<llanztama@...>

So, I think that I may have allowed a not great situation to get worse.  A few years ago, we were friends with another family-the father and my husband were close and our kids were inseparable.  The friendship between my husband and the father ended in a very nasty way and, in the last two years, the father has refused to even speak to my husband.  The wife and I were not close, but friendly enough.  Since then, we see them at our synagogue and the children play together and have a great time.  The problem is, that, before the acrimony, their kids would play at our house frequently.  They had sleepovers on a monthly, sometimes weekly basis.  Well, since then, they have been at our house a handful of times-always with a very rigid time frame and have not been allowed to sleepover at all.


My 11 year old, Doris, has been very upset by the whole situation.  She feels (as do I) that the family is penalizing our children over an argument that has nothing to do with them.  We have moved on and have tried to show the family (particularly the father) that we want to put the hostility behind us, but he has not budged.  So, Doris has been talking about writing a letter to the parents to express how hurt she is by the situation.  I hesitated on it for a few months, but finally said that it might be a good idea.  So, the problem is, that I let her write the letter her way, and it was full of her frustration and anger.  When I looked at the letter, I looked at it through my eyes: I saw a letter written by a hurt and passionate 11 year old who was venting her frustration.  The parents of the girls, however, saw it as insulting and disrespectful. 


So, now I am not sure what to do.  The mother called me to express how angry she was and I tried to explain that this was the ranting of a hurt 11 year old child, but she felt that Doris had no right to ask the questions of why the girls couldn't play or sleepover.  That those were questions that she might answer for her own children or not, but certainly wouldn't feel the need to answer for mine.  In hindsight, I think that I should have encouraged her to reword the letter.


I know that Doris did not mean to be disrespectful and I am wondering if it makes sense for her to write a letter of apology and explanation.  My husband feels that we should leave it alone, but I just feel that a door that may have been ajar has now been slammed shut and all of our children are going to suffer.


Lisa

Stacey Valnes

Sounds like this is an unhealthy relationship all the way around and maybe best to explain this to your children.

I would not want my children with another family whose father has ill-will and so many judgments about my family.

Pray for them, wish them everything you would want for your own family and find loving supportive families to engage with.



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From: [email protected] [mailto:[email protected]] On Behalf Of llanztama@...
Sent: Sunday, April 27, 2014 6:07 AM
To: [email protected]
Subject: [AlwaysLearning] How to handle a tricky interpersonal issue with another family





So, I think that I may have allowed a not great situation to get worse. A few years ago, we were friends with another family-the father and my husband were close and our kids were inseparable. The friendship between my husband and the father ended in a very nasty way and, in the last two years, the father has refused to even speak to my husband. The wife and I were not close, but friendly enough. Since then, we see them at our synagogue and the children play together and have a great time. The problem is, that, before the acrimony, their kids would play at our house frequently. They had sleepovers on a monthly, sometimes weekly basis. Well, since then, they have been at our house a handful of times-always with a very rigid time frame and have not been allowed to sleepover at all.



My 11 year old, Doris, has been very upset by the whole situation. She feels (as do I) that the family is penalizing our children over an argument that has nothing to do with them. We have moved on and have tried to show the family (particularly the father) that we want to put the hostility behind us, but he has not budged. So, Doris has been talking about writing a letter to the parents to express how hurt she is by the situation. I hesitated on it for a few months, but finally said that it might be a good idea. So, the problem is, that I let her write the letter her way, and it was full of her frustration and anger. When I looked at the letter, I looked at it through my eyes: I saw a letter written by a hurt and passionate 11 year old who was venting her frustration. The parents of the girls, however, saw it as insulting and disrespectful.



So, now I am not sure what to do. The mother called me to express how angry she was and I tried to explain that this was the ranting of a hurt 11 year old child, but she felt that Doris had no right to ask the questions of why the girls couldn't play or sleepover. That those were questions that she might answer for her own children or not, but certainly wouldn't feel the need to answer for mine. In hindsight, I think that I should have encouraged her to reword the letter.



I know that Doris did not mean to be disrespectful and I am wondering if it makes sense for her to write a letter of apology and explanation. My husband feels that we should leave it alone, but I just feel that a door that may have been ajar has now been slammed shut and all of our children are going to suffer.



Lisa





[Non-text portions of this message have been removed]

Sandra Dodd

-=-So, now I am not sure what to do.  The mother called me to express how angry she was and I tried to explain that this was the ranting of a hurt 11 year old child, but she felt that Doris had no right to ask the questions of why the girls couldn't play or sleepover.  That those were questions that she might answer for her own children or not, but certainly wouldn't feel the need to answer for mine. -=-

The other mother is taking her husband's side, which is what she should do.  Her family integrity should be her primary goal.

I'm glad you're seeing your part in the problem.  If you're your child's partner, then your team shares the loss.  If she (on behalf of your team) had asked nicely whether there was any way for the children to visit, or maybe mett in  neutral place, the other mom might have been able to answer that .

But the loss of contact with others can come from all kinds of breakups and life choices.

I agree with your husband about leaving it alone.  If you and your daughter can't possibly do that, though, maybe a simple VERY SHORT note that says "I'm sorry I worded that badly, and I hope someday [girl's name] and I can be friends again" is as much as should be said, I think.    

If your daughter has been wanting to do something (dance, theatre, travel) this might be a good time.  Healing, and new people.  

Sandra