"MY thing" and feeling like one of the kids
jessiwoodman@...
My kids are 8, 6, 4, and 1 and we've been travelling on the road toward unschooling since last summer. A thing that I'm having trouble navigating and would like suggestions about is my oldest telling me and her sisters, "NO! You can't watch that/eat that/do that, it's MY THING!" This has become a very common expression over the last year or so, and I thought moving and having her own room might solve it (since she used to share with two sisters), but it hasn't. It seems like there's an underlying emotion, or something that I'm missing. The other day the girls were all using my make-up as I was getting ready to go out and they were all having a lot of fun doing it, I stopped at the Goodwill on the way home and scored big time--they had a basket of brand new Mary Kay products for a $1 each. I brought home a bunch of it and framed it to my oldest (while her sisters were doing something else) like this: "I got a bunch of really nice make-up for all of us girls to use and we can keep it in a big bin in the bathroom." She was angry at first, because she wanted to take part of it to be 'just for her,' but then we set up the palatte together and she was the one to show it to her sisters later on. So I think I'm onto something....I'm not sure what it is....but that was the first time that it seemed to work out. I also tried making light of it by saying, "Air and water are MY THING," (I said it to all the girls because now they ALL want to have "their things"), "so don't breathe any air or drink any water because, those are MY things." The corners of her mouth *almost* turned into a smile, but then she suppressed it and got cranky with me.
The other thing I need help seeing from a different perspective is things with my husband. It might be helpful to know that I have recently been diagnosed with ADHD which explains why a lot of things in my life have been challenging for me, not to mention, raising four kids and not letting the house turn to squalor. Husband really appreciates things being tidy, and I would love to be more helpful...I just find it so difficult. We are looking for a counselor to help us work through some of this. On the unschooling side of things--he is gradually trying to do things more the way that I have been, but there are a lot of times when he will criticize the kids for 'being on technology all day' or 'eating too much crap,' I just need help figuring out a response, or not. I've sort of stopped responding (because he was feeling like I was correcting him all the time), but then the kids will look at me like, 'you just told me I could eat this 4th popsicle' or 'you just put on this movie for me.' I feel like one of the kids, and we are tiptoeing around him trying to not make him mad. The other day I was sweeping up popcorn and I said, "guys we gotta get this cleaned up before Papa comes down and sees our mess and flips out." I don't want to say those things or think those things, but I need help. Thanks in advance, I really love and appreciate this group.
Alex & Brian Polikowsky
. "The other day I was sweeping up popcorn and I said, "guys we gotta get this cleaned up before Papa comes down and sees our mess and flips out." I don't want to say those things or think those things, but I need help. "
You can start by not saying that ! Instead make it about being kind and caring for another person.
" Lets get this cleaned up so when so when dad gets home it is all nice . He will really appreciate and feel loved."
Alex
Sent from my iPhone
On Mar 4, 2016, at 11:46 AM, jessiwoodman@... [AlwaysLearning] <[email protected]> wrote:
. The other day I was sweeping up popcorn and I said, "guys we gotta get this cleaned up before Papa comes down and sees our mess and flips out." I don't want to say those things or think those things, but I need help. Thanks in advance, I really love and appreciate this group.
Sandra Dodd
-=-It seems like there's an underlying emotion, or something that I'm missing. -=-
As a first-born who was later crowded by a younger sister, and then two cousins who came to live with us for the rest of my childhood, I know EXACTLY what that emotion is.
She was an only child and you brought others along before she had had enough nurturing, and it seems you’re nicer to them than you ever were to her. AND you expect her to help you, and to be patient and kind and understanding and to share. She knows she will never have her parents to herself, so what DOES she have that’s special?
That’s the emotion.
Make her feel special. Thank her as you would a friend who helped you, if she helps. If you want her assistance, ask her nicely, in such a way that if she hesitates or rolls her eyes or huffs, you take it back nicely instead of pressuring or shaming, maybe. If you can do that—treat her with more courtesy—it might help.
Sandra
As a first-born who was later crowded by a younger sister, and then two cousins who came to live with us for the rest of my childhood, I know EXACTLY what that emotion is.
She was an only child and you brought others along before she had had enough nurturing, and it seems you’re nicer to them than you ever were to her. AND you expect her to help you, and to be patient and kind and understanding and to share. She knows she will never have her parents to herself, so what DOES she have that’s special?
That’s the emotion.
Make her feel special. Thank her as you would a friend who helped you, if she helps. If you want her assistance, ask her nicely, in such a way that if she hesitates or rolls her eyes or huffs, you take it back nicely instead of pressuring or shaming, maybe. If you can do that—treat her with more courtesy—it might help.
Sandra
D. Harper
I brought home a bunch of it and framed it to my oldest (while her sisters were doing something else) like this: "I got a bunch of really nice make-up for all of us girls to use and we can keep it in a big bin in the bathroom.”Would that appeal to all the kids? Sounds like the 8yo might prefer to have some of her own, rather than sharing from a big bin.She was angry at first, because she wanted to take part of it to be 'just for her,' but then we set up the palatte together and she was the one to show it to her sisters later on. So I think I'm onto something....I'm not sure what it is....but that was the first time that it seemed to work out.
Although the 8yo was able to adapt to her mother’s wishes, it still wasn’t how she would have liked it. She’s been expressing a desire for something different - to share less. Instead of seeing her desire as inappropriate and trying to find ways to change it, or damp it down; find ways to generously meet her desires so that she can feel fulfilled, and supported, and valued as she is. She will be more at ease sharing, when her cup is full.
:)
Sandra Dodd
-=- She will be more at ease sharing, when her cup is full. -=-
I agree with this, but there ARE other children.
We don’t know this, and the mom might not have, either:
-=-I brought home a bunch of it and framed it to my oldest (while her sisters were doing something else) like this: "I got a bunch of really nice make-up for all of us girls to use and we can keep it in a big bin in the bathroom.” -=-
----Would that appeal to all the kids? Sounds like the 8yo might prefer to have some of her own, rather than sharing from a big bin.——
I shared my (perhaps not all applicable) report of the feelings of a first-born, but it’s better not to make it worse by creating resentment in the other kids.
It seemed to me the mom was experimenting with breaking a pattern, and that this (the mom owning the make-up, and stating that it’s for sharing) could be a breakthrough. I told stories in a recent interview with Pam Laricchia about doing that here—if something was likely to cause a problem, it could be better if I owned it and could take care of it, rather than it belonging to one child when more than one wanted it.
http://livingjoyfully.ca/blog/2016/02/eu005-ten-questions-with-sandra-dodd/
Sandra
I agree with this, but there ARE other children.
We don’t know this, and the mom might not have, either:
-=-I brought home a bunch of it and framed it to my oldest (while her sisters were doing something else) like this: "I got a bunch of really nice make-up for all of us girls to use and we can keep it in a big bin in the bathroom.” -=-
----Would that appeal to all the kids? Sounds like the 8yo might prefer to have some of her own, rather than sharing from a big bin.——
I shared my (perhaps not all applicable) report of the feelings of a first-born, but it’s better not to make it worse by creating resentment in the other kids.
It seemed to me the mom was experimenting with breaking a pattern, and that this (the mom owning the make-up, and stating that it’s for sharing) could be a breakthrough. I told stories in a recent interview with Pam Laricchia about doing that here—if something was likely to cause a problem, it could be better if I owned it and could take care of it, rather than it belonging to one child when more than one wanted it.
http://livingjoyfully.ca/blog/2016/02/eu005-ten-questions-with-sandra-dodd/
Sandra