katerina.kolevablisss@...

Hi guys,


I've been reading this group for about 5 years now and I've learned tons and the discussions continue to help me question a lot.


I'm the mother of two boys 5 and 10( nearly 11) yo. 

I'm writing to ask for help of how to guide and advice my older boy. He has often had meltdowns mainly when he is gaming, but it could be also when he can't unlock the door, tie his shoes, zip his jacket etc. It is when he is not able to do something, he gets very frustrated.

Recently he has been saying( more screaming):'Its because its me, that's why it's not working' for things like not being able to download particular mod at Minecraft, unable to change the skin in the game etc etc. He scream, pulls his hair, or bangs on the floor. It is quite distressing for the rest of us to be honest.

He often feels his friends are either ignoring him or being unfair to him.


Another thing I've noticed is that he appears to feel quite anxious when there are children he doesn't know around and starts to be loud,obnoxious and attracts attention, not in a good way.


I guess what I am asking is for ways of him feeling more powerful and capable.

Thank you

Katerina

Sandra Dodd

Kirby was hot tempered as a kid, and hogged attention, sometimes. Separate problems, but still…
When he was angry I’d ask him to breahe. Me, right with him, breathing with him, and if he didn’t do it, I did, to help calm him (and in any case it calmed me, because I could take personally that he wasn’t able to handle life better).

When he was likely to disrupt a gathering by needing lots of attention, sometimes I’d remind him of the purpose or principle—who’s the guest of honor? Whose house is it? Whatever might be helpful so that he was rminded that different gatherings have different ideals and needs. In the absence of a clear focus (birthday party, or something that clearly had a main character and traditions), a couple of times I said “Don’t breathe more than your share of the air” or “don’t hog the oxygen.” I said it lightly the same way I’d say “remember your hoody.”

Take food to him when he’s playing. Some people lost patience from lack of protein. Holly does and I do. Kirby some; Marty and Keith not at all. If a couple of hours have passed leave an assortment of protein-rich finger-foods within reach of him. There’s a vegetarial list of them here; add in meat, if he eats that, and you’re set:

http://sandradodd.com/eating/protein
Google told me that’s not mobile friendly. Rather than me re-writing a website with 2000+ pages, how about anyone who needs help get on a computer!

I hope other people will share ideas, too.

As to disagreements between him and other kids, this is what I did and it worked wonderfully well for coaching kids on doing better in future similar situations.
http://sandradodd.com/peace/fighting

Sandra

Belinda D

Just a thought, but I wonder, looking at the ages of your kids, whether there is a possibility that you are still helping your 5yo with lots of stuff that your 10yo is starting to be independent with. That his transition to older, more independent, mature boy is a bit conflicted with stepping away from what he sees you doing with his younger brother. I wonder if occasionally he wants to be a 5yo again!!! And yet doesn’t really, so gets cross with himself.
I don’t know your situation of course, but I wonder if there’s any room for spending more time with him alone, making sure he’s getting the attention that clearly he sometimes expresses a need for. Not for emphasising what a grown up boy he is, but for just nurturing his sense of importance in his standing in the family. At about that age I would occasionally take my son for lunch somewhere, (he loves good food), without his younger sister, and we would chat and just have a nice time (away from possible sources of conflict and frustration such as gaming). I would steer the conversation slightly, as my son is not particularly chatty, and lightly ask him questions such as ‘if you could have anything you want in a fantasy world what would you ask for?’ ‘what’s the best thing you’ve learned off youtube?’ etc. I remember those one on one ‘dates' as very important in what were slightly tricky times.

Belinda