sarah

Brenda Dixon

Hi, Sarah,

I feel your pain.  I have also from time to time found myself in groups where the folks don't always seem the nicest.  

If your goal is to figure out how to stay in that group and make the best of it for yourself, you may find "the work" of Byron Katie to be useful.  At the risk of oversimplifying, she basically says first, that our suffering is (always) caused by our thoughts, and if we can challenge our thoughts, we become more peaceful.  She has a formula of questions that she recommends that we ask ourselves about our negative thoughts, starting with, "is it true?"  Then, "are you absolutely sure it's true?"  So maybe it's true that the other parents are catty and mean, or maybe it's not.  If you can find other reasons to attribute to their behavior, then maybe that will help you just move through them without worrying about whether they are being mean or not.  Second, one of Katie's other famous sayings is something like, "If I had a prayer, it would be not to worry about what other people think of me."   Katie has lots of videos online, and of course many books and a website; I have found her work to be very helpful in keeping me from getting too worked up about stuff.

And finally, to quote one of my other heroes, "when they go low, we go high."  Good luck.

Brenda Dixon





On Mon, Mar 20, 2017 at 10:12 AM, Sarah Thompson thompsonisland@... [AlwaysLearning] <[email protected]> wrote:
 

Here is my situation:


I am involved in a homeschool group that is sort of like a coop but not exactly. I was asked to join to be involved in the advisory council that was supposed to be establishing this as a new group. My kids said they wanted to join so I agreed. I had some trepidation at the time because of some of the personalities involved, but my younger child, especially, was wanting more kids to play with and this seemed like a path to that. 

It has had ups and downs, but it has become unpleasant for me. There were some disagreements and the director has treated me very poorly, as well as some other members who got into a catty, melodramatic dynamic that has made the whole thing uncomfortable. Anyway, these are my problems and I have extricated myself from it as much as I can while remaining a member. 

I feel like I should leave entirely. I don't think I should contine to be around some of these women; there are some patterns already and I worry that they will persist and poison the whole organization. 

However, my kids say they want to stay. My younger child hasn't made any friends, really; he follows his brother around and makes it hard for him to do his own thing. He is finally really happy at home because he has started to make online friends in games. He says he wants to stay because the older child, Wallace, wants to stay, but he'll do what Wallace does. Wallace wants to stay because he IS making friends and having fun. Since I joined this organization for them, I should stay in it for them, but I don't know how to navigate an environment that is petty and hurtful in a healthy way for myself while staying positive for my kids, and all the kids I am organizing programming for (with whom I have a terrific rapport). 

Sarah


semajrak@...

***Can I look for a way out of this situation***

Of course you can.  You must know that.  Are you asking permission to look for a way out of the situation?  If so, why?  



***do I need to find ways to make it work?***

It depends what your goal is.  Decide that for yourself.  Make choices that reflect your goals.  If those choices prove misguided, make different choices.  

Do you want to support the relationships your son is cultivating, or do you want things to be easier for yourself?  Can you have both?  I think it's possible, but how that happens might surprise you.  

It also depends on how hurtful and poisonous (your words) the environment is.  If you or your kids are in danger, than I think it would be wise to stop going.  If it's personalities and differences of opinions that are the main issue for you, then you need to decide how you want to move forward, keeping in mind your kids, and the kids you are working with, seem (according to your words, again) to be enjoying themselves and learning a lot.  



***My question is how do I approach this in a healthy way?***

I don't think we can answer this question for you.  We can give suggestions, but we can't tell you how to approach the situation in way that is healthy for you.    

If it was me, and my son valued the friendships he was making, I'd do my best to make things work.  I'd try to relate to the people on some level.  I'd try to find things we had in common, even if it was just the weather.  I'd be friendly and kind and open to the reality that people can be very different from me.  If that was absolutely impossible, and nothing I did made any improvements to our interactions, I'd quietly continue to support my son, focussing on the good things that were happening for him and his friends, and ignoring the things that weren't so great for me personally.  If the situation was so bad that I thought it was unhealthy for the kids, I'd look into starting my own thing or trying a new group.  Those would be my choices.  Others might make different choices--maybe having a grandparent take the kids to the group, hiring a helper to go, asking dad to do it...  My focus would be on doing the better thing for my boy because I chose to homeschool him.  

One of consequences of unshooling that I never would have predicted is that I learned that I had a lot of biases about people.  While I thought I was pretty open minded, I discovered I was quite attached to my own ideas about how people *should* be and act.  Through supporting Ethan's diverse friendships and different interests I've learned that people are just people, and they have flaws, like me.  I was too focused on people's flaws.  I needed to learn to focus on their strengths, or, at least, the things we shared in common.  A further happy consequence was, in learning to see more than just the flaws in others, I discovered more good in myself than I realized was there.  Surprisingly, I became gentler on me as I learned to be gentler on those around me.  I'm not saying this applies to you, but that was the path that led *me* to a healthier way of living in the world.  It surprised me.  I don't think anyone could have told me how to do that.

Karen James 

belinda dutch

It seems unclear to me also what the specific problem is that you want help with.  But there are a couple of things that pop out:


You are describing the group as melodramatic but your language is melodramatic. You talk about their behaviour ‘poisoning the whole organisation’, but it’s hard to tell what, how or why this is.  Are you unwittingly being drawn in to the melodrama?

You accuse the director of having treated you very poorly, but was that intentional?  If so, ask yourself rationally why would that be? If not, or if it might not have been, intentional, maybe let it go?  Remember why you are there.

"there are some patterns already….”

I’m also not sure what you mean by ‘patterns’ here.  It’s vague.  What are the behaviours which are standing in the way of the children learning and having fun?  

I wonder, when you watch the children engaging with each other, if you think this group is overall a positive place for the children.  If so (and it sounds like you do think this),  maybe the adults could really do with somebody calm, rational and thoughtful to help them navigate the politics?  Or even forget about the politics? And somebody who is really enjoying the kids and quietly setting an example of that. Could you be that person? The person actually having the most fun?!!!


Belinda







sukaynalabboun@...

Thank you for this, Karen. I think we can sometimes push ourselves and find wonderful benefits as a result, and I was going to offer something along this vein but you've eloquently beat me to it. We can, and do, grow along with our children on this journey.

One of consequences of unshooling that I never would have predicted is that I learned that I had a lot of biases about people.  While I thought I was pretty open minded, I discovered I was quite attached to my own ideas about how people *should* be and act.  Through supporting Ethan's diverse friendships and different interests I've learned that people are just people, and they have flaws, like me.  I was too focused on people's flaws.  I needed to learn to focus on their strengths, or, at least, the things we shared in common.  A further happy consequence was, in learning to see more than just the flaws in others, I discovered more good in myself than I realized was there.  Surprisingly, I became gentler on me as I learned to be gentler on those around me.  I'm not saying this applies to you, but that was the path that led *me* to a healthier way of living in the world.  It surprised me.  I don't think anyone could have told me how to do that.

Karen James 

Sandra Dodd

-=-Others might make different choices--maybe having a grandparent take the kids to the group, hiring a helper to go, asking dad to do it... My focus would be on doing the better thing for my boy because I chose to homeschool him. -=-

Once the friendship is more firmly established, you might (possibly) ask another family in the group to let your son go with them. That way the younger brother could do something else with you, and not be following his brother around in ways that might not be adding to the peace of their relationship.

You could invite kids over that your son likes and not just depend on the group, maybe.

Sandra

Kelly Callahan

My daughter was part of a co-op for social reasons- and she liked the classes- that i also tried to support and be involved in. While it did not get nasty with me- there was certainly plenty of other drama that I managed to stay out of- it was hard to embrace as there were real conflicts of intention and goals.

 I found that by being involved more indirectly- rather than in any leadership role- was kind of a happy medium.  It sounds like this is the situation you're in, and that is probably the best place. Staying out of the drama and just being kind and neutral may end up serving the organization and perhaps you'll find people come around when the realize that you are not contributing to the 'poison.'

The conflicting intentions and goals of our co-op essentially contributed to it breaking down, and then a core group who really wanted the the same thing started it up again. The rest of us did not re-join or try and push our own agenda in their new thing. It was for the best- it serves them well. There was no need to make it be everything or everyone, or meet all of our diverse needs.  

Also, kids change. Not sure if this runs through the summer, but maybe your kids will not be interested in returning. Maybe you can continue some friendships outside of the formal group over the summer and that will meet Wallace's social needs and he wont' even want to go back. Or maybe he will, but more time and a break will give a needed pause and getting back together won't seem so challenging. 



On Mon, Mar 20, 2017 at 12:09 PM, Brenda Dixon brendagdixon@... [AlwaysLearning] <[email protected]> wrote:
 

Hi, Sarah,

I feel your pain.  I have also from time to time found myself in groups where the folks don't always seem the nicest.  

If your goal is to figure out how to stay in that group and make the best of it for yourself, you may find "the work" of Byron Katie to be useful.  At the risk of oversimplifying, she basically says first, that our suffering is (always) caused by our thoughts, and if we can challenge our thoughts, we become more peaceful.  She has a formula of questions that she recommends that we ask ourselves about our negative thoughts, starting with, "is it true?"  Then, "are you absolutely sure it's true?"  So maybe it's true that the other parents are catty and mean, or maybe it's not.  If you can find other reasons to attribute to their behavior, then maybe that will help you just move through them without worrying about whether they are being mean or not.  Second, one of Katie's other famous sayings is something like, "If I had a prayer, it would be not to worry about what other people think of me."   Katie has lots of videos online, and of course many books and a website; I have found her work to be very helpful in keeping me from getting too worked up about stuff.

And finally, to quote one of my other heroes, "when they go low, we go high."  Good luck.

Brenda Dixon





On Mon, Mar 20, 2017 at 10:12 AM, Sarah Thompson thompsonisland@... [AlwaysLearning] <AlwaysLearning@yahoogroups. com> wrote:
 

Here is my situation:


I am involved in a homeschool group that is sort of like a coop but not exactly. I was asked to join to be involved in the advisory council that was supposed to be establishing this as a new group. My kids said they wanted to join so I agreed. I had some trepidation at the time because of some of the personalities involved, but my younger child, especially, was wanting more kids to play with and this seemed like a path to that. 

It has had ups and downs, but it has become unpleasant for me. There were some disagreements and the director has treated me very poorly, as well as some other members who got into a catty, melodramatic dynamic that has made the whole thing uncomfortable. Anyway, these are my problems and I have extricated myself from it as much as I can while remaining a member. 

I feel like I should leave entirely. I don't think I should contine to be around some of these women; there are some patterns already and I worry that they will persist and poison the whole organization. 

However, my kids say they want to stay. My younger child hasn't made any friends, really; he follows his brother around and makes it hard for him to do his own thing. He is finally really happy at home because he has started to make online friends in games. He says he wants to stay because the older child, Wallace, wants to stay, but he'll do what Wallace does. Wallace wants to stay because he IS making friends and having fun. Since I joined this organization for them, I should stay in it for them, but I don't know how to navigate an environment that is petty and hurtful in a healthy way for myself while staying positive for my kids, and all the kids I am organizing programming for (with whom I have a terrific rapport). 

Sarah





--
Kelly Callahan CCH 
Concentric Healing Classical Homeopathy

(207) 691-6798



Sarah Thompson

Yes! The vast majority of the people are wonderful. I have learned that there isn't really room for feedback or critique of the project. I thought that's what I was being asked to do by being invited into a leadership role, but it wasn't, and so I have removed myself from that to focus on what I am good at and enjoy. 

One thing I get from this list is different perspectives. When I post, that's what I'm looking for, I think: the views of folks who understand the philosophy of unschooling brought to bear on an uncomfortable dynamic that I have the power to change if only I approach it differently. People look at the situation only through my words, and that helps me see what my choices are. I know that my relationship with my kids really blossomed when we looked at our days in terms of choices. I have a solid sense of what my choices are here and how I can make the best ones for myself and my kids. 

Sarah