Rinelle

My daughter loves playing computer games, and so do the rest of the family! Some we all enjoy together (Minecraft!), and other’s only some of us like (my daughter and I both love sims, while she and her dad love playing nintendo games together). The issue I’m having is that my daughter wants us to play particular games. For example, she really wants her dad to play sims. He’s willing to give it a go for her, but as soon as he sits down to play, she wants to set up a huge family for him, with 3 sims and 4 horses, then when he asks how to do something, she gives him a half answer in an annoyed voice, and says his sims are all going to die. Understandably, he finds this very frustrating!
 
I’m not sure why my daughter wants us all to play specific games in a specific way. It’s not that she wants to watch us, because she usually goes off and watches YouTube while we play. I’m at a loss what she is getting out of it, and how to make it more enjoyable for all involved. Her dad and I are usually willing to give a game a go, and often really enjoy playing them (her dad is actually getting a little into the sims), but it’s very hard to learn a new game when she basically insists on setting it up to be as difficult as possible.
 
I’d love some suggestions on how to handle this? Her knowledge of these games is way ahead of us in a lot of cases, as she spends a lot of time watching YouTube tutorials on them, or experimenting with them. Her dad and I have less time to do this, especially seeing as as soon as we sit down to play, she either wants to join in (and then has specific things she does or doesn’t want us to do), or she wants to do something different.
 
I’d love some new perspectives on this one!
 
Thanks,
 
Tamara

Joyce Fetteroll

> On Dec 9, 2014, at 3:01 AM, 'Rinelle' rinelle@... wrote:
>
> as as soon as we sit down to play, she either wants to join in (and then has specific things she does or doesn’t want us to do), or she wants to do something different.

How old is she? It's probably age related.

It sounds like a need to control and have power. She sounds like a budding director or general but doesn't yet have the skills to lead, just boss people around ;-)

If you "beat" her challenge is she interested? Or has she totally lost interest once she gets you set up?

Is there something going on in her life that she feels isn't in her control? Is she transitioning to new interests that she doesn't feel competent at? There may be some desire to see others fail because she's feeling incompetent at something.

If it's about control, maybe what would help is some matter-of-fact feedback. Then let it percolate for her so she can grow an understanding of how leading and bossing are different. Say, for instance, "That's not fun for me. I like to set up my own Sims." "I'd love to play with you but I there are other things I'd rather do on my own." If she does have a natural inclination to lead, she'll need feedback that the troops need to be kept happy or there will be rebellion ;-)

Joyce

Rinelle

From: Joyce Fetteroll jfetteroll@... [AlwaysLearning]


> How old is she? It's probably age related.


Forgot to mention that! She's 10


> It sounds like a need to control and have power. She sounds like a budding
> director or general but doesn't yet have the skills to lead, just boss
> people
> around ;-)


Yes, it does feel a little like a need to control. She's always liked to be
the one in charge. It does occur to me as well that it could be an attempt
to make it 'fun' for us. She wants us to play the way she finds fun. It
could also be a need to be right, as in she's playing the right way, so
everyone else is.


> If you "beat" her challenge is she interested? Or has she totally lost
> interest once she gets you set up?


It's not really a challenge, I don't think. She will come by and comment on
things (she just said to her dad, who's playing sims, "I can't believe your
character isn't dead yet."


> Is there something going on in her life that she feels isn't in her
> control? Is she transitioning to new interests that she doesn't feel
> competent at? There
> may be some desire to see others fail because she's feeling incompetent at
> something.


Possibly. We've had some hard times here lately, that could be affecting
her, and she also has a lot of friends who are a couple of years older, and
thus more competent than her at some things (and not at others.) She has
younger friends as well, but she tends to only compare herself to those who
are better than she is!


> If it's about control, maybe what would help is some matter-of-fact
> feedback. Then let it percolate for her so she can grow an understanding
> of how
> leading and bossing are different. Say, for instance, "That's not fun for
> me. I like to set up my own Sims." "I'd love to play with you but I there
> are
> other things I'd rather do on my own." If she does have a natural
> inclination to lead, she'll need feedback that the troops need to be kept
> happy or
> there will be rebellion ;-)


This is my inclination, but when I have tried it, she gets angry, and her
reply lately is "Do you think I care?" I did calmly reply that if she wanted
people to play with her, and her method of interacting with them was causing
them to not want to play with her, then she might care. I don't know if I'm
saying it in the wrong way, or just that it's going to take time? I try not
to say too much, since she doesn't really like lots of talking (especially
if she feels that she might be doing something wrong, she's very sensitive
to that), but this topic has come up quite a bit over the last year or two,
so maybe she's heard it too much? She isn't like this with her friends, just
her dad and I.

Sandra Dodd

-=-This is my inclination, but when I have tried it, she gets angry, and her 
reply lately is "Do you think I care?" I did calmly reply that if she wanted 
people to play with her, and her method of interacting with them was causing 
them to not want to play with her, then she might care. I don't know if I'm 
saying it in the wrong way, or just that it's going to take time?-=-

If someone said “Do you think I care?” I hope I would say “I’m glad you don’t” or “I wish you did.”  Short, true, let her think about it.


-=- I try not 
to say too much, since she doesn't really like lots of talking (especially 
if she feels that she might be doing something wrong, she's very sensitive 
to that), -=-

The example you gave above seemed long.  Many words, for just having been bullied.

-=-...but this topic has come up quite a bit over the last year or two, 
so maybe she's heard it too much? She isn't like this with her friends, just 
her dad and I. -=-

Find friends to play with her, then, maybe.  If she can play better with kids than with you, maybe sometime when you’re not near the games and she’s receptive (or there are a few hours for her to think before another opportunity comes up), perhaps the question to ask would be “Why are you different with us, about games, than your friends?”

Don’t go on with explanations.  Let her do the thinking.  She might not know the answer, and she might not have thought about it, but you will have put the idea out.

If she’s mean, you could say “I don’t want to play with ANYbody who’s mean to me, not even you.”

-=-if she feels that she might be doing something wrong, she's very sensitive to that)-=-

But it IS wrong.  
Talking too much is wrong too. :-)
But is what she is doing isn’t kind, you don’t need to stick around for it, nor to try to sooth her feelings as though she wasn’t doing anything wrong.

Maybe you could just say “be kind” when she’s being strident or bossy.  Or “I don’t want to” (not in a rude way, but in a matter-of-fact way).

Sandra

Joyce Fetteroll

> On Dec 9, 2014, at 6:11 AM, 'Rinelle' rinelle@... wrote:
>
> This is my inclination, but when I have tried it, she gets angry, and her
> reply lately is "Do you think I care?"

I would try to stay emotionally detached from her words. Don't take them personally. It will make it easier to say, "That's too bad," as a fact rather than feeling responsible for her feeling like she doesn't care.

She may be looking for buttons to push especially if there have been some difficult times recently. And being at the edge of puberty doesn't help. That 10-12 age range can be wobbly as they transition from child interests to more mature interests.

If you can see her as a 10 yo struggling with some issues rather than *your* struggling 10 yo whom you desperately want to help, that will probably help. It's sometimes easier to find the right thing to say to someone else's child because you don't feel like you need to take responsibility for the child's emotions. You can let the child have their own feelings about things. Then you can respond to the child rather than trying to fix them. If that makes sense.

Joyce

semajrak@...

<<For example, she really wants her dad to play sims. He’s willing to give it a go for her, but as soon as he sits down to play, she wants to set up a huge family for him, with 3 sims and 4 horses, then when he asks how to do something, she gives him a half answer in an annoyed voice, and says his sims are all going to die.>> 

My son loves to set up challenges for people too, and then watch how they navigate them.  Usually his challenges aren't intended to be so hard that one would fail, but they are hard enough to make them...well, very challenging.  :-)  And, sometimes we do fail.

He and his dad like to play Starcraft 2 together, so Ethan will set up over-the-top hero characters or map challenges for Doug to battle or navigate through.  Ethan likes to give Doug room to figure out a way through the challenge, so he will often go and do something else while Doug plays. Sometimes he watches or pops in and out.  When he does, he might comment on how Doug can help himself, or he'll remark that he's impressed or surprised that he beat the challenge or some feature of it.
  
Both his dad and I aim to give it our very best shot when we tackle these challenges of Ethan's.  Ethan doesn't like a lot of questions, because he wants to see us solving the problem ourselves for whatever reason.  Actually, I think the reason is because he, himself, really enjoys solving problems, and he wants to share that experience with us.  But, he will answer questions if we are really stuck.  He gets a thrill out of seeing us work hard on whatever project he's set up for us, so we do our best to show him he's been successful at challenging us.   

He's rarely unkind though, and I wouldn't play if he was.  I would just say "Be kind, Ethan."  If he continued, I would simply say "No.  I'm not playing that way."  I would elaborate if he asked why I stopped.  

For Ethan, the way a game is played is as fascinating to him as the game itself.  He loves to watch others play and be challenged by the game because it gives him a deeper understanding of the game mechanics.  He also loves to dream up and talk about new scenarios that one might find themselves in, and how we would play those out.  We play a lot of "What if...?" games about games around here.  

He does the same thing with board games.  He watches us play through a game once.  Then he likes to add features to the game to change it, and watch us play through again.  He gets so excited when unpredictable things happen and we're faced with dealing with them.  Doug and I are very playful about it, and quite ruthless with each other in a good spirited way.  It's a lot of fun for Ethan to see us working through these challenges he's made for us.  

I've used this analogy before, but it's a good one for me, and maybe it will be useful for someone else.  My mom uses her washing machine as intended -- to wash clothes.  My dad, up until recently, rarely used the washing machine for it's intended purpose.  He was much more interested in how it worked.  He's taken it apart many times to fix it or improve it's functioning.  He would ask my mom what she thought of his repairs or adjustments.  For him, the way the machine worked was more interesting than actually using the machine.  For my mom, she could care less how the machine worked, as long as it did what she wanted it to do.  

Ethan approaches games like a mechanic would a machine, I think.  He wants to get in there and take it all apart and see how it works.  Some people, most maybe, just want to play the game -- use the game for it's intended purpose.  Maybe your daughter also likes the mechanic's approach.  It's worth investigating!  :-)

Karen James.