Young Children Discussing Sex
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Today, a neighbor girl (J, 8 years old), told my 8 and 5 year olds that she had a secret. I happened to walk outside right as she was telling my 5 year old "[Boy] and I are going to have sex." Without thinking my first reaction was "Whoa!", but I immediately took a deep breath, sat down, and calmly asked J "So, what do you think that means?"
She said she didn't know, but that she loved this boy so she was going to have sex with him. I asked where she had heard that idea, and she said another neighbor (who is 5) told her that because she loves this boy, they should have sex. My 8 year old said, "Mom, I was going to tell you!" and J said "I told you it was a secret!" I told them both that some secrets are fun, but some things are important to tell a grown up and that I was glad my daughter was planning on telling me.
I know J's mom a bit, so when she came over a few minutes later, I told her about the conversation, in a "Just thought you should have a heads up about what your daughter is talking about," kind of way. She said that J doesn't really know anything beyond "when mommy and daddy love each other, 9 months later a baby comes,"
So, my kids both know way more than J, because we've discussed the whole biological process. Not in great detail, but in a factual, anatomically correct way as their questions have come up. I told them that J's mom should be the one to tell her though.
I don't know how/if to approach the 5 year old girl, K, who told J that she should have sex with this boy. I hardly know her, and it's not an in-the-moment conversation like it was with J, so it seems highly inappropriate to just bring it up. However, I also don't know her mom, so I'm hesitant to go meet her for the first time and then maybe get her in trouble or who knows what. I have no way of knowing how her mom will react.
But I'd like to know if this girl just has knowledge of the biological facts, like my kids do, or if something more is going on in her life that I need to be cautious about exposing my kids to, because she IS telling other kids "if you love that boy you should have sex with him!"
So, I'm not even sure what my question is, I'm just hoping to get some feedback and perspective on the whole situation. For the most part, I feel like I have a pretty good handle on talking to my kids about sex. We've been open, casual, factual, and non-shaming. But I have no idea how to handle other kids talking to my kids about sex, especially wanting them to keep those conversations a secret, and my 8 year old thinking about her 8 year old friends having sex, etc.
She said she didn't know, but that she loved this boy so she was going to have sex with him. I asked where she had heard that idea, and she said another neighbor (who is 5) told her that because she loves this boy, they should have sex. My 8 year old said, "Mom, I was going to tell you!" and J said "I told you it was a secret!" I told them both that some secrets are fun, but some things are important to tell a grown up and that I was glad my daughter was planning on telling me.
I know J's mom a bit, so when she came over a few minutes later, I told her about the conversation, in a "Just thought you should have a heads up about what your daughter is talking about," kind of way. She said that J doesn't really know anything beyond "when mommy and daddy love each other, 9 months later a baby comes,"
So, my kids both know way more than J, because we've discussed the whole biological process. Not in great detail, but in a factual, anatomically correct way as their questions have come up. I told them that J's mom should be the one to tell her though.
I don't know how/if to approach the 5 year old girl, K, who told J that she should have sex with this boy. I hardly know her, and it's not an in-the-moment conversation like it was with J, so it seems highly inappropriate to just bring it up. However, I also don't know her mom, so I'm hesitant to go meet her for the first time and then maybe get her in trouble or who knows what. I have no way of knowing how her mom will react.
But I'd like to know if this girl just has knowledge of the biological facts, like my kids do, or if something more is going on in her life that I need to be cautious about exposing my kids to, because she IS telling other kids "if you love that boy you should have sex with him!"
So, I'm not even sure what my question is, I'm just hoping to get some feedback and perspective on the whole situation. For the most part, I feel like I have a pretty good handle on talking to my kids about sex. We've been open, casual, factual, and non-shaming. But I have no idea how to handle other kids talking to my kids about sex, especially wanting them to keep those conversations a secret, and my 8 year old thinking about her 8 year old friends having sex, etc.
Sandra Dodd
I would say that sex is for grownups, for grownup bodies, not for little children. Not said in such a way that they want to try it out to play grownups, but in a way that says it's a natural thing for grown people, and not a good thing for children to even play with or talk about playing with.
For me, personally, I would say that secrets should be about birthday gifts or happy surprises, not about sneaky, bad things. They don't need to agree to keep secrets for other kids. It can be dangerous.
It doesn't need biological information. More like legal information, cultural information, maybe.
Sandra
For me, personally, I would say that secrets should be about birthday gifts or happy surprises, not about sneaky, bad things. They don't need to agree to keep secrets for other kids. It can be dangerous.
It doesn't need biological information. More like legal information, cultural information, maybe.
Sandra