nicole.rod@...

My kids, 8 and 5, occasionally spend a night or two here and there with my husbands parents who live nearby (45 minutes). They enjoy going, and their grandparents enjoy having them. 

This weekend they spent the night and when we picked them up my Mother in Law asked me if I limit their Ipad use. I honestly answered that we don't. She responded with, "Oh... well, it was a problem." They have asked to have them again in a couple of weeks, and mentioned setting ipad limits at her house. On one hand I feel like "their house, their rules" is a real life limit, but on the other hand I wonder how to approach it. I think about talking with them and letting them know that Grandma would like to spend more time with them and less time watching them be on iPads. I am afraid that a conversation like that will result in them not wanting to go to Grandma's. But I'm also not okay with sending them off into limits I know are coming without giving them a heads-up. 

(For the sake of reference, I'll add that as arbitrary limits have loosened in our own home over the last year or so, but especially over this summer, Grandma's house has gone from being the more fun place to the less fun place.) 




Sandra Dodd

-=-Grandma's house has gone from being the more fun place to the less fun place.-=-

Are they going because you need the babysitting? Or is it an invitation by the grandparents? That matters.
If the grandparents are doing you a favor, make it fun and easy for them in any way you can. If your children are inconvenienced, that’s okay. It’s childcare. It’s a necessity. It’s okay for it not to be as fun as home.

If the grandparents have requested the company of their grandchildren, then it should be on their terms, largely. It’s like being invited to a party—the inviters get to state the theme and the plans, and the invitees can accept or decline.

-=-They enjoy going, and their grandparents enjoy having them. -=-

Be careful how you describe it—be honest with the way you characterize it in your own mind.

This time, there were problems. Your mother-in-law said so. You said her house was less fun.

-=-But I'm also not okay with sending them off into limits I know are coming without giving them a heads-up. -=-

If it’s babysitting, maybe limit the iPad use. Make an arrangement in advance—decide with your inlaws—when and where it would be okay.

If it’s invitation, social, maybe don’t send the iPads at all. Tell them you’ll have the iPads with you in the car, charged, when you pick them up, but while they’re at grandma’s, they should play with her, play with her stuff, play her way.

Sandra

Jo Isaac

I agree that it depends why the kids are going to Grandma's? Are the kids asking to go? Is it babysitting and doing you a favor? Is Grandma asking them to come stay? 

My son is older - 10 - and his Grandma (also my MIL) lives about 45 minutes away. He doesn't want to stay there overnight, and never has.  But recently I've had a temporary job which either takes me away from home for a whole working week, or else i'm working in the day time for a week, and Nana has been doing us a HUGE favor in looking after Kai during the day on those weeks. Mostly, we try and have her come to our house, but sometimes Kai needs to go to their house.

She knows we don't limit computer time, but she's uncomfortable with Kai being on the computer all day. So. Before she comes, Kai and I figure out ways together to help them both feel better about that. I ask Kai to suggest a walk to the scooter park early in the day, and suggest they play a board or card game at some point. That way, Nana feels like they've done something else, and he hasn't been on the computer all day, and she's happier to leave him be for the rest of the day.

==They have asked to have them again in a couple of weeks, and mentioned setting ipad limits at her house.== Do they need to stay the night? Maybe they could just go, without iPads, for a few hours? 

== I think about talking with them and letting them know that Grandma would like to spend more time with them and less time watching them be on iPads.== I think that is a good way to frame it. If they are visiting grandma, and all parties want that visiting to continue, then come up with a strategy to make everyone happy with that. Maybe they could just play their iPads after dinner, or at bedtime? Maybe send other card/board games with them that they can play with Grandma?

== I am afraid that a conversation like that will result in them not wanting to go to Grandma's.== Again, it depends why the visits happen. As kids get older, they tend not to want to visit grandma so often anyway. Maybe you can send one child at a time so that the iPads aren't so much a 'thing'? Ask your MIL how much/ when/if iPad use would be okay. As your children what they are willing to do to help Grandma feel better about their visits.

Jo





nicole.rod@...

The visits are invitations, but they are also timed such that they are advantageous to my husband and me. This weekend was our anniversary, so they offered to have the kids over. The invitation for a couple weeks from now coincides with a week when hubby will be taking an intensive online training course. It's a win for both sides, and I definitely respect and value my in laws enough that I want this to continue being something that they want to do.

Ideally, I'd like to figure out how to make it appealing so that they don't see it as "I'm going to Grandma's and I can't play my iPad there." I guess maybe that's where I'm having a hard time. 

--Do they need to stay the night? Maybe they could just go, without iPads, for a few hours? -- 

 They don't need to, but my in-laws do enjoy and prefer having them for the night more than just for a few hours. They like to do the "grandparent spoiling" stuff, so when I say that their house isn't as fun, I'm comparing to when we had arbitrary limits on sweets and bedtimes and electronics. "One more cookie/story/show" is as likely to happen at home as at their house. And there are some Grandma's house perks that the kids still enjoy that don't happen at home (she bakes more often, and far better, than I do, for one.) 


So, I'm thinking this looks something like, "Hey, Grandma really wants to play with YOU. Let's leave the iPads here but take some fun games she hasn't played!" Or maybe even go buy a new game! But I'm still learning to navigate between control and permissiveness, and wonder what others might say if that's met with "I don't want to take any games/why can't we take the iPads/I don't want to go." 

Nicole

Clare Kirkpatrick

I would consider it normal guest-etiquette to *not* play on my ipad or phone most of the time I'm there. That is because, if you go somewhere to be with some people and you play on your phone the whole time, it appears to the host/hostess that you don't enjoy their company. Wanting to make life good for other people as well as for yourself is, in my opinion, the essence of 'manners'. They're not rules, they're principles - the principles of your children not wanting their grandparents to feel offended and disliked. 

You might find this link helpful: http://sandradodd.com/coaching

I would suggest that coaching your kids ie. talking to your children (not too much!) about what it means to be a guest in someone's house who you love.

I'd also suggest talking to your parents-in-law about what it means to them to be caring for your children. If they're looking forward to your children's company and have fun things planned, it's rude for your kids to choose their ipads over that. If the agreement is simply that the grandparents are the responsible adults for that time (that's how it is with my parents and parents-in-law), then that needs to be decided. Are the children guests or simply being 'minded' while they do their own thing? If they're there as guests, then you need to help your kids understand what that means. Be careful that you don't present it as a rule ie. not 'no ipads - if you can't go and not play on your ipad then choose not to go'. Just make it about coaching - about the good, fun things about going to grandma and grandad's and about understanding the principles of etiquette - of not offending or inconveniencing other people. 

Clare

On 25 July 2016 at 03:04, nicole.rod@... [AlwaysLearning] <[email protected]> wrote:
 

The visits are invitations, but they are also timed such that they are advantageous to my husband and me. This weekend was our anniversary, so they offered to have the kids over. The invitation for a couple weeks from now coincides with a week when hubby will be taking an intensive online training course. It's a win for both sides, and I definitely respect and value my in laws enough that I want this to continue being something that they want to do.

Ideally, I'd like to figure out how to make it appealing so that they don't see it as "I'm going to Grandma's and I can't play my iPad there." I guess maybe that's where I'm having a hard time. 


--Do they need to stay the night? Maybe they could just go, without iPads, for a few hours? -- 

 They don't need to, but my in-laws do enjoy and prefer having them for the night more than just for a few hours. They like to do the "grandparent spoiling" stuff, so when I say that their house isn't as fun, I'm comparing to when we had arbitrary limits on sweets and bedtimes and electronics. "One more cookie/story/show" is as likely to happen at home as at their house. And there are some Grandma's house perks that the kids still enjoy that don't happen at home (she bakes more often, and far better, than I do, for one.) 


So, I'm thinking this looks something like, "Hey, Grandma really wants to play with YOU. Let's leave the iPads here but take some fun games she hasn't played!" Or maybe even go buy a new game! But I'm still learning to navigate between control and permissiveness, and wonder what others might say if that's met with "I don't want to take any games/why can't we take the iPads/I don't want to go." 

Nicole


Caroline Lieber

My parents live quite far away from us. Once or twice a year we will go and visit and stay in their house with them for a week or two. When my eldest was about 8 she started to use her iPad a lot and my mum, who likes to do activities with her and her younger sister, said sadly that the iPad was more interesting than she was. When I talked my daughter about how her grandma felt and reminded her that we were only with her for a limited time, she was happy to spend less time on her ipad. She also started watching tv with my dad which is he really enjoys. They both like to watch documentaries together.

My daughter is 11 now and I asked her how she feels about taking time off her iPad to be with her grandparents she says she likes it. I asked her how she would feel if grandma really didn't like iPads and I asked her not to use it at all. She said she would be sad because sometimes she likes to show grandma things she is doing on the iPad.

So maybe your kids won't be as upset about not using their iPads as you fear? Especially if you explain that their grandparents really want to spend time with them and that they will be able to use their iPads when they like when they get home again. Maybe their grandparents could find something they would all like to watch together on the tv? Maybe you could help your kids pick out some things to show their grandparents on their iPads when they go to visit?

My kids love playing on their iPads and their computers but when we spend time with people who want to do other things with them or kids whose parents limit their children's computer time, my kids are surprisingly happy to leave the computers and iPads till later when they know they can play as long as they like.

Caroline

Nicole Rod

Yes... I see now that I did not partner with them in such a way that they would each enjoy the other's company. I'll talk with Grandma about what she's comfortable with, and talk with the kids (not too much!) about being thoughtful guests and grandma's feelings. Her feelings were probably quite hurt. 

--
Nicole 

Sarah Thompson

Their tablets are a comforting touchstone for my kids when they are away from home so they like to use them at grandparents' houses. If they aren't tired or overwhelmed, there are lots of things they like to do with other people rather than play on their tablets, though. Over the years I've tried to tell my parents and inlaws what activities the kids enjoy, so they can know what to suggest in order to have fun together. It's been a learning process. 



Anna Black

My parents look after our girls (6 and 9) most Wednesdays for a couple of hours. I have said to them that this is time to spend with Grandpa or Grandma and I set up lots of things they might do together, like board games or craft activities. My parents also sometimes bring new little things to do or take them out for lunch. They have also learnt lots about my kids' favourite online game Animal Jam and discuss that with them, which they love.

Because it's only for a couple of hours, my girls are fine with this and love spending time with their grandparents. If it was for longer I would suggest they plan a special activity during the day and a movie night or something for the evening. I think that's part of being a good host.