Rippy and Graham Dusseldorp

I thought the recent article "Masters of Love" by Emily Esfahani Smith was well worth reading and sharing: http://m.theatlantic.com/health/archive/2014/06/happily-ever-after/372573/

In the article, Smith discusses research by social scientists studying marriage and what makes healthy, happy relationships. The article sparked a light-hearted conversation between Graham and myself, while we made breakfast together, about how the two of us communicate with each other in our own marriage - what we do well and what we can do better. We shared a good laugh about some of our communication blunders in the past :-) It was a lovely moment of supporting and encouraging each other to do better. I thought it was wonderful that we could talk about some challenging moments from our past without any hard feelings, but with kindness and gentleness.

Here is an excerpt from the article that I thought would be especially helpful to partners (and parents!): 

Throughout the day, partners would make requests for connection, what Gottman calls “bids.” For example, say that the husband is a bird enthusiast and notices a goldfinch fly across the yard. He might say to his wife, “Look at that beautiful bird outside!” He’s not just commenting on the bird here: he’s requesting a response from his wife—a sign of interest or support—hoping they’ll connect, however momentarily, over the bird.

The wife now has a choice. She can respond by either “turning toward” or “turning away” from her husband, as Gottman puts it. Though the bird-bid might seem minor and silly, it can actually reveal a lot about the health of the relationship. The husband thought the bird was important enough to bring it up in conversation and the question is whether his wife recognizes and respects that.

People who turned toward their partners in the study responded by engaging the bidder, showing interest and support in the bid. Those who didn’t—those who turned away—would not respond or respond minimally and continue doing whatever they were doing, like watching TV or reading the paper. Sometimes they would respond with overt hostility, saying something like, “Stop interrupting me, I’m reading.”

These bidding interactions had profound effects on marital well-being. Couples who had divorced after a six-year follow up had “turn-toward bids” 33 percent of the time. Only three in ten of their bids for emotional connection were met with intimacy. The couples who were still together after six years had “turn-toward bids” 87 percent of the time. Nine times out of ten, they were meeting their partner’s emotional needs.

Much of it comes down to the spirit couples bring to the relationship. Do they bring kindness and generosity; or contempt, criticism, and hostility?


And another excerpt: 

“There’s a habit of mind that the masters have,” Gottman explained in an interview, “which is this: they are scanning social environment for things they can appreciate and say thank you for. They are building this culture of respect and appreciation very purposefully. Disasters are scanning the social environment for partners’ mistakes.”

“It’s not just scanning environment,” chimed in Julie Gottman. “It’s scanning the partner for what the partner is doing right or scanning him for what he’s doing wrong and criticizing versus respecting him and expressing appreciation." 

Rippy


Sandra Dodd

That's wonderful, Rippy!!

Here's a quote from the author of that article (part of what Rippy brought, in hopes that anyone who skimmed that post will go back and read it carefully):

"Much of it comes down to the spirit couples bring to the relationship. Do they bring kindness and generosity; or contempt, criticism, and hostility?"

I've been at Rippy's house and seen her family in action.  She and Graham are really kind to each other and it shows in the faces of their children.

Sandra

Rinelle

I’m struggling a bit with this at the moment. I love listening to what my husband has to say, but right now he’s interested in video cameras, and loves to discuss them in great detail. His conversations will go on for a long time, frequently getting side tracked into technical details that I don’t understand, and seem to have no end or point. At the same time, I have my daughter trying to talk to me, and my husband being frustrated at the interruptions. I don’t blame my daughter though, because she can’t wait until he’s finished speaking, since he doesn’t seem to finish, even if he knows she’s waiting to say something.
 
I guess my husband is needing the connection a lot right now, and I want to be able to give him that. I just don’t know how to respond appropriately to a topic I don’t know much about (and can’t really follow, he starts using acronyms I’ve never even heard of, but if I ask him to explain, that’s another side track that adds to the conversation). I’m a pretty literal person, and find it hard to follow a rambling conversation. I keep looking for the point he’s trying to make, and I can’t find one. I’m not sure there is one. I think it’s just thinking aloud.
 
I’m also struggling with how to keep connecting with my daughter at the same time, often trying to follow and respond to two conversations at the same time.
 
And sometimes I’d just like to finish what I was typing when he started talking, before I forget what I was saying.
 
Tamara

Sandra Dodd

When we were in the car, if my husband started talking about retirement funds, or politics at work, if there were kids in the car, I would suggest it would be better to talk about something everyone could get in on. Or sometimes I would steer the conversation that way myself.

There were a couple of times I reminded him I was at work, when I was with the kids, and If one of them needed me, that's what my job was. But not in a mean way. Sometimes I call him at work just to talk, but I always see whether it's a good time. Sometimes it isn't.

Don't use either of those too much, but I think they're reasonable things to consider.

The article Rippy brought (which was great!) didn't address unschooling families when a child and a spouse both have a story to tell at the same time. :-)

Sandra

Sandra@...

Tamara, today's "Crooked Brains" has a gadget you might want to show your husband.  A stabilizer for a video camera. :-)


Sometimes with kids, when the mom doesn't understand the hobby/interest/game, she might still be on the lookout for tie-ins or resources.  Maybe you could do that, too.

Sandra