Nada

I have a bit of a conundrum. I have a 5yo daughter who has long beautiful hair. She loves her long hair and wants it to stay down all the time. But she hates to brush or wash it.

It's wavy hair and dreads in the back overnight. I am not exaggerating. It's amazing how fast it goes from nice to knots. She doesn't want to brush it, cut it, wash it, pull it back or anything.

Now I'm not at all opposed to her having dreadlocks. If she wanted to grow dreads I'd be happy to help her do it. And if she wanted to cut it, grow it to the floor, dye it (with safe products) whatever color she likes, I'm all for it. Seriously, nothing she could do to it would phase me. But she doesn't want to do anything with it at all. She just wants it to be long and loose forever. And that's fine, but it dreads so darn fast!!! And she keeps saying she doesn't want the dreadlocks and I keep reminding her that if that's the case, she needs to be brushing it or it will get snarled up. Then she finally does want to brush it and it's a sobbing catastrophe and she's in horrible pain as I tear through those dreadlocks. It's horrible.

I seriously am fine with her leaving it to go dreads or doing something else to it. Heck, I'd be fine with her only brushing it once in a blue moon if it wasn't for how fast her hair knots up. It's her hair and I am not opposed to anything she wants to do with it. But I can't seem to impress upon her that if she doesn't brush it at least once every other day or so, it will just end up with massive dreads and be a nightmare of pain for her and I both to brush out.

Sandra Dodd

-=-Then she finally does want to brush it and it's a sobbing catastrophe and she's in horrible pain as I tear through those dreadlocks. It's horrible.-=-

Don’t tear through them.
Don’t think of tearing through them.
Don’t defend the use of “tear through them.”

I have a couple of ideas, and others here might have more ideas.
Take her to a salon, get it brushed out, dress her up right then and take her for a photo shoot. Maybe fantasy princess photo shoot.

Trade her something to get a haircut, maybe. She can admire the photos for years, as her hair grows back as she’s older and can take care of it herself later.


Here’s a page to make people feel better about paying a child to do something:
http://sandradodd.com/bribery

There is a six-year-old girl in my life these days. Kirby’s fiancee’s daughter. She had waist-length blonde, curly, tangly hair and didn’t like to have it brushed, combed or braided. She would accept one high pony tail, but that was all.

Her mom persuaded her to go to a salon and have it brushed and thinned out. She came back with it shoulder length, and she was really happy with it. I don’t know what was said by the hairdresser, but something happened quickly. There are lots of snapshots and a school photo from kindergarten, but if your child’s not in school you will need to find a photographer to do a portrait if you want to “save it.”

Others might have other ideas.

I’m assuming you’ve used de-tangling spray.

I’ve had long hair most of my life, but mine’s not easily tangled. Still, someone who’s not experienced at taking care of long hair can be contributing to the mess they think is natural. Detangler, and starting at the bottom and working up very, very gradually is the only way to do it efficiently. It’s possible that you’re rushing or starting too high or in too great a distance if you’re moving up. Otherwise “tear through” might not have been in your thoughts.

Sandra

Alex & Brian Polikowsky

What Sandra said about working from the bottom up and detagler.
Plus find a brush called Wet Brush ! It is miraculous!

Big knots work then out by opening them up gently with your fingers. Like you wild be pulling apart some dough or bread. 
Gently little by little in the big knots .

Then I would offer a bath and put a lot of conditioner ( or you can use a detagler if she does not want a bath ) and then use the Wet Brush !

Alex P

Sent from my iPhone

On Dec 8, 2015, at 6:52 PM, Sandra Dodd Sandra@... [AlwaysLearning] <[email protected]> wrote:

 

-=-Then she finally does want to brush it and it's a sobbing catastrophe and she's in horrible pain as I tear through those dreadlocks. It's horrible.-=-

Don’t tear through them.
Don’t think of tearing through them.
Don’t defend the use of “tear through them.”

I have a couple of ideas, and others here might have more ideas.
Take her to a salon, get it brushed out, dress her up right then and take her for a photo shoot. Maybe fantasy princess photo shoot.

Trade her something to get a haircut, maybe. She can admire the photos for years, as her hair grows back as she’s older and can take care of it herself later.

Here’s a page to make people feel better about paying a child to do something:
http://sandradodd.com/bribery

There is a six-year-old girl in my life these days. Kirby’s fiancee’s daughter. She had waist-length blonde, curly, tangly hair and didn’t like to have it brushed, combed or braided. She would accept one high pony tail, but that was all.

Her mom persuaded her to go to a salon and have it brushed and thinned out. She came back with it shoulder length, and she was really happy with it. I don’t know what was said by the hairdresser, but something happened quickly. There are lots of snapshots and a school photo from kindergarten, but if your child’s not in school you will need to find a photographer to do a portrait if you want to “save it.”

Others might have other ideas.

I’m assuming you’ve used de-tangling spray.

I’ve had long hair most of my life, but mine’s not easily tangled. Still, someone who’s not experienced at taking care of long hair can be contributing to the mess they think is natural. Detangler, and starting at the bottom and working up very, very gradually is the only way to do it efficiently. It’s possible that you’re rushing or starting too high or in too great a distance if you’re moving up. Otherwise “tear through” might not have been in your thoughts.

Sandra

April Coburn

When my son was younger he loved his long hair, but hated to have it brushed or combed, and would never do it himself. We developed a strategy of using lots of conditioner to wash, and we always had a bottle of detangle spray. I would comb his hair while he was occupied with something so it didn't feel like an ordeal to him. If there  were lots of knots, or the occasional bird's nest, I would use the detangler and gently work my way up his hair from the bottom. Sometimes this took two or three attempts. Over time he came to realize that if his hair was combed every day, it didn't get as tangled and was a lot faster to comb. Then he would remind me to comb it. 

April

On Tue, Dec 8, 2015 at 7:52 PM, Sandra Dodd Sandra@... [AlwaysLearning] <[email protected]> wrote:
 

-=-Then she finally does want to brush it and it's a sobbing catastrophe and she's in horrible pain as I tear through those dreadlocks. It's horrible.-=-

Don’t tear through them.
Don’t think of tearing through them.
Don’t defend the use of “tear through them.”

I have a couple of ideas, and others here might have more ideas.
Take her to a salon, get it brushed out, dress her up right then and take her for a photo shoot. Maybe fantasy princess photo shoot.

Trade her something to get a haircut, maybe. She can admire the photos for years, as her hair grows back as she’s older and can take care of it herself later.

Here’s a page to make people feel better about paying a child to do something:
http://sandradodd.com/bribery

There is a six-year-old girl in my life these days. Kirby’s fiancee’s daughter. She had waist-length blonde, curly, tangly hair and didn’t like to have it brushed, combed or braided. She would accept one high pony tail, but that was all.

Her mom persuaded her to go to a salon and have it brushed and thinned out. She came back with it shoulder length, and she was really happy with it. I don’t know what was said by the hairdresser, but something happened quickly. There are lots of snapshots and a school photo from kindergarten, but if your child’s not in school you will need to find a photographer to do a portrait if you want to “save it.”

Others might have other ideas.

I’m assuming you’ve used de-tangling spray.

I’ve had long hair most of my life, but mine’s not easily tangled. Still, someone who’s not experienced at taking care of long hair can be contributing to the mess they think is natural. Detangler, and starting at the bottom and working up very, very gradually is the only way to do it efficiently. It’s possible that you’re rushing or starting too high or in too great a distance if you’re moving up. Otherwise “tear through” might not have been in your thoughts.

Sandra


Clare Kirkpatrick

It shouldn't need to be painful. A good film on the tv, something nice to eat and drink, a ton of detangling spray and a comb. Work on tiny sections from the bottom up, spraying on each knot as you go. Make it pleasant and a chance to connect. I wouldn't want to brush my hair if doing so was always associated with pain and tears. So don't let it be associated with pain and tears any more. Build up trust. Take your time. It is definitely possible to brush tangled hair without pain and tears.

Clare (mother of four long-haired daughters ;) )

Steph Selby

I have a curly girl like that, she's 9 now. She has a very sensitive head. Sometimes she asks me to comb through it, others she has a matted dread in the back that can take an hour or so to comb through. I throw it into a pony tail when it matters. While detangling, I've named the tangles, as if they are throwing a party and other tangles have come to visit, as I go through them. And I make up stories as we go, esp when I hit a really hard tangle. I've learned that in the bath is best with a good amount of conditioner and I pull out the pieces that have made it into the mat that are easy to guide out first. The sun really helps me see what is going on, because the tangles that occur from the night are usually just wound up pieces that can be pulled out from the center of the tangle, rather than pulling down, ie grab a few hairs from the mass and they usually free and lessen the mass as a whole. Having her hair thinned is the best thing in the world for us, it doesn't solve the problem, but makes it so much more manageable. 

Steph

On Tue, Dec 8, 2015 at 8:04 PM, Alex & Brian Polikowsky polykowholsteins@... [AlwaysLearning] <[email protected]> wrote:
 

What Sandra said about working from the bottom up and detagler.
Plus find a brush called Wet Brush ! It is miraculous!

Big knots work then out by opening them up gently with your fingers. Like you wild be pulling apart some dough or bread. 
Gently little by little in the big knots .

Then I would offer a bath and put a lot of conditioner ( or you can use a detagler if she does not want a bath ) and then use the Wet Brush !

Alex P

Sent from my iPhone

On Dec 8, 2015, at 6:52 PM, Sandra Dodd Sandra@... [AlwaysLearning] <[email protected]> wrote:

 

-=-Then she finally does want to brush it and it's a sobbing catastrophe and she's in horrible pain as I tear through those dreadlocks. It's horrible.-=-

Don’t tear through them.
Don’t think of tearing through them.
Don’t defend the use of “tear through them.”

I have a couple of ideas, and others here might have more ideas.
Take her to a salon, get it brushed out, dress her up right then and take her for a photo shoot. Maybe fantasy princess photo shoot.

Trade her something to get a haircut, maybe. She can admire the photos for years, as her hair grows back as she’s older and can take care of it herself later.

Here’s a page to make people feel better about paying a child to do something:
http://sandradodd.com/bribery

There is a six-year-old girl in my life these days. Kirby’s fiancee’s daughter. She had waist-length blonde, curly, tangly hair and didn’t like to have it brushed, combed or braided. She would accept one high pony tail, but that was all.

Her mom persuaded her to go to a salon and have it brushed and thinned out. She came back with it shoulder length, and she was really happy with it. I don’t know what was said by the hairdresser, but something happened quickly. There are lots of snapshots and a school photo from kindergarten, but if your child’s not in school you will need to find a photographer to do a portrait if you want to “save it.”

Others might have other ideas.

I’m assuming you’ve used de-tangling spray.

I’ve had long hair most of my life, but mine’s not easily tangled. Still, someone who’s not experienced at taking care of long hair can be contributing to the mess they think is natural. Detangler, and starting at the bottom and working up very, very gradually is the only way to do it efficiently. It’s possible that you’re rushing or starting too high or in too great a distance if you’re moving up. Otherwise “tear through” might not have been in your thoughts.

Sandra


Kirsty Harriman

Our second eldest daughter has long thick wavy hair. It's probe to dreadlocks. She is 8 now. She prefers to let it stay knotty and unruly rather than have me brush out the knots. When we need to though if she's going somewhere that requires neat hair of she's got as dance performance and I need to get it up into a bun then what I have found always works is washing and conditioning (lots of that) and comb it when wet and it's easy. These days I don't try to get a brush through it dry as it's too hard for everyone. This also works for my other two daughters. It sounds obvious and it is but it's the only "method" that is stress and pain free. And we haven't cut their hair beyond basic trims so we can do ballet buns.


Sent from my Samsung GALAXY Note3 on the Telstra Mobile network


-------- Original message --------
From: "Sandra Dodd Sandra@... [AlwaysLearning]" <[email protected]>
Date:09/12/2015 10:52 AM (GMT+10:00)
Cc:
Subject: Re: [AlwaysLearning] 5 Year Old's Hair

 

-=-Then she finally does want to brush it and it's a sobbing catastrophe and she's in horrible pain as I tear through those dreadlocks. It's horrible.-=-

Don’t tear through them.
Don’t think of tearing through them.
Don’t defend the use of “tear through them.”

I have a couple of ideas, and others here might have more ideas.
Take her to a salon, get it brushed out, dress her up right then and take her for a photo shoot. Maybe fantasy princess photo shoot.

Trade her something to get a haircut, maybe. She can admire the photos for years, as her hair grows back as she’s older and can take care of it herself later.

Here’s a page to make people feel better about paying a child to do something:
http://sandradodd.com/bribery

There is a six-year-old girl in my life these days. Kirby’s fiancee’s daughter. She had waist-length blonde, curly, tangly hair and didn’t like to have it brushed, combed or braided. She would accept one high pony tail, but that was all.

Her mom persuaded her to go to a salon and have it brushed and thinned out. She came back with it shoulder length, and she was really happy with it. I don’t know what was said by the hairdresser, but something happened quickly. There are lots of snapshots and a school photo from kindergarten, but if your child’s not in school you will need to find a photographer to do a portrait if you want to “save it.”

Others might have other ideas.

I’m assuming you’ve used de-tangling spray.

I’ve had long hair most of my life, but mine’s not easily tangled. Still, someone who’s not experienced at taking care of long hair can be contributing to the mess they think is natural. Detangler, and starting at the bottom and working up very, very gradually is the only way to do it efficiently. It’s possible that you’re rushing or starting too high or in too great a distance if you’re moving up. Otherwise “tear through” might not have been in your thoughts.

Sandra

Jennifer Mills

I have an extra tip to lessen the problem - a silk pillow! My daughter is 4 and has curly below shoulder hair that tangles overnight and this has definitely helped. 

We try to brush/comb through about once a week when wet and that is just about enough to stay on top of the matting without making bathtime stressful. My daughter tells me when to stop combing and I stop - we start again when she is ready. I am being the hair brusher I wish I had :-)

I did some research on taking care of curly hair and a lot of people seem to say avoiding sulfate shampoo helps avoid the frizz that starts the tangle. You can skip shampoo altogether if the conditioner doesn't leave a buildup. I very rarely use shampoo on my daughters hair but lots of silicon free conditioner (the silicon gives a buildup that has to be washed off). 

blow drying might help smooth the hair if your daughter wanted to try - my daughter loves the hairdryer!

As others have said - trimming or thinning the hair really helps my daughters hair. Also maybe a plait at night if your daughter would go for that. 

Jennie Graham 

lizzylynn27@...

That was me when I was young! And part of the reason that I hated brushing was that my mom always pulled when she brushed. Like others have said extra conditioner (don't rinse it out too well), comb when wet , de tangling spray ( coconut oil or baby oil if needed) and losing knots up , working from the bottom are all essential. Maybe even more importantly is that if you hold the hair above the knot you can prevent any pulling on the roots at all, then it doesn't hurt at all either! Over time I did take more interest in combing out my hair, learning what helps, and eventually did all the above daily. I'd let her try the above with your help if she wants it and if it's still knotting up, let it be, use buns if you need to make it look neater till she wants to change her approach, or not. I have waist long dreads ( for the last 6 years) cause I like the way they look and cause I don't like brushing and keeping my hair from half dreading all the time.

Julie

Tue Dec 8, 2015 4:41 pm (PST) . Posted by:

"Nada" minimomist

---__But I can't seem to impress upon her that if she doesn't brush it at least once every other day or so, it will just end up with massive dreads and be a nightmare of pain for her and I both to brush out.--__

 

 

I have a soon to be 8 year old that has decided to have long, unruly hair (it’s common, I think, as I rarely see girls in this age with neat, smooth hair. Even pony tales have bad knots in them!)

 

Our solution to the problem is to have her shower and put lots of conditioner in it. She then combs out the knots in the shower. She won’t let me near her hair.  When her hair starts to get really bad, she showers.  A few weeks ago her hair was nice and smooth for a few days in a row. I was very hopeful that that trend would continue, but I’m not surprised that it didn’t. To keep it from dreading, she needs to brush it well every morning, afternoon and night..  If I was 7.5, I wouldn’t want to waste  my time on  my hair either.    I mean, I still don’t waste time on my hair, but I’m fortunately to not knot up.

 

If you braid it at night it keeps the knots out, and we did that for a while, but she prefers to have it down. You could try to get her to use a silk pillow case. I bought one but mine daughter refuses to use it.

 

They also have spray conditioner that works better than detangler.  But I think the least painful way to deal with the knots is with conditioner in the shower. 

 

I’ve heard that the hair texture starts changing a bit at 9 and the knots won’t be as bad. I’m hoping time solves the issue. Meanwhile, if we are going somewhere with her grandmother and she needs to  have groomed hair, we shower beforehand. That’s the only solution we’ve come up with that is sustainable with no tears.

 

Julie

 

 

 

Sandra Dodd

I like this point:
-=-I am being the hair brusher I wish I had :-)-=-

And someone said to hold the hair above. YES!
I forget some people don’t know that. Don’t pull on the person’s roots on their scalp. Hold the hair above the knots with one hand and comb or brush GENTLY, gradually, with the other.

Different people’s hair is different ways, and people live in different environments. If you live in a dry place with lots of static electricity, or if the hair is better served by it, use a comb with teeth far apart, and dip it in water every little while. Some people’s hair is worse if they comb it before it’s dry. Some not. For some, a brush makes it worse and a comb is better until the tangles are out, and then a brush (dipped in water occasionally) might be better.

My oldest boy had waist-length hair when he was young, but at it wasn’t curly. There were tangles sometimes, but Johnsons No-More-Tears detangler spray worked for us. The other two liked shorter hair, and Holly had times when she had parts of her head shaved (her designs, my hesitant cooperation). Marty went two years shaved bald (and making me do it for him).

http://sandradodd.com/hollyhair has pictures of several hairdos Holly had years back. It’s missing the green my-little-pony hair photo. I need to add that next time I come across it.

Currently, she has dreads, and for work she twists it up into a bun.

Sorry to kind of change the subject in this direction, but there’s a slight possibility those photos would inspire a haircut, and by the time it got longer she could take care of it herself, perhaps.

Sandra

Sarah Thompson

My older son has flowing, fine hair, and it got to the point where it was in serious castaway territory! He would let me take him to the salon for an occasional brushing, followed by ice cream. Ultimately his Nana, who was upset by it, sort of accosted me about it. I said she was welcome to take him for a haircut if he consented, and suggested she make it worth his while:)

She did, and that started his routine of getting haircuts and ice cream with grandmothers. Now he'll let me take him, as long as their is ice cream in the deal. He loves to chat with the stylists!

Sarah

Shira Rocklin

My daughters hair sounds similar though it wasn't as long.  I think I learned here about these hairbrushes that detangle and don't pull at knots. A different brand but this is the same idea. It has various lengths of bristle and goes through hair so much more smoothly. 

The other thing for my daughter was one time I casually asked if we could braid her hair in two side braids at night. We quickly figured out that the dreads were occuring at the back of her head from rubbing on the pillow. The braids were very comfy to sleep on too.  In the mornings we would brush them out. After a while she asked me to rebraid every morning and now she chooses to wear them all the time to keep brushing at its easiest. Even having her hair down during the day makes it very tangled, so she saves that for special occasions.

I'm not saying your daughter will want to do these things, just that there may be some options that haven't come up yet.  Even just two low side ponies at night might be enough for her hair.  My roommate at college had hair past her bum. She would twist it up into a super high bun on top of her head every night to sleep. 

Oh also, a bottle of 50/50 water/apple cider vinegar on my hair, even without having shampood it works like conditioner and makes my hair easier to brush. 

Shira 


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Shira Rocklin
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Kay Barkley

It's hard, I know. Our 4 year old little boy has long curly hair which matts and he doesn't want it brushed. I try when he agrees to put lots and lots of conditioner on in the bath (a rare occurrence) and rinse it off. This takes some games and distraction. He plays being a diver lying on his back and eventually it washes out or if it doesn't then it's not the end of the world for us. When he's gone to sleep I then tease out the knots with my fingers. It is a laborious task often at the dead of night as he is stays up quite late but it manages it.


Kay

Deb Lewis

***Trade her something to get a haircut, maybe***

And if she's willing to bargain, but really doesn't want to cut it, maybe
the trade can be for letting you untangle and braid it at night.

Deb Lewis

heatherpie@...

=Then she finally does want to brush it and it's a sobbing catastrophe and she's in horrible pain as I tear through those dreadlocks. It's horrible.=

I had dreadlocks for many years and when I was ready to not have dreadlocks I combed them all out. There was no tearing through them and there was most certainly no horrible pain. Get a sturdy comb; you can find them at beauty supply stores or salons. Not a flimsy one. One that is a hard non-bendy plastic as it will be easier to get through knots. Where ever there is a knot massage de-tangler into it and let it sit while you gently brush the rest of her hair from the bottom up. When you get to the knot gently pull it apart; there should be no ripping or tearing or pain when you do this because the de-tangler has helped loosen things up. Then start at the bottom and work your way up the knot slowly. I combed out a whole head of dreads this way with no pain. 

When I first started looking at combing my dreads out I looked on YouTube for videos about brushing out dreads and found the most helpful ones to be from moms showing other moms how to brush ethnic hair without pain. They had really good tips for how to make the process something that wasn't painful for the child or a hassle for the parent. It's worth a look there.

Maybe she'd be willing to have her hair brushed more often if it wasn't a catastrophe. Let her know you got some really good ideas on how to brush her hair with out pain here and you'd like to try them. And then work very hard not to cause her pain while brushing it when she's ready.

=She just wants it to be long and loose forever. And that's fine, but it dreads so darn fast!!!=

Can you put her hair in a lose braid at night to help with the tangles that come from sleeping on it?

Heather


  
   

Karen Whitehead Kuntz

I have two 8yr girls who don't like to have their hair brushed. Their hair is waist length and neither wants to cut it. We decided last year that we would try braiding. My girls now wear their hair in braids for a week and then once a week we wash with lots of conditioner. When they are out of the tub/shower, we turn on a movie and one at a time they sit on my lap while I brush it and put it back into braids. This seems to be working well for us.  Maybe because they know it is only once a week, maybe because they get distracted by the movie or maybe because I do it really slowly over an hour and try not to hurt them at all.  It does get knotty near their scalp from sleeping but we live with that until the week is up. Sometimes I do rebraid during the week to tidy it up but I never brush it. 
I have long hair too and brush my hair every day. It doesn't seem to hurt me the way it hurts them. Maybe we get used to it over the years or maybe our scalp toughens up but at 8yrs old, they just don't worry yet about it. 
Karen

Sent from my iPhone

jsearthmom@...

Curly/wavy hair is not like most other hair types and shouldn't (can't) be brushed when dry. It damages the hair and it hurts a lot.

I can only get my fingers thru my hair when it's wet and with conditioner or just rinsed out.

My hair gets really knotty over a few days but in the shower I can easily work out all the knots with patience.

And I second the wet brush if it must be brushed when dry.

Trisha F

Brushing in the tub, with lots of conditioner and a brush called a wet brush is all that worked for us for a while. Now we sit in front of the TV with a good movie or YouTube series and I very slowly and gently brush. I keep a spray bottle with water and conditioner and soak her hair as I brush. I figure I can't keep it completely pain free but I can do my very best to be exceptionally gentle and slow and loving. We talk about what works and doesn't as I go and she knows that any time she says stop I will.

On Dec 8, 2015 7:41 PM, "Nada nada.sheppard@... [AlwaysLearning]" <[email protected]> wrote:
 

I have a bit of a conundrum. I have a 5yo daughter who has long beautiful hair. She loves her long hair and wants it to stay down all the time. But she hates to brush or wash it.

It's wavy hair and dreads in the back overnight. I am not exaggerating. It's amazing how fast it goes from nice to knots. She doesn't want to brush it, cut it, wash it, pull it back or anything.

Now I'm not at all opposed to her having dreadlocks. If she wanted to grow dreads I'd be happy to help her do it. And if she wanted to cut it, grow it to the floor, dye it (with safe products) whatever color she likes, I'm all for it. Seriously, nothing she could do to it would phase me. But she doesn't want to do anything with it at all. She just wants it to be long and loose forever. And that's fine, but it dreads so darn fast!!! And she keeps saying she doesn't want the dreadlocks and I keep reminding her that if that's the case, she needs to be brushing it or it will get snarled up. Then she finally does want to brush it and it's a sobbing catastrophe and she's in horrible pain as I tear through those dreadlocks. It's horrible.

I seriously am fine with her leaving it to go dreads or doing something else to it. Heck, I'd be fine with her only brushing it once in a blue moon if it wasn't for how fast her hair knots up. It's her hair and I am not opposed to anything she wants to do with it. But I can't seem to impress upon her that if she doesn't brush it at least once every other day or so, it will just end up with massive dreads and be a nightmare of pain for her and I both to brush out.

wheatley.robinl@...

My 7 year old daughter's hair is exactly like that!  We finally came to a compromise - she will let me put it in one or two long braids at night.  This completely eliminates the bird's nest the next morning and she can brush it out herself.  She still cries sometimes at night when I brush it to get it into the braid, but it's nowhere near as bad as it used to be.  Sometimes she wears the braid all the next day, although she likes to wear it long if we're going somewhere that she wants to look pretty.

Kay Barkley

I would like to review a couple of words I used. I said "It's hard". It isn't, it's just something we do to help our little boy. Also "laborious" maybe implies discontent but again there is none as the outcome only enhances all our lives.
Kay

cpkilgour@...

My oldest son's hair knots very quickly and he doesn't like it being touched.  Before he got it cut I would brush it once a week when we went to church.  I never got all the knots out and tried to be as gentle as possible, stopping when ever I was asked to.  My main aim became making the top layer look brushed and knot free.

What sticks in my memory from that part of our journey together is that other people on the whole were not aware of the discussions we had at home regarding our boys' hair and thought the boys hair looked good.  The things that seemed obvious to us as parents were not noticed by others.  

It took a long time for my husband to relax about their hair, I am sorry for him that it caused him so much distress for as long as it did.

Bernadette Lynn



"When we need to though if she's going somewhere that requires neat hair "

It's especially important not to leave it until the last minute, if you're going somewhere.

If my daughter needs neat hair for something I now sort her hair out the day before, or maybe in the morning if the event is late in the day. It can take hours to do it gently, so make sure you have hours. Frantically brushing badly matted hair when you have only a few minutes to get out of the house is a recipe for misery, for you and your child.

Bernadette. _, 

Sarah Thompson

This subject is close to my heart. As I'm reading these, I wonder what qualifies as "neat hair," if it is universal, and if any situation truly requires it. My thoughts were always "if a child isn't in charge of his own hair, what *is* he in charge of?" I did and do my best to help my kids be presentable in public and dressed respectfully, but I also think that, unless there is a traumatic disruption caused by their appearance, it's not something to obsess over.

When Wallace was 5, his hair really got to a "cat-dragged-in" kind of place, but it was *extremely* important to him to be the one to decide when and where anyone else got to touch him, as it is to me, and hair is part of his body. I would smooth it with water as best I could, and tuck it if he'd let me, but his wild hair was part of his identity and I honored that. Now he is a little chagrined at those old pictures, but I'm glad I held my tongue and defended him to others before he was ready to let anyone mess with it.

Sarah