Ages of Freedoms
nada.sheppard@...
When they're babies and early toddlers, it's pretty much necessary to make decisions for our children ("No, you can't touch that hot cup of tea", "Yes, you can have cheerios for lunch", "Oh, you're getting pretty fussy. Do you think its time for bed?"). At what age do you begin relinquishing those decisions to the child? Are there signs you can watch for or see that indicate your child is able to self-regulate?
Clare Kirkpatrick
If you're close with your children, it's obvious when they're ready for doing certain things safely. Don't see it as 'relinquishing decisions', though. We're always guiding our children, however old they are. I wouldn't ever say to a toddler 'no, you can't touch that hot cup of tea', I would simply drink it where it safe to do so. I still say to my older children 'you're looking tired, sweetie. Do you fancy an early night?' Looking for signs that a child is 'ready to self-regulate' is a red herring. Pay attention to your children and make decisions in each moment according to what makes the most sense at the time - what creates the most joy, the best situation for learning, the deepest connection.
A page of Sandra's on self-regulation: http://sandradodd.com/self-regulation
On 3 Dec 2015 13:18, "nada.sheppard@... [AlwaysLearning]" <[email protected]> wrote:When they're babies and early toddlers, it's pretty much necessary to make decisions for our children ("No, you can't touch that hot cup of tea", "Yes, you can have cheerios for lunch", "Oh, you're getting pretty fussy. Do you think its time for bed?"). At what age do you begin relinquishing those decisions to the child? Are there signs you can watch for or see that indicate your child is able to self-regulate?
Sandra Dodd
It would be really helpful for you to subscribe to Pam Laricchia’s introduction to unschooling series. These questions are of a foundational nature—if you see unschooling described from a clear and organized viewpoint, you won’t be pondering an awkward vision of it.
-=-Ages of Freedoms-=-
Don’t go by ages.
Don’t think about “freedoms.”
That answer might seem frustrating, but Pam’s introduction is NOT frustrating.
http://livingjoyfully.ca/newsletter/
Sandra
-=-Ages of Freedoms-=-
Don’t go by ages.
Don’t think about “freedoms.”
That answer might seem frustrating, but Pam’s introduction is NOT frustrating.
http://livingjoyfully.ca/newsletter/
Sandra
Sandra Dodd
-=-When they're babies and early toddlers, it's pretty much necessary to make decisions for our children ("No, you can't touch that hot cup of tea", "Yes, you can have cheerios for lunch", "Oh, you're getting pretty fussy. Do you think its time for bed?"). -=-
A child doesn’t want to “touch a hot cup of tea.” He wants to learn. Give him something he CAN touch, if he’s curious. Or let him touch it lightly to see what “hot” means. Saying “No, you can’t touch that hot cup of tea” would be way too many words.
-=-"Yes, you can have cheerios for lunch”-=-
It might help to let go of the idea of “lunch.” Does he want cheerios? Did he say so? Will it hurt to let him have some? Maybe he just wants a few dry. Maybe he wants a bowl with milk, but does it need to be “lunch sized”? Let it be a snack, and if he wants something else in an hour, say yes again with generosity and love.
-=-"Oh, you're getting pretty fussy. Do you think its time for bed?"). -=-
I hope that’s an example for us and not something said to a child.
I remember many times when I took a “fussy” child” for a walk outside, in a backpack baby-carrier we had—walking slowly in the dark, talking so he could feel my voice if he put my head down. I took one of them for car rides sometimes, and he would fall asleep. I rocked all of them to sleep, many times, talking in a low, slow voice about thing he or she would be interested in—not “you’re fussy” or “time for bed,” but a review of the day, or telling them about when they were babies.
If things aren’t peaceful, insert more peace. “Fussy” and “time for bed” don’t sound like peace.
Sandra
A child doesn’t want to “touch a hot cup of tea.” He wants to learn. Give him something he CAN touch, if he’s curious. Or let him touch it lightly to see what “hot” means. Saying “No, you can’t touch that hot cup of tea” would be way too many words.
-=-"Yes, you can have cheerios for lunch”-=-
It might help to let go of the idea of “lunch.” Does he want cheerios? Did he say so? Will it hurt to let him have some? Maybe he just wants a few dry. Maybe he wants a bowl with milk, but does it need to be “lunch sized”? Let it be a snack, and if he wants something else in an hour, say yes again with generosity and love.
-=-"Oh, you're getting pretty fussy. Do you think its time for bed?"). -=-
I hope that’s an example for us and not something said to a child.
I remember many times when I took a “fussy” child” for a walk outside, in a backpack baby-carrier we had—walking slowly in the dark, talking so he could feel my voice if he put my head down. I took one of them for car rides sometimes, and he would fall asleep. I rocked all of them to sleep, many times, talking in a low, slow voice about thing he or she would be interested in—not “you’re fussy” or “time for bed,” but a review of the day, or telling them about when they were babies.
If things aren’t peaceful, insert more peace. “Fussy” and “time for bed” don’t sound like peace.
Sandra
Sandra Dodd
-=-At what age do you begin relinquishing those decisions to the child? Are there signs you can watch for or see that indicate your child is able to self-regulate?-=-
Although I’m disassembling these questions, they’re good questions. But they’re good questions to look at as evidence of a lack of partnership with the child. If you change to your child’s partner, the questions will dissolve. The way they’re asked, it seems the mom controls and limits the child, until one day she stops and he must control and limit himself.
After a few weeks (when you’ve read Pam Laricchia’s intro, which takes a few weeks of short e-mails coming every few days, with things to try and consider), go to http://sandradodd.com/search and put in “control” and read some things. Use the bottom search box, which includes several sites.
Then search “self-regulate.” It’s not a good goal to have for a child, nor for a parent.
Then look at “choices.” Your life will get easier. :-)
-=-At what age do you begin relinquishing those decisions to the child? -=-
If you don’t think of them as “decisions,” you have nothing to relinquish.
I began considering my child’s preferences the day he was born. I tried to see if he was comfortable, and I did what seemed to make him more comfortable. When I had a second child, and a third, I was more practiced at what might help, and at seeing what the baby was trying to communicate.
-=-Are there signs you can watch for or see that indicate your child is able to self-regulate?-=-
There are signs you can watch for and see that indicate what your child wants, and as his adult partner you can help him get those. Warmer or colder? More comfortable clothes? Shoes he likes? Food he likes, in easy-to-use containters? A chair he can get in and out of? Music or videos that make him smile and dance? Look for those signs, and be his partner and provider. Be with him.
http://sandradodd.com/being
It’s easy to hear or read “be with your child” and think “yeah, we’re right here in the same room,” but there can be a huge distance between a mom and a child she’s holding, depending on her thoughts and his fears or frustrations, needs or desires.
Being (deep) WITH him (close and attentive) is just as available, and only takes a change of thoughts.
Sandra
Although I’m disassembling these questions, they’re good questions. But they’re good questions to look at as evidence of a lack of partnership with the child. If you change to your child’s partner, the questions will dissolve. The way they’re asked, it seems the mom controls and limits the child, until one day she stops and he must control and limit himself.
After a few weeks (when you’ve read Pam Laricchia’s intro, which takes a few weeks of short e-mails coming every few days, with things to try and consider), go to http://sandradodd.com/search and put in “control” and read some things. Use the bottom search box, which includes several sites.
Then search “self-regulate.” It’s not a good goal to have for a child, nor for a parent.
Then look at “choices.” Your life will get easier. :-)
-=-At what age do you begin relinquishing those decisions to the child? -=-
If you don’t think of them as “decisions,” you have nothing to relinquish.
I began considering my child’s preferences the day he was born. I tried to see if he was comfortable, and I did what seemed to make him more comfortable. When I had a second child, and a third, I was more practiced at what might help, and at seeing what the baby was trying to communicate.
-=-Are there signs you can watch for or see that indicate your child is able to self-regulate?-=-
There are signs you can watch for and see that indicate what your child wants, and as his adult partner you can help him get those. Warmer or colder? More comfortable clothes? Shoes he likes? Food he likes, in easy-to-use containters? A chair he can get in and out of? Music or videos that make him smile and dance? Look for those signs, and be his partner and provider. Be with him.
http://sandradodd.com/being
It’s easy to hear or read “be with your child” and think “yeah, we’re right here in the same room,” but there can be a huge distance between a mom and a child she’s holding, depending on her thoughts and his fears or frustrations, needs or desires.
Being (deep) WITH him (close and attentive) is just as available, and only takes a change of thoughts.
Sandra
Joyce Fetteroll
> On Dec 3, 2015, at 1:31 AM, nada.sheppard@... [AlwaysLearning] <[email protected]> wrote:Seeing the early years as time to make decisions for them is what's confusing you.
>
> it's pretty much necessary to make decisions for our children
> ("No, you can't touch that hot cup of tea", "Yes, you can have
> cheerios for lunch", "Oh, you're getting pretty fussy. Do you
> think its time for bed?")
It's clearer to see it as lending a child your brain. Be there to be what they need to be but can't yet be.
It's not about making the right decisions for them until they can make those same choices for themselves. It's helping the child safely, do-ably, respectful-of-others-ly explore what interests them.
It's not "No, you can't touch ..." it's "Oops! Hot!" or "Breakable!" and then removing it from the child's reach or vision. IT's giving them information about the world. It's being kind to remove from their sight interesting things that you don't want touched.
IT's creating a *safe* environment where they can try out their ideas, see what happens, adjust, try some more. That way they *grow* their own understanding of the world. Rather than memorizing yours.
The world is good at giving feedback! As are parents and other people. "No, your sister needs to feel safe. Try this instead." Kids can't come up with a goofy understanding of the world if they have good feedback. Their understanding of what is right and good won't be the same as yours. But it won't be unworkable.
Don't look for self regulation. That's just code for "making the choices for themselves that I would make for them." Look for thoughtfulness. Look for repeated success. The goal isn't to set them free. It's to ease back on where they don't need a safety net anymore.
Joyce
Sandra Dodd
Joyce wrote:
-=-The goal isn't to set them free. It's to ease back on where they don't need a safety net anymore.-=-
From a page I have on collected quotes and notes about “freedom,” Karen James:
-=-Living in the world peacefully and respectfully are good places to begin to focus when new to unschooing. The best advice I was given was to look at my son. Not at ideals. Not at freedom. Not at school or no school. Not at labels. Not at big ideas. Look at my son. Be with him. Get to know him deeply. And, then to read a bit about unschooling. Give something new a try. See how it goes in the context of our real day to day life. I still do that. I'm still learning.-=-
“Freedom” isn’t a good goal.
Options and choices are good. Gentle attention is wonderful.
Once a mom had written:
"Unschooling is freedom."
"I have always told her she does not have to do anything she does not want to do.”
Neither of those statements will help anyone understand unschooling better. Neither belief is true.
More thoughts about freedom and unschooling:
http://sandradodd.com/freedom/
Sandra
-=-The goal isn't to set them free. It's to ease back on where they don't need a safety net anymore.-=-
From a page I have on collected quotes and notes about “freedom,” Karen James:
-=-Living in the world peacefully and respectfully are good places to begin to focus when new to unschooing. The best advice I was given was to look at my son. Not at ideals. Not at freedom. Not at school or no school. Not at labels. Not at big ideas. Look at my son. Be with him. Get to know him deeply. And, then to read a bit about unschooling. Give something new a try. See how it goes in the context of our real day to day life. I still do that. I'm still learning.-=-
“Freedom” isn’t a good goal.
Options and choices are good. Gentle attention is wonderful.
Once a mom had written:
"Unschooling is freedom."
"I have always told her she does not have to do anything she does not want to do.”
Neither of those statements will help anyone understand unschooling better. Neither belief is true.
More thoughts about freedom and unschooling:
http://sandradodd.com/freedom/
Sandra