branvan@...

Hello!

I'd love your thoughts on little ones playing on structures that are meant for older bodies.

My 3 year old son is very cautious and likes me to be right in there with him on the playground.  Up until very recently he's wanted me to spot him from behind when he climbs (as of the last couple months he's asked me to stay a few steps back when he climbs until he reaches the top).  He only goes on the smaller slides, he never runs off.  Like I said, he's cautious.  

There is one big, metal climbing gym that goes up to a large arch and down again.  The top is well beyond my reach.  He is yearning to climb this thing.  Every time we are at the park he tries and I have let him climb to as high as I can reach but he wants to keep going.  With my husband today who's half an inch taller, my husband encourages him to keep on and that he could spot safely enough.  Towards the top my son panicked and wanted us to help him down, my husband precariously was able to coach him to a reachable point.  I was totally a ball of nerves.  When he came down I asked him to please not climb that because it is meant for bigger kids who could catch themselves if they would fall.  Just like certain rides at the amusement park you need to be a certain height to ride for safety.  He understood but was sad.  He sat down and said he was too sad to play anymore.  

The reason I ask is because it seems I'm the only mom right in there at the playground.  Kids much smaller are climbing structures meant for 5 year olds while their parents are chatting on the benches.  My husband thinks I hover too much and need to let him try.

Thanks so much!

Brandie 

Nicole Robinson

Hi Brandy,

I have three kids ages 10, 7, and 5 who love climbing structures so I've been this route before.  All my children are different and have wanted different types of help from me.  

I think that you can do a couple of things in this situation.  You can limit your son to heights where you can reach him safely and explain to him why there is that limit.  Sounds like you already tried that.  Stick to it and he will learn.  Or you could explain to him that he will have to climb down himself and will not be rescued if he goes too high.  Sometimes a child will want to climb high and their natural instinct will take over and they will stop themselves before they get too high.   Also, if you're staying close by your son because he asked you to or he feels afraid if you don't, then you're not hovering.  If he's waving you away all the time and looking for more freedom, I would back up a little, but remain watchful.  If you show that you're nervous, he will pick up on that and feel that way too.  

Hope this helps,
Nicole

 

michelle_m29@...

I think the posted age limits on playground equipment are a new thing. I don't remember seeing them when my older two were little -- but my older two weren't quite as dare-devilish as my younger two, so maybe I wasn't paying as much attention back then. 

I'm trying to picture the arch that you describe. It sounds like a much higher version of the one that my youngest was in love with. He'd climb happily out to the middle and then holler for me to get him down. I think that was the whole point of that game -- he didn't want me anywhere near him until he decided he was "stuck." I think he could've gotten himself down just fine, and once Mommy-rescues got boring, he did.

Can you help your son figure out some strategies for getting safely down? Maybe dangling his legs and hanging would put him safely within your reach? Practice on a piece of equipment that's lower and less intimidating. That might help you be less of a "ball of nerves."  

Or, if it really is too dangerous and he won't give up the idea of climbing it, try a different playground for a while? 

I've been one of those moms who's sitting on the benches (still am, I guess, since most people think my eight-year-old is much younger and he's one of the kids standing on top of the monkey bars.)  When Quinn took his first big tumble, I gave a sigh of relief (and totally upset the mother standing next to me) because he was low enough not to get hurt, but high enough to realize that gravity really did apply to him too. 

Michelle

Annie Regan

My eldest child has always liked to climb and explore, often to a point that is past my own comfort levels. Having grown up myself with a hovering mother who I think contributed to me being scared of so many things, I made a conscious decision very early on to try not to project my own fears on to Caitlin. So from when she was very young, probably 18 months or so, she was climbing structures at the playground and inside I was worrying - but I stayed close and didn’t say anything, and helped her when she asked for help. I soon found that she would climb to a point and then stop and either come back down or ask for help - she very quickly learnt her own levels of comfort and didn’t ever push past them. When I had my second child he was more cautious and I worried that he would follow her beyond his own capabilities - (and again I stayed close but didn’t comment) - and I quickly found that he would stop when he felt he’d gone far enough, and was happy to let Caitlin go on ahead as far as she was confident to go.

None of my kids have fallen when they are climbing (there have been a few slips and scrapes but no big falls) and all 3 of them have differing levels of ability and comfort when climbing. I really think that by letting them climb as far as they felt safe they have all learnt to trust their own bodies and sense of what is and isn’t safe and that in itself helps them be safer. There have been times when they have asked for help to get down and I have either climbed up to help them or talked them down if they were just too far for me to go without freaking out myself. So they do sometimes go further than I feel is safe - but I have realised that that’s because I wouldn’t feel safe there, but for someone who is comfortable with climbing it is not unsafe - and I’m pleased that none of them have learnt my fear of heights and of climbing even though its still something that scares me. (And watching them climb so confidently has actually helped me to be a bit braver with some climbing and heights and my own fear is diminishing very slowly. Perhaps I am learning more to trust my own body rather than rely on my learnt memory of what is and isn’t safe)

Annie

lisajceledon@...

<<Or you could explain to him that he will have to climb down himself and will not be rescued if he goes too high.>>

What?! I think I might be misunderstanding this.
I can see letting a child know when they are getting out of reach, going higher or into a more restrictive space than a parent can safely get them down from if they need help.  If the child is likely to fall or need help, then it makes sense to not have them climb places where the parent can't help them easily.

I can see gently, calmly talking a child down if you can't reach them, until you can.

But telling a child you won't rescue them if they go too high?!  Choosing not to help a child down who asks for help, as punishment for going beyond your or their comfort zone?
What sort of positive thing can a child learn from that?
They might learn to distrust their parent.  They might learn it's better to do daring or risky things when the parent *isn't* around.  

<<  Sometimes a child will want to climb high and their natural instinct will take over and they will stop themselves before they get too high>>

I have two climbers.  Both of my boys were able to climb up on play structures and ladders and jungle gyms from very young ages.  My older son was and still is rather cautious.  He pushes his comfort zone, climbing higher and balancing and taking risks, but always within a certain threshold of competence.  I was always right there on hand to help him when he wanted it.  I felt anxious at times, but kept it to myself, and stayed with him, available, and let him climb where he felt comfortable, and where I could help him if he needed it.  By the time he was three, he had enough skill and body awareness and balance that he felt comfortable climbing mostly anything, and I felt comfortable with him doing it (I could sit on a bench nearby with the baby and not worry that he would fall-- he's hardly ever fallen).

My younger child is also a climber, a strong climber, but he's different. He is sometimes careful, but he is also a fearless climber.  He is often heedless or unaware (I'm not sure which) of where parts of his body are (or is whole body is) in relation to what he is climbing or balancing on, and he *has* fallen, a lot.  He has fallen from a height of six feet, straight through my outstretched arms.  Luckily, his fall was broken by the ropes he was climbing up, and he was unhurt.  He has fallen backward off ladders at heights of 3 or 4 feet.  He has misplaced a hand or a foot, and tumbled off of play structures. 

So, like all things unschooling- look at your child!!!  
I wouldn't so much pay attention to the age recommendations on the play structure -- look at your child.  I wouldn't worry if other parents are looking at you and judging you for 'hovering,' or look at the parents sitting on the park benches.  Does your son want you there?  Does he sometimes slip or fall? Then be there for him.  Are you so anxious and hovering that you are in his way, or making him anxious?  Breathe deeply and calm down.  Smile at him.    

I don't tell my 4.5 yr old that things are too high for him.  He knows what he feels comfortable doing, and I know he stays within his comfort zone.  His balance and coordination are good and he knows how to catch himself if he starts to fall.  My younger child will leap off of an 8-ft platform without warning, gleefully assuming I can catch him.  Thank goodness I have caught him!  He is also very active (so is my older son) and is often moving faster than his balance and coordination can keep up with.  He is also proprioceptive sensory seeking-- he *likes* the feeling of falling and losing his balance and banging into things.  He looks for opportunities to do that. He does *not* always stop or slow down or hesitate when he is outside his physical ability, or in a potentially dangerous situation.  

 Not all playgrounds and play structures are safe for him right now, no matter how much I am willing to be there and help him.  I wasn't fast enough or strong enough to catch him when he fell from over my head, even though I was right there with him.  I'm not always fast or agile enough to keep up with him.  I have another child who wants me to play with him.  

For some kids, it makes sense to let them climb higher if they want to.  For some, it really doesn't even if people tell you to stop hovering and let them climb - my husband has said that about my youngest.  This may change, at some point, for my son.  
It's better to find places where you don't have to say, "no you can't climb that."  I have found a few local parks where there are minimal places that are dangerous for my younger son (like high platforms and ladders that go over my head), but still have things he loves, like bouncy bridges and other shaky or swinging balancing type challenges.  I provide him with lots of opportunities to climb and jump and get the proprioceptive feedback he wants safely, at home.

Lisa C

branvan@...

Thanks so much these suggestions have been helpful!  And thought provoking which is what I LOVE so much about this group.  Since the most recent trip to that park, we have frequented a smaller park and he's been loving to pretend he is climbing the high structure and he wants me to pretend to be nervous about it!  And then when he gets to the "top" I say "wow you made it!  You were careful and got to the top!"  And then he wants me to "rescue" him :)
The play structure in question I certainly can't help him if he needs it, I can't reach and if I climbed up I wouldn't be able to get us both down.  The only way would be talking him down, and the issue is other children.  He is sensory sensitive and the minute a child enters his zone or screams in glee (or otherwise), he loses his reason completely and he panics.  Even if we are in a library and he's on my lap and a kid zooms by.  He'll scream and start hitting himself.  So that's where my inner nervous nelly is coming from.  Thanks so much for the reminder to look at my child in making these decisions.

Brandie 

On Jul 31, 2014, at 5:14 AM, "lisajceledon@... [AlwaysLearning]" <[email protected]> wrote:

 

<<Or you could explain to him that he will have to climb down himself and will not be rescued if he goes too high.>>


What?! I think I might be misunderstanding this.
I can see letting a child know when they are getting out of reach, going higher or into a more restrictive space than a parent can safely get them down from if they need help.  If the child is likely to fall or need help, then it makes sense to not have them climb places where the parent can't help them easily.

I can see gently, calmly talking a child down if you can't reach them, until you can.

But telling a child you won't rescue them if they go too high?!  Choosing not to help a child down who asks for help, as punishment for going beyond your or their comfort zone?
What sort of positive thing can a child learn from that?
They might learn to distrust their parent.  They might learn it's better to do daring or risky things when the parent *isn't* around.  

<<  Sometimes a child will want to climb high and their natural instinct will take over and they will stop themselves before they get too high>>

I have two climbers.  Both of my boys were able to climb up on play structures and ladders and jungle gyms from very young ages.  My older son was and still is rather cautious.  He pushes his comfort zone, climbing higher and balancing and taking risks, but always within a certain threshold of competence.  I was always right there on hand to help him when he wanted it.  I felt anxious at times, but kept it to myself, and stayed with him, available, and let him climb where he felt comfortable, and where I could help him if he needed it.  By the time he was three, he had enough skill and body awareness and balance that he felt comfortable climbing mostly anything, and I felt comfortable with him doing it (I could sit on a bench nearby with the baby and not worry that he would fall-- he's hardly ever fallen).

My younger child is also a climber, a strong climber, but he's different. He is sometimes careful, but he is also a fearless climber.  He is often heedless or unaware (I'm not sure which) of where parts of his body are (or is whole body is) in relation to what he is climbing or balancing on, and he *has* fallen, a lot.  He has fallen from a height of six feet, straight through my outstretched arms.  Luckily, his fall was broken by the ropes he was climbing up, and he was unhurt.  He has fallen backward off ladders at heights of 3 or 4 feet.  He has misplaced a hand or a foot, and tumbled off of play structures. 

So, like all things unschooling- look at your child!!!  
I wouldn't so much pay attention to the age recommendations on the play structure -- look at your child.  I wouldn't worry if other parents are looking at you and judging you for 'hovering,' or look at the parents sitting on the park benches.  Does your son want you there?  Does he sometimes slip or fall? Then be there for him.  Are you so anxious and hovering that you are in his way, or making him anxious?  Breathe deeply and calm down.  Smile at him.    

I don't tell my 4.5 yr old that things are too high for him.  He knows what he feels comfortable doing, and I know he stays within his comfort zone.  His balance and coordination are good and he knows how to catch himself if he starts to fall.  My younger child will leap off of an 8-ft platform without warning, gleefully assuming I can catch him.  Thank goodness I have caught him!  He is also very active (so is my older son) and is often moving faster than his balance and coordination can keep up with.  He is also proprioceptive sensory seeking-- he *likes* the feeling of falling and losing his balance and banging into things.  He looks for opportunities to do that. He does *not* always stop or slow down or hesitate when he is outside his physical ability, or in a potentially dangerous situation.  

 Not all playgrounds and play structures are safe for him right now, no matter how much I am willing to be there and help him.  I wasn't fast enough or strong enough to catch him when he fell from over my head, even though I was right there with him.  I'm not always fast or agile enough to keep up with him.  I have another child who wants me to play with him.  

For some kids, it makes sense to let them climb higher if they want to.  For some, it really doesn't even if people tell you to stop hovering and let them climb - my husband has said that about my youngest.  This may change, at some point, for my son.  
It's better to find places where you don't have to say, "no you can't climb that."  I have found a few local parks where there are minimal places that are dangerous for my younger son (like high platforms and ladders that go over my head), but still have things he loves, like bouncy bridges and other shaky or swinging balancing type challenges.  I provide him with lots of opportunities to climb and jump and get the proprioceptive feedback he wants safely, at home.

Lisa C

Joyce Fetteroll

*** The only way would be talking him down, and the issue is other children. ***

How many times do you think he'd get stuck and need talked down? I think you're seeing him climbing beyond *your* comfort zone which feels like he's constantly ignoring *his* comfort zone. So you're projecting that he's ignoring learning anything from the last time he got stuck.

Another aspect, and maybe someone mentioned this, is that if your hovering feels like "You can't do that. That's beyond your ability," it might feel like a challenge to him. He may push beyond his inner voice to show you than he can do this. If you're not nearby, the only voice he'll be listening to is his own inner voice.

Joyce

lisajceledon@...

<<Another aspect, and maybe someone mentioned this, is that if your hovering feels like "You can't do that. That's beyond your ability," it might feel like a challenge to him. He may push beyond his inner voice to show you than he can do this. If you're not nearby, the only voice he'll be listening to is his own inner voice.
>>

That is something I haven't been thinking about enough.  I have seen how he (my younger son) is giddy or thrilled by trying to get away from me sometimes when his is up high on something, or climbing out of my reach, and on occasion, this has been what led to him falling off.  I think finding more opportunities to climb and balance, where he can do so alone without risk of major injury, when he is not seeking my help (sometimes he reaches out for me to help him, other times, I am there and I *do* feel like my presence is pushing him in some way, it might be exactly what you describe here), would be good.  I have been doing that more, but I can do better.

I have seen too, little moments where it's clear that he is developing a better sense of his body and balance, and those moments happen more often when I'm not right there with him, just watching from a distance.  So yeah.  :)