Hitting Sibling
katja.bostock@...
My son turned 3 this past week, my daughter turned 6. I have a challenge in preventing my daughter from getting injured by my son punching her in the gut, scratching her and throwing toys at her head. Unfortunately he has perfect aim.
My son still nurses. We co-sleep. I am a stay-at-home parent. We never hit our children. Since starting radical unschooling some time last year, our home has become fun, light and peaceful.
It seems to me that my son believes the hitting is a fun game. Most of the time, the lashing out doesn't come from a dispute with his sister. Based on the materials on unschooling I was reading, I felt it might have to do with him not getting enough time with me. So I try to be available always. When he lashes out, I catch his hand and remind him to be careful. He then proceeds, tries to get around me to my daughter and continue on his quest. Yesterday, I had to step away for a moment, so I told my daughter I would lock her into her room so she can be safe. My son unlocked the door and ran in to hit her. Just that fast. Today, I was babysitting a toddler and while changing his dirty diaper, I heard my daughter struggle just a few steps away in the next room. I couldn't get to them in that moment so she received a bloody scrape.
So here is the actual question: How do I behave around and after these incidents? I have reminded my son about 5 million times to be gentle, that getting hurt is not funny. He just laughs. Is he too young? When there is evidence of his doing, I have tried showing it to him. 'See, your sister go hurt.' He is very empathetic, kisses her and goes to get her a bandaid. And does it again 5 minutes later.
How can I gently guide him?
Sandra Dodd
If a stranger came into your house and attacked your daughter, would you catch his hand and remind him to be careful? “Careful” doing what? Taking aim?
Say NO, and mean it. Don’t waffle. Don’t recommend. Don’t give options. Protect your daughter.
-=- Yesterday, I had to step away for a moment, so I told my daughter I would lock her into her room so she can be safe. My son unlocked the door and ran in to hit her.-=-
Even having a bedroom that can lock from the outside makes the situation feel unhealthy.
-=- had to step away for a moment-=-
You should have taken the three year old with you. More time with mom, safer for daughter, not locking anyone up.
-=-Today, I was babysitting a toddler and while changing his dirty diaper, I heard my daughter struggle just a few steps away in the next room. I couldn't get to them in that moment so she received a bloody scrape. -=-
Keep the three year old with you. You could talk to him, sing to him, tell him stories while you change someone else’s diaper.
Keep the three year old with you. You could have him playing with toys, or playing on an iPad or helping you with something (not the dirty diaper, but something).
-=-I couldn't get to them in that moment so she received a bloody scrape.-=-
The way you’re describing things shows the way you’re thinking about them (unless you’re purposely and thoughtfully rephrasing, which will show something important too).
-=-I couldn't get to them in that moment so …-=-
IF your son is a danger in any moment you’re not there, keep him with you. Don’t leave dangerous things out. If he’s a dangerous thing, don’t leave him alone with your daughter.
I hope you will look at ways to help him not be dangerous. But back to your odd description:
-=-she received a bloody scrape.-=-
UPS came while you were in the other room?
A bloody scrape came upon her as a sign from God, like stigmata?
There was a gift-wrapped bloody scrape that she had failed to remember she had, and she opened it and put it on?
“She received”?
Your son wounded your daughter and drew blood.
Play with these ideas in your own head: Someone comes in with a gun and later you are shot and bleeding.
Would you say “the police weren’t able to get to us in that moment, so I received a bloody wound”?
-=-So here is the actual question: How do I behave around and after these incidents? -=-
Wrong question. WAY wrong question. The actual question should be “How could I behave so that these incidents will not happen?”
-=- I have reminded my son about 5 million times to be gentle, that getting hurt is not funny.-=-
That’s funny. Five million? If it makes you feel better to think you’ve reminded him five million times, why is that?
After one million, why didn’t you figure out your reminders were not ONLY not stopping the behavior, but that your son was laughing at your attempts?
Let’s assume it wasn’t five million. (And please try to report honestly, not just to us or others, but to yourself.)
Let’s assume you have told him 40 times.
After ten times, why didn’t you figure out it wasn’t working?
Are you suggesting or thinking that your daughter has been hurt five million times? Forty times?
-=-Is he too young? -=-
Too young to throw a toy and hit her in the head?
Too young to punch her in the gut?
Are you too young to protect your daughter?
-=-How can I gently guide him?-=-
Somewhere, someone has given you the idea that you-the-mom must be gentle.
It’s not working well at all in this case. Someone on your team is being violent. Someone else on your team is receiving bloody wounds.
Change your game plan entirely, then.
Your daughter should be safe in her own home.
-=-When there is evidence of his doing, I have tried showing it to him. 'See, your sister go hurt.’ -=-
Evidence other than her having said “He hit me again”?
Above all the other scenario you’ve described, this is false, too:
-=-Since starting radical unschooling some time last year, our home has become fun, light and peaceful. -=-
Is your daughter’s life fun, light and peaceful?
If your son’s life fun, light and peaceful?
If they are, the story you told us isn’t true, so all you need to do is rethink and rephrase.
If the stories of the hitting and blood ARE true, then rethink and rephrase whether your home is fun, light and peaceful.
Sandra
Bernadette Lynn
It seems to me that my son believes the hitting is a fun game. Most of the time, the lashing out doesn't come from a dispute with his sister. Based on the materials on unschooling I was reading, I felt it might have to do with him not getting enough time with me. So I try to be available always.
================================================'Being present' is not the same as 'being available'. With small children you need to be paying attention to them, playing with them and being aware of what they're thinking and feeling.=============================When he lashes out, I catch his hand and remind him to be careful. He then proceeds, tries to get around me to my daughter and continue on his quest.
================================Don't 'remind him to be careful'. He isn't being careless. You're not describing accidental behaviour caused by someone not taking care. Tell him to stop. Say 'don't hurt your sister'. Say NO. It isn't acceptable behaviour, so don't show him that actually, it probably is, by treating it as an accident or a game.=============================So here is the actual question: How do I behave around and after these incidents? I have reminded my son about 5 million times to be gentle, that getting hurt is not funny. He just laughs. Is he too young? When there is evidence of his doing, I have tried showing it to him. 'See, your sister go hurt.' He is very empathetic, kisses her and goes to get her a bandaid. And does it again 5 minutes later.
============================
His sister didn't 'get hurt'. He hurt his sister. Don't try and sugar-coat it and make it easy for him.Bernadette.
Sandra Dodd
http://sandradodd.com/tone