sukaynalabboun@...

We are a family with three older unschoolers, aged 17,14 and 11. We have been unschooling for almost four years. This last week, some people who have become very close to us were killed in a car accident on the road we travel almost every day (only way in and out of the village). They were only a few years older than myself and my husband, their two youngest kids are in coma/body cast and critical condition. This family has been above kind, responsible and caring with ours. Like family, warm and non judgmental. I am asking the group for suggestions in terms of my maintaining a peaceful nest at this time. I have suffered from severe depression in the past, and this is a very depressing situation for us as we want to support this family, and to be the reliable kind friends they deserve. At the same time, I can feel the unavoidable negative/ depressing parts seeping into my own behavior. I want to be there for them (losing both parents at once is hard!) and also make sure I stay stable and positive for my own family. We were either at their home or they were at ours several times a week, sharing meals and outings, and they live on the road where the accident happened. My kids are really close to the younger kids (grandkids who are under 6) and want to help with joyfully distracting them. I want to help my kids do this, and support my friends. I apologize if this is not an appropriate topic, but I am feeling torn between not being trustworthy or kind or putting up some wall to protect myself from the sadness. Any suggestions for finding this balance or managing to stay positive in the process and caring for my own kids? Thanks

Sandra Dodd

-=-I want to be there for them (losing both parents at once is hard!) and also make sure I stay stable and positive for my own family. We were either at their home or they were at ours several times a week, sharing meals and outings, and they live on the road where the accident happened. My kids are really close to the younger kids (grandkids who are under 6) and want to help with joyfully distracting them. I want to help my kids do this, and support my friends.-=-

I hope there are people here with grief-counselling experience or knowledge or links who can advise you.

It seems you've thought through all the principles of being supportive and positive and considerate, but particular suggestions and experiences and maybe cautions would be good. I hope enough readers see this to help.

This isn't something I have much experience with myself, so I'm hoping to lure you some good advice.

Sandra

Jillmegan

I'm so sorry for this loss. 

Please go to this link (Buddhist or not - meditation helps all.) this is a link to one of my most favorite women. She explains a certain type of meditation which is called Tonglen. In short you and your family and friends can use it as much as you need. It is meant to bring calm and peace to upsetting situations by transforming negative in to positive energy. 

I hope this doesn't sound too hippie or new wave. It's really about consoling your heart while acknowledging the pain- rather than turning away and running from the pain. It's the opposite yet with a really uplifting powerful ending. What has happened can't change and it's healing for all of your sadness to connect with others through loving kindness and compassion towards all, including yourself . 

What I have said above will make more sense if you read this link to understand better how to use Tonglen meditation and why. 


Jill Foo
Affectionate Mother of three;
Matthew, Chelsea, & Bo.


On Jul 9, 2015, at 1:44 PM, "Sandra Dodd Sandra@... [AlwaysLearning]" <[email protected]> wrote:

 

-=-I want to be there for them (losing both parents at once is hard!) and also make sure I stay stable and positive for my own family. We were either at their home or they were at ours several times a week, sharing meals and outings, and they live on the road where the accident happened. My kids are really close to the younger kids (grandkids who are under 6) and want to help with joyfully distracting them. I want to help my kids do this, and support my friends.-=-

I hope there are people here with grief-counselling experience or knowledge or links who can advise you.

It seems you've thought through all the principles of being supportive and positive and considerate, but particular suggestions and experiences and maybe cautions would be good. I hope enough readers see this to help.

This isn't something I have much experience with myself, so I'm hoping to lure you some good advice.

Sandra

Jillmegan

Here is the link to Tonglen meditation.


http://old-shambhala.shambhala.org/teachers/pema/tonglen1.php

Jill Foo
Affectionate Mother of three;
Matthew, Chelsea, & Bo.


On Jul 9, 2015, at 8:02 AM, "sukaynalabboun@... [AlwaysLearning]" <[email protected]> wrote:

 

We are a family with three older unschoolers, aged 17,14 and 11. We have been unschooling for almost four years. This last week, some people who have become very close to us were killed in a car accident on the road we travel almost every day (only way in and out of the village). They were only a few years older than myself and my husband, their two youngest kids are in coma/body cast and critical condition. This family has been above kind, responsible and caring with ours. Like family, warm and non judgmental. I am asking the group for suggestions in terms of my maintaining a peaceful nest at this time. I have suffered from severe depression in the past, and this is a very depressing situation for us as we want to support this family, and to be the reliable kind friends they deserve. At the same time, I can feel the unavoidable negative/ depressing parts seeping into my own behavior. I want to be there for them (losing both parents at once is hard!) and also make sure I stay stable and positive for my own family. We were either at their home or they were at ours several times a week, sharing meals and outings, and they live on the road where the accident happened. My kids are really close to the younger kids (grandkids who are under 6) and want to help with joyfully distracting them. I want to help my kids do this, and support my friends. I apologize if this is not an appropriate topic, but I am feeling torn between not being trustworthy or kind or putting up some wall to protect myself from the sadness. Any suggestions for finding this balance or managing to stay positive in the process and caring for my own kids? Thanks

megusa14@...

I apologize in advance to Sandra if I do not respond appropriately to the rules of this forum. I do wish to offer a few sentences to "sukaynalabboun" immediately as time is of the essence.

My background to this type of experience is in loosing my brother at 29 to murder in a city on the opposite coast to his own. He was a tourist and taken in a moment of rage and confusion the night before his return. The city, who was as surprised as our family to this outcome, took great heed to find the people who made their city unsafe to visit. We were greatly comforted by this compassion.

Your family can unite at 17, 14 and 11. You can lean on each other to produce what this family desires and held most dear TOGETHER. My long lasting experience is that death affects everyone, no matter what age. Sharing sadness through reading books or watching movies about similar topics help build that discussion. "Remember when. . ." "Maybe she/he would like. . ." "That makes me think maybe we could. . ." may come up and propel you all forward together, not alone. It sounds like your friends exhibited this value. Do what you each feel. Even if you question a child's response, let them play it out. The gifts, actions, and quirky moments I received from friends and family helped me feel loved, helped me release sadness and soon laugh again. 

Katherine Kubler-Ross books were most helpful for my Mom who has struggled with depression as she walks you through the stages of loss and how to support yourself.

Live for today rings true at this time. Be in the moment, remember and free your minds as you would staring into a fire or a water fountain. The support for your friends family will come.

Thinking of you.

Mira Hatland

This is the first time posting for me. I have been so inspired by all of these discussions. I felt completely drawn to giving my feed back about this sad, sad predicament. 

My experience of trauma and how to deal with it within my family is extensive. I am a survivor, which also tends to draw me to depression on anger. On top of that we fled from the Four Mile Fire in Boulder, Colorado and relocated for six months. As soon as we got settled, I found a large lump on my neck and found out that I had stage 4 Lymphoma. My daughter was eight years old. Then she was attending a two room school house in the mountains. For the last four years she has been unschooled. 
I know that this sounds crazy, but all of this trauma has made my daughter wise beyond belief. She has already lived many lives (if you know what I mean). The fire and cancer has given her lessons of being strong for our family as well as for others. She has very deep compassion for people who are sick, dying, loss of a a family member etc. 
What I can share with you, is that although at the time, she had counselors in her second grade, the life experience of such an ordeal changed  her for ever and unschooling has given her the chance to feel what she is feeling, be directly involved with our family transitions and growth. 
Although it has not been pretty, she has seen that through perseverance and compassion people can make it through horrific situations.  I was on anti depressants through Chemo, so I would not yell at her. I was constantly honest with her, explaining what was happening to my nervous system when she jumped on the bed. Or when my husband and I almost split up after thirty years and went to therapy and saved our precious family. She has seen first hand how all of it works if there is love and caring and a desire to heal. I think if she was in school, she would not have been able to see all of this transformation. 
Be gentle with your clan, be honest, show them the big picture (loss and grieving, and growth and celebration). 
By being honest of what you are going through and what they are going through they learn life lessons that most of us never learn until our 50s! I was always so protected in my child hood about death and trauma. And I had so much of it. 
This is one thing I am learning about unschooling, is that my child who is now 12 is wise beyond her years. She has never been protected from life in these last four years. She is really experiencing it all and I am grateful for this. Sincerely, Mira

             
                          Mira Hatland
                          303-517-5436
           
            www.SunshinePotteryStudio.com     

          Sunshine Pottery Studio, Boulder, CO: Pottery Camps for Children
                   "Come and Play with Clay."

On Thu, Jul 9, 2015 at 9:02 AM, sukaynalabboun@... [AlwaysLearning] <[email protected]> wrote:
 

We are a family with three older unschoolers, aged 17,14 and 11. We have been unschooling for almost four years. This last week, some people who have become very close to us were killed in a car accident on the road we travel almost every day (only way in and out of the village). They were only a few years older than myself and my husband, their two youngest kids are in coma/body cast and critical condition. This family has been above kind, responsible and caring with ours. Like family, warm and non judgmental. I am asking the group for suggestions in terms of my maintaining a peaceful nest at this time. I have suffered from severe depression in the past, and this is a very depressing situation for us as we want to support this family, and to be the reliable kind friends they deserve. At the same time, I can feel the unavoidable negative/ depressing parts seeping into my own behavior. I want to be there for them (losing both parents at once is hard!) and also make sure I stay stable and positive for my own family. We were either at their home or they were at ours several times a week, sharing meals and outings, and they live on the road where the accident happened. My kids are really close to the younger kids (grandkids who are under 6) and want to help with joyfully distracting them. I want to help my kids do this, and support my friends. I apologize if this is not an appropriate topic, but I am feeling torn between not being trustworthy or kind or putting up some wall to protect myself from the sadness. Any suggestions for finding this balance or managing to stay positive in the process and caring for my own kids? Thanks


emmamarieforde@...

---I am asking the group for suggestions in terms of my maintaining a peaceful nest at this time. ---

I am sorry to hear about your loss. I would have replied earlier but I have only recently seen your post. I am a mum of two daughters who have always been unschooled. I worked for some time as a Clinical Psychologist with a Child and Family Bereavement Service in the UK before having my daughters.

It sounds like you were closely connected with the family that was involved in this tragic accident and that you spent a lot of time with them during the course of the week and that they were very much part of your lives. It would have been a huge shock and it is still very recent. It may feel as if your world has been turned upside down. Finding things that can bring you some comfort and familiarity at this time may help: things that you were used to doing as a family or for yourself, for example, going shopping together, walking the dog, watching a film, bringing food/drinks to family members and remembering to eat and to nurture yourself.
 
It may also help to accept that your family life may look different for a while as you all take time to adjust to what has happened. The process of bereavement may last over many months and so it can be helpful to give yourselves time to grieve and to heal. Talking through what has happened either together or with those family members that would like to can be helpful. As can sharing memories and stories about what you were used to doing together as and when memories come up throughout the day.
Although this is an experience that you have all shared it can also help to recognise that each family member will grieve differently and may need different things. Being radical unschoolers can be helpful as your children are used to you responding to them as individuals and being sensitive to their unique needs. Some family members might find it helpful to talk about how they are feeling whilst others may prefer to express how they are feeling in different ways, such as in creative or physical activities or they may want to distract themselves. Your children might want to be more or less involved with the family you were close to depending on how they are feeling and it is helpful for them to have a choice about their level of involvement. Knowing your children well will help guide you as will having conversations with them when it feels right and letting them know you or another trusted adult or friend are available to talk to or to spend time with.

It can also be helpful to give the children the option to talk to someone outside of the immediate family whether that is a supportive family friend they trust or a bereavement counsellor (depending on what feels most comfortable to them). Sometimes children/young people might find it helpful to speak to someone outside of the family as they can be concerned about upsetting their parents or causing them more pain.  This might be the case if they are aware that you have experienced depression and it might also help you to know that your children have an additional way of sharing their grief if you are feeling overwhelmed.
 
I was not sure from your post who the surviving family members were, their ages and who was looking after them? It would be useful for you to know what support they have in place so that you know that they are being cared for, they are safe and their basic needs are being met and this may provide some relief. This could include checking if they have access to family bereavement support and counselling if they choose as well as any practical support they might need. Finding out how the family might like you to be involved at this time will enable you to be in a better position to know how you can be supportive and what you are able to offer.

It can also be helpful to find ways of enabling your children to feel connected to the family members that died or are injured in both the short and longer term. This might be by talking about things you did together, sharing stories or watching films that you all enjoyed or places you may have visited together. However, this will depend upon how each person is feeling and wanting to do but it can be helpful for family members to know that the family will still continue to be a part of your lives although they may no longer be physically present. It could also be worth exploring whether your children would like to visit the younger children who are injured in hospital or have some other way of staying in touch with what is happening to them, for example, if they would like to be given updates on their progress. They might like to write messages, draw pictures or send a gift (depending upon what is meaningful to them).  

I don't know whether the funeral has taken place for the parents that have died but it might be helpful to consider how the children might want to be involved and whether they would like to attend. If they don't there could be other ways of creating a meaningful/personalised ritual together to enable them to say goodbye. There is some information in the links below about supporting children around grief and loss and how to include them and prepare them for the funeral. 

It can be helpful for children and young people to be involved in what is happening if they wish and to be given choices. You mentioned that they wanted to help with joyfully distracting the younger grandchildren and this sounds like a good idea if this is something that you felt you could help facilitate. It may bring some comfort and joy to the children and enable them to be involved and connected to the family in a positive way. Your children might have more ideas about how they would like to be involved and ways of staying connected. When a death has occurred suddenly it is not unusual for the bereaved to experience seeing the deceased, to feel their presence or dream about them. For some children this can bring comfort and connection while others might be anxious about it. It can help to normalise these experiences and to let them know it is something that often happens when a person is grieving after a sudden loss.

---I have suffered from severe depression in the past, and this is a very depressing situation for us as we want to support this family, and to be the reliable kind friends they deserve. At the same time, I can feel the unavoidable negative/depressing parts seeping into my own behaviour. I want to be there for them (losing both parents at once is hard!) and also make sure I stay stable and positive for my own family.---

In order to be there for your family and to help maintain a peaceful nest it would help if you are feeling supported and that your feelings and needs are being understood and listened to. Because you have experienced depression in the past it sounds like you feel concerned that you will be pulled into a depth of grief and despair that might be overwhelming or may be difficult to re-surface from. This may be an understandable fear because you have been vulnerable to depression and you recognise the feelings. However, it also sounds like you are in a different position than you were in before because you have an awareness of this reaction in yourself to withdraw and you realise that it is not something that has been helpful to you or your family. The act of reaching out for support and talking about how you feel may enable you to find ways of experiencing your grief while staying connected with your family.

What have you found that has helped when you have been feeling low? It could help to talk to a supportive person whether this is a grief counsellor or someone who is able to be there with you, listen and be alongside you. Having an outlet for your feelings and your fears might enable you to keep connected to your family whilst at the same time acknowledging and taking care of your own needs. It might also help to connect with someone that you trust in your family or friendship circle and share with them how you are feeling so that they can be on your team and help notice if you are needing some extra nurturing or support. Even things like offering you something to eat or drink or if you need a few moments to take a bath or a walk, giving you a hug. Sometimes family members can provide each other with this support and sometimes it helps to enlist the help of someone outside of the family.

In the UK there are charities and services such as the one I worked for that can offer support for the whole family at various stages in the grieving process. Sometimes issues may come up later in your journey and meeting with other families or talking with people who have a knowledge of bereavement and loss can be help. I don't know what is available where you live? However, there is information about grief and supporting yourself, children and family members in the links below. There are also books and publications linked to on these websites for both children and families who have experienced a traumatic loss.

Winston's Wish is a specialist bereavement service offering support for children and families. There is a range of info here as well as special section on the website for young people who have experienced different types of bereavement and a chat forum supervised by bereavement professionals. The link below has information about caring for children when they have experienced a bereavement.

http://www.winstonswish.org.uk/parents-and-carers-2

Child Bereavement UK offers information, support and advice involving children and bereavement. There is information continued here about responding to all types of grief, including when there has been a traumatic loss. 

http://www.childbereavementuk.org/publications/information-sheets

Cruse Bereavement Service is one of the main bereavement support services in the UK and has a history of providing good quality support using professionally trained volunteers. There is information here about supporting yourself when you have experienced a bereavement. 

http://www.cruse.org.uk/supporting-yourself

Hope Again is a website which is designed by young people for young people who have experienced bereavement and loss, it is supported by Cruise Bereavement Charity (see above). There is an option for young people to be able to share their story and also to be able talk with trained volunteers via telephone or email. 

http://hopeagain.org.uk/

Best Wishes, Emma Forde