Sandra Dodd

My 11 year old daughter is very bored at the moment. Not 'don't have anything to do right now' bored, but bored in general. She appears 'stuck'. I have three younger children. They often all appear bored at home and things I suggest are often not of interest to them - this is a years long pattern...nothing new! But the three younger ones see friends a lot, enjoy going to groups and are busier than my 11 year old, with things that they suddenly think of and go off to do. But my 11 year old, I'm starting to worry about. She has had little or no contact with her friends for quite some time now - just through circumstance (I try to arrange things and it's just tricky) and the fact she won't go to group things. I've tried suggesting things she and I can do together, thinking that some nice connecting time with me will help, but we've never found it easy to find common ground and it's no different now really. 

Occasionally we'll enjoy a game together; we were planning to watch some documentaries together again, but she's only interested in doing it when it's not possible to do so; she spends most waking hours in her room watching things on youtube in her pyjamas. She played with her sisters and an adult visitor this morning and then, after he'd left, minecraft with one of her sisters for half an hour before doing something that's becoming usual for her - suddenly stating 'I'm bored' and stopping abruptly. She used to be lit up by minecraft - made her own videos, played with lots of people online via Skype, making friends all over the country. Now she seems to have gone off that and appears to be left a bit empty. 

She goes to my parents' house (very close) and comes back animated and happy having been occupied the whole time with something meaningful, but something stops her doing anything like it in our house. The other day she started making biscuits and got bored half-way through and just left the mixture sitting on the side. I am arranging visits and such like for us all as a family - things she's asked for and looks forward to - and she seems a bit more upbeat for a little while afterwards, but then goes back to being morose and aimless-seeming. She doesn't ever want to go to group things. She and I don't get on very well in the same way she gets on with her Dad, who is very good at helping her out of slumpy feelings but who is out of the house a lot with his work. When I try to help her I just end up annoying her and then we both end up getting upset. I'm at a loss. 

I'd be very grateful if anyone could offer me a chink of light with which I could help her find that spark for something again. Many thanks.

Sandra Dodd

-=-My 11 year old daughter is very bored at the moment. Not 'don't have anything to do right now' bored, but bored in general. She appears 'stuck'. I have three younger children.-=-

I like the “at the moment” part.  It could easily be a temporary phase.  Maybe she is just literally stuck.

-=-She has had little or no contact with her friends for quite some time now - just through circumstance (I try to arrange things and it's just tricky) and the fact she won't go to group things. -=-

I dont like the “fact” part.
Maybe it’s temporary.

-=- The other day she started making biscuits and got bored half-way through and just left the mixture sitting on the side.=-

Did you finish them for her nicely, or find a way to keep it to finish later?    (You don’t need to tell us, but thinking through to what happened before, or what happened next, might help you see patterns or figure out what to do next time.)

I’ve started something and stopped partway through to finish later.  Cookies.  Cake.

-=-She goes to my parents' house (very close) and comes back animated and happy having been occupied the whole time with something meaningful, -=-

That sounds good!  Would your parents help you through this time by having her over more?  Maybe she needs more one-on-one, having three younger siblings.

-=- morose and aimless-seeming-=-

Maybe you irritate each other because you think of her as “aimless.”  As though she should have “an aim.”  “Morose “ is not an everyday word.  If you have that word inside you, or the phrase “morose and aimless,” did it come from the outside?  Did someone say that of you or a sibling?  I’m asking because it’s easy for a phase of a child’s life to trigger memories of our own lives.  And then the voices and recordings are triggered.

http://sandradodd.com/phrases

Sandra


Ali Zeljo


-=-My 11 year old daughter is very bored at the moment. Not 'don't have anything to do right now' bored, but bored in general. She appears 'stuck'. I have three younger children.-

Hi,  I also have an 11 year old (boy) who has been saying he's got a bored feeling in his tummy.  We talked about it a while yesterday.  He has a hard time explaining it, but said there's a feeling in his stomach that relates to thinking of old times.   It's an uncomfortable feeling for him.  It usually passes, but it makes me think he is extra aware of the process a young child goes through as he starts to grow out of younger interests and isn't quite into what is to come next?

We also have 2 younger boys (4&6) and I wonder if observing their play makes him ache for that, but it just doesn't work for him anymore.  He also has an older brother (14) who spent a bit of time around age 11 feeling sad and left out of life.  

Have you talked to your daughter about her Minecraft waning?  Perhaps she is ready for the next step?  Maybe she's frustrated by the same old play with the younger kids and is ready to do more advanced work?  If she made videos, have you asked her why she's stopped?  Maybe it's frustration by poor equipment?  Maybe she's stuck wanting to enhance with animation, music, etc but isn't sure how to do it?  

Warmly,
Ali


chris ester



On Mon, Nov 17, 2014 at 10:40 AM, Sandra Dodd Sandra@... [AlwaysLearning] <[email protected]> wrote:

>>>>>>>she spends most waking hours in her room watching things on youtube in her pyjamas.<<<<<<<

My daughter who loves music and is very interested in "Indie" music started watching hours and hours of Youtube at about the age of 11.  She started developing more grown up interests and embarking on some pretty major passions that are still a part of her life now as a young woman of 16.  

Do you ask your daughter about what she watches on Youtube?  Have you tried watching Youtube yourself?  It is amazing!  I asked my daughter to help me navigate Youtube and she advised me about setting up an account and such.  Perhaps you could connect with her around her expertise?  

My daughter and I are very different as well.  I have tried to listen more than I talk and to ask questions (in an open ended, happy way-- not a "explain yourself" way) about what she likes and does.  It has been a hard transition for me because I am a wordy, mouthy person.  
chris

Robyn Coburn

My daughter went through a similar period at about that age, particularly of having limited contact with her friends, but not wanting to attend the many group events that go on, even when her known friends attended. She also loved watching You-Tube videos of game play and other things. Repeatedly suggesting the same "solution" of going to the group events, did not help her, or our relationship. Being sympathetic, and organizing more one-on-one visits did help. 

One of the keys for Jayn is having access to Skype, so that she could (and can) connect with her friends. Now, four years on, she seems to have many friends that she speaks to daily, and she has three different technological paths to facilitate the interactions. (Phone, laptop, desktop computer - although the latter needs maintenance at the moment). Still she communicates directly in real time via Skype, as well as more slowly via Facebook, via Instagram, via Texting, and via in game chatting on WoW or other games. She and her friends will watch the same You Tube video "together", each on their own computers while chatting through another means. It is actually really cool. They also send each other memes or articles - like in the olden days when you had to clip the magazine column and mail it in an envelope. [NO nostalgia - this is way faster and easier.]

Anyway, I used to worry just a bit that she seemed lonely, but I also knew that she was intentionally choosing not to participate in most of the resources that were/are available to her. So it was better to respect her choices, not push stuff on her that just irritated her, and not get into a thought spiral that she was "missing out" or "not taking advantage of whatever". That kind of thinking gave me an anxious demeanor that made her want to push away.

Instead I cut way back on telling her about things going on. She wanted me to never, ever tell her about events happening in the homeschooling community (there is a lot here in Los Angeles) but never was too hard for me. So we made a deal that I would only occasionally mention events that sounded extremely cool that I heard of, and only once without pressure, and her side of it was that she would not get mad when she said "no". 

As a family we recently came up with the idea that we would each make a list of places that sounded interesting - mostly restaurants - that we wanted to go to. Many are in our local area, that is still new after one year (one year in our new house! Wow, so fast). Then next time we are bored or antsy, we have a ready made list of outings from which to choose. Still working on the lists - but there is an awesome donut place (cronuts!) just a little ways up the road, that is always a good place to go.

As for the cookie making - projects that sound interesting at first sometimes become overwhelming once started. In that situation I would have asked her whether she wanted me to finish them for her, or if she wanted to come back and put them out on the baking sheet when the mix was ready, or perhaps come back when they were ready to decorate (depending on the cookie type obviously). I would finish them, but leave the door open for her to rejoin the process. If she didn't want me to do anything with them, I would put them away in the fridge. 

In my case, since I know Jayn, I would be 99% sure that she would not come back to that particular project, having left it - so after a day, I'd tell her I was worried about the mix deteriorating, and offer to make the cookies again. And I would be 99% sure that she would say to go ahead. But she does like to be asked. 

Robyn L. Coburn

CASS KOTRBA

-=- I'd be very grateful if anyone could offer me a chink of light with which I could help her find that spark for something again. -=-
 
My daughter is 12 and she's passionate about all things Japanese right now.  Maybe some of her interests will spark something:

Anime - Japanese animation.  These tend to be very emotionally dramatic and expressive, which she likes.  Her favorite series is Attack on Titan (which is interesting and bloody/scary) & she also likes Host Club, Black Butler, My Fiance is a Mermaid & Fairy Tails.  We all enjoy movies such as Spirited Away, Castle in the  Sky, Howl's Moving Castle & My Neighbor Totoro (one of my all time favorite movies). These and others are available on Netflix. 
 
Manga - Japanese comic books.
 
Cosplay - Cosplay originated in Japan where the youth are passionate about dressing up and mimicking their favorite over the top characters.
 
We have gone into the city a couple of times and gone to Asian markets.  That's always fun.
 
There was an ap she was playing the other day called "Chibi Me" where she was making anime images of herself & friends.  I believe it was free.
 
Toy/crafty items such as:
Poppin' Cookin' - So much fun for about $4/box.  I always try to find free shipping.  They do tend to take 4-6 weeks to receive, especially this time of year. http://www.amazon.com/gp/product/B00EZP7OLO/ref=oh_aui_detailpage_o04_s00?ie=UTF8&psc=1
 
Rement toys - Detailed miniature toys that are fun and adorable. Japanese culture is very focused on small details and it shows in their toys.  Like these:  http://www.amazon.com/Re-Ment-Hello-Kitty-Cooking-miniature/dp/B004LBG49A/ref=sr_1_cc_1?s=aps&ie=UTF8&qid=1416419180&sr=1-1-catcorr&keywords=rement+toys
 
We have Amazon Prime which costs an annual fee but we get free 2 day shipping on lots and lots of things so it has been a great resource, time & money saver for us.
 
Jade is interested in "new things that she's never done or thought of before" so recently I've been searching for neat and different Christmas presents.  I've been searching the Japanese sites that cater to English speaking customers for new ideas.   Here are a couple of sites I've ordered from in the past:  http://www.modes4u.com/, http://www.nippon-yasan.com/authentication.php?back=my-account.php. 
 
Games - I am just starting to explore the world of Japanese games.  You do need to have a Sony gaming system that was imported from Japan to play games imported from Japan, I've figured that part out.  Many of the games seem to have more of a dramatic/emotional story line which is what my daughter likes. I have ordered a Play Station Vita from Japan for Christmas along with this game: http://www.amazon.com/Hatsune-Miku-Project-Diva-PlayStation-Vita/dp/B00JSSP35C/ref=sr_1_2?ie=UTF8&qid=1416419352&sr=8-2&keywords=Hatsune+Miku+ps+vita&pebp=1416419357086.  It is a singing game with rave reviews & a voice modification system.  I'm hoping she'll love it. 
 
My daughter also loves creating things & experimenting.  Candle making & melt and pour soaps are a couple of ideas that come to mind.  There is lots of room for creativity and she might also enjoy making things she can give as gifts.  Or maybe she could start a small business making and selling homemade items. 
 
Writing/journaling - much more fun with a nice diary or stationary. Maybe your daughter would like to experiment with making paper.  I've always wanted to do that myself.  Or making cards.  I buy cards from a local woman who makes the neatest handmade cards.
 
What about a window garden with flowers or fun herbs to tend?
 
My son has a couple of books with ideas for interesting experiments to be done at home.  Here is one website which could lead you to others: http://www.sciencekids.co.nz/experiments.html.
 
My daughter has been going through a lot of changes over the past year..  Changing, growing, evolving.  One thing we did was repaint her room in more mature colors and traded in her childhood bed for this more mature, yet still affordable, option: http://www.walmart.com/ip/Eclipse-Twin-Over-Full-Futon-Bunk-Bed-Multiple-Colors/16874005.  It is also a great space saver.  We had a lot of fun painting together, putting the bed together, putting up a few new posters mixed with her favorites from before.  Making her outside space match the new person inside.  She seems to be metamorphosing from a young girl into a young woman right before my eyes!
 
We have some old sheets that we plan to hang up and spray paint - someday!  I use them as painting drop clothes and to cover my vegetable garden from frost so some paint on them won't hurt anything.
 
It sounds like your daughter enjoys going out of the house to do things.  My daughter has been feeling this way as well.  Some things we've done include riding our bikes in town, in areas we've never ridden before.  Visiting new areas or familiar with in a new way might be interesting.  This summer my son & daughter started riding their bikes to a nearby gas station, on their own, to buy snacks.  That was exciting for them.  My son said a few times "I feel so powerful now".
 
Is there some kind of small job or responsibility she would be interested in taking on outside of the house? Maybe something for your parents?
Or as a mother's helper, dog walker... something like that.?
 
Oh, dying her hair, that's another favorite past time around here.  Manic Panic has fun, vibrant semi permanent hair colors which are lots of fun.
 
She likes face and body paints, make up, hair styling items... what else... that's all I've got for now. 
 
-Cass
 
 
 

CASS KOTRBA

-=- I'd be very grateful if anyone could offer me a chink of light with which I could help her find that spark for something again. -=-
 
Maybe she'd like to try making her own animations?  Karen - what was that sight you had for that?  I can't seem to find it now.
 
Tie dying?  Origami?
 
My daughter also likes it when I buy her Starbucks from the shop in our grocery store.  She gets a vanilla steamer which is just steamed milk with vanilla in it but it makes her feel very grown up.  They have lots of flavors.  I realize that with several daughters it's not something you might be able to do often but thinking about things that would help her feel grown up & special.
 
As for the Manic Panic - I wanted to mention to anyone trying it that the blues and greens don't tend to come out well.  They are splotchy & don't last for long, except for the part that stains the hair.  We've had the best luck with Vampire Red and Ultra Violet.  My daughter has dark brown hair and when she decided to dye it red I was pretty nervous.  She was not.  We put the Vampire Red on there and it ended up the most beautiful shade of dark red.  Like red velvet cake.  It faded nicely into gradually less and less red.  Then she wanted to bleach some strips & I was very nervous.  She was not.  We used the Manic Panic bleach and it worked great.  Again, beautiful results.  I think I am more nervous each time because I am the one applying it and she has blind faith that it will turn out the way she envisioned it.  Most of her visions have been big hits.  She followed this with bleaching her entire head of hair blonde, followed by a variety of other combinations.  She then dyed most of her hair back to a very dark brown with blonde tips.  The tips have been a variety of colors.  She enjoys this so much and is deeply grateful to have a mother who supports this interest. 
 
Not that dying their hair is for everyone, obviously.  How about putting a feather in her hair?  I found some online one time where you could order the feathers plus the little crimping beads that were big enough to hold the feather and some hair.  You just position it where you want and crimp down on the bead.  Your daughter could probably find a you tube video showing how to do it. :D
 
-Cass
 

CASS KOTRBA

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