Marta Pires

A few weeks ago, my daughter Constança (5 years old) had an abscess on a tooth that has a cavity. We took her to the dentist, who just took a look, and she was medicated and it went away. Last weekend, she complained about the tooth again, and it looked like it was infected again (swollen cheek and pain). This time we gave her a pain killer/anti-inflammatory medication at home (the dentist said we could have done that in the first place, when we went there, so we decided to try) and she was ok the next day. She's doing ok now. 

The reason I'm writing is because these events have triggered a lot of fears and anxiety in me that I wasn't aware I was prone to. I've felt some very mild anxiety occasionally throughout my life, but nothing like what I experienced now. Well, to be honest I had already felt anxious and very insecure when Constança was born (and it disappeared once I found attachment parenting sites and starting feeling more confident and secure in what I was doing/wanted to do), but again, nothing like what I experienced last week. I didn't feel like doing any house work, didn't feel like being online, didn't feel like talking to anyone, didn't feel like doing anything really. Just felt like being with her, but I was very tense and my mind was swirling with a lot of fear-provoking thoughts.

I understand, from what I've read so far, that part of this probably has to do with my personality -- worrying about other people's suffering, in this case worrying about my daughter's pain and foreseeing even more distress because of possible trips to the dentist.

I also believe that it probably doesn't help that my mom has always been a person that worries a lot. Every time my brother or I had any issue health-wise, we would go to the doctor. I remember her coming with me to the doctor (into the doctor's office for the appointment) when I was well into my 20's. She would do almost all of the talking. I realize she did all of this because she cared about us and worried about us. With my father's cancer, diagnosed 3 years ago, it's as if all of her fears have been confirmed and that makes her stress even more about us and my daughter, naturally. She pressures us a lot to take Constança to the doctor, even for minor things like a stuffed nose.

My husband Bruno usually worries a bit too (he had a traumatic experience with his first daughter Beatriz, who spent a lot of time in the hospital for the first months of her life, and had some medical issues as a child; she's ok now) and has some anxiety issues of his own. Regarding health matters in particular, he checks things on the internet because I believe it helps him calm down, but for me, it's the other way around -- I get even more caught up in my thoughts and in crazy scenarios. 

I found Rippy Dusseldorp's writings on a discussion here about how she dealt/deals with anxiety. Thank you Rippy, for sharing what worked for you, it helped me a lot. I also checked Sandra's Mental Health page, but the writings there are more directed toward dealing with depression. What I would like to ask for are suggestions on how to deal with anxiety, mainly what to do in the moment (when the heart starts to race and I think I can't handle anything) and the moments after (when at the slightest thought, the heart starts to race again and the head starts to swirl). This last weekend these moments went on for more than a day. Any suggestions for further reading are also welcome.

I remember reading something Sandra wrote about visualizing the mother we want to be and lean in that direction. The mother I want to be for my daughter is one that can keep a steady and clear mind in the face of stress and one that can defend her daughter but won't lose sight of what is important/needed. These episodes have shown me that I've still got a lot of work to do in moving toward the mother I want to be.

Thanks in advance for any insight you might have.

Marta Pires
Constança, 5 years old
Lisbon, Portugal

PS: On a more positive note, I think that the personal growth that I've experienced in the past three years (and which I owe to Sandra and Joyce and Pam S. and Alex P. and all the wonderful, generous women that help us by analyzing and discussing unschooling and human nature on this list) has already brought me benefits, in spite of this anxiety issue and me not knowing how to deal with it. These events have made me be even more present with my daughter, in a new, sweeter and more loving way. I know what happened was minor (in terms of her health), but it has made me value her and the fact that she is alive and healthy even more. Another small something changed inside and it feels good! :-)

Ali Zeljo

Dear Marta, I, too, have experienced more serious anxiety over the past year. I never would have understood how it felt before experiencing it myself! It is definitely not helpful for unschooling! I'm excited to read the responses here.

The specific things that I have done and found to help me are: meditating even a small time in the morning if I can before my kids wake up, homeopathy (aconite specifically), taking B-vitamins, exercise outside or even just time outdoors, and most recently the Byron Katie method of questioning each fear or anxious thought that pops into my head. The last one is known as "the work" and doesn't come easily to me, but sometimes I can just apply the gist of it in a feeling way- like a reminder that this is not a worst case scenario and I can relax.
(http://www.thework.com/thework-4questions.php)

It is a strange coincidence that my son recently had a swollen cheek and abscess too, which triggered my own anxiety! He had one a year ago too which was the start of this whole anxious time for me!

I have found the anxiety symptoms produce more anxiety about the palpitations (is something wrong with my heart?!) and more symptoms, and it continues to compound. It is really helpful to find a way to recognize it very early so I can stop it. The Aconite helps me with that, as does just making statements like, oh that feeling is anxiety. And then I make a very conscious effort to do something that makes me feel better. Dancing with the kids, laying on the ground, walking, smiling, laughing, singing all are helpful for me. It has been fun to figure out what makes me feel good. Gosh, I have never focused on that before! It's a gift!

Warmly,
Ali

Joanne Maslin


On 26/05/2014, at 8:46 am, Marta Pires martaborgespires@... [AlwaysLearning] <[email protected]> wrote:

 What I would like to ask for are suggestions on how to deal with anxiety, mainly what to do in the moment (when the heart starts to race and I think I can't handle anything) and the moments after (when at the slightest thought, the heart starts to race again and the head starts to swirl). This last weekend these moments went on for more than a day. Any suggestions for further reading are also welcome.



hi

i think i know a little about what you are experiencing, i too have had this sort of feeling come up from time to time … just recently for me was when one of my son’s was having a surgery … for me i think it came down to the powerlessness i sometimes felt when he was in hospital, relying on the specialists there to do their job - and having little control over how well they did their job!

what helped me was to hold on to the thought in my mind that i had done all i could do to make things go smoothly for my son… and deep breaths!!

lots of deep breaths :-)

i think exercise is supposed to help too - by using up adrenaline that is produced in the body too - when the body goes into the fight/flight ‘mode’ if that is triggered by anxiety … not always so easy when sitting holding a recovering child… but, could be useful if the child is ok and keen for a quick walk!

i too will be interested in ideas and thoughts, thank you for bringing it up!


regards,
Jo

Sarah Stone-Francisco

There's a breathing practice that is very helpful called 4:6 breathing. Inhale slowly for a count of 4, exhale slowly for a count of 6. It helps to take even just one of these breaths when you notice anxious thoughts. The more often you do this and the more breaths you take each time both help to calm down the nervous system.

Since emotions and feelings are both fed by thoughts, find something that you feel is truly peaceful or a moment in your life where you felt really powerful. When you notice anxious or unwanted thoughts, do the breathing exercise above and immediately turn you attention/mental awareness to the peaceful or powerful thought.

love, sarah

Pam Sorooshian

The Greater Good Science Center has resources that might be very useful.

"Based at the University of California, Berkeley, the GGSC is unique in its commitment to both science and practice: not only do we sponsor groundbreaking scientific research into social and emotional well-being, we help people apply this research to their personal and professional lives. "


Here is a blog post from GGSC with suggestions for how to get out of that high anxiety mode:
http://greatergood.berkeley.edu/article/item/just_one_thing_leave_the_red_zone


This is a quiz that measures stress level, then after you take the quiz they offer resources for helping with anxiety and stress.
http://greatergood.berkeley.edu/quizzes/take_quiz/8

There are many resources on the GGSC website. Search it using keyword anxiety or stress.

Pam



On Mon, May 26, 2014 at 8:23 AM, Sarah Stone-Francisco sarah.stonefrancisco@... [AlwaysLearning] <[email protected]> wrote:
There's a breathing practice that is very helpful called 4:6 breathing. Inhale slowly for a count of 4, exhale slowly for a count of 6. It helps to take even just one of these breaths when you notice anxious thoughts. The more often you do this and the more breaths you take each time both help to calm down the nervous system.

Since emotions and feelings are both fed by thoughts, find something that you feel is truly peaceful or a moment in your life where you felt really powerful. When you notice anxious or unwanted thoughts, do the breathing exercise above and immediately turn you attention/mental awareness to the peaceful or powerful thought.

love, sarah

------------------------------------
Posted by: Sarah Stone-Francisco <sarah.stonefrancisco@...>
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lisajceledon@...



 Kaiden (my 2.5 yr old) has cavities in his molars and decay on his front teeth and that has been a trigger of anxiety for me.
Sometimes, when Kai is laughing or smiling, and I see his teeth, I feel this feeling of dread, and anxiety kicks in. I'm glad it happens when he's laughing and smiling, because his joy makes it so much easier to breathe and come back to him, and the lovely moment, and feeling calm. When he's crying I don't look at his teeth, because it's harder then. When that feeling of dread and anxiety about his teeth comes up, I try to think instead about how thriving and healthy and alive and sweet and fun he is, and about how much progress I've made as a person and a parent, and everything I am doing well for him. 

It was really helpful for me to read through the archives here about caring for children's teeth, and to know that there are factors that contributed to the problem that were out of my control.  In Kai's case, he had a tight upper lip tie that was not fixed until he was 22 months, and it had already caused a fair amount of decay.  I hadn't known before he started getting tooth decay that a lip tie could cause that (in fact, I didn't even know there was a such thing as a lip tie).  For him it is also genetic (my husband and I both have teeth issues). It also helps me calm down when I remember that I am making thoughtful, pro-active choices about his dental care while keeping a peaceful, trust-building relationship in mind, and that even if I were to go back to a more controlling, limiting, or forceful way of managing his teeth, they would probably still be just as bad, possibly worse. 

I think part of my anxiety comes from the fear or the insecurity that I'm not an adequate caregiver, a feeling that adequate care, or safety and well-being don't exist or are somehow inevitably out of my reach, which is baggage from my childhood.  Knowing which parts of this particular issue (Kai's teeth, or any aspect of my children's health care) are *not* under my control, and not a result of irresponsibility or neglect of some sort, helps me put my fears in perspective.  Likewise, knowing things that are within my power to do, like taking an active, caring role for my son, and for his teeth, helps me counteract the fear that I'm inadequate, or irresponsible.  It hasn't prevented me from ever feeling anxious about it, but it definitely gives me reassuring thoughts to ease the anxiety, and helps my fears fade more quickly- by recognizing them not as proof of the present, but as products of the past.  The more I practice being a caring, care-giving parent, the more I believe that well-being for my children is not only possible, but that it is here, now, in their life, in lots of ways, because I am creating it.  That empowers me to continue providing it.
 
I want to say, this hasn't come easily.  When I write it, it sounds so simple and clear, but it didn't feel that simple and clear in practice, in learning it. Learning it was messy.  I'm still learning it.  I forget sometimes that remaining in fear is a choice, even if all the triggers are not. But I'm learning how to move forward from those moments, instead of getting stuck in the dismay of 'getting it wrong.'  Which is good. It's progress.  It's taken practice even to see progress!  


<<
On a more positive note, I think that the personal growth that I've experienced in the past three years (and which I owe to Sandra and Joyce and Pam S. and Alex P. and all the wonderful, generous women that help us by analyzing and discussing unschooling and human nature on this list) has already brought me benefits, in spite of this anxiety issue and me not knowing how to deal with it. These events have made me be even more present with my daughter, in a new, sweeter and more loving way. I know what happened was minor (in terms of her health), but it has made me value her and the fact that she is alive and healthy even more. Another small something changed inside and it feels good!>>

I loved reading that.  :)

Lisa C  

semajrak@...

>>>>>These episodes have shown me that I've still got a lot of work to do in moving toward the mother I want to be.<<<<<

I have lived with anxiety pretty much all of my adult life.  It started in high school.  I actually remember my first panic attack.  Both my mom and dad live with anxiety - my mom more than my dad. From what little my mom has told me about her mom, it sounds like she lived with it too.  I think, for me, it's partly inherited, partly learned, and has been partly nurtured (by me) as a component of my identity. The inherited part I can't do much about.  I accept that. I now realize that the learned part means I now have the opportunity to learn new ways. That takes time and commitment on my part. The nurtured part is tricky for me.  It is difficult to let go of a way of being that has afforded me certain liberties.  

Ethan also has a bit of anxiety, depending on the situation. I have noticed that the way I help him move through an anxious moment is way more gentle and loving than the way I help myself do the same - more so in the past.  To him I say "Take a deep breath and blow all the way out."  I rub his back and encourage him to do that again.  I take him for a walk. I distract him for a moment, then when he's feeling calmer we talk about what happened if he's feeling like it. If not we don't, but I find a way to encourage him gently.  Consequently, over the past five years, he has gradually moved through his anxious moments with more ease, and is starting to learn some of his own tools to help himself.

I, on the other hand, use to (and still do at times) have an unkind running commentary in my head over my own anxiety.  I would say things to myself like "Just get over it."  or "Pull yourself together. You look like an idiot." or "Forget it. You're going to fail." Harsh things I would never in a million years say to another human being.  That didn't help at all.  

I think it's important to remember you aren't having episodes.  You are experiencing a reaction to feelings.  A big emotional reaction that will take some skill and practice to maneuver.  Skills you will need to learn if you haven't experienced that level of anxiety before. I understand that's what you are looking for in your question. It's wonderful that you are.  But, be gentle with yourself as you learn. Know that by learning and wanting to learn you *are* being the mother you want to be. It's not a perfect gig, this mothering thing.  You don't get to do it flawlessly without any fear or mistakes.  But you do get to set an example of how one moves through difficulties. Be gentle, generous and open to change with/in yourself. I actually believe one of the greatest gifts we can give our kids is to witness us do this for ourselves, and, perhaps, to consequently help them learn to do so for themselves as well.

Karen.  

semajrak@...

>>>>>What I would like to ask for are suggestions on how to deal with anxiety, mainly what to do in the moment (when the heart starts to race and I think I can't handle anything) and the moments after (when at the slightest thought, the heart starts to race again and the head starts to swirl).<<<<<

Here are some things I do:

I take a deep breaths and move around.  I find sitting still doesn't help me.  

I take my mind to a better place.  I try to think of things that make me happy.

I paint or draw or take photos.  Making things has always been a way for me to get my fears and feelings out.  I find that very therapeutic.  

I write.  Again writing helps me direct some of my pent up energy to a positive (hopefully) place.  

I spend time with the people I love and focus on the things I love about them.  For Doug, it's the soft way he talks and his sense of humour.  For Ethan, it's his smile and his never ending curiosity.

I walk.  The rhythm of walking seems to help me greatly.  

I do something nice for myself or for someone I love.  Redirecting my energy toward something that feels good seems to help me move away from feelings that are paralyzingly uncomfortable.

While doing any one of these things I pay some attention to my thoughts in a bystander kind of way.  I look at them like I'm reading headlines.  They seem to hold less importance for me then, and I can clearly see the recurring ones.  That gives me clues to what is really triggering my anxiety, and gives me some idea of what I need to do to help myself move through it.  

I'm kind to myself.  I tell myself it's all going to be fine, and that I have confidence in myself that I will make it through okay.  Sometimes I just have to be present with the feelings.  Nothing I do seems to alleviate them.  That's rare these days, but it still happens.  During those times I ride it out as gracefully as I can, which is to say not so gracefully, but better than if I wasn't being good to myself.  After it passes I say "Phew!" and count my limbs to make sure I haven't lost too many in the storm.  Then I resume moving forward.  :-)

Karen.

Jenny Cyphers

"The reason I'm writing is because these events have triggered a lot of fears and anxiety in me that I wasn't aware I was prone to. I've felt some very mild anxiety occasionally throughout my life, but nothing like what I experienced now."

What I learned from needing to take heart medication is that beta blockers block adrenaline. It's the same medication given for anxiety. When a person experiences the rush of adrenaline, it courses through your body and reaches your heart which pumps faster, giving a person the push to run or fight.  However, when the threat is in our own heads, what you end up with is a racing heart and anxiety. 

This is why, as others have suggested, walking, or running work great to disperse the adrenaline. Breathing works to slow the heart rate down and prevent adrenaline from dispersing into the body so quickly.  Someone else suggested that the measured beat of walking helps a lot and that doesn't surprise me because it does both, slows down the heart rate and burns the adrenaline rush.

I've played around with the beta blockers because I like adrenaline, it gives me energy to get stuff done, but I've also become keenly aware of when my heart is receiving too much of it and it hurts.  

So, since I've played with it, I've noticed that there are times that I'm anxious because of my own thoughts.  I never really paid much attention to it before.  I'm a pretty happy go lucky person, so for the most part those blips of anxiety were a catalyst for getting dishes done, or some other methodical work.  But I've now realized that because I'm more keenly aware, those anxiety producing moments can escalate really fast, faster than I ever thought possible.

The key is to change your thoughts AND take measures to calm the adrenaline rush.  I find it helps to sit in the moment and notice my heart beat racing, and then to actively slow it. Those little bits of anxiety really can be blips unless you allow them to escalate, and people do, I've seen it.  It's what looks like spinning out of control. It's the opposite of being mindful and aware.  And doing dishes still helps a lot! :)

Sandra Dodd

-=-Breathing works to slow the heart rate down and prevent adrenaline from dispersing into the body so quickly.-=-

I think deep breaths, at first, get more oxygen deeper into the system and it cancels out some already-delivered adrenaline, and after one's heart starts to slow down, slower breaths can keep things calm.  

Shallower breaths at first, though, don't create as much "first aid" calm as very slow, very deep breaths, alternating with letting as much air as possible out, then huffing out the last of it, holding that out for a beat or two, and then taking a long, slow, really deep breath.  Reapeated a few times, adrenaline can be flushed out pretty quickly, it seems.  Or at least the panic that adrenaline can bring will start to subside.

Sandra

bobcollier@...

A link to this video was in my Facebook feed today. This is an interesting and simple mechanical response - throwing a small ball from one hand to the other. The video's about five minutes. 


NLP, Neurology and Anxiety #2

 


A method I've used that's helped me: I put one hand on my heart, the other hand over it and move both hands clockwise in a slow circular motion while taking seven deep breaths. When I read about this years ago I was told it was what Samurais did before going into battle. Don't know if that's true or not but I've found it helpful.


Will try the simple exercise in the video from now on to see how that goes. If I remember to carry a small ball with me in my pocket.


Bob