lisajceledon@...

My son Josh (4, 5 soon) is angry a lot about me playing with and tending to his little brother, and also not being able to play more with him on his games (minecraft, wii U games), because my younger will pull me away, try to take the controller, in short, he has grown out of sitting and playing or drawing or doing something next to us while I play games with Josh, as often.

I had an older child come over to play games with Josh and Josh ended up not wanting to play games at all, and they played other stuff, but when the kid left (I was paying him for two hours time), Josh was upset with me that I couldn't focus on just playing with him.


I have lots of ideas to try out, some don't work so well anymore as my younger son's needs for attention shift, lots of additional things we could add or do around the house to help make things fun, and be able to spend more time together happily, and to engage them both physically which I know they both really want more of- more in-house (er, upstairs apartment) options.


I had a rough few months, where I was struggling with memories and flashbacks of childhood trauma (terrible violence, abuse, neglect) that all kind of surged up this summer.  It was harder to be present, I was less emotionally available, more snappy and impatient and irritable.  I am very glad for all the ways that this list and the things I've read by long-time radical unschoolers really helped me through that, especially with still being able to maintain sweetness and fun and laughter and smiles and gentleness--even if it wasn't as much of the time.  

We have also been carless and at home a lot in the last 4 months (which added a lot of pressure on me during that time and subsequently on the boys).   


I think, we had previously had an amazing half-year for our family prior to that, with unschooling principles working wonders for us- for me, the kids, my husband, and I think that brought out all this unresolved stuff for me.

I started therapy and it started getting better gradually over the last two months, and it is much better now.  She is helping me do the emotional work in small, manageable chunks, and not have it spill all over into my life now.   


The peace was very much disturbed though, and I think that is part of what my son is expressing now.  He's a little like Dr. Jekyll/Mr. Hyde, where he's happy and sweet and talkative and playful, and then is calling everyone and everything stupid and intentionally trying to hurt me during play, or he screams or yells while playing - but it's not in delight or enthusiasm, it sounds really stressed and tense.


I have initially been hard on him about these behaviors-- like, as if trying to change him and his feelings by telling him not to do those things.  It was making it worse.  I have backed off- I understand he is very frustrated and angry.  But then I feel at loss for what to say or do (like, as if I'm backing off too much, and am having trouble finding that soft, supportive middle ground).  I don't let him do hurtful or destructive things, and he gets even angrier when I suggest alternatives, and he doesn't like me talking or saying much either.

In addition to being hurtful and angry, he often acts helpless, and has lately been imitating his brother's babbling and phrases.  He also has been dissatisfied with food, even his favorite things, and is eating an increasingly narrow range of things.  I am helping him as much as I am able, to do things for him even if he could do it himself, but sometimes he'll do something like sit on the couch screaming repeatedly for a popsicle while I'm helping his brother in the tub or in the bathroom or something. I have made sure he can get to and reach all the things he wants himself, and sometimes he does do that instead.  Also, I invite him wherever I am, if I can't come immediately to him and he wants to play, to do something fun and sometimes that works, and sometimes it pisses him off more.


He is not always unhappy, or angry. But it feels like a lot, and it is a lot more than it used to be, before this summer.  Sometimes it seems to come out of nowhere, when we are engaged and having fun, and other times it starts when his brother needs something, or wants to play with me, or somehow interrupts what we're doing (because he needs help in the bathroom, or starts crying because his trains fell off the track or something and needs my help or attention), or if I get distracted doing something like some dishes or picking up toys. I have been focusing on being more mindful and less distracted -- more present.  That helps a little.  Sometimes he gets angry when I go to the kitchen to get food (for anyone, even him), if I get up to go the the bathroom, if his brother wants to nurse (which is usually only when he's hurt or upset or tired during the day).  Sometimes too, even if I'm playing with him, he seems restless and unhappy, and irritable, and will play meanly.


We were having a friend of his over a lot, a few times a week and that helped for awhile - they would play together or she would play with my little one and I would play with Josh, or we'd all do something together.  Then between illnesses and other plans, they didn't see each other for two weeks, and when we had her over the other day, they had a hard time together.  After about an hour they didnt want to play the same things (which is usually okay, I find fun things for them to do separately for a bit usually, and then they come back together at some point- this time it was definitely not getting better), neither of them would agree to do anything the other wanted- Josh was being mean (spitting legos at her- tackling her or getting in her face), and was angry that she didn't want to play a mario game with him.  I found some frosting and sugar cookies and that they both did and had a lot of fun doing it, and it was a little better after that, but not much.  That hasn't been a problem before.  

He's been to her house twice, and both times he gave the mom a hard time when it was time to leave, and when he got home he screamed at me about having to leave their house.  So he has not gone back.


He has been telling me sometimes too, lately, "I want to go home. Not here, but to [friend's] house. I hate it here. I only love [her]." I know he is really hurting. I don't want him to hate his home.  He also doesn't want to really go anywhere.  There aren't a lot of places we can get to that he wants to go, and we can't get to many events and get togethers with his friends or things were he might be able to to meet new, additional friends (though one mom, the mom of Josh's friend who comes over, has been really sweet and giving us a ride to one of the play groups once a week).  

Both boys enjoy taking the bus, but the bus system here is not very good, so it hasn't often been a good means of getting out and about.  As in, we can get to their favorite bounce house place (or other places) fairly easily (or not at all easily, with multiple buses and walking), but there is no bus going back home, and walking (with them in a stroller, neither of them like to walk very far) is a much much longer trip than either of them have tolerated well.  Also, having my littler one out and about is fine on some days, and then other days he has an extremely difficult time with limits- like keeping his shoes on in places where shoes are required, or not touching or playing with things he can't touch or play with.  He is sometimes completely fine with it, other days he screams and cries and throws himself back and bangs his head and kicks his feet and it lasts a long time.  He is not easily distracted or consoled when he's upset either.  So far I haven't been able to find what makes the difference for him between having an easy time or a hard time- lately when we've gone out it's because he's been having an easier day and I feel confident that it will be okay, and then it's totally not, and it's not a quick matter of getting in the car and chilling out with music and playing with buttons and such until he's calm enough to get into his seat and go. 

There were things we could go and do on rougher days, that would lighten Josh's mood, and Kai could explore without so many limits, and I could breathe fresh air and relax and gain some perspective.  Getting to those places isn't feasible for the time being, and I think that is making it harder for all of us.  We are looking into getting a car, but it might be a few weeks still.  We have managed to find and do lots of fun stuff here, in the house, and I think we could do more.  I have a tentative mother's helper, though she charges a little more than I can afford to have come over often (I don't think what she's asking is unreasonable though). So I need some more ideas.  We have no outdoor space immediately on hand, other than the front porch, but the boys want to run around and be noisy, and we have elderly neighbors all around us who get grumpy with lots of kid noise (and the pounding when they run back and forth on the landing is very loud, I don't let them do it much- and its hard for them not to when we're out there).


We've all been sick this past two weeks too, the boys with fevers on and off, and all of us with sniffles and coughs and such, so I know that doesn't help moods either. It also makes taking a long brisk walk to the creek (a little over 2 miles round trip) not so enjoyable for any of us.  


Part of it too, I think, is that I am still a relatively inexperienced mom, and I am not sure how much is normal, or unavoidable (like, how much of it is due to factors I can't change, versus things that I can do something about), and I end up getting really hard on myself at times, which makes it hard to be present for him when he's angry and frustrated.  Breathing and smiling and thinking about all the good moments, and not staying with the bad moments in my mind helps a lot- but sometimes in the middle of a bad moment, I lose perspective, and forget that my son is young (really young!) and things *are* improving again and I am continuing to gradually learn and do better, and heal from the childhood stuff, and he will mature too.



I am looking for advice about what I can say and do in those bad moments, advice on how to find that soft, supportive middle ground.  I've been wavering too much between being too hard and being not enough support. Also, suggestions for making inside, here, more sparkly and interesting for both my little guys.  


Thank you,


Lisa C



 



Sandra Dodd

-=-I have initially been hard on him about these behaviors-- like, as if trying to change him and his feelings by telling him not to do those things.  It was making it worse. -=-

It’s your job to keep him from hurting people.  He should NOT be hurting people on purpose.    

-=- or he screams or yells while playing-=-

If you live in an upstairs apartment, so it’spart of your duty to neighbors to keep the noise down, though.   Even if you lived in a detached house, his screaming might disturb the younger child, and so asking him to be quieter isn’t a bad thing. 

-=-But then I feel at loss for what to say or do (like, as if I'm backing off too much, and am having trouble finding that soft, supportive middle ground).  I don't let him do hurtful or destructive things, and he gets even angrier when I suggest alternatives, and he doesn't like me talking or saying much either.-=-

Pam Soroorshian has a pool and girls used to leave wet towels on the carpet or the couch, and she found that instead of explaining why and what, she would just say “Towel.”  Maybe you could find something to say that indicates what he should remember without it being lots of words.

Maybe just “enough” or “peace” or “no.”  I’m not sure, but explanations and appeals when he’s already frustrated is bad.  

-=- sometimes he'll do something like sit on the couch screaming repeatedly for a popsicle-=-

I would say “no.”  I would say “If you scream, the answer is no. If you ask nicely, the answer is yes.”   Or call him into the bathroom with him and talk to him while you’re doing the bath, maybe .  If he gets restless you could say “You could go and get a popsicle, if you want to.”  That way it’s a choice he might prefer, instead of something you’re not getting for him.  

-=-He is not always unhappy, or angry. But it feels like a lot-=-

Baby him as much as you can.  He might even want baby food or juice in a bottle.  He’s been robbed of being the youngest before he was ready for that. I remember the feelings I had when my sister was born and I was three.

-=-Getting to those places isn't feasible for the time being, and I think that is making it harder for all of us.  We are looking into getting a car, but it might be a few weeks still. -=-

When you do get a car, try staying out longer than your son wants a time or two—not so much on purpose as avoiding home for a while so that he will want to be home.  Right not he’s trapped and powerless.  He’s stuck.  He can’t choose it.

  -=- We have managed to find and do lots of fun stuff here, in the house, and I think we could do more.  -=-

We found movies with music freeing and distracting when we were home with frustrations.  Disney musicals, Sound of Music, Cinderella (Rodgers & Hammerstein). Grease.  Little Shop of Horrors.  My kids like Pirates of Penzance, with Linda Ronstadt and Kevin Kline.  Hairspray can be fun, but hadn’tcome out yet when my kids were younger.  Don’t tell him you got it for him.  Tell him it’s for you.  You sing along and dance.     That will be a way to help you breathe and smile, and if at least one person is smiling, it’s better for everyone. 

http://sandradodd.com/youngchildren has lots of ideas.
http://sandradodd.com/physicality

-=-I have a tentative mother's helper, though she charges a little more than I can afford to have come over often (I don't think what she's asking is unreasonable though).-=-

How much would you pay if you could have joy restored in your son?  
The time might come when no amount of money could restore him.  

You’ve spent money on therapy for yourself.   A slightly expensve mother’s helper now should save hours of therapy later.  

-=- we have elderly neighbors all around us who get grumpy with lots of kid noise (and the pounding when they run back and forth on the landing is very loud-=-

Think about moving.  If you intend to stay there through school years ad you do unschool, those neighbors might be increasingly irritated by your children’s presence.  I’ve heard childless and retired people say they pay their school taxes to have peace and quiet during school hours.  It’s tacky, perhaps, but if they’ve  looked forward to those hours of quiet, and if they’re old and take naps, it might be difficult to maintain longterm peace in the neighborhood.    

Sandra


Sandra Dodd

-=-It also makes taking a long brisk walk to the creek (a little over 2 miles round trip) not so enjoyable for any of us.  
-=-

Why would you go if it’s not enjoyable? 
http://sandradodd.com/parentingpeacefully
Every choice should be the more peaceful one, if your immediate concern is peace.

Sandra

semajrak@...

<<Part of it too, I think, is that I am still a relatively inexperienced mom, and I am not sure how much is normal, or unavoidable>>

I found the "Your (insert age here) Year Old" books by Louise Bates Ames to be very helpful.  They are not unschooling books, but they do give some idea about what to expect at different ages.  You can pick them up nearly free, used at Amazon.  I didn't read them cover to cover.  I skimmed them to get an overall picture.  The information in them helped me relax and see Ethan's behaviours not as problems I needed to fix, but more as stages he needed my help with.  Before that I was so perplexed by some of what he was doing, feeling or saying that I wasn't able to see it as a normal part of growing and learning.  

<<Also, suggestions for making inside, here, more sparkly and interesting for both my little guys.>>

A friend of mine did a really fun thing with her two children.  For about a month she and her partner would set the children's toys up in fun positions while the kids slept, leaving them to find in the morning.  I forget what she did exactly, but I do remember it looked so fun.  She took pictures and said the kids loved finding them, and loved imagining how the toys got into the positions they did.  

There's an art form called Slinkachu that uses tiny model train people and props posed in whimsical positions, left on the street for people to find.  Here's a link.  It might give you some ideas if you think your boys would enjoy finding such little treasures.  Of course you could use any of their toys, like my friends had done.

http://little-people.blogspot.com/

If your boys like this idea, you could add food into the mix.  Perhaps that would be a fun way to introduce some variety.  Lego men running a cucumber pizza restaurant, for example.  :-)

 

My own son loved to find notes written by me in some of his favourite places.  I would spell out "I love U" in the bathtub with his foam letters before he got in.  He loved love notes.  I still have all of the ones he would leave for me on post-its or scraps of paper.  Early on, they were mostly hearts, but later they were lovely simply worded notes with happy stick people drawn on, waving at me.  I copied a lot of his ideas in my notes to him.  It was like a kind of silent communication.  He went through a period of time when he preferred play without much talk, at least on his part.  Sometimes he would be a cat that couldn't talk, or a baby.  I think it meant something to him that I could communicate with him without a lot of words, or any -- that I could understand him and interact with him, in a way that didn't require him to use language, like I did before he *could* use words to communicate.  

Another thing I liked to do was decorate the halls of our place.  It's an area we pass through all the time, so I made it fun and interesting.  I still do this for his birthday every year.  Sometimes I would tape shapes on the floor for Ethan to hop from one to another.  Sometimes I put interesting things on the walls.  One time I turned the hall into an art gallery exhibiting printed photoshop drawings he had done.  I added labels like in a gallery.  You could even buy a couple from your sons and add little red dots to the labels to signal "sold".  I folded origami butterflies had taped them down the hall walls.  I hung posters.  I put up planet postcards in order.  I had an evolution chart that was long enough to wrap around the corner.  The kids seemed to really like that one.  The creatures were interesting.  You could make your own creatures and have them evolve along a timeline.  :-)

Ethan loved music and dancing at the ages of your boys.  He loved music from different parts of the world especially.  He liked the rythmic beats and different sounds and languages.  He, Doug and I spent a lot of time dancing.  Dancing might not work well with your being on the upper level of an apartment right now, though.  

If your kids like animals you could cut out animal tracks and lead them to a surprise hidden in a closet.  A different animal could "visit" once a week, maybe on the same day if your boys are comforted by routine. 

Next to where your son loves to play Minecraft, you could make a construction paper Minecraft house on the wall for him to find and sit by.  That might be a nice reminder that you are near and care about what he's doing.  Keep it simple so it's not a big investment of your time.  Squares of brown paper could be dirt or wooden planks.  Strips of green on top for grass.  Blue squares for water.  

I used to keep a big roll of craft paper in the house to put up on the wall or on the floor to make huge maps on with Ethan.  We would add to them for a week or more.  His favourite game at the time was called "Rivers, Roads and Rails" and so we would draw big maps with rivers, roads and railway tracks, and add houses, ponds, space ships, giant spiders.  :-)

I would set up activities for Ethan to find.  For quite some time he loved making concoctions, so I would put out an old shirt of Doug's for a lab coat and set up a big "chemistry" lab for him to explore on our dining table.  I added lots of different vessels for him to mix things in and tools to mix with.  I used to keep my eye open for cool tools at thrift stores.  Ethan loved to have those around the house for various activities.  Hand crank mixers, meat tenderizing hammers, potato ricers, etc.  

He also liked to hammer and screw into wood.  I picked up wheels from the hardware store and free scrap wood from wherever I found some.  Ethan would make his own ride-ons.  He would attach rope and pull toys around on them too.  

One more...Ethan really loved getting in cardboard boxes.  Actually, even at eleven, he still does.  I used to get bigger boxes from appliance stores for free.  I'd fold them all down to fit into our car, and tape them back up at home.  Ethan and I cut door and windows in them and left them up until they were no longer used.  Then I would flatten them and store them for a while.  I could rebuild and retape them easily.  One of Ethan's favourites lasted for years.  It was Ethan's "Friendly's" restaurant.  It was all painted.  He absolutely loved playing in there, serving me food out the fast food window.  That could be another fun way to play with food with your son.  :-)

Karen James.


 

CASS KOTRBA


<<Also, suggestions for making inside, here, more sparkly and interesting for both my little guys.>>

Do you have any pets?  I was thinking about how much love, warmth, joy, entertainment & healing we get from our animals.  My daughter asked for a kitten for her 11th birthday (14 months ago) and that little guy has added so much to our lives.  His presence makes us all smile & feel soft and warm inside.  I can't tell you how many times the kids have been on the precipice of a fight or someone is feeling down and that cat walks in and completely lifts the mood, just with his adorable presence.  Or the kids are ramping up for a fight and I'll say "Ooh, look at how cute Rubin is right now" and that shift in attention distracts them from their angry feelings which are then forgotten about.  It is my daughter's cat but we all love him & it gives us a feeling of unity.  It makes each of us feel good to do nice things for him & protect him.  Maybe a soft little buddy of some kind would help your older son feel special, gentle & loved? 
 
The cat is technically my daughter's so my son (10) wanted his own pet as well.  We already have 3 dogs & 2 cats so he decided on guinea pigs.  They are so adorable!  They make these cute little excited squeals when they are happy.  They are smaller than a cat & not able to run away as easily (living in a confined area) so that might be a concern with a 3 year old...
 
There is an online garage sale group for my area that is available on Facebook.  I know that many areas have them.  I have seen guinea pigs and the supplies being given away on there.  It is pretty common to see people trying to find new homes for their pets on there for little or no money.  We debated about taking in some turtles or unwanted fish but it's the soft furry animals that we really relate to.  I also have found a number of cool things for our family on that group for little money.  I sell our outgrown items on there, too.
 
-Cass

BRIAN POLIKOWSKY

I think Pets for very young kids and in an apartment when mom has a lot on her already ( no car , kids that have big needs) is one more stressful, time consuming and more of a problem than a solution.

I say that and I have 7 cats ( not counting the barn ones ) 2 dogs, 3 guinea pigs not counting the cows to take care.
It takes time away from kids. It requires money and can cost money one does not have.

I do agree with Cass that pets are amazing to make one feel good  ! Just wait a little longer :)

I read that the mother's helper you had come to play with you older boy right?
Why is she not coming to play with the younger so you have time to play with your oldest?

When Daniel my son was 5, 6 and 7 my mom or dad would play with Gigi ( younger) and I would then go play games with him~!
When I had time away  from her I spend with my oldest.


 
Alex Polikowsky
 
 
 


On Sunday, October 26, 2014 9:14 AM, "'CASS KOTRBA' caskot@... [AlwaysLearning]" <[email protected]> wrote:


 

<<Also, suggestions for making inside, here, more sparkly and interesting for both my little guys.>>

Do you have any pets?  I was thinking about how much love, warmth, joy, entertainment & healing we get from our animals.  My daughter asked for a kitten for her 11th birthday (14 months ago) and that little guy has added so much to our lives.  His presence makes us all smile & feel soft and warm inside.  I can't tell you how many times the kids have been on the precipice of a fight or someone is feeling down and that cat walks in and completely lifts the mood, just with his adorable presence.  Or the kids are ramping up for a fight and I'll say "Ooh, look at how cute Rubin is right now" and that shift in attention distracts them from their angry feelings which are then forgotten about.  It is my daughter's cat but we all love him & it gives us a feeling of unity.  It makes each of us feel good to do nice things for him & protect him.  Maybe a soft little buddy of some kind would help your older son feel special, gentle & loved? 
 
The cat is technically my daughter's so my son (10) wanted his own pet as well.  We already have 3 dogs & 2 cats so he decided on guinea pigs.  They are so adorable!  They make these cute little excited squeals when they are happy.  They are smaller than a cat & not able to run away as easily (living in a confined area) so that might be a concern with a 3 year old...
 
There is an online garage sale group for my area that is available on Facebook.  I know that many areas have them.  I have seen guinea pigs and the supplies being given away on there.  It is pretty common to see people trying to find new homes for their pets on there for little or no money.  We debated about taking in some turtles or unwanted fish but it's the soft furry animals that we really relate to.  I also have found a number of cool things for our family on that group for little money.  I sell our outgrown items on there, too.
 
-Cass