Rinelle

My mother in law likes to send my daughter (9) long messages on her iPad, and has expressed concern (to my husband) that my daughter only answers in one or two words. Any thoughts on how we can handle this? I’m not concerned about my daughter’s writing, and I personally think that her responses are more personality driven (mother in law’s messages tend to be long and wordy, while my daughter tends to be brief and to the point).
 
While I’m writing, my mother in law has also twice now decided to give my daughter ‘jobs’ that she offers to pay her for. Some of these are within her capabilities (making a rainbow loom bracelet), other’s aren’t (like asking a beginning crocheter to join squares crocheted by her mother). I’m not sure how to handle these both directly to my mother in law, and to my daughter later on. I don’t want to be pushing my daughter to do these things, but nor do I want more responses from my mother in law about how my daughter isn’t being responsible or something.
 
(In case this isn’t clear in my messages, I have a long history of issues with my mother in law being controlling of my husband, and our relationship, so this probably colours my reactions. I’m trying not to let it.)
 
Thanks,
 
Tamara

Pam Sorooshian


On Wed, Feb 19, 2014 at 1:23 AM, Rinelle <rinelle@...> wrote:

My mother in law likes to send my daughter (9) long messages on her iPad, and has expressed concern (to my husband) that my daughter only answers in one or two words.>>>

If she's expressed it to your husband, not you, then you don't have to do or say anything about it. Let it go. If she expresses it to you, then smile and say, "Yeah, I know - she's just a person of few words." Not apologetically, just casually and lightly like you would if it was about any other person.

 
>> I don’t want to be pushing my daughter to do these things, but nor do I want more responses from my mother in law about how my daughter isn’t being responsible or something.>>

I think you should let these be between your daughter and mil and stop trying to control what your mil is going to think. So what if she thinks your daughter is irresponsible? If she doesn't say it to you or her, then it doesn't matter. If she does, then smile and say, casually, "Oh, she's really just fine for her age. I'm not worried." 

When my mil lived with us, she used to criticize me (my housekeeping and cooking and the way I was with our little children) to my husband. But she didn't complain to me. I told him to just keep it to himself and then she and I got along great. 

If you have a mil who is critical or tends to complain about things, you probably need to toughen up and not be responsive except in a light and casual way. If she's critical, she'll find things to criticize anyway so you're wasting your attention and brain power to even think about it and try to head it off.

-pam


<semajrak@...>

>>>>>My mother in law likes to send my daughter (9) long messages on her iPad<<<<<

and, later

>>>>>I have a long history of issues with my mother-in-law<<<<<

One of my own regrets is that I let my issues with my own in-laws colour the way I looked at Ethan's relationship with them early on.  The relationship your mother-in-law will have with your daughter will be very different from the one she had with you and your husband.  In my mind it is so lovely for a child to be surrounded by people who love her, care about her well-being, and want to spend some time with her.  If you can think of providing your daughter with abundance by embracing her relationship with her grandmother, perhaps you can come up with some creative, positive solutions to issues that might pop up.  

>>>>>has expressed concern (to my husband) that my daughter only answers in one or two words. Any thoughts on how we can handle this? I’m not concerned about my daughter’s writing, and I personally think that her responses are more personality driven (mother in law’s messages tend to be long and wordy, while my daughter tends to be brief and to the point).<<<<<

Would Skype or Google chat be an option?  Could they type chat more often, so that messages might be more naturally shorter and more immediate?  Then your mother-in-law would get a better sense of how your daughter tends to communicate in writing.  Could you or your husband talk to your mother-in-law, and reassure her that it isn't personal (if it isn't).  

Does your daughter enjoy these letters or aspects of them?  If so, could you relay some of the sentiments your daughter expresses to your mother-in-law yourself?  Would your daughter be open to surprising her grandmother with a card in the mail or a recorded video address?  

I think sometimes grandmothers want to know that they play a meaningful role in their grandchildren's lives.  What comes across as criticism might be insecurity, especially if, like you said, there have been some difficult interactions between you and/or your husband and your mother-in-law in the past.

>>>>>While I’m writing, my mother in law has also twice now decided to give my daughter ‘jobs’ that she offers to pay her for. Some of these are within her capabilities (making a rainbow loom bracelet), other’s aren’t (like asking a beginning crocheter to join squares crocheted by her mother).<<<<<

How does your daughter feel about the jobs?  
 
>>>>>I’m not sure how to handle these both directly to my mother in law, and to my daughter later on. I don’t want to be pushing my daughter to do these things, but nor do I want more responses from my mother in law about how my daughter isn’t being responsible or something.<<<<<

If there isn't a situation where your daughter is at risk of being hurt or manipulated, I personally think it would be best to give your daughter and her grandmother room to navigate their own relationship.  Don't expect it to be perfect.  But, also, don't expect the worst.  Your daughter might need some suggestions for different issues that come up.  If you handle this relationship without bias and with your daughter's best interest in mind, she will be more open and willing to come to you with other relationships in the future.   
 
Karen.

<lisajceledon@...>

<<While I’m writing, my mother in law has also twice now decided to give my daughter ‘jobs’ that she offers to pay her for. >>

Does your daughter want to do the jobs?  I'd start with that, and if she does, do what you can to support her in getting the jobs done.   

<<I have a long history of issues with my mother in law being controlling of my husband, and our relationship,>>

Me too.  I have found that a little sweetness and courtesy goes a long way - courtesy and sweetness doesn't mean letting someone walk all over you or your family.  If what she is doing disturbs your daughter's peace, than address it, courteously, with your mother in law.  If what she's doing disturbs *your* peace, think about how you can restore your own peace without trying to control her.  

A good phrase I heard that has helped me with my mother in law is "Say what you mean, and don't say it mean."  

Having compassion for her has helped me too, she is so STRESSED all the time about all the things she can't change (like me not cutting my 4 yr old's hair, as a minor example), I feel for her.  But that's her.  Nothing I can do about it.  I do say things like, "I love his hair so much. I wouldn't dream of cutting it unless he wanted to." Things like that have had a disarming effect on her, even if they don't change her mind (or stop her from finding new, less direct ways of saying the same thing).

I had no relationship with any of my grand parents at all as a child, so I have found gratitude in that my in-laws want to be a part of their grandchildren's lives.  They love them and care about them.  Yes their attempts at control and meddling cause me stress- but the stress is mine, and blaming it on them was very counter productive for my happiness.  I'm learning how to maintain my own peace around the issues that come up (and often, that means calming down enough to know when I can let go of what my mother in law is doing and let her be, and when it's beneficial to set a boundary).  

And if she's not telling *you* all these things, but just your husband, consider that something to be grateful for.  It won't help foster peace in *your* family, if you're worrying about your husband's interactions with his mother.  

I was thinking too, though, does your husband share his mother's concerns?  Is that why he shares it with you?  That was an issue for my husband.  His mother's criticisms made him feel worried and like we needed to be doing things differently with the boys.  Sometimes we did.  When he would tell me something like that, I'd ask, 'well, what do you think is best?' Or, I'd say it the way I saw it, "You feel like it might be more important to keep your mom happy, than for Josh to be happy?" (This was about whether or not to cut my son's hair).  Putting things in perspective without judgement helps my husband make choices that make sense for him, not feeling like he has to do what his parents say he does, or what his wife says he does.
  
I was fed up with my mother in law's attempts to control my husband long before he was fed up with it.  I stopped being fed up, started being supportive of my boys and what they wanted and what makes them happy, and I did that for my husband too.  It gave everyone in my home relief, even though my mother in law is still as controlling as ever.  


Lisa C