mypersonalmessages1@...

I would like to ask for some help.


Do you believe that it is in the best interests of our children to ask and or tell our children at times to do something or to stop doing something?


...and what is the best response for our child if they do not listen.?


If you ask or tell your child to stop doing something [for example, to stop doing something because it could be endangering his safety] if he does not stop, what response is in the best interests of the child?


i appreciate this opportunity.to learn.







Joyce Fetteroll

> On Feb 10, 2015, at 8:36 AM, mypersonalmessages1@... wrote:
>
> Do you believe that it is in the best interests of our children to ask
> and or tell our children at times to do something or to stop doing something?

Even if you're trying not to, your question is phrased asking for a rule.

The answer is, It depends. Why the child is doing something matters. Whether the child is harming himself, others, or property matters.

Stop a child if he's hurting anything.

But see protecting the world from your child as your job. It's your job until he shows he can do it himself by actually doing it. Your goal isn't to get him to obey or follow your directions. It's to help him and the world peacefully co-exist. If he shows he can't yet, then don't put him in situations where he will fail until he is mature enough to act appropriately.

This isn't punishment! It's being kind to him and the world. If there's some activity he loves but can't handle appropriately bring it here and maybe someone will have some ideas.

Depending on the situation try to figure out what need he's trying to (inexpertly) meet. Then help him find a safer, more respectful of others, practical way to meet the need. It might mean leaving a situation.

Or is he reacting to something internal like hunger, tiredness, boredom, overwhelm? If so, tend to that. But work at noticing before he reaches that point.

> if he does not stop, what response is in the best interests of the child?

If he doesn't stop, that's communication. He's saying that for whatever reason he can't stop. It might be tiredness or hunger. It might be he's reacting to past control by showing you that you don't control him any more. That's normal but don't put him in situations where he will act "defiantly" until he's recovered. Treat his recovery from control like recovery from a broken leg. For a while he's not going to be able to run let alone walk so don't ask him to.

But if you give real examples it will be easier to explain. While explaining the theory is my favorite part, it's much easier to understand the idea when you can see what they looks like in a real context.

Joyce

D. Regan


...and what is the best response for our child if they do not listen.?


... if he does not stop, what response is in the best interests of the child?

It sounds like the problem of the child not listening to the parent may be ongoing.  It will help to focus more on building a better relationship with the child.  

Instead of how to get the child to listen, listen much more to the child.  
What is important to him?  What does he need more of, less of?  What would he love?  What excites him?  What does it feel like when you tell him what to do?  What does he think about the safety of the situation?

When you've connected more, by being receptive to him and responsive to his needs, there will be less need of a command to stop. 
When the relationship between parent and child is one of partnership, "stop!" is likely to be helpful.  When the relationship is disconnected, "stop!" is likely to be just one more command, more thwarting, more to push against.

Work with him, help him be successful.
This page on Sandra Dodd's website is great:

:)
Debbie.




Sandra Dodd

-=-Do you believe that it is in the best interests of our children to ask and or tell our children at times to do something or to stop doing something?-=-

Sometimes.

-=-...and what is the best response for our child if they do not listen.?-=-

It depends.

-=-If you ask or tell your child to stop doing something [for example, to stop doing something because it could be endangering his safety] if he does not stop, what response is in the best interests of the child?-=-

I'm sure you're aware that these questions are not good ones. You're looking for rules, for an over-simplified map with only two stops on it.

I've seen that people are still taking time to respond to them, but it sounds to me like you want us to come up with a consensus (or for one of us to provide an answer) to settle a disagreement between parents, or between a parent and a grandparent.

So my response is going to be to start here, and stay there.
http://sandradodd.com/readalittle

You must become an unschooling parent for ANY of this to work.

Sandra

Catherine Hassall

Tue Feb 10, 2015 9:01 am (PST) . Posted by:

"Joyce Fetteroll" jfetteroll


> On Feb 10, 2015, at 8:36 AM, mypersonalmessages1@... wrote:
> 
> Do you believe that it is in the best interests of our children to ask
> and or tell our children at times to do something or to stop doing something?

Even if you're trying not to, your question is phrased asking for a rule.

The answer is, It depends. Why the child is doing something matters. Whether the child is harming himself, others, or property matters.

Stop a child if he's hurting anything.