vardenroad@...

Hi

I have been reading here for around three years and this is my first post. I am asking for ideas to help me better partner my 16 year old son, my oldest child, who has never been to school. My thinking has become unclear and my son seems too be holding himself back. We are in the UK and began with what is called autonomous education here when my first child was small. Our parenting looked a lot like unschooling in many respects, though there were some limits around sugary food (my own anxieties with food since childhood), which we stopped around three years ago, coinciding with me starting to read on here. This group has really helped me in subtle and wonderful ways to focus more on joy and connection in my relationships.


My 16 year old has never been much of communicator so i have always checked in often to find out what he needs. His life so far has been as full and as rich as i think he has wanted. These last few months though, i have become concerned that he is holding himself back from things he could try because of fear. He is a shy person who has always found unfamiliar situations and group social occasions hard, though he can be great fun at home and one-to-one. He is also an introvert who needs a lot of time to himself, and i suspect he may be a little bit Aspergers too (i know they don’t use that term in diagnosis now). He likes the idea of a part-time job, but is worried in case he can’t do it, or the social interactions will be too difficult. He has been offered the chance to join a tutor group for maths and English with a group of teen friends, which he sees could be good stepping stone to some jobs and courses he may want to do later, but is worried he will struggle in the group. He is aware that some of his peers are going to college and some are studying for exams at home, and because those things are new and different and scary he doesn't want to consider them. It isn't that i think he should or must do these things at all. It is more that he is choosing not to try things out of fear rather than choosing what he thinks sounds fun or interesting, as he always has in the past.


I am aware of my own fears here, that he won’t be capable of going out into the adult world if he continues in this way, that he won’t start to earn money for himself by the time child benefits stop being paid. If he were a 10 year old who enjoyed spending his time watching technology shows, and dungeons and dragons videos on you tube, gaming online, and inlining at skateparks i know i would be happy he was happy and not worry. I can see it is because of his age, and how close he is to adulthood. I am losing trust in the process a little, so i suppose i need help to get back that trust.


How can i get some clarity about this? Do any of you have ideas for supporting him in making choices despite his anxieties?


Thanks

Sarah


Bernadette Lynn

++++++++++++++

It isn't that i think he should or must do these things at all. It is more that he is choosing not to try things out of fear rather than choosing what he thinks sounds fun or interesting, as he always has in the past.

++++++++++++++++++++++++++


None of those things sound particularly fun or interesting to me, nor would they to my girls. What makes you so sure it's fear holding him back, rather than not being interested enough to make the effort? Could he be making excuses, because he thinks he ought to want to do them, but doesn't?

Bernadette.

Sandra Dodd

-=-It is more that he is choosing not to try things out of fear rather than choosing what he thinks sounds fun or interesting, as he always has in the past.-=-

“Always” should set off your alarms. Work on helping to stop and hear “always” or “never.” They’re rarely stating a truth.

Didn’t you hope he would grow up?
Is it possible that you, the mom, fear his changing from boy to man?

Consider that.

And as comparisons go, the best one might be to compare what he knows and is doing to what he might be doing if he were in school. MANY boys that age want to drop out. They get involved in dangerous activities of one sort or another, with groups of other boys. They can become belligerant in school, and defiant. If he’s not doing all of that, then he might be still at an advantage.

If before he’s been eager to go out, maybe he’s at an age where he sees the disadvantages. Maybe his skin is embarrassing him, or maybe he’s feeling gangly and too old for boys’ things, and too young for men’s things. Maybe he’s right! Maybe it’s a good time for him to cocoon himself and wait until he wants to venture out.

Sandra

Alex & Brian Polikowsky

It does sound like you are the one anxious that he should be more mature and independent than he is.

He is 16. Many 16 year olds are not ready to take on a job.

People mature at different ages. It is not like at 18 the magic switch will flip and Voilà, he is an adult.

What does he like to do? Why can't he be just happy watching tech show and playing games?
Nowadays there are many people who make a good living, even millionaires, from doing just that!

They never have to feel anxious or leave home if they don't want. They don't need a regular job either.

No I think anxiety can be pretty debilitating and should be taken serious if that is , by his account not yours, not being able to do what he wants of it is incapacitating and painful for him. I know that medication and therapy can help and , if he wants, help him seek help or find help for him.

Just make sure it is not your anxiety and your ideas of how he should be or should be doing that is getting in the way of you seeing him where he is and accepting and embracing him now.

Alex P ( who is having major anxiety over big water loss in her home )

Sent from my iPhone

On Jun 3, 2016, at 3:44 AM, vardenroad@... [AlwaysLearning] <[email protected]> wrote:

 

Hi

I have been reading here for around three years and this is my first post. I am asking for ideas to help me better partner my 16 year old son, my oldest child, who has never been to school. My thinking has become unclear and my son seems too be holding himself back. We are in the UK and began with what is called autonomous education here when my first child was small. Our parenting looked a lot like unschooling in many respects, though there were some limits around sugary food (my own anxieties with food since childhood), which we stopped around three years ago, coinciding with me starting to read on here. This group has really helped me in subtle and wonderful ways to focus more on joy and connection in my relationships.


My 16 year old has never been much of communicator so i have always checked in often to find out what he needs. His life so far has been as full and as rich as i think he has wanted. These last few months though, i have become concerned that he is holding himself back from things he could try because of fear. He is a shy person who has always found unfamiliar situations and group social occasions hard, though he can be great fun at home and one-to-one. He is also an introvert who needs a lot of time to himself, and i suspect he may be a little bit Aspergers too (i know they don’t use that term in diagnosis now). He likes the idea of a part-time job, but is worried in case he can’t do it, or the social interactions will be too difficult. He has been offered the chance to join a tutor group for maths and English with a group of teen friends, which he sees could be good stepping stone to some jobs and courses he may want to do later, but is worried he will struggle in the group. He is aware that some of his peers are going to college and some are studying for exams at home, and because those things are new and different and scary he doesn't want to consider them. It isn't that i think he should or must do these things at all. It is more that he is choosing not to try things out of fear rather than choosing what he thinks sounds fun or interesting, as he always has in the past.


I am aware of my own fears here, that he won’t be capable of going out into the adult world if he continues in this way, that he won’t start to earn money for himself by the time child benefits stop being paid. If he were a 10 year old who enjoyed spending his time watching technology shows, and dungeons and dragons videos on you tube, gaming online, and inlining at skateparks i know i would be happy he was happy and not worry. I can see it is because of his age, and how close he is to adulthood. I am losing trust in the process a little, so i suppose i need help to get back that trust.


How can i get some clarity about this? Do any of you have ideas for supporting him in making choices despite his anxieties?


Thanks

Sarah