jasonmdyess@...

I didn't think I was going to write so soon; I have buried myself in Sandra's web site and Pam Laricchia's. But something I wasn't expecting happened today.

A little background so the context is clear. I have three kids C(15)(son), H(a month from 14)(daughter), and DJ (10)(son). C lives in  with his mom a state away, H lives with my wife and I, and DJ lives mostly with his mom on the other side of town. The divorce decree has his time split evenly between us, which only happens during the summer because there is no way I can get him to school on time during the week. Now that H is unschooling (she is loving it, my wife is waiting to see how it goes but trusts me and the research I have done), I have talked to DJ's mom about unschooling him. She is thinking about putting him in a classical private school and possibly homeschooling him with set curriculum once he is older.


So, what I need help with is figuring out how to deal with her resistance without damaging either my relationship with my son, or what has become a very good working relationship with her. She has lots of friends who home school, who I understand have given her arguments against unschooling (when I hear what those are I will relay them), and she has what I see as the typical fears about unschooling (e.g. how will he get into college, how will he learn math, he isn't disciplined enough to do anything but watch TV and play minecraft all day, etc) all of which I know how to respond to (with much thanks to Sandra and Pam). What I don't know how to deal with are these three things:


1.  We all work full time. I deal with this with H by always being available to her via text, spending most of my time at home hanging out with her doing whatever she is doing for as long as she wants (or until I need to sleep), researching things I have noticed that she is interested in and sending her links, and finding things she finds interesting to do on the weekends. I work 10 minutes away from home and can be there very quickly if I am needed. My ex is not worried about DJ's safety, but his "progress" and "potential" and I am not sure I can convince her that she is trying to measure volume with a ruler.


2. I don't see how putting him in a different school will help any of the "school issues" he has. He is still going to be chained to a desk for hours a day, doing things he has no interest in doing, being forced to be quiet with no way to deal with his nervous energy.  ("but their curriculum is stellar" gaaaa.)


3. I want time with my son, I want him every other week like we agreed, but I don't want to force him to do some curriculum she decided was best, if she decides to home school him. I don't want to force him to do math and then hate it (I find true math fascinating). I am afraid that if she decides to do that, I will be forced to decide between spending time with my son, enjoying who he is and what he is interested in, and using my power to force him to "learn" (read: memorize and regurgitate) whatever she decides are my topics, thus hurting my relationship with him.


I am so glad I can post this for all of you to pick apart and tell me with brutal honesty what I am missing. I know there is something I am either holding on to too tightly or something I am not seeing. I realize you may tell me I just have to deal with whatever she decides, but seven and a half years of being in the Army on top of the childhood I had has accustomed me to dealing with things I don't like.

Sorry this was so long. I hope that is not a problem.

Thank you,
Jason



D. Regan

If you, your wife and your ex-wife all plan to continue to work full-time, how would unschooling a 10 and 13/14yo work?   Unschooling needs more from parents than less.  

It sounds like your ex-wife is significantly invested in your son being educated in traditional ways.  To get to appreciating unschooling from there, is a big journey.  And it can only be taken in steps, and trying to get someone else to take all those steps is not going to help.  Maybe you can open doors to possibilities, but it is up to her to decide if she wants to step through.   

Parents new to unschooling usually find the idea of their kids "missing" secondary education even harder than their "missing" primary education.  With a 10yo, it seems unlikely that her mind will change enough in time to support unschooling in his secondary years.

Letting go of the idea of "unschooling" may help.  Instead you could focus your attention on any things you could do to help him.  Would it help him to be able to spend more time with you?  Can you make that work somehow?  Can you drop some work hours?  Move closer to his school?  Do some work from home?  Employ someone to get him to school from where you now live?  Get more involved in his school life?  Look around for more suitable schools for him?

I would start from where you are, thinking of what will help, rather than looking to an ideal that may be out of reach.

:)
Debbie.




A little background so the context is clear. I have three kids C(15)(son), H(a month from 14)(daughter), and DJ (10)(son). C lives in  with his mom a state away, H lives with my wife and I, and DJ lives mostly with his mom on the other side of town. The divorce decree has his time split evenly between us, which only happens during the summer because there is no way I can get him to school on time during the week. Now that H is unschooling (she is loving it, my wife is waiting to see how it goes but trusts me and the research I have done), I have talked to DJ's mom about unschooling him. She is thinking about putting him in a classical private school and possibly homeschooling him with set curriculum once he is older.

So, what I need help with is figuring out how to deal with her resistance without damaging either my relationship with my son, or what has become a very good working relationship with her. She has lots of friends who home school, who I understand have given her arguments against unschooling (when I hear what those are I will relay them), and she has what I see as the typical fears about unschooling (e.g. how will he get into college, how will he learn math, he isn't disciplined enough to do anything but watch TV and play minecraft all day, etc) all of which I know how to respond to (with much thanks to Sandra and Pam). What I don't know how to deal with are these three things:1.  We all work full time. I deal with this with H by always being available to her via text, spending most of my time at home hanging out with her doing whatever she is doing for as long as she wants (or until I need to sleep), researching things I have noticed that she is interested in and sending her links, and finding things she finds interesting to do on the weekends. I work 10 minutes away from home and can be there very quickly if I am needed. My ex is not worried about DJ's safety, but his "progress" and "potential" and I am not sure I can convince her that she is trying to measure volume with a ruler.

2. I don't see how putting him in a different school will help any of the "school issues" he has. He is still going to be chained to a desk for hours a day, doing things he has no interest in doing, being forced to be quiet with no way to deal with his nervous energy.  ("but their curriculum is stellar" gaaaa.)

3. I want time with my son, I want him every other week like we agreed, but I don't want to force him to do some curriculum she decided was best, if she decides to home school him. I don't want to force him to do math and then hate it (I find true math fascinating). I am afraid that if she decides to do that, I will be forced to decide between spending time with my son, enjoying who he is and what he is interested in, and using my power to force him to "learn" (read: memorize and regurgitate) whatever she decides are my topics, thus hurting my relationship with him.


Joyce Fetteroll

*** So, what I need help with is figuring out how to deal with her resistance without damaging either my relationship with my son, or what has become a very good working relationship with her. ***

If she had discovered the secret to happiness by joining a cult, how could she convince you how great it is so you could join in supporting her and your son in following this religion?

From the outside unschooling looks very much like a cult. And the more you press, the more likely your ex-wife will draw away from your proselytizing.

You could talk about your daughter, talk about what you're discovering. Do it conversationally as you'd share something from work. The less you make it about changing your ex-wife and the more you make it about you and your daughter and sharing a bit of your lives with her, the more she'll be open to listening. If she feels pressured, she'll likely shut down.

You could read Guerrilla Learning by Grace Llewellyn. It might have some ideas on how to support your son while he's in school.

http://smile.amazon.com/Guerrilla-Learning-Education-Without-School-ebook/dp/B00DNL3316/


*** 1. We all work full time. ***

If its working for your daughter, cool. A few kids don't need much outside input. That's not the norm, though. I can't imagine my daughter would have been happy staying without a parent all day. And that would make the 14 yo responsible for your son. No matter how you set it up to minimize that, it just doesn't sound like a good situation to rely on every day.

Maybe the situation is very different from what I imagine. But it's something to think about. Life doesn't become ideal for learning by labeling it "UNSCHOOLING". Unschooling requires a parent to be responsive to his child's needs. If your son needs you with him, not 10 minutes away, he needs you with him. Calling it unschooling won't fix that.


*** . I don't see how putting him in a different school will help any of the "school issues" he has. ... ("but their curriculum is stellar" gaaaa.) ***

But she can't yet see. This may be something she needs to conclude on her own. Yes, it isn't ideal that your son has to suffer for her to understand.

It may help to coach him that he needs to be clear and honest about what's going on at school, also what he needs and what the school is failing to meet. (Like being able to move.) Subconsciously kids can feel their parents know what's happening to them at school. And parents can feel that if kids aren't complaining, then everything is okay.


*** I don't want to force him to do some curriculum she decided was best ***

Then you need a better way of communicating if you feel she can decide what you do in your home.

Perhaps you can come to an agreement where she does the curriculum with him and you do the things you believe will help him learn best. Let her know if she's assigning work for him to do then it needs done at her house, that you won't enforce it.

But you haven't even gotten to the homeschooling agreement yet.

Joyce