goyette.christine@...

Last week my parents came by to pick something up. My son Max (3) was watching a video on my iPhone. He didn't want to interrupt his activity to say hi or bye. I felt sad for my parents though to have no interaction with him because he was so engaged. 


I was torn between respecting what he wanted to do and to make contact/conversation/ interaction possible. Even a quick hello. I ended up not saying anything past sharing excitedly that the grandparents are on their way up and let's say hi. He didn't want to, so I left it at that. 

My parents expressed sadness at him not even acknowledging them. My dad had said hi and Max said he didn't want to say hi now. He wanted to finish watching what he was doing. 

I didn't want to coerce him in any way to make contact but I also wanted to help him be respectful of other people's feelings. 

My question is not so much about saying "hi". When we go somewhere and he says "I don't want to say that" (after someone said hi) I asked if he wants me to say hi for him and he always says yes. My question is more about the being drawn into an activity (especially watching something on the iPhone) and therefore not being really present and ignoring the other(s).

A somewhat similar situation is when we go to be with his cousin (weekly playdate at my parent's house) and he wants to watch something. It feels impolite to go there and then not be with her. So far, I've tried to avoid the situation by saying I don't have my iphone with me. Ick!

I've been pondering this question a lot and realized that there is another component to my discomfort in those situations. I realized that the issue behind or on top is that I feel embarrassed/ashamed towards my parents and other family members and friends. I have made a few 180 degree turns in the last 9 months or so. I used to be adamant and controlling about tv and food.

I believed that electronics/tv/phone/games etc. were bad for your eyes (actually my personal experience) and made sedentary. 

I controlled the environment a lot. I asked my parents (whom we spent a lot of time with) to always turn the tv off when we came to visit. I would even leave early somewhere or avoid going at all if the tv was going to be on.

Now I lifted all the limits (there weren't any noticeable limits to my then 2 year old as I was successful controlling the environment so that he wasn't aware of the option). So now he can watch whenever with the exception when I'm ready for bed and want to sleep. Then I asked him to turn it off since he can't put himself to bed yet and we co-sleep. 

Now my parents are confused/critical of my behavior. Like I went all the way to the other side. 

I've been avoiding my parents. Christmas used to be my favorite holiday and now I even dread it trying to be on my son's side but also drawing everyone's attention to my new ways and being criticized, ridiculed or drawn into explaining. 

Thank you for any advice on my earlier question and also how to handle the confusion/criticism from changing my attitude 180 degrees.

Christine


Sandra Dodd

-=-I didn't want to coerce him in any way to make contact but I also wanted to help him be respectful of other people's feelings. -=-

He should not have had the iPhone, then, when they got there, I think. He could have been helping you get ready for the visit; you could have had music on that you were singing along to, you could be talking about what you might want to do to welcome them together.

-=-I didn't want to coerce him in any way to make contact but I also wanted to help him be respectful of other people's feelings. -=-

“Respectful of other people’s feelings” might be too high-level for a three-year-old, but LOOKING at people who come to your house, and smiling (with or without saying the exact word “hi”) is normal human behavior and not at all unreasonable to expect.

-=-When we go somewhere and he says "I don't want to say that" (after someone said hi) I asked if he wants me to say hi for him and he always says yes.-=-

Don’t ask, just do it.  Do it for your team.  The two of you make an impression together, as young as he is.  You can speak for the two of you and that will help him see how people interact.

-=-My question is more about the being drawn into an activity (especially watching something on the iPhone) and therefore not being really present and ignoring the other(s).-=-

He didn’t buy the iPhone, he doesn’t own the iPhone, you let him use the iPhone at a bad time.

-=-A somewhat similar situation is when we go to be with his cousin (weekly playdate at my parent's house) and he wants to watch something. It feels impolite to go there and then not be with her. So far, I've tried to avoid the situation by saying I don't have my iphone with me. Ick!-=-

Say in advance that it’s not a time to watch a video.  Don’t make it an option.  Don’t lie.  Say no, that it’s not the time.  Or say yes, in the car on the way home.

-=-I've been pondering this question a lot and realized that there is another component to my discomfort in those situations. I realized that the issue behind or on top is that I feel embarrassed/ashamed towards my parents and other family members and friends. I have made a few 180 degree turns in the last 9 months or so.-=-

If you make two 180 degree turns, you’re back where you started.  TOO much change confuses everyone, and not only will your parents lack confidence in your reason, but your child might, too.  

-=-Now I lifted all the limits. So now he can watch whenever with the exception when I'm ready for bed and want to sleep. Then I asked him to turn it off since he can't put himself to bed yet and we co-sleep. -=-

So YOU used to be in control and now HE is in control.
You kept the control, but you gave it away.

Better not to have control, but to have responsibility.  YOU have the responsibility for your team at this point.  He’s too little to know what’s good and right.

-=-I've been avoiding my parents. Christmas used to be my favorite holiday and now I even dread it trying to be on my son's side but also drawing everyone's attention to my new ways and being criticized, ridiculed or drawn into explaining. -=-

You should be able to explain it.  Or maybe buy them a copy of Pam Laricchia’s first book (Free to Learn), and say that’s the way you hope to be, but you moved too far too fast, and you’re trying to find a balancing point.

You DID move too far.  They have good reason to be confused and critical.  You DID go “all the way to the other side.”

Be honest with them, and with yourself.  It will help.

http://sandradodd.com/gradualchange
http://sandradodd.com/balance

Sandra


Yvonne Laborda

Sandra I love the way you explain some things... I am going to translate some of these paragraphs as some spanish friends and other families are in similar situations.
This list is great!
Thanks sandra, joice, Pam and many others...
A kiss from a spanish mum now living in scotland...

El 28/11/2014 04:04, "Sandra Dodd Sandra@... [AlwaysLearning]" <[email protected]> escribió:
 

-=-I didn't want to coerce him in any way to make contact but I also wanted to help him be respectful of other people's feelings. -=-


He should not have had the iPhone, then, when they got there, I think. He could have been helping you get ready for the visit; you could have had music on that you were singing along to, you could be talking about what you might want to do to welcome them together.

-=-I didn't want to coerce him in any way to make contact but I also wanted to help him be respectful of other people's feelings. -=-

“Respectful of other people’s feelings” might be too high-level for a three-year-old, but LOOKING at people who come to your house, and smiling (with or without saying the exact word “hi”) is normal human behavior and not at all unreasonable to expect.

-=-When we go somewhere and he says "I don't want to say that" (after someone said hi) I asked if he wants me to say hi for him and he always says yes.-=-

Don’t ask, just do it.  Do it for your team.  The two of you make an impression together, as young as he is.  You can speak for the two of you and that will help him see how people interact.

-=-My question is more about the being drawn into an activity (especially watching something on the iPhone) and therefore not being really present and ignoring the other(s).-=-

He didn’t buy the iPhone, he doesn’t own the iPhone, you let him use the iPhone at a bad time.

-=-A somewhat similar situation is when we go to be with his cousin (weekly playdate at my parent's house) and he wants to watch something. It feels impolite to go there and then not be with her. So far, I've tried to avoid the situation by saying I don't have my iphone with me. Ick!-=-

Say in advance that it’s not a time to watch a video.  Don’t make it an option.  Don’t lie.  Say no, that it’s not the time.  Or say yes, in the car on the way home.

-=-I've been pondering this question a lot and realized that there is another component to my discomfort in those situations. I realized that the issue behind or on top is that I feel embarrassed/ashamed towards my parents and other family members and friends. I have made a few 180 degree turns in the last 9 months or so.-=-

If you make two 180 degree turns, you’re back where you started.  TOO much change confuses everyone, and not only will your parents lack confidence in your reason, but your child might, too.  

-=-Now I lifted all the limits. So now he can watch whenever with the exception when I'm ready for bed and want to sleep. Then I asked him to turn it off since he can't put himself to bed yet and we co-sleep. -=-

So YOU used to be in control and now HE is in control.
You kept the control, but you gave it away.

Better not to have control, but to have responsibility.  YOU have the responsibility for your team at this point.  He’s too little to know what’s good and right.

-=-I've been avoiding my parents. Christmas used to be my favorite holiday and now I even dread it trying to be on my son's side but also drawing everyone's attention to my new ways and being criticized, ridiculed or drawn into explaining. -=-

You should be able to explain it.  Or maybe buy them a copy of Pam Laricchia’s first book (Free to Learn), and say that’s the way you hope to be, but you moved too far too fast, and you’re trying to find a balancing point.

You DID move too far.  They have good reason to be confused and critical.  You DID go “all the way to the other side.”

Be honest with them, and with yourself.  It will help.


Sandra


Sandra Dodd

Is Pam's book in Spanish yet? :-)
(Maybe leave that part out, or translate her book! :-)

To others who might not know, the Spanish mom living in Scotland is Yvonne Laborda, who was the translator for three video interviews of me, which are at the bottom of this page:
http://sandradodd.com/spanish/

And she translated Pam Sorooshian's article about child-led learning (and why it's not a good description of unschooling):

http://sandradodd.com/spanish/childled

She's also one of the therapists listed here (Spanish or English):
http://sandradodd.com/issues/therapy

Thanks for the kind words, Yvonne.

Sandra