<mmarr@...>

My hand bumped the mouse pad on the laptop and my last message got sent before my thought was complete -- but that did let me finally figure out what I was meaning to ask. 


What do you do when/if older teens suddenly question what's worked in the family just fine for years -- in this  case my daughter deciding that I don't care what she wears because she's watching her friends have huge wardrobe battles with their own mothers. She's not seeing that I've gently guided choices over the years, and these days she doesn't make many choices that require me to speak up. 


Michelle 


jo2171

Hi Michelle, have you tried talking to her?, could you ask her if she Really thinks you don't care? Perhaps she wants/needs some attention? It sounds like quite a provocative statement if that's what she said. It might be a way to start a conversation, to feel cared for, maybe?



Sent from my iPad


On 3 May 2014, at 20:47, <mmarr@...> wrote:

 

My hand bumped the mouse pad on the laptop and my last message got sent before my thought was complete -- but that did let me finally figure out what I was meaning to ask. 


What do you do when/if older teens suddenly question what's worked in the family just fine for years -- in this  case my daughter deciding that I don't care what she wears because she's watching her friends have huge wardrobe battles with their own mothers. She's not seeing that I've gently guided choices over the years, and these days she doesn't make many choices that require me to speak up. 


Michelle 


<sukaynalabboun@...>

I am honest with her. She knows why  I might make a suggestion, we have discussed what is appropriate for time,place, etc. so I would probably say that I trust her choices, that if something seemed off, we would discuss it. In our family there are not "battles" over anything, thankfully, and we value being honest and thoughtful. Maybe it would help to compare, with her, the lifestyle differences between other families and yours. Not to deride the others, but to help her see why the things which create such issues are not a part of your lives. It really goes back to that history of trust and honesty, being reliable and trustworthy, kind and loving, that I find has made the bond strong between myself and my sixteen year old girl. She has only confided to me how sad she feels when her friends (or their parents or siblings!) are disrespectful to each other. She pretty much sees the value of why we live the way we do, why we work hard to protect the peace and security we have. She has also thanked my for not being like the other moms, which feels good....that positive feedback from her.

<robin.bentley@...>

~ She's not seeing that I've gently guided choices over the years, and these days she doesn't make many choices that require me to speak up. ~

Perhaps what you think of as "caring" isn't how she's thinking of it.

You're seeing caring about what she wears as your parental responsibility - making appropriate choices, "guiding" her to do what you think is right. And now being content that you don't need to do that anymore.

Maybe she sees "caring" as you being really interested in what she loves and would like more of that.

It seems like your interest is limited. You said your styles were opposite. Perhaps she doesn't feel like it's very important to you, the thing that's very important to her.

How do you react when she puts together a fab outfit? Vague disinterest? A once-over to see if it's "approved"? Or do you talk about how colors go together, her accessorizing, her personal style? Do you help her find what makes her heart sing?

If she's a fashionista, then it's a huge part of who she is. Supporting her love is your job, as much as your responsibility to tell her what t-shirts could be offensive.

Whole-hearted confirmation of her passion (Meredith wrote about some good ways to do that) might be what she really wants from you.