Megan Valnes

Hello everyone,

My husband and I are going through a very conflicted stage right now in our unschooling journey. We have been unschooling for one year in February and our kids are 10,8,6,3.5, and our newest addition is just 2 weeks old.

I don't know if it's the new baby or what, but lately I am just feeling like we are doing something wrong.  I am not the mother I normally am--active and involved.  Right now, I am recovering from childbirth and dealing with what it is to have a brand new baby.  I have help here and the kids seem to be happy, we're just not getting out much and mainly watching lots of TV, playing iPads, computers, and gaming.

Suddenly, I feel so wrong about everything.  I keep questioning myself and unschooling--what are we doing?  Are we messing our kids up?  We're so different from most people.  Is this the wrong path?  I know my kids are learning, that's not what I'm concerned about. I'm concerned that my 6 year old seems overly attached to his ipad and youtube videos. I can hardly get him to sit with us at dinner because he'd much rather be watching a Youtube video. I'm concerned that my 10 year old barely leaves the house. I offer all kinds of opportunities, but he prefers to sleep till 12 or 1pm, wake up, stay in boxers all day, play video games, watch youtube videos, and stay home. I can hardly get him to bathe.  

Has anyone been through this and have some wisdom to share? I know in my heart I don't want to give up radically unschooling, but I am feeling very conflicted. I hope this makes sense.

Thanks.





Warmly,
Megan




Sandra Dodd

-=- I am not the mother I normally am--active and involved. Right now, I am recovering from childbirth and dealing with what it is to have a brand new baby. I have help here and the kids seem to be happy, we're just not getting out much-=-

Would it be easier if you were getting up and getting them ready for school each morning, and picking them up later, and helping them with homework?

Don't compare your unschooling to an imaginary ideal. Compare it to your alternatives. Right now, you have a new baby.

-=-I know my kids are learning, that's not what I'm concerned about. I'm concerned that my 6 year old seems overly attached to his ipad and youtube videos. I can hardly get him to sit with us at dinner because he'd much rather be watching a Youtube video. I'm concerned that my 10 year old barely leaves the house. I offer all kinds of opportunities, but he prefers to sleep till 12 or 1pm, wake up, stay in boxers all day, play video games, watch youtube videos, and stay home. I can hardly get him to bathe. -=-

If they're learning, and they're SO interested in what they're learning that they're happy to be home, they stay up late to learn, and would rather learn than come to a meal, that's a lot of learning!

-=-Has anyone been through this -=-

Most people have.

-=-...and have some wisdom to share? -=-

http://sandradodd.com
http://http://justaddlightandstir.blogspot.com
http://sandradodd.com/help (If you have not subscribed to and read Pam Laricchia's intro to unschooling, that *WILL* help, if you will read it and read it right, even for people who have been unschooling for a long time.)

Sandra

Greg and Kirsty Harriman

Firstly, Congratulations on your new baby Megan .

I feel the same (except that I haven’t just had a new baby), with four children each about 6 months younger than Megan’s. We also have been on this unschooling path for about a year and I STILL struggle with the amount of time they spend on devices, in front of tv or computer. Our eldest two girls had an early childhood which involved very limited tv, no computer, and no devices so I remember how they used to spend their time and I do feel sad that so much time is now spent sitting and watching things. I have read and read and read, and its extremely difficult to shed my conditioning that says time spent watching things is not as valuable as time spent doing things/using imagination etc.

I don’t try and “get my kids to” bathe, though, for example... I do ask them if they are going to have a bath and have learnt to be okay if not. Its not the end of the world if they don’t have a bath every day or even every second day. Its really okay and its only been my conditioning that causes that nails on a chalkboard feeling that its not okay. Bathing is an easy one for me though. Not so, dinner. we still do request the kids come to the table and we say grace. We ask they leave their respective activities to come together as a family, and with their Dad who is at work all day. They do, and they know they can pause and return. They also know they don’t have to eat anything if they’re not hungry. I have dropped pretty much every other mealtime, every other ounce of structure our lives ever had. Dinner time (we call it tea time) is one point of togetherness, an anchor point in the day, no matter how brief, that we continue to enjoy.

I wanted to say I relate to your concerns about your 6 year old. Our 5 year old son spends oodles of time watching and learning with Stampy Minecraft Youtube videos and playing Minecraft (which I really like, btw). Paradoxically, while I have facilitated and enabled him to explore his love of Minecraft (freeing room on the pc yesterday to re-install it so he can play the PC version, buying mags and books to help know how to play which I read too), I have this little head voice saying “he’s a little boy and should not be watching things all day.. he should be moving and playing with his toys etc... “ . The thing is, he DOES do these things, in spurts. He does go outside when its cooler (its hot summer here) and plays and digs, plays with sticks and ropes, and does little boy rambunctious things. I try really hard to not pass on my biases on and allow him to explore in ways he wants to, whatever form that takes. My internal battle does keep me awake at night worrying, like you, whether removing limits on media is in the kids’ best interests. I worry a lot about how much time they spent watching rather than doing. But I also know going back to limits (which were pretty strict a year ago) isn’t the way to go either. Its so hard to find that sweet spot that resides somewhere between a “free for all” which is where I feel we have gone at times and strict limits.

Is it very cold where you are (like its very very hot here)? The weather outside for us means they’re inside lots more and they do get bored, especially our 9.5 year old (who I worry about the most). I wonder whether that influences the time spent doing more contracted things like pc, ipad, tv, as opposed to when the weather outside beckons and everyone feels more spread out, if that makes sense.

Also, not really directly related to unschooling at all, just from another mum with a few kids, that of course a new baby in the house (as you would know of course having already had 4!) is a huge period of readjustment for everyone and not the least being, the children. Don’t compare yourself now to how you are when your youngest is say 3. I would look back and see how hugely influential the hormones are at this time, the fatigue and how much different one feels (and more active and level headed) compared with two weeks postpartum!

[Non-text portions of this message have been removed]

Greg and Kirsty Harriman

One other thing that occurred to me after I posted that last reply was that I recall from one of your earlier posts how you like to get out and about a lot, ie. OUT of the house. Please correct me if I am mistaken on that. I remember wondering if you felt like you were really unschooling if you were out in the world all the time running about doing lots, seeing lots, etc. rather than hanging at home. If that’s the voice in your head that says unschooling = out of house, then of course if your’re feeling housebound with a new baby then that feeling could be quite amplified at this time.
 
Just a thought.

Sam

Hi Megan. 

2 weeks postpartum! Your baby is still so new, and so is your new life! You've undergone such a huge change to yourself, your life, your family's life... Give yourself some time, let all the change settle in. Your children are getting used to the massive new stress of having a new baby in the house, as are you and your husband! It's oh so wonderful, but oh so hard.

In this time, be glad that they are busy and learning, and grateful you have iPads! (Imagine if you didn't!)

My 'new baby' is 20 months and we're still finding our groove as a family of 5 instead of 4. There are so many different dynamics.

Your hormones are also all over the place right now. Be gentle to yourself, and your children. 
Relax, enjoy the nesting time, let them be busy with what they're enjoying. 

I think it's pretty normal to feel you're not doing enough right now. I know I did, immensely. My health visitor was kind. She told me to relax; My children were happy, and this was a few short months they wouldn't remember in the big scheme of things. She said my body had been through a huge ordeal and I needed to rest, recuperate and bond with my baby. Best advice I could have got, I think :)

I also got someone in (a student) to come and do crafts and play with my big girls once a week at this time. They adored her and had great fun, and I could feel less guilty and do washing or lie down and nurse!

And lastly my 6 year old was glued to the iPad at that age. She learnt so, so much. She's 8 now and is less glued :) a lot more relaxed about it and into other stuff too. I remember feeling anxious about it at the time, but it really was all fine.

Enjoy your baby :) breathe her in, they grow so fast.

Sam 

Sent from my iPhone

On 29 Jan 2015, at 23:35, "'Greg and Kirsty Harriman' kgharriman1@... [AlwaysLearning]" <[email protected]> wrote:

 

Firstly, Congratulations on your new baby Megan .

I feel the same (except that I haven’t just had a new baby), with four children each about 6 months younger than Megan’s. We also have been on this unschooling path for about a year and I STILL struggle with the amount of time they spend on devices, in front of tv or computer. Our eldest two girls had an early childhood which involved very limited tv, no computer, and no devices so I remember how they used to spend their time and I do feel sad that so much time is now spent sitting and watching things. I have read and read and read, and its extremely difficult to shed my conditioning that says time spent watching things is not as valuable as time spent doing things/using imagination etc.

I don’t try and “get my kids to” bathe, though, for example... I do ask them if they are going to have a bath and have learnt to be okay if not. Its not the end of the world if they don’t have a bath every day or even every second day. Its really okay and its only been my conditioning that causes that nails on a chalkboard feeling that its not okay. Bathing is an easy one for me though. Not so, dinner. we still do request the kids come to the table and we say grace. We ask they leave their respective activities to come together as a family, and with their Dad who is at work all day. They do, and they know they can pause and return. They also know they don’t have to eat anything if they’re not hungry. I have dropped pretty much every other mealtime, every other ounce of structure our lives ever had. Dinner time (we call it tea time) is one point of togetherness, an anchor point in the day, no matter how brief, that we continue to enjoy.

I wanted to say I relate to your concerns about your 6 year old. Our 5 year old son spends oodles of time watching and learning with Stampy Minecraft Youtube videos and playing Minecraft (which I really like, btw). Paradoxically, while I have facilitated and enabled him to explore his love of Minecraft (freeing room on the pc yesterday to re-install it so he can play the PC version, buying mags and books to help know how to play which I read too), I have this little head voice saying “he’s a little boy and should not be watching things all day.. he should be moving and playing with his toys etc... “ . The thing is, he DOES do these things, in spurts. He does go outside when its cooler (its hot summer here) and plays and digs, plays with sticks and ropes, and does little boy rambunctious things. I try really hard to not pass on my biases on and allow him to explore in ways he wants to, whatever form that takes. My internal battle does keep me awake at night worrying, like you, whether removing limits on media is in the kids’ best interests. I worry a lot about how much time they spent watching rather than doing. But I also know going back to limits (which were pretty strict a year ago) isn’t the way to go either. Its so hard to find that sweet spot that resides somewhere between a “free for all” which is where I feel we have gone at times and strict limits.

Is it very cold where you are (like its very very hot here)? The weather outside for us means they’re inside lots more and they do get bored, especially our 9.5 year old (who I worry about the most). I wonder whether that influences the time spent doing more contracted things like pc, ipad, tv, as opposed to when the weather outside beckons and everyone feels more spread out, if that makes sense.

Also, not really directly related to unschooling at all, just from another mum with a few kids, that of course a new baby in the house (as you would know of course having already had 4!) is a huge period of readjustment for everyone and not the least being, the children. Don’t compare yourself now to how you are when your youngest is say 3. I would look back and see how hugely influential the hormones are at this time, the fatigue and how much different one feels (and more active and level headed) compared with two weeks postpartum!

[Non-text portions of this message have been removed]

Sam

Sorry Megan, I forgot to add. She also didn't like bathing. Still doesn't! It's easier not to worry about it too much! (She's not muddy, she at least looks clean!)

As my mum said when I voiced my worries to her 'oh with children you just have to let them be dirty ;)

I hope that's ok to put that in, moderators, I just thought it might make Megan smile.

Sam

Sent from my iPhone

On 29 Jan 2015, at 23:35, "'Greg and Kirsty Harriman' kgharriman1@... [AlwaysLearning]" <[email protected]> wrote:

 

Firstly, Congratulations on your new baby Megan .

I feel the same (except that I haven’t just had a new baby), with four children each about 6 months younger than Megan’s. We also have been on this unschooling path for about a year and I STILL struggle with the amount of time they spend on devices, in front of tv or computer. Our eldest two girls had an early childhood which involved very limited tv, no computer, and no devices so I remember how they used to spend their time and I do feel sad that so much time is now spent sitting and watching things. I have read and read and read, and its extremely difficult to shed my conditioning that says time spent watching things is not as valuable as time spent doing things/using imagination etc.

I don’t try and “get my kids to” bathe, though, for example... I do ask them if they are going to have a bath and have learnt to be okay if not. Its not the end of the world if they don’t have a bath every day or even every second day. Its really okay and its only been my conditioning that causes that nails on a chalkboard feeling that its not okay. Bathing is an easy one for me though. Not so, dinner. we still do request the kids come to the table and we say grace. We ask they leave their respective activities to come together as a family, and with their Dad who is at work all day. They do, and they know they can pause and return. They also know they don’t have to eat anything if they’re not hungry. I have dropped pretty much every other mealtime, every other ounce of structure our lives ever had. Dinner time (we call it tea time) is one point of togetherness, an anchor point in the day, no matter how brief, that we continue to enjoy.

I wanted to say I relate to your concerns about your 6 year old. Our 5 year old son spends oodles of time watching and learning with Stampy Minecraft Youtube videos and playing Minecraft (which I really like, btw). Paradoxically, while I have facilitated and enabled him to explore his love of Minecraft (freeing room on the pc yesterday to re-install it so he can play the PC version, buying mags and books to help know how to play which I read too), I have this little head voice saying “he’s a little boy and should not be watching things all day.. he should be moving and playing with his toys etc... “ . The thing is, he DOES do these things, in spurts. He does go outside when its cooler (its hot summer here) and plays and digs, plays with sticks and ropes, and does little boy rambunctious things. I try really hard to not pass on my biases on and allow him to explore in ways he wants to, whatever form that takes. My internal battle does keep me awake at night worrying, like you, whether removing limits on media is in the kids’ best interests. I worry a lot about how much time they spent watching rather than doing. But I also know going back to limits (which were pretty strict a year ago) isn’t the way to go either. Its so hard to find that sweet spot that resides somewhere between a “free for all” which is where I feel we have gone at times and strict limits.

Is it very cold where you are (like its very very hot here)? The weather outside for us means they’re inside lots more and they do get bored, especially our 9.5 year old (who I worry about the most). I wonder whether that influences the time spent doing more contracted things like pc, ipad, tv, as opposed to when the weather outside beckons and everyone feels more spread out, if that makes sense.

Also, not really directly related to unschooling at all, just from another mum with a few kids, that of course a new baby in the house (as you would know of course having already had 4!) is a huge period of readjustment for everyone and not the least being, the children. Don’t compare yourself now to how you are when your youngest is say 3. I would look back and see how hugely influential the hormones are at this time, the fatigue and how much different one feels (and more active and level headed) compared with two weeks postpartum!

[Non-text portions of this message have been removed]

Megan Valnes

-=-Don't compare your unschooling to an imaginary ideal. Compare it to your alternatives. Right now, you have a new baby.-=-

Yes, and I need to be reminded of this sometimes, as silly as that seems. I would in no way like to be worrying about school, homework, bedtimes, wake up times, etc--the alternative of unschooling. I have no desire to follow a curriculum with my children and neither do they. The reality is I did just have a baby and right now we're all working into our new groove with new baby in the house.

I did subscribe to Pam's intro to unschooling, but sort of skipped out on some of the reading, so I'll be taking time these next few weeks to really go over that material.

Warmly,
Megan


Megan Valnes

Hi Kirsty,

Thanks for your reply. You are correct that I am a get-out-of-the-house type of mom and so being stuck inside the past couple weeks has seemed to turn up the volume of the little voice of doubt that I can usually keep down. After reading your and Sandra's reply, I began to think that maybe this is a bit like our summer vacation, of the unschooling world.  Except that the kids are still learning and actually seem quite happy.  I can see how I am projecting my worries onto them. 

Lately, I have been making a real effort to get my oldest son (10) online with his PS4 so he can make friends with other kids. Finally, tonight, a few kids we have been trying to connect with via unschooling gamers, have friended him and they are all playing in a Minecraft world together. Hearing him in there having so much fun talking while playing has made my night. My younger son bought a new game for his iPad and has been spending the evening figuring out how to play it, which also brings him and me joy. 

Right now our weather is a bit cooler than usual, but still nice. We are in Southern California, so weather is usually pretty brilliant. I'm just used to getting out every day and taking the kids around the block on bikes, going to parks, playing outside, seeing movies, going to the beach or pier--activities. In the reflection that has come since posting this morning, I have realized that what is really bothering lately is other people's judgement of what we're doing in our own family. The conventional world tells us that kids need less "screen time", more outdoor time, less candy, more vegetables. Sometimes, I become suseptible to these conventional ideas. I start to worry what other people must think of me and how I mother--do I seem like some irresponsible mother that lets her kids do whatever they please? Even though I know I'm not that person, I find myself worrying about how other people see me. And then there's the part of me that worries because my sons (my boys are more into the technology stuff than the girls) seem so attached to their respective technologies. If I take them somewhere, it seems they just can't wait to get home and get back to their iPads and games. And I think: will they be socially awkward? Will they be able to connect with people without the technology? 

And being the woman that I am--I love being out in the world--being home is just plain hard on me. And yet, as I reflect on all of this, I see this time inside is so very necessary. We are safe inside this cocoon right now. We seem to really and finally be deschooling on a very essential level. We have very much been deschooling all along, but right now I'm forced to just be here and not be distracted with outside world things. This is a chance for the kids and me to just hang together. Hang around the house, watch shows, watch movies, laugh, chill. 

Our parenting journey has been such a twisty path. We began with no TV, I swore we'd never have video games. I swore my kids would see organic blueberries as candy and if they started a sport, they would damn well continue it until they were 18. So many of my philosophies have done a complete 180. We are all so much happier now--but so different than so many around us, and perhaps this is what eats at me when I close my eyes and the worries creep in. The concern that they will live at home until they're 40 and quit everything that feels too difficult for them.  

And then, finally, there is the fact that I am two weeks post partum! And definitely not my most level-headed. I'm not normally a worrier, so worrying so much is new to me. Our family is going through a huge readjustment right now and I am so grateful for this group. Reading about other's experiences really helps and inspires me. 






Warmly,
Megan





On Thu, Jan 29, 2015 at 3:56 PM, 'Greg and Kirsty Harriman' kgharriman1@... [AlwaysLearning] <[email protected]> wrote:
 

One other thing that occurred to me after I posted that last reply was that I recall from one of your earlier posts how you like to get out and about a lot, ie. OUT of the house. Please correct me if I am mistaken on that. I remember wondering if you felt like you were really unschooling if you were out in the world all the time running about doing lots, seeing lots, etc. rather than hanging at home. If that’s the voice in your head that says unschooling = out of house, then of course if your’re feeling housebound with a new baby then that feeling could be quite amplified at this time.
 
Just a thought.


Megan Valnes

Sam and moderators, thank you--that did make me smile! I'm breathing. New baby, new life, settle down Megan.






Warmly,
Megan





On Thu, Jan 29, 2015 at 8:05 PM, Sam rainmountain1@... [AlwaysLearning] <[email protected]> wrote:
 

Sorry Megan, I forgot to add. She also didn't like bathing. Still doesn't! It's easier not to worry about it too much! (She's not muddy, she at least looks clean!)

As my mum said when I voiced my worries to her 'oh with children you just have to let them be dirty ;)

I hope that's ok to put that in, moderators, I just thought it might make Megan smile.

Sam

Sent from my iPhone

On 29 Jan 2015, at 23:35, "'Greg and Kirsty Harriman' kgharriman1@... [AlwaysLearning]" <[email protected]> wrote:

 

Firstly, Congratulations on your new baby Megan .

I feel the same (except that I haven’t just had a new baby), with four children each about 6 months younger than Megan’s. We also have been on this unschooling path for about a year and I STILL struggle with the amount of time they spend on devices, in front of tv or computer. Our eldest two girls had an early childhood which involved very limited tv, no computer, and no devices so I remember how they used to spend their time and I do feel sad that so much time is now spent sitting and watching things. I have read and read and read, and its extremely difficult to shed my conditioning that says time spent watching things is not as valuable as time spent doing things/using imagination etc.

I don’t try and “get my kids to” bathe, though, for example... I do ask them if they are going to have a bath and have learnt to be okay if not. Its not the end of the world if they don’t have a bath every day or even every second day. Its really okay and its only been my conditioning that causes that nails on a chalkboard feeling that its not okay. Bathing is an easy one for me though. Not so, dinner. we still do request the kids come to the table and we say grace. We ask they leave their respective activities to come together as a family, and with their Dad who is at work all day. They do, and they know they can pause and return. They also know they don’t have to eat anything if they’re not hungry. I have dropped pretty much every other mealtime, every other ounce of structure our lives ever had. Dinner time (we call it tea time) is one point of togetherness, an anchor point in the day, no matter how brief, that we continue to enjoy.

I wanted to say I relate to your concerns about your 6 year old. Our 5 year old son spends oodles of time watching and learning with Stampy Minecraft Youtube videos and playing Minecraft (which I really like, btw). Paradoxically, while I have facilitated and enabled him to explore his love of Minecraft (freeing room on the pc yesterday to re-install it so he can play the PC version, buying mags and books to help know how to play which I read too), I have this little head voice saying “he’s a little boy and should not be watching things all day.. he should be moving and playing with his toys etc... “ . The thing is, he DOES do these things, in spurts. He does go outside when its cooler (its hot summer here) and plays and digs, plays with sticks and ropes, and does little boy rambunctious things. I try really hard to not pass on my biases on and allow him to explore in ways he wants to, whatever form that takes. My internal battle does keep me awake at night worrying, like you, whether removing limits on media is in the kids’ best interests. I worry a lot about how much time they spent watching rather than doing. But I also know going back to limits (which were pretty strict a year ago) isn’t the way to go either. Its so hard to find that sweet spot that resides somewhere between a “free for all” which is where I feel we have gone at times and strict limits.

Is it very cold where you are (like its very very hot here)? The weather outside for us means they’re inside lots more and they do get bored, especially our 9.5 year old (who I worry about the most). I wonder whether that influences the time spent doing more contracted things like pc, ipad, tv, as opposed to when the weather outside beckons and everyone feels more spread out, if that makes sense.

Also, not really directly related to unschooling at all, just from another mum with a few kids, that of course a new baby in the house (as you would know of course having already had 4!) is a huge period of readjustment for everyone and not the least being, the children. Don’t compare yourself now to how you are when your youngest is say 3. I would look back and see how hugely influential the hormones are at this time, the fatigue and how much different one feels (and more active and level headed) compared with two weeks postpartum!

[Non-text portions of this message have been removed]


Megan Valnes

And I apologize, I forgot to spell check my email before I sent it and there were a few errors.  Please excuse my spelling typos!






Warmly,
Megan





On Thu, Jan 29, 2015 at 8:56 PM, Megan Valnes <meganvalnes@...> wrote:
Sam and moderators, thank you--that did make me smile! I'm breathing. New baby, new life, settle down Megan.






Warmly,
Megan





On Thu, Jan 29, 2015 at 8:05 PM, Sam rainmountain1@... [AlwaysLearning] <[email protected]> wrote:
 

Sorry Megan, I forgot to add. She also didn't like bathing. Still doesn't! It's easier not to worry about it too much! (She's not muddy, she at least looks clean!)

As my mum said when I voiced my worries to her 'oh with children you just have to let them be dirty ;)

I hope that's ok to put that in, moderators, I just thought it might make Megan smile.

Sam

Sent from my iPhone

On 29 Jan 2015, at 23:35, "'Greg and Kirsty Harriman' kgharriman1@... [AlwaysLearning]" <[email protected]> wrote:

 

Firstly, Congratulations on your new baby Megan .

I feel the same (except that I haven’t just had a new baby), with four children each about 6 months younger than Megan’s. We also have been on this unschooling path for about a year and I STILL struggle with the amount of time they spend on devices, in front of tv or computer. Our eldest two girls had an early childhood which involved very limited tv, no computer, and no devices so I remember how they used to spend their time and I do feel sad that so much time is now spent sitting and watching things. I have read and read and read, and its extremely difficult to shed my conditioning that says time spent watching things is not as valuable as time spent doing things/using imagination etc.

I don’t try and “get my kids to” bathe, though, for example... I do ask them if they are going to have a bath and have learnt to be okay if not. Its not the end of the world if they don’t have a bath every day or even every second day. Its really okay and its only been my conditioning that causes that nails on a chalkboard feeling that its not okay. Bathing is an easy one for me though. Not so, dinner. we still do request the kids come to the table and we say grace. We ask they leave their respective activities to come together as a family, and with their Dad who is at work all day. They do, and they know they can pause and return. They also know they don’t have to eat anything if they’re not hungry. I have dropped pretty much every other mealtime, every other ounce of structure our lives ever had. Dinner time (we call it tea time) is one point of togetherness, an anchor point in the day, no matter how brief, that we continue to enjoy.

I wanted to say I relate to your concerns about your 6 year old. Our 5 year old son spends oodles of time watching and learning with Stampy Minecraft Youtube videos and playing Minecraft (which I really like, btw). Paradoxically, while I have facilitated and enabled him to explore his love of Minecraft (freeing room on the pc yesterday to re-install it so he can play the PC version, buying mags and books to help know how to play which I read too), I have this little head voice saying “he’s a little boy and should not be watching things all day.. he should be moving and playing with his toys etc... “ . The thing is, he DOES do these things, in spurts. He does go outside when its cooler (its hot summer here) and plays and digs, plays with sticks and ropes, and does little boy rambunctious things. I try really hard to not pass on my biases on and allow him to explore in ways he wants to, whatever form that takes. My internal battle does keep me awake at night worrying, like you, whether removing limits on media is in the kids’ best interests. I worry a lot about how much time they spent watching rather than doing. But I also know going back to limits (which were pretty strict a year ago) isn’t the way to go either. Its so hard to find that sweet spot that resides somewhere between a “free for all” which is where I feel we have gone at times and strict limits.

Is it very cold where you are (like its very very hot here)? The weather outside for us means they’re inside lots more and they do get bored, especially our 9.5 year old (who I worry about the most). I wonder whether that influences the time spent doing more contracted things like pc, ipad, tv, as opposed to when the weather outside beckons and everyone feels more spread out, if that makes sense.

Also, not really directly related to unschooling at all, just from another mum with a few kids, that of course a new baby in the house (as you would know of course having already had 4!) is a huge period of readjustment for everyone and not the least being, the children. Don’t compare yourself now to how you are when your youngest is say 3. I would look back and see how hugely influential the hormones are at this time, the fatigue and how much different one feels (and more active and level headed) compared with two weeks postpartum!

[Non-text portions of this message have been removed]



Sandra Dodd

-=- If I take them somewhere, it seems they just can't wait to get home and get back to their iPads and games. And I think: will they be socially awkward?-=-

There is something they love so much, at home, that they can't wait to get back to it.
Wouldn't it be great if that was true of everyone in the world? :-)

Sandra

Joy

I would like to offer additional point that when kids are at home, there are many hours on hand than they are in school. When they are in school, you cannot assume they are learning all those 8-10 hours. Having those many hours at home sometimes makes playing games seem very long. 

Enjoy your new baby 

Joy

Sent from my iPhone

On Jan 30, 2015, at 5:57 AM, Megan Valnes meganvalnes@... [AlwaysLearning] <[email protected]> wrote:

 

And I apologize, I forgot to spell check my email before I sent it and there were a few errors.  Please excuse my spelling typos!






Warmly,
Megan





On Thu, Jan 29, 2015 at 8:56 PM, Megan Valnes <meganvalnes@...> wrote:
Sam and moderators, thank you--that did make me smile! I'm breathing. New baby, new life, settle down Megan.






Warmly,
Megan





On Thu, Jan 29, 2015 at 8:05 PM, Sam rainmountain1@... [AlwaysLearning] <[email protected]> wrote:
 

Sorry Megan, I forgot to add. She also didn't like bathing. Still doesn't! It's easier not to worry about it too much! (She's not muddy, she at least looks clean!)

As my mum said when I voiced my worries to her 'oh with children you just have to let them be dirty ;)

I hope that's ok to put that in, moderators, I just thought it might make Megan smile.

Sam

Sent from my iPhone

On 29 Jan 2015, at 23:35, "'Greg and Kirsty Harriman' kgharriman1@... [AlwaysLearning]" <[email protected]> wrote:

 

Firstly, Congratulations on your new baby Megan .

I feel the same (except that I haven’t just had a new baby), with four children each about 6 months younger than Megan’s. We also have been on this unschooling path for about a year and I STILL struggle with the amount of time they spend on devices, in front of tv or computer. Our eldest two girls had an early childhood which involved very limited tv, no computer, and no devices so I remember how they used to spend their time and I do feel sad that so much time is now spent sitting and watching things. I have read and read and read, and its extremely difficult to shed my conditioning that says time spent watching things is not as valuable as time spent doing things/using imagination etc.

I don’t try and “get my kids to” bathe, though, for example... I do ask them if they are going to have a bath and have learnt to be okay if not. Its not the end of the world if they don’t have a bath every day or even every second day. Its really okay and its only been my conditioning that causes that nails on a chalkboard feeling that its not okay. Bathing is an easy one for me though. Not so, dinner. we still do request the kids come to the table and we say grace. We ask they leave their respective activities to come together as a family, and with their Dad who is at work all day. They do, and they know they can pause and return. They also know they don’t have to eat anything if they’re not hungry. I have dropped pretty much every other mealtime, every other ounce of structure our lives ever had. Dinner time (we call it tea time) is one point of togetherness, an anchor point in the day, no matter how brief, that we continue to enjoy.

I wanted to say I relate to your concerns about your 6 year old. Our 5 year old son spends oodles of time watching and learning with Stampy Minecraft Youtube videos and playing Minecraft (which I really like, btw). Paradoxically, while I have facilitated and enabled him to explore his love of Minecraft (freeing room on the pc yesterday to re-install it so he can play the PC version, buying mags and books to help know how to play which I read too), I have this little head voice saying “he’s a little boy and should not be watching things all day.. he should be moving and playing with his toys etc... “ . The thing is, he DOES do these things, in spurts. He does go outside when its cooler (its hot summer here) and plays and digs, plays with sticks and ropes, and does little boy rambunctious things. I try really hard to not pass on my biases on and allow him to explore in ways he wants to, whatever form that takes. My internal battle does keep me awake at night worrying, like you, whether removing limits on media is in the kids’ best interests. I worry a lot about how much time they spent watching rather than doing. But I also know going back to limits (which were pretty strict a year ago) isn’t the way to go either. Its so hard to find that sweet spot that resides somewhere between a “free for all” which is where I feel we have gone at times and strict limits.

Is it very cold where you are (like its very very hot here)? The weather outside for us means they’re inside lots more and they do get bored, especially our 9.5 year old (who I worry about the most). I wonder whether that influences the time spent doing more contracted things like pc, ipad, tv, as opposed to when the weather outside beckons and everyone feels more spread out, if that makes sense.

Also, not really directly related to unschooling at all, just from another mum with a few kids, that of course a new baby in the house (as you would know of course having already had 4!) is a huge period of readjustment for everyone and not the least being, the children. Don’t compare yourself now to how you are when your youngest is say 3. I would look back and see how hugely influential the hormones are at this time, the fatigue and how much different one feels (and more active and level headed) compared with two weeks postpartum!

[Non-text portions of this message have been removed]



CASS KOTRBA

Hey Megan,

Glad to hear that your newest family member arrived safely.  It seems like this time is a good opportunity for you to take stock of where you are and think about where you all want to be headed.  I think it's great to check in with those feelings of anxiety and take the time to think it through and find the source of uncomfortable feelings.  It seems like you are using this time wisely.

-=-  Lately, I have been making a real effort to get my oldest son (10) online with his PS4 so he can make friends with other kids. Finally, tonight, a few kids we have been trying to connect with via unschooling gamers, have friended him and they are all playing in a Minecraft world together.  -=-

On a side note, my son is also 10 and would love to have some online, unschooling friends.  I have made some efforts on his  behalf but he is a bit nervous & uncomfortable meeting new people so we have yet to find a good connection.  You mention that this is a new connection for your son as well so I am wondering if possibly they'd like another player.  He does have a PS4 but does not currently have minecraft for it.  He has minecraft on his laptop & xbox360 but we could get it for PS4 as well if that's where they're playing.  He also has a number of other games he plays.  If you are interested in trying to hook them up, with the group or not, feel free to contact me directly.  (We are open to meeting other kids as well, so anyone else would also be welcome to contact me directly.)   I am also on Facebook.  :-D
-Cass

Alex

Why would you encourage a child to make friends online? That's not real interaction.... I find the while idea disturbing. Kids need real interaction. Your kid is not a robot.

Sent from my iPhone

On Jan 30, 2015, at 8:21 AM, "CASS KOTRBA caskot@... [AlwaysLearning]" <[email protected]> wrote:

 

Hey Megan,

Glad to hear that your newest family member arrived safely.  It seems like this time is a good opportunity for you to take stock of where you are and think about where you all want to be headed.  I think it's great to check in with those feelings of anxiety and take the time to think it through and find the source of uncomfortable feelings.  It seems like you are using this time wisely.

-=-  Lately, I have been making a real effort to get my oldest son (10) online with his PS4 so he can make friends with other kids. Finally, tonight, a few kids we have been trying to connect with via unschooling gamers, have friended him and they are all playing in a Minecraft world together.  -=-

On a side note, my son is also 10 and would love to have some online, unschooling friends.  I have made some efforts on his  behalf but he is a bit nervous & uncomfortable meeting new people so we have yet to find a good connection.  You mention that this is a new connection for your son as well so I am wondering if possibly they'd like another player.  He does have a PS4 but does not currently have minecraft for it.  He has minecraft on his laptop & xbox360 but we could get it for PS4 as well if that's where they're playing.  He also has a number of other games he plays.  If you are interested in trying to hook them up, with the group or not, feel free to contact me directly.  (We are open to meeting other kids as well, so anyone else would also be welcome to contact me directly.)   I am also on Facebook.  :-D
-Cass

Stacey Valnes

Actually, he is a robot. 

⚫️💲🔴💲🔵💲

On Jan 30, 2015, at 2:10 PM, Alex alexandralee7@... [AlwaysLearning] <[email protected]> wrote:

 

Why would you encourage a child to make friends online? That's not real interaction.... I find the while idea disturbing. Kids need real interaction. Your kid is not a robot.

Sent from my iPhone

On Jan 30, 2015, at 8:21 AM, "CASS KOTRBA caskot@... [AlwaysLearning]" <[email protected]> wrote:

 

Hey Megan,

Glad to hear that your newest family member arrived safely.  It seems like this time is a good opportunity for you to take stock of where you are and think about where you all want to be headed.  I think it's great to check in with those feelings of anxiety and take the time to think it through and find the source of uncomfortable feelings.  It seems like you are using this time wisely.

-=-  Lately, I have been making a real effort to get my oldest son (10) online with his PS4 so he can make friends with other kids. Finally, tonight, a few kids we have been trying to connect with via unschooling gamers, have friended him and they are all playing in a Minecraft world together.  -=-

On a side note, my son is also 10 and would love to have some online, unschooling friends.  I have made some efforts on his  behalf but he is a bit nervous & uncomfortable meeting new people so we have yet to find a good connection.  You mention that this is a new connection for your son as well so I am wondering if possibly they'd like another player.  He does have a PS4 but does not currently have minecraft for it.  He has minecraft on his laptop & xbox360 but we could get it for PS4 as well if that's where they're playing.  He also has a number of other games he plays.  If you are interested in trying to hook them up, with the group or not, feel free to contact me directly.  (We are open to meeting other kids as well, so anyone else would also be welcome to contact me directly.)   I am also on Facebook.  :-D
-Cass

Stacey Valnes

This was super cool to listen too. Our 10 year old was animated, happy, present, having a blast. It was a wonderful sound.  I was truly delighted. 

⚫️💲🔴💲🔵💲

On Jan 30, 2015, at 8:21 AM, CASS KOTRBA caskot@... [AlwaysLearning] <[email protected]> wrote:

 

Hey Megan,

Glad to hear that your newest family member arrived safely.  It seems like this time is a good opportunity for you to take stock of where you are and think about where you all want to be headed.  I think it's great to check in with those feelings of anxiety and take the time to think it through and find the source of uncomfortable feelings.  It seems like you are using this time wisely.

-=-  Lately, I have been making a real effort to get my oldest son (10) online with his PS4 so he can make friends with other kids. Finally, tonight, a few kids we have been trying to connect with via unschooling gamers, have friended him and they are all playing in a Minecraft world together.  -=-

On a side note, my son is also 10 and would love to have some online, unschooling friends.  I have made some efforts on his  behalf but he is a bit nervous & uncomfortable meeting new people so we have yet to find a good connection.  You mention that this is a new connection for your son as well so I am wondering if possibly they'd like another player.  He does have a PS4 but does not currently have minecraft for it.  He has minecraft on his laptop & xbox360 but we could get it for PS4 as well if that's where they're playing.  He also has a number of other games he plays.  If you are interested in trying to hook them up, with the group or not, feel free to contact me directly.  (We are open to meeting other kids as well, so anyone else would also be welcome to contact me directly.)   I am also on Facebook.  :-D
-Cass

Sandra Dodd

-=-
Why would you encourage a child to make friends online? That's not real interaction.... I find the while idea disturbing. Kids need real interaction. Your kid is not a robot.

Sent from my iPhone
-=-

By a robot? Send from an iPhone by a ROBOT!?

Do you think I'm a robot? Is this a real interaction? Are you disturbed by it?

-=-Why would you encourage a child to make friends online? -=-

When I was a kid, people had penpals—wrote paper letters to people in other places. MANY of those people met in person, visited back and forth. One set (that I know of) got married, years later.

There have been many dozens of unschooling conferences over the past twenty years. Every single one was organized by people who knew each other from an online interaction OR they invited speakers they had "met" online. And at those conferences, people met others they only knew online.

The first out-of-state homeschooling conference I ever attended, those of us who "only" knew each other from the AOL discussions wore name tags with our AOL names on them. I was using SandraDodd. Most of them were using made-ujp this-or-that, which might be part of why you woudln't know their names if I told them right now. But I DID meet them in person and some are still friends of my family's now.

I have visited people in a dozen states, or they've visited me—in half a dozen foreign countries—that I met online.

Why would you discourage a child from making friends online? It IS real interaction, and could lead to many rich in-person experiences, or to jobs, speaking at conferences, or marriage.

Sandra

Tam Palmer

My son has online friends. They are other real human beings that he's communicating with via text/skype/video. Their conversations are real. Their fun is real. Their laughter is real (and contagious!) Their arguments, when they have them, are real. Their process of working through that and usually making up is real. Their connection is real. On the occasions he has met up with any of them in person, they're still real people, with the real history of friendship they've forged online.
Our kids don't live in the last century, with penpals and waiting several weeks for a letter from the other side of the world. They live here and now in this exciting time where they can not only log onto Skype and immediately see and chat with someone on another continent, and joke, chat and banter, they can also play together, collaborate on games and worlds and missions online in real time. That's absolutely real. The friendship, the play, the learning, it's all real, and in a form that's as natural to them as playing with the kids in the same street, because they've grown up with it as a real option.

Tam


Sent from my iPhone

On 30 Jan 2015, at 18:53, Alex alexandralee7@... [AlwaysLearning] <[email protected]> wrote:

 

Why would you encourage a child to make friends online? That's not real interaction.... I find the while idea disturbing. Kids need real interaction. Your kid is not a robot.

Sent from my iPhone






 

 • Reply to sender • Reply to group • Start a New Topic • .

Sandra Dodd

I started a new topic for discussing online friendships, because it's big, and real!!

Thanks for what you've written, Tam.
I'm taking it over there. :-)

Sandra

Clare Kirkpatrick

"Why would you encourage a child to make friends online? That's not real interaction.... I find the while idea disturbing. Kids need real interaction. Your kid is not a robot."

I have a good many friends whom I have never met in person and know only via the Internet. They, aling with friends I spend a lot of in person time with, are very dear to me. I know several very happily married couples who met online. It's very outdated now to see online interactions as not being real or having value.


Sent from Samsung Mobile

BRIAN POLIKOWSKY

>>>>>>>>>>>>>>
Why would you encourage a child to make friends online? That's not real interaction.... I find the while idea disturbing. Kids need real interaction. Your kid is not a robot.
 >>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>

It is not???

Could have fooled me and my family!!

I met my husband online. Flew out to another far way state to meet him after meeting him online. Trusted enough that I spent 9 days with him. But I guess our interaction online was not real. Who knew?

My daughter has many online friends. She has met a couple in real life. She exchanges cards, gifts and  has very real interactions with them.

Some of my best friends I met online!. Some I have met in real life after many years of "not real" interactions!
Some I still have not met but I feel like they are my very dear close friends who I absolutely love.

My childhood best friend lives in another country. We are as close today as we were. I  am so thankful we have online ways to keep in touch . Just called her today from Facebook for free and chatted with her for hours.

I have not seen my dad in almost 15 years in person. But I see and talk to him online on Skype. That is how my kids have met him.

To think online interactions are not real is dismissive of all of the above and much more.

I am very thankful my daughter has many wonderful online friends that she  loves and  has so much fun with them. They are real! As much as my dear friends who I interact online everyday!




Alex Polikowsky
 
 
 
Posted by: Alex <alexandralee7@...>