Help With Sister
Katey
I hope this is within the perimeters of what should be discussed here...I'm not really sure where to go with this...
I need advice on how to help my 14 year old sister. Since my mother and stepfather separated about a year ago she has seemed to fall apart emotionally. She was always "a good student" and was very involved in competitive dance. After the separation, she began to have major stomach pains and she was at home with strep constantly-until her tonsils were removed. I was visiting not long after all of this started (I live a couple hours away) and she told me she was really stressed from missing so much school/dance and felt like she lost all of her friends. She said she asked to be homeschooled but my parents said it was too expensive. Meanwhile, my mom told me she was making her stomach issues up because she was always fine on Fridays but Sunday night she'd be sick all over again. I convinced them she should be taken out of school, but they ended up going with online public school since it's basically free and no effort on their part.
I just visited this past weekend and my mom said my sister has been lying about doing schoolwork everyday. They've just found out from the teachers that she hasn't been logged on in over a month. My sister told me online school is just not working. She says it's confusing and she thinks she needs more structure, to be around other kids, feels isolated and misses dance(though she is supposed to be starting back up this summer now that she's not getting strep). She thinks my stepdads house-where she primarily spends her time-is very depressing since they don't leave the house(he is on disability and spends his days in front of the t.v).
I guess I should also add that my major fear here is seeing her go down the road that I did. At her age I started cutting myself after fights with my mom(usually about school), abused drugs/alcohol, ended up losing all of my friends junior and senior year when I isolated myself and developed a life consuming eating disorder along with depression/anxiety/OCD. Thanks to my loving partner, his family and 8 years of major soul searching, I can now be content in life and a good mother to my two children. I would like to be there for my sister in the way my partner and his family were for me. I have offered to have her stay with us and told her and my parents about the local democratic school that my son goes to part- time. The school offers full time enrollment and is open to homeschooling families like a co-op. She seems interested and I believe my parents would be willing-they just can't afford it. She is coming to stay with us for the weekend and I plan to take her by the school to check it out.
My question is...how can I make the best environment for a 14 yeAr old like this? I want to make her feel as comfortable, content and accepted as possible here in hopes that she will want to stay with me and then get her into the co-op(my grandparents are willing to help financially). It seems like a "school" where she is free to deschool and just BE, while my parents are content with her being in the hands of professionals is the best option. Or does anyone have other ideas?
Thank you,
Katey
Sandra Dodd
-=- I have offered to have her stay with us and told her and my parents about the local democratic school that my son goes to part- time. The school offers full time enrollment and is open to homeschooling families like a co-op. She seems interested and I believe my parents would be willing-they just can't afford it. She is coming to stay with us for the weekend and I plan to take her by the school to check it out. -=-
If they can’t afford it don’t take her to check it out. It will be one more thing she can’t have.
Unless you can afford to enroll her, don’t take her. Don’t add to her frustrations.
-=-My question is...how can I make the best environment for a 14 yeAr old like this? I want to make her feel as comfortable, content and accepted as possible here in hopes that she will want to stay with me and then get her into the co-op (my grandparents are willing to help financially).-=-
If your grandparents are near enough to help more than just financially, maybe expand your thinking a bit. My first thought was that your sister’s presence in your home could harm your son’s peace and learning. My parents took in cousins of mine. There’s a downside. I had custody of my half brother for a while when he was a young teen. My oldest was still a baby. Had my kids been older, his problems would have affected them negatively. I risked my marriage over my brother. I’m glad the marriage survived, but it involved me detaching emotionally from my mom’s failure to parent, and from the idea that I was responsible to pick up all of her slack and raise my brother.
Maybe your grandparents could afford to pay for some counselling for you, to help you get a solid and realistic start to all this. Don’t risk your own family’s peace and safety.
-=- It seems like a "school" where she is free to deschool and just BE, while my parents are content with her being in the hands of professionals is the best option. Or does anyone have other ideas? }-=-
If your parents weren’t able to get her safely and peacefully grown, maybe you shouldn't let them call the shots too much now. If they’re going to try to micro-manage where and how she “goes to school” (regardless of the definition or relaties of that), they’ll waste a lot of your time and energy (again, adversely affecting your family).
Find her a dance class, or even a one-on-one dance teacher. If you’re near a college or university, there might be a dance class there she could get in on somehow, or there might be a dance student who might be willing to do some things with her.
When she’s 15, 16, it’s possible you could get her into community college (with social life) or maybe help her get a job (with social life).
Sandra
If they can’t afford it don’t take her to check it out. It will be one more thing she can’t have.
Unless you can afford to enroll her, don’t take her. Don’t add to her frustrations.
-=-My question is...how can I make the best environment for a 14 yeAr old like this? I want to make her feel as comfortable, content and accepted as possible here in hopes that she will want to stay with me and then get her into the co-op (my grandparents are willing to help financially).-=-
If your grandparents are near enough to help more than just financially, maybe expand your thinking a bit. My first thought was that your sister’s presence in your home could harm your son’s peace and learning. My parents took in cousins of mine. There’s a downside. I had custody of my half brother for a while when he was a young teen. My oldest was still a baby. Had my kids been older, his problems would have affected them negatively. I risked my marriage over my brother. I’m glad the marriage survived, but it involved me detaching emotionally from my mom’s failure to parent, and from the idea that I was responsible to pick up all of her slack and raise my brother.
Maybe your grandparents could afford to pay for some counselling for you, to help you get a solid and realistic start to all this. Don’t risk your own family’s peace and safety.
-=- It seems like a "school" where she is free to deschool and just BE, while my parents are content with her being in the hands of professionals is the best option. Or does anyone have other ideas? }-=-
If your parents weren’t able to get her safely and peacefully grown, maybe you shouldn't let them call the shots too much now. If they’re going to try to micro-manage where and how she “goes to school” (regardless of the definition or relaties of that), they’ll waste a lot of your time and energy (again, adversely affecting your family).
Find her a dance class, or even a one-on-one dance teacher. If you’re near a college or university, there might be a dance class there she could get in on somehow, or there might be a dance student who might be willing to do some things with her.
When she’s 15, 16, it’s possible you could get her into community college (with social life) or maybe help her get a job (with social life).
Sandra