anita_loomis@...

I thought I would be posting for some input about how to support my 8 year old daughter through moving house but now I have an even larger issue of loss to help her (and myself) with - the loss of her friends from our previous neighborhood.  I had thought that we would be able to keep connection as we only moved about an hour away. But, due to some mistakes on my part and a friend’s unwillingness to forgive me, my dear friend (who is also mother of my daughter’s favorite friends) appears to no longer wants to be connected in any way.  I have apologized in writing and in phones messages. I do not wish for the friendship to end but I cannot think of anything more that I can do to makes things right between us as she will not speak to me. Many of my daughter’s favorite out-of -the-house activities revolved around this connection and she loves this circle of friends dearly, as do I.  My daughter is having a very hard time with the move and doesn’t want to go out into the new neighborhood or make new friends.  I understand this is not too unusual for children when they are uprooted and I can relax with being at home as she tends to be a homebody anyway.  What I don’t know how to do is tell her that because of difficulties between grown-ups, she no longer gets to see/skype/minecraft with her friends.  We were set to do an annual trick-or-treat and party next week. She is super excited to attend but I don’t think it would be a good idea to take her to this.  I do not want to put my daughter in a situation where she and I are not welcome and where someone may be cruel to her.  I have not told her about the situation, as I have been holding hope that my friend and I might reconcile. I have been quite sick and sad about the situation, which doesn’t help with being present for my daughter during this tough time.  I really benefited from the Just Add Light and Stir email about letting “breathing bring you closer to better.”  I have been focusing on being the best friend to my daughter that I can be. My own energy level was already zapped from the move and now I have tipped over into a situational depression so I am also addressing that.   I think it is coming time to tell my daughter about the loss of her friends and be present for this next round of loss and grieving.  Any suggestions about how I am thinking about this and what is the most loving and appropriate approach to take would be appreciated.


Sandra Dodd

Find something else to do. Find some community activity in your new area—pumpkin patch, an event at a mall, SOMEthing.
You don’t need to talk about what happened yet. You can stall off.

Take her to a movie between now and then.

Do new and different things with your energy, to distract yourself and your daughter both. Dwelling on, discussing, analyzing what went wrong with the other family won’t help you right now. It can live in the back of your mind to help you in future situations with new friends, but you don’t need to live in it right now.

Sandra

D. Harper

> What I don’t know how to do is tell her that because of difficulties between grown-ups, she no longer gets to see/skype/minecraft with her friends.

Focus more on what she can do, than on what she can’t do. Exciting, different things could be very helpful at this point - a special thing that she’d love, especially if it has an ongoing element.

> We were set to do an annual trick-or-treat and party next week. She is super excited to attend but I don’t think it would be a good idea to take her to this. I do not want to put my daughter in a situation where she and I are not welcome and where someone may be cruel to her.

Could dad or grandma or someone else take her, so that the tension between you and your friend is not front and centre? Do you think it’s likely that people would be cruel to her?

> I think it is coming time to tell my daughter about the loss of her friends

If you do talk to your daughter, I would talk about the other mother being angry with you at the moment, rather than about "the loss of her friends". Maybe the mother will relax about the kids getting together again at some point. Maybe there will be opportunities to do more to heal the relationship.

It will be easier for your daughter to understand and adapt to the current situation if the problem is about the mother feeling hurt and angry at the moment. It leaves open doors of hope for the future. In the meantime she can move on with making the most of her new home and neighbourhood.

Debbie :)

anita_loomis@...

Thank you.  It is such a useful reminder not to get bogged down in the difficulties, to let in some light and air and let the happy moments take the focus.  To remember that children don't need to feel all that drama coming from the adults around them.  I think it is not a responsible thing to lay all that on a child and call it "honesty." I do my best to shield my child from world events that she has no control over and that could be overwhelming.  I think this is similar.  This is an extremely difficult time for her. I am gathering my thoughts and questions to post about this move as I was already concerned about her before this situation arose.  I learn so much from this group and am looking forward to more insights and redirections!