LEAH ROSE

Since Sandra asked for success stories, I thought I would share this.


Here's the backstory:

Our oldest unschooler, Austin, just turned 21. He left school after 8th grade but stayed tight with his peer group of four buddies, who all went on to attend our local private high school. His friends were wholly against his decision to leave school. They nicknamed him "Homeschool," told him he would never get into college, would be flipping burgers for the rest of his life, and generally tried to pressure him with guilt and ridicule into returning to the classroom. He decided to take their harassment as a compliment - they just missed him! - but since he preferred the freedom of his life outside, he refused to join them.


When those boys were starting 11th grade, Austin started part-time at community college as a dual-enrolled student. That ended their teasing. By the end of that year he had his high school diploma and he continued on as a part-time student (during their senior year), and then went full-time for a year and graduated (in the top 1% of 1100 students!) with his AA degree in Criminal Justice. During those years he also earned a lot of money doing yard work for local people, and then at as a server at Olive Garden, as well as volunteering over a 1000 hours in church and civic organizations.


Meanwhile, his four friends had graduated high school. One of them was so burned out and depressed from the experience that he basically disengaged from life - holed up in his room and slept and did nothing for almost a year. The other three went on to college together, but one of them also burned out, and dropped out by late winter. The last two stayed in school and received AA degrees last May, but then they, too, quit college (one because he determined that he doesn't need it for his career path (I agree), and the other because he just doesn't yet know what he wants to do with his life).


While those two friends were finishing their AAs, Austin was taking a gap year to work two jobs and save money for college (he succeeded – he will graduate debt-free). He transferred all his community college credits to a state university and this past semester started back to complete his bachelors in criminal justice. 


So, out of this group of five young men, the one who was supposedly destined for a life of “flipping burgers” is the only one  who will be graduating with a four-year college degree, four years after his "college track" friends finished high school. And in fact, because his degree requires an internship which he will do this summer and which earns him credits, he will actually graduate next December, a whole semester earlier than his friends likely would have if they'd continued on for their bachelors.


But that's just the backstory, offered for a bit of context.  


The reason for telling all that is because of a recent bit of feedback I received. About six weeks ago one of Austin's friends suffered an unexpected tragedy, and this group of 21-year-olds was suddenly confronted with the issue of how to navigate devastating loss and grief - all new territory. I bumped into that boy’s father last week and had a very sweet conversation. All of us parents have known these boys, and each other, for years, and in fact this dad was the Scoutmaster during Austin’s years in our local boy scout troop, so he had a front row seat when Austin began his journey off the school road. He and I started out talking about his own son and their situation, but the dad soon turned the topic to Austin and how incredibly impressed and grateful he and his wife have been for the way Austin has shown his friendship through their son’s ordeal. In fact, he ended up talking about Austin’s choice to unschool. 


This dad told me that he used to think unschooling was a crazy idea and I was crazy to encourage it. But he thinks differently now. He sees Austin as “head and shoulders above” his friends, said he “stands out from the crowd,” and it’s because of his overall maturity - his sense of purpose, initiative, and commitment, his thoughtfulness and priorities. He attributes these differences to Austin’s freedom to make decisions and real choices from an earlier age, to learn along a personally engaging path, moving in his own chosen direction. Watching Austin, this dad has really come to see the value of unschooling. And when I look at our son I see the same thing - a convincing unschooling success story.  


Cass Kotrba


I had a story to share as well and it actually sort of fits in with Leah's.

A couple of months ago my son Ben, 11, was invited to go to a Demolition Derby with his best friend, Gerrick. Gerrick's  mom had said it was ok for Ben and another friend to go with them to the Derby if they had money for their own admission.  I had $17 in my purse so I gave that to him.  The admission was $5 so I figured that would give him enough for some food with a little left over to do with as he pleased.  

The admission was $5 and then he spent another $7 on dinner, leaving him with $5.  It turned out that their was a bubble run event set up within the Derby and the cost to participate was $5.  Ben had $5 left but the other boys didn't and the mom didn't have enough for the other boys.  Thus began the dilemma - they only had $5 between them but three boys that wanted to do the bubble run.  I guess the boys stood by the entrance and debated what to do.  The one friend said that it was Ben's money so he should be the one to go.  Ben wanted to go but not without his friends.  They stood their for awhile as Ben considered his options.  He eventually came to the conclusion that none of them would even be at the event if it weren't for Gerrick's mom, so he decided to give the money to Gerrick.

They went up to pay the man who was working the gate and were in for a surprise.  Apparently this man had watched the entire thing unfold and told Ben that he was very impressed with his selfless decision.  So impressed, in fact, that he decided to let all 3 boys do the bubble run!!!  Awww... I was so proud and happy for him when he told me the story.  And he had the soaking wet shoes to prove it!

-Cass

Cass Kotrba

Oops - I see a couple of "their" when it should have been "there"!
To: [email protected]
From: [email protected]
Date: Sun, 1 Nov 2015 07:46:03 -0700
Subject: RE: [AlwaysLearning] An unschooling success story

 


I had a story to share as well and it actually sort of fits in with Leah's.

A couple of months ago my son Ben, 11, was invited to go to a Demolition Derby with his best friend, Gerrick. Gerrick's  mom had said it was ok for Ben and another friend to go with them to the Derby if they had money for their own admission.  I had $17 in my purse so I gave that to him.  The admission was $5 so I figured that would give him enough for some food with a little left over to do with as he pleased.  

The admission was $5 and then he spent another $7 on dinner, leaving him with $5.  It turned out that their was a bubble run event set up within the Derby and the cost to participate was $5.  Ben had $5 left but the other boys didn't and the mom didn't have enough for the other boys.  Thus began the dilemma - they only had $5 between them but three boys that wanted to do the bubble run.  I guess the boys stood by the entrance and debated what to do.  The one friend said that it was Ben's money so he should be the one to go.  Ben wanted to go but not without his friends.  They stood their for awhile as Ben considered his options.  He eventually came to the conclusion that none of them would even be at the event if it weren't for Gerrick's mom, so he decided to give the money to Gerrick.

They went up to pay the man who was working the gate and were in for a surprise.  Apparently this man had watched the entire thing unfold and told Ben that he was very impressed with his selfless decision.  So impressed, in fact, that he decided to let all 3 boys do the bubble run!!!  Awww... I was so proud and happy for him when he told me the story.  And he had the soaking wet shoes to prove it!

-Cass

Sarah Thompson

This is just a little tidbit, but it struck me. My son is 9 1/2. He goes to art and pe at the local school because we live in a tiny town and all his local pals are there, and he likes to see them regularly. Often, he'll get in the car and tell me that he got to leave class at the end but other kids had to stay because the teacher was frustrated with their behavior. Since he is choosing to go and do just the things he enjoys, he's happy and engaged and comfortable with the structure, but many of his peers see the "special" classes as a chance to get away from their desks and freak out.

Sarah

Cass Kotrba

-=- They went up to pay the man who was working the gate and were in for a surprise.  Apparently this man had watched the entire thing unfold and told Ben that he was very impressed with his selfless decision.  So impressed, in fact, that he decided to let all 3 boys do the bubble run!!!  Awww... I was so proud and happy for him when he told me the story.  And he had the soaking wet shoes to prove it! -=-

I realize that when I told this story I didn't share the part that truly makes it a success story. 
 
Ben started unschooling when he was 8.  A lot has changed over those 3+ years.  When we initially ventured into unschooling he was a pretty angry, lost kid.  He was full of self doubt and rage.  In hindsight I can see clearly what was going on but at the time my husband and I were at a loss.  Our precious little boy was going down the wrong path.  He would lash out physically against his sister, the house and even punch himself while screaming that he hated himself.  The poor little guy was so frustrated but we did not know what to do.  We were scared for his future.
 
Then I found this list.  The writings here, and the associated web pages, helped me learn to see things differently.  In the past I didn't know what to do when he would become so explosively angry.  It would make me feel angry and I would respond angrily.  So the first thing I did was start looking directly at him and focus on how he was feeling, not how I was feeling.  I realized that I did have choices in how to respond. I started trying to see my choices and always reach for the better one.  At first it was a choice between yelling back or walking away.  Then it became walking away or finding ways to help support him.  Little by little, step by step.  Over time I came to know him better and he began to trust me.  I would share my experiences with my husband and he could see the changes for himself which gave him great hope & incentive to jump on board.
 
Fast forward 3 years and we're looking at a child who has transformed. My husband and I understand him so much better and now we are better at knowing how to support him and help him.  He still has a fiery temper but he has come so far in learning to understand himself and how to channel his anger into non-harmful venues.  He has gone from an overriding feeling of being unvalued, unsupported and misunderstood to being happy, peaceful and loving.    That is the true success story. <3
 
-Cass

Sandra Dodd

Janine Davies wrote something really nice, and we’ve been exchanging notes about putting it on my webpage but there are technical difficulties on my end today. So I’m putting it here so people can read it (she did want to put it on Always Learning, too), and will move it to the page when I can. [If there are errors, I’ll claim them and fix them before it’s put elsewhere; we’ve been corresponding about some punctuation and such, and Janine’s asleep now, off on the darker side of the world.]
_______________________________________________________________________

MY SNORING!

I have Joyce Fetterol’s unschooling “Toolbox" – which is basically quote cards to pull out for inspiration and to help open up stuck thinking. Every single quote has been written and included to help parents move forward towards better relationships with their child/children. The card I pulled out today asked this:

"What’s your child’s favourite thing about you? What’s your child’s least favourite thing about you?"

I had thoughts start to whirl in my head immediately on reading these questions!

“Wow," I said out loud.

Kes immediately asked me, "What did you just say wow for?" So I made an impulsive decision to just ask Kes outright these questions. I asked him first: ‘What’s your favourite thing about me? Without taking a beat, he said: “Oh do I have to pick one thing? There are so many favourite things! So many things I love about you!”

I then asked his least favourite thing about me.

”Oh I can’t think of any! Actually there is one, and I hope you don’t mind me saying it, but it’s your snoring! Definitely your snoring!” :-)

Oh my, oh my! I can’t say how much this feels like SUCH an immense victory to me. I am so deeply happy and fulfilled by these honest and joyful answers.

I felt an immediate and deep sense of achievement and victory! I ran to hug him and kiss him, and had tears in my eyes. He felt the joy flowing from me so much and we hugged for a long time.

(The next morning he excitedly said ‘Lets do the cards in the box thing again!’ :-) )


"Nothing has ever made me feel better about me than the feeling that I was being a good mom."
—Sandra Dodd

Some might say I’m reading too much into it….but hey, I don’t think so.

So why such a victory? Because three years ago I don’t think those answers would have been the same. That is what this is all about for me, THIS sweet victory.

I’m at the point on this journey now where I’m less focused on the absence of school aspect of unschooling. I’ve unpicked and de-schooled that area of this way of life a lot now (but of course it’s an ongoing process), and I find myself drawn more and more to the psychological aspects and outcomes of unschooling, versus the outcomes from a pre-packaged life and its mainstream parenting. I’m interested in how that plays out on our small people, whilst small, and going on into adult life.

Respectful parenting and parenting for social change is where my main focus is now, and of course radical unschooling is all those things and more. :-) For me, that all begins and ends with being a good mum in the eyes and minds of my children, and going forward being remembered as a kind respectful and happy mum—someone they could trust implicitly, and who was their partner and friend.

Hopefully they will then carry that forward to how they treat their children, regardless of what the current trend is, or fears they have, or the current scaremongering circulating. Even if they don't have children of their own, my hope is that they treat and speak to all children that they come in contact with throughout their lives with the same respect and kindness that they afford their partners and friends, and that they treat them like the people they are.

"Your children are developing a holographic internal image of you, complete with voice and emotion. The things you do and say are being recorded for posterity; make them sweet and good. What you choose to say and do now will affect what your children say to their children, and what your great grandchildren will hear after you’re long gone.
Live like you’re their last hope.” Sandra Dodd

Partnering with my children and changing the paradigm in my family—that feels like the ultimate victory to me.

Kes often looks back and reminds me of things that upset him before the unschooling years (which I always see as great learning and reflection opportunities, but many cut deep…), so I know those answers could have been very different had I asked them three years ago. Things like: “Remember when you used to restrict and time me on the computer mum, or just come over and switch if off, and the TV? I hated that mum. It made me feel very angry and hurt. I just spent the whole time on there panicking that the time would soon be up, and I never got to relax or complete anything or learn anything on there properly,” or ”Remember when you used to make me sit on a step away from you when I did something wrong? That made me feel so scared and sad. So did sleeping alone in a room instead of with you and dad or Sam.”

He has reminded me of many more over these three years that used to deeply upset and frustrate him, and make him very sad and angry inside. They both have, and Sam’s reminders I find particularly heartbreaking and even heart-stopping on occasion (and difficult to write about, so I won’t). Especially now we are all safe and happy on the unschooled side of things, and they are not wild and crazy and running riot, and the world didn’t fall apart! (They are not violent psychopaths either, well not yet anyway… ;-) )

All the reminders from them are mainly focused on the controlling, the ‘no’s’, and the arbitrary rules that were constantly dished out, and the shaming and disrespectful ways they were treated and spoken to. Around food, it was mainly the restricting, drip feeding, and limiting of it. Set bedtimes, ”Even when I wasn’t tired mum.” The restrictions of what they could and couldn’t play/watch/game—that comes up a lot, especially now they are not the violent disturbed psychopaths I feared they would become from playing/watching them—in fact, so far from it!

'My Little Pony' and 'Terraria' are so often now the first choice to watch and play from a collection that includes GTA and Gary's mod. By allowing them to play those games, a very natural curiosity and need has been served, and freedom of choice allowed. Now, based on their own curiosity and needs, learning and flow have opened up in abundance! Ideas flow into old and new interests and discoveries, and the boys are not stuck craving and desiring the forbidden thing, nor dealing with the frustration and obsessive yearning and sneaking that can come with unmet needs.

Other reminders from them have been:
”I never felt you were really ever fully listening to me mum, but I do now!"
“You never used to play with me like this before ! I love that you game with me now.” (I try but I’m still pretty rubbish.)
“You used to say minecraft and other games were silly, and just a game and a waste of time.”

They have also both mentioned the eye rolling and huffing and puffing I used to be particularly good at, along with shaming comments said about them, and to them, and often in front of other people.

And how often I said ‘No.’ “You always used to just say no mum! To pretty much everything!”

Sam has said that he never felt like a person, a person with his own thoughts, curiosity, wants and needs. He said he never felt heard.

"Happiness helps learning. Biochemically, joy is better than dismay. Optimism is better than negativity.” Sandra Dodd

A friend wrote recently “Of all things that can and have been accomplished from this way of living, this one feels the most important.” She was referencing the closeness and connection between her 13 yr old son and his dad, the hugs and daily easy comfortable physical contact—be it a hug sitting in his lap or right close to him, holding hands and having big and small adventures together. :-)

I also shared a pic on FB recently of Sam and his dad hugging tightly, and used her words to accompany it because I, too, feel the same. Karen James is the writer of those words.

That moment between Kes & I also feels SO important, up there with the one above for sure :-). And I have realised that it all comes down to trust and partnering. He trusts me deeply now, he trusts that I have his back. He trusts that I will say Yes more often than no, and that I will make things happen for him to the best of my ability and resources at the time. He trusts that I trust his unique and individual learning process. Giving him choices, and treating him, and speaking to him most importantly as I would to Karl or a friend, has built immeasurable trust and respect. Giving them a choice in how they spend their childhood years has built a trust between us that cannot be measured. That trust has opened up deep love, joy, connection, and learning!

Today Joyce’s card read: "Who will it really hurt if you say yes instead of no?"

In my experience saying ‘yes’ or ‘let me think about that’ first before a knee jerk ‘No’ builds trust, and connects more deeply. Letting go of the control—which is so often unnecessary, and pretty much always is hurtful and builds resentment. Letting go of the fears that are so often scare-mongering, and also are so often based in nothing, with nothing whatsoever to back them up. Nothing. Fears that are so often without any real thinking on anyone’s part, and without willingness to open up to new ways of looking at things.

Getting stuck to, and in, my and other people’s, ‘experts,’ fears, visions and programming of how it would and will all be if not adhered to. Listening to and being guided by fears and predicted outcomes, and not looking and listening to, and trusting, the actual little person in front of me—that all adds up to such intense frustration and utter dismay for them! And it impedes natural learning like nothing else!

“Be his partner, not his adversary.” Sandra Dodd

All that, and more has helped me move forward towards better relationships and real partnering with my boys, and led to Kes, without any hesitation, to say that his least favourite thing about me was my snoring—my snoring!!

AND to my eldest son saying almost daily, “You are my most favourite person in whole entire world,” or "I’m so happy you are my mum.” :-)

That means the whole world and more to me, and has made these sometimes bumpy, but mostly joyful, and very VERY eye-opening and life-changing three years worth it a trillion times over. :-)


I needed to write that. I try to write shorter posts, I really do…. but really they are for me to get it all out, and clarified.

If you made it to here well done! And thank you for reading :-)


Janine x


PS. Useful link: http://sandradodd.com/phrases

Sandra Dodd

I’ve just received this to share:

__________________________________

I have a short unschooling success story about something that happened a couple of days ago. It was one of those things that reassured me that we are, and have been, on the right path! If you do wind up posting it, I would appreciate it done anonymously.

My dad and his friend "Bob" came to visit this week. They are both older - in their 80's.

Right away Bob started talking with my DS (16) about the importance of meeting a counselor at school to discuss making career choices. My son, who has heard this before from other adults, listened politely. When he had a chance, he told Bob that he was homeschooled.

Bob: Well, that's probably better, you can't get away with so much.

DS in earnest: Why would I want to get away with anything?

(And me, to myself: Yes, yes, yes, yes, yes!)