Jealousy
clarissa.harwell@...
Hi there,
My daughter is newly 8 and seems to be struggling mightily with what I think is jealousy. Maybe, overall, it is more of a feeling-less-than kind of thing. I'm realizing that I have a lot of my own feelings tied up in this: the way I felt as a kid and the ways my parents responded to me are difficult to parse out from my own relationship with my daughter. I'm acutely aware of this and trying hard. An example is this: she has a friend, same age, who has a similarly intense temperament. They are quite volatile when they are together and I find myself judging my daughter for not being easy-going and easy to get along with. I KNOW that she is struggling and I recall feeling that way when I was a kid. I keep telling myself that if it's this hard for ME to manage, it's gotta be SO much harder for her, at age 8. And yet...I'm not patient with her strong feelings or lack of tact, I'm not kind when she reacts strongly to something that seems (to me) to be small. Her friend might say "Hey, I got got a new expansion pack on SIMS!" and be excited about it. My daughter might respond "So what? I got ____ a week ago" It seems like many compliments toward others feel like slights to her. I genuinely feel pretty happy and excited for a friend when something great is going on for them so I think I am modeling that for my kids. I don't think I'm expecting my 8 year old to have the social skills or empathy to feel the same way. I suppose I'm asking for help not in managing my child but in managing my own feelings about the ways she reacts. At the core of it, I think the problem is more how I react to her reactions than it is her reactions. She's 8. I'm an adult. And yet I feel quite uncomfortable with her responses and reactions to many social situations.
Thanks.
C
semajrak@...
>>>They are quite volatile when they are together<<<
Be close to them as much as you can. Notice behaviours that trigger one or the other, and try to help navigate these situations. When things start to sound like they are getting a bit heated, offer a change of focus. Snacks. Another fun activity. A video. Music. Bring something interesting out. "Hey! Look at this!" Even if none of these things work, knowing you are there to support them both will, in itself, be helpful.
>>>and I find myself judging my daughter for not being easy-going and easy to get along with.<<<
I'm an easy going person. I can also be a bit of a pushover. My son, Ethan, is also easy going, but he's not a pushover. Neither is his dad. They both have clear ideas about where their limits are. For Ethan, as time passes and he matures, he is developing some really nice skills for supporting doing what feels comfortable to him while working with another person's different ideas. That takes a lot of practice and experimentation to thoughtfully achieve. I can say with all honesty, I'm still not particularly good at it for myself. I have a running "Be nice" soundtrack running through my head, that I haven't found a good way to mute yet. ;-) But Ethan hasn't heard that recording so much, and he's had better support.
Instead of expecting your daughter to be "easy-going and easy to get along with", help her learn to be kind to herself by being true to what feels most supportive of her needs. Help her find useful ways to express herself so that her needs are clearly stated and hopefully understood, and then help her find solutions that work well enough, both for her and her friend.
>>>I keep telling myself that if it's this hard for ME to manage, it's gotta be SO much harder for her, at age 8.<<<
One thing I noticed was that the more I acted in ways that I would have liked to have seen and experienced as a child myself, the more I grew, emotionally, as an adult. I learned to become that adult I needed when I was young. A great deal of healing happened for me in that process.
>>>And yet...I'm not patient with her strong feelings or lack of tact, I'm not kind when she reacts strongly to something that seems (to me) to be small.<<<
Be more patient. Be more kind. Take small steps toward those goals. Patience and kindness will be ever so beneficial to your long-term relationship with your daughter. Sandra has a short page that will give you some ideas on how to gradually make better and better choices:
http://sandradodd.com/betterchoice.html
As well, Sandra gave a talk that I really like. Half-way through she talked about the process of taking small steps toward your goals. I love the way she described this process. The whole talk is nice. You can find the talk halfway down this page, but the whole page is well worth reading too:
http://sandradodd.com/parentingpeacefully
>>>It seems like many compliments toward others feel like slights to her.<<<
Do you compliment your daughter? Not "good girl" kinds of statements, but in ways that really show you are interested in what she is exploring? Maybe her resentment is a sign she needs more encouragement and dedicated attention from you. Help her feel good about herself by showing her you believe her thoughts and pursuits are valuable and interesting. That's one of the greatest compliments you can give a person -- your full attention. It has been my experience that when one feels fully satisfied with themselves, generosity naturally overflows.
Karen James.