Kelly Callahan

Hello all-

I need some good unschooling thoughts on a dynamic with my daughter, who is 13. 

For background, she left school at age 10, we started unschooling about a year later. I have a younger son as well, who is now 10. 

My daughter has always been very outspoken, bold, even bordering on rude at times in her responses to people and comments. Her first grade teacher noted this in a parent teacher conference. On the other hand, she knows when to be polite and can handle herself in adult company in a way that is expected (by them) of her as well, so it's not like she isn't aware of socially appropriate behaviors.
And adults typically LOVE her as she is articulate and thoughtful and willing to converse. 

In our own family, we have become accustomed to her bluntness and when she has 'crossed a line' - like a comment not just being bold but mean or condescending, we have told her so and asked her to rephrase her words. 

She likes being sarcastic and sharp witted, like in an insult/comeback kind of way. She likes finding snappy quotes on Pinterest and she has a group of friends that also play around with this. it doesn't bother me in this capacity, although sometimes I wonder if she doesn't notice the response of those around her. 

Her younger brother has always born the brunt of her attitude and in the last few days, it seems like with every comment he makes- directed to her or not- she responds in a condescending way, challenging, contradicting, or just plain shutting him down. 

Of course, he has lived with her his whole life, so he is used to this, but I also see how much he just wants to get along with her, interact, etc. and that he is hurt by her treating him this way. I have tried a variety of approaches; making a neutral comment to soften or rephrase what she has said, to question her back- Raelin did you mean xyz? to explain on his behalf something she is poking at so he doesn't get put on the spot. 

she has expressed in the past that she feels we favor him over her, especially me. They have *very different* personalities and ways of interacting, and because Liam, my son, is cuddly and likes to be around us and interact and have help on things (getting food, finding items he's looking for etc.) I certainly understand her view. Raelin is and has always been very independent, she does not want help, she spends a lot of time alone and with friends, and very rarely will join in on things like tabletop games, video games we play together, watch movies, etc. She does not like to be touched. 

Since starting unschooling I have been working at seeing what *she* uniquely needs and what it takes to connect with her. I respect her space and independence, and I understand it because I am a lot like that myself. Some days it is easier than others, because there's only so much you can connect with someone who chooses not to be around you. I pick up little things she would like, I make offers to follow up on things she has expressed interest in with no expectation, I meet her need to see friends and have social time as much as possible (this often means driving multiple times a day 25+ minutes one way to get her to friends, meet ups etc.). 

I have heard from other people that she speaks highly of my husband and I as parents, and she values the trust and independence we give her. And I do feel this from her at times as well. 

And yet, in her tone of voice, words, and attitude to her brother (and also, I would say, at times to me and her dad), I know we can be doing better. There is a need that is not being met, and I am fumbling with what else/how else to respond. 
I feel that by calling out this dynamic, she will take it as another way in which we favor her brother, and so it will actually fuel this animosity. 

I have appreciated Sandra's quote (and please correct this if need be )about how siblings don't have to have a relationship past being in the home, but that while living together, the goal is to have some peace and safety in the home. There has never been physical fighting between my kids, but i don't think there has been the emotional safety they need. 

I appreciate any thoughts, experiences, and suggestions. Thanks- 


Kelly



sukaynalabboun@...

Even before we were unschooling, I never really let put-downs or hurtful language find a place in our home. Once that becomes the norm, it might be pretty hard to weed out.

Of course there were many instances where someone pointed out something that seemed harsh or hurtful and we addressed it depending on how much talking or negotiating needed doing. Often, when they were younger, simply asking X if Y's comment had been upsetting was enough. Then simply saying everyone deserves to feel safe and comfortable at home (if that reminder was even needed) was enough. This included us as adults.

Maybe because we had already established a home where they saw issues resolved without too much anger, put downs etc it helped. Not perfect but loving and always letting people have a say in things. 

Now they are three teens (oldest is 18 this year), and I see they do cross those lines occasionally. Usually they catch themselves, or defend themselves, and the other one might apologise or otherwise make amends and change. They rarely insist on upsetting one another, and are very warm and close. 

My advice would be to find a way of talking about how everyone (young and old) deserves to be spoken to, how behavior with friends might be fine in certain instances and in other settings, the same thing can easily turn people off. Don't make it so much about your son, more of a general guidance for maturing people. 

I was really blunt, and had a very quick temper. I learned to dampen the temper, and use my blunt comments when it was necessary or beneficial- I learned to have a slightly different default 😉

I think a large part of unschooling is gently helping our kids to see when they might need to adjust to circumstance and environment- that is not being restrained or unauthentic- that  is being a mature, complex and thinking human. I know Sandra has written alot about this- that unschoolers live in the real world and people will not hand out exemption slips for rude behaviour. 

I am so glad my Mom used to ( not very gently, sweetly) remind me of how others would interpret my teenage blunt attitude. I would have loved for her to find a sweeter way to do it, but in the end, she was  helpful- though not in the way I would choose to speak to anyones children. As a mother, I would rather take the burden of finding a creative, kinder approach before relationships-jobs- opportunities suffer.