Kelly Callahan

I have two children, my son will be 10 in May, my daughter 13 in June. 

We left school 2 years ago, and started unschooling just over a year ago. 

While there are definitely ways that my kids can come together and complement each other well, more often than not it's the friction of repelling interests, personality traits, and mannerisms that surface between them. 

That's just a bit of background to preface our current situation. 

There is a large homeschooling cooperative that meets about 30 min. from our home. My daughter got involved last year and it has become central to her life. She is extroverted and craves being with people, having lots going on around her and getting involved. She likes being in classes and doesn't mind homework and projects, which some of the offerings include. The all-ages co-op meets for 4 hours once/week, and then a new day for ages 10+ meets another day. 

My son does NOT like the coop. He does not enjoy the classes, which- while very loose and not very academic, are still essentially schooly. He likes to be home with long, uninterrupted time on his computer. He does enjoy being with kids he knows and playing, but there isn't a lot of unstructured time at the co-op. You don't have to participate in anything, he has come and hung on out his ipad (though there's a distinct low-tech vibe), but he still doesn't want to come. 

Because it's a co-op, parents are expected to participate. Technically, kids cannot attend without parents. So, here is the dilemma. My daughter wants to go, and in order to support her and help make that happen, I need to participate. 

We are currently in an on-going conversation- me and the two kids, mostly me, one-on-one with each of them separately, in short bursts (probably due to our past efforts, they resist family meetings/group conversations)- about how we can make this work as a family and compromise to meet everyone's needs in some way. 

The logistics are the surface issue, and I know we'll figure it out in some form: drawing on support from my mom, petitioning the co-op to allow my daughter to go without me if I participate in some other way not on-site, having my son come to the older day with a laptop or ipad for just an hour or so while I offer a class to the older kids... .whatever we can agree to. 

(She wants to go both days, and I can't get away with not being on-site for at least one day.. also, the older kid day is self-started by the older kids and there is great energy there and it's where I feel drawn to lend my support. The All Ages Day is big and feels a bit unwieldy, and as we keep trying to grow more into unschooling, putting energy and effort into a class-oriented situation that *both* of my kids aren't into just doesn't feel right.)

The help I'm looking for is how to hold our family dynamics in an unschooling way- my two kids who want very different things, who are still healing from years of schooling and more conventional parenting and so the default reaction to opposing desires is often a digging in of heels...

On the one hand, I'm often feeling like our family revolves around my daughter's activities and desires to be OUT. Sometimes we just have to say- we can't do that because here's how it affects the other 3 people in the house- (me driving back and forth to town 3x in one day, each round-trip is one hour... or multiple days into town with drop offs and pick-ups which makes it difficult for the rest of us to plan anything... ) We try to say no only when we really can't make it work, and she will accept that, but I feel bad because it makes her so happy to be with her friends and be a part of this group. 

On the other hand, when we stay home to meet my son's needs for long chunks of time, it can feel like the rest of us (me and my daughter mostly.. my husband works out of town and often is gone 2-4 nights/week) are kind of biding our time. My offers to do things -  things both kids have mentioned they want to do- is often passed over, and then it's the 3 of us more or less doing our own things (movies/shows, house tasks, walking the dog, etc...), separately. 

I want to add that when I check in, both kids are happy. My daughter would like to live closer to town and her friends, but she doesn't want to go back to school (we've talked about this, because of how much she enjoys the co op and being around people). My son admits he gets a bit bored sometimes, but he's also quite happy, the frustration of having to drive places he doesn't want to go notwithstanding :) 

One of the best things I have learned and continue to practice through unschooling is to be with what is, to not rush in and try to fix things, to breathe and know there is plenty of time. To try one thing. So...these things I am doing. I recognize that we have not been unschooling long. That there is still much healing to do. But I thought it worth writing in to hear from other families who might resonate and have some experiences to share, or can help me see things differently, try things I haven't tried yet. 

Thanks! 








Kelly Callahan CCH 
Concentric Healing Classical Homeopathy

(207) 691-6798



Sandra Dodd

-=-Because it's a co-op, parents are expected to participate. Technically, kids cannot attend without parents. So, here is the dilemma. My daughter wants to go, and in order to support her and help make that happen, I need to participate. -=-

Get a babysitter for him
or pay him half of what the babysitter would have cost to go and play on the iPad and not complain.

Sandra

Sylvia Woodman

The co-op, if I understand correctly is two days out of seven.  That gives your son 5 days of long stretches of time to be home.  Is there something else that might be of interest to him "in town" that could be done either before or after co-op time?  My son Harry likes to stay home but when he can't, I try to "sweeten the deal" for him.  Is there a bakery with great doughnuts and wifi in town or a place to get pizza or frozen yogurt?  Maybe there is a gaming shop or comic book store that you could visit before returning home.  Something to let him know that you appreciate him helping to make this opportunity available to his sister and to acknowledge that this isn't his first choice of activity.

Also, are there other families who are facing this same issue where not all the kids want to do co-op things?  Could your contribution be hanging out with the siblings who would rather be home?

Warmly,

Sylvia

On Mon, Feb 22, 2016 at 3:25 PM, Sandra Dodd Sandra@... [AlwaysLearning] <[email protected]> wrote:
 

-=-Because it's a co-op, parents are expected to participate. Technically, kids cannot attend without parents. So, here is the dilemma. My daughter wants to go, and in order to support her and help make that happen, I need to participate. -=-

Get a babysitter for him
or pay him half of what the babysitter would have cost to go and play on the iPad and not complain.

Sandra