Sandra Dodd

Someone requested that this be posted anonymously. I wrote the subject line myself.



I'm concerned that I'm not really meeting my 11.5 year old daughter's needs as well as I ought to be and I'd be very grateful for some ideas from parents of children who've passed this age. She is very much in adolescence now and has three younger siblings, for context. I found the thread on the facebook group about cocooning pre-teens very helpful ( https://www.facebook.com/groups/303347574750/permalink/10152848728039751/ ) and have a huge amount of trust in this need my own pre-teen has to be in her room socialising online with her friends. On the most part, she is happy and proactive about this. I wrote on here a while ago concerned that she wasn't very happy, but I don't feel that is the case at all now. However, she does, on some days (and I know we all do!) get a bit 'stuck' (in her own words). If her friends go off-line, she sometimes finds it difficult to shift off the computer so just mooches around on YouTube. Sometimes she does this proactively. Sometimes this isn't a problem whether it's proactive or out of boredom. But sometimes, she tells me, she feels like she can't really get herself to do anything else and I'm at a bit of a loss as to how to help her. I do a lot of going and watching with her, snuggling in her bed with her. Sometimes she doesn't want me to do that and is really quite resistant to my presence at all. I honour that and leave her, maybe bringing her a drink later on with no pressure. This is not about me - I am not pining for her affection or anything! But, when we talk outside of the situation, she says she wishes she had more in her life. So I suggest things, she becomes animated for about five minutes, and then she goes off the idea.

An example: yesterday, after noticing that she'd been a bit blue for a few days, I invited her out for a drink to a coffee shop with me and her grandma, who she's very close with. She was delighted but soon began to appear 'blue' to me again, brushing my hand away if I touched her at all. Later, I said to her that I wanted to help her do the things she wants to do but that I can't read her mind. If she wants to play all day long online with her friends, I'll help her to do that. But I said I felt that she wasn't 100% happy right now. She agreed with me and, together, we came up with the idea of her trying some activities or hobbies - dipping her toe in the water, as it were, because she said she didn't know what she wanted to do but felt that she wanted to do something. She also said she felt her shyness held her back as it's harder to find activities that she can do with me present as she gets older. She then said she fancied learning a musical instrument or to sing. I asked her if she wanted lessons, and she became quite animated. We have a piano and various other instruments - learning to play something would be very easy. But within ten minutes, she'd gone back to shrugging her shoulders and saying 'yeah, maybe' at anything I said. Later on she came to me and said she wanted to try film-making if I could help her find somewhere she could learn that (she does some already, but wanted a course or something). But that idea quickly went off the boil too.

I want to be clear that I don't want her to be interested in more things because I think she ought to be, but because she's said she wants to have other things going on in her life. She does have other things going on...but she's said she'd like something regular that she can know is happening each week, or whatever.

I feel a little like I'm going round in endless circles with her; stuck, I guess. I'm not sure she feels she really relates to me that well...I think I annoy her, although she's clear that she adores me too. I know this is also her age and maybe that's all I need to do - be with her (not necessarily physically), love her, be aware of her, and be patient for her getting through this demotivated patch. But I'm concerned that maybe I'm missing something; that there's something I could be doing (or doing better) that I'm not.

I'd be very grateful for any thoughts.

CASS KOTRBA

-=- But I said I felt that she wasn't 100% happy right now. She agreed with me and, together, we came up with the idea of her trying some activities or hobbies - dipping her toe in the water, as it were, because she said she didn't know what she wanted to do but felt that she wanted to do something. She also said she felt her shyness held her back as it's harder to find activities that she can do with me present as she gets older. She then said she fancied learning a musical instrument or to sing. I asked her if she wanted lessons, and she became quite animated. We have a piano and various other instruments - learning to play something would be very easy. But within ten minutes, she'd gone back to shrugging her shoulders and saying 'yeah, maybe' at anything I said.-=-
 
 
Maybe she's desiring more activities outside the home or maybe she thinks that she "should" have more going on or that you'd be happier if she had more things going on in her life.
 
Rather than focusing on finding things outside of the house that occur on a regular schedule, I'd try to find additional activities that she can pick up anytime and do at home. If you have musical instruments at home and she's shown an interest in that, maybe she'd like an interesting video that she can turn on in the moment that it appeals to her. It might be more appealing to her not to have the big commitment to get ready, leave the house and be committed to a lesson for a predetermined amount of time.  If she's at home & she gets bored in 10 minutes then it's fine, she can look for something else.
 
-=- So I suggest things, she becomes animated for about five minutes, and then she goes off the idea. -=-
 
Maybe she wants to please you or it sounds good in the moment but if the interest passes then that's ok.  I have seen my daughter show interest in things many times that end up being just a passing idea.  But when she really hooks onto something she becomes passionate and motivated and seems to have boundless energy for that endeavor.  Until it passes and she's onto a new idea.  Sometimes there is a period of restlessness or boredom in between and I try to help her brain storm new interests/activities.  Usually she will not take my ideas but sometimes it helps trigger something else in her mind.
 
-=-However, she does, on some days (and I know we all do!) get a bit 'stuck' (in her own words). If her friends go off-line, she sometimes finds it difficult to shift off the computer so just mooches around on YouTube. Sometimes she does this proactively. Sometimes this isn't a problem whether it's proactive or out of boredom. But sometimes, she tells me, she feels like she can't really get herself to do anything else and I'm at a bit of a loss as to how to help her. -=-
 
There is an incredible amount of interesting stuff on YouTube so maybe she "just mooches around on YouTube" (I'm not familiar with that phrase but it does not sound like a very nice description) or maybe she's finding fascinating and interesting things on there.  I suspect she's getting more out of the activity than your description indicates.
 
I would try to find more options for her that are easy to reach for in the moment and that are appealing to an older girl but I would be careful not to say things that she could perceive as pressure to do or be more than she already is.  I would work within myself on being ok with the idea that she is going through a period in her life where she sometimes feels blue, restless or angst.  It is part of who she is right now and may not be something mom can jump in and fix. A warm, reassuring smile might be more welcome than suggestions at times.
 
-=- I feel a little like I'm going round in endless circles with her; stuck, I guess.  -=-
Going around in circles will make you dizzy.  Stop circling around her.
 
-=- I think I annoy her, although she's clear that she adores me too. -=-
Do you need her reassurance on this point?  Asking for her reassurance that you are ok and that she is ok could be annoying! :D
 
-Cass