Sandra Dodd

Anonymously asked:
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My unschooled daughter (9) has stumbled across one or two adult videos on her travels on YouTube. She watches a lot of YouTube daily, all the things she enjoys mostly (my little pony, spore, Minecraft etc) but she does surf around and obviously occasionally something adult pops up.

Occasionally she asks to watch in private, gets very protective about us seeing the screen etc. she did this yesterday, so I went to check on the history once she was sleeping. Amongst all the other kid videos was 'top ten oral sex videos in movies' and another similar one, obviously led on to by looking at crossover vids (sexy female anime characters and similar)

What on earth to say or do? I don't want to upset her or make her embarrassed. She's very sensitive and private. She would hate that I am able to see what she is watching. I've tried to speak to her generally before about adult stuff being on there, and people making inappropriate videos etc (she watches some horror so we've discussed it a lot)
I understand it's just natural curiosity, I'm just worried about her getting the wrong idea or seeing something disturbing. And she's only 9!!

I've tried to chat about sex with her casually in the past in an explanatory way ( as this has happened before a month or so ago), but she doesn't want to and gets very uncomfortable.

Please can anyone advise me as to how to approach this with her?
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Not my question, but in addition to responses now, if anyone could bring links to other times it has come up that would be wonderful. Thanks.

Sandra

Sarah Thompson

-I've tried to chat about sex with her casually in the past in an explanatory way ( as this has happened before a month or so ago), but she doesn't want to and gets very uncomfortable.-

Bringing up a topic out of the blue, no matter how casual, always feels like a lecture or an inquisition to me, if there is a motive behind it. My mom did and does this. My kids have asked questions that have led to conversations. By nine, I would have expected sex to come up and wonder why it hasn't. Do you watch movies together, or does she read books with racy content? What about video games? While sex came up fron a sciency perspective years ago, games like Grand Theft Auto have created oppprtunities to chat about its cultural components. Does she know from you that you and your partner have sex (if this is the case)? Getting comfortable with the topic feels like a place to start.

Sarah

Sandra Dodd

Sarah’s questions are good, and don’t need answers here. :-)

Most often when questions are asked, they’re “did you think about…” suggestions. But by 9, it’s possible that a girl could be within a year or two of starting her period, and it would be good for her not to be panicked if/when that happens. I think it’s worth discussins even if it feels like a lecture, because it might not come up naturally.

And in a case where the mom knows the child is getting other input (however accidental), It’s Time.

BUT…
A brief discussion with an offer to answer questions later, whenever, might be a compromise.
Trying to explain everything in one sessions is too much for anyone.

As to porn and computers, they are NOT secret, or private, in the world.
It is illegal for adults to help kids look at porn and so providing a computer without child controls at all could (in many jurisdictions) be consider having provided pornography to a child. Explaining THAT to her would be important.

There’s a story of Marty (when he was older than 9, but not nearly grown) and some online porn here:
http://sandradodd.com/sex

As to fears of parents and the internet, this might be reassuring (but doesn’t touch on the legal issues mentioned above, I don’t think):

http://sandradodd.com/onlinesafety

Sandra