Megan Valnes

Hi all,

I have been a lurker on this group for about a year or so now.  I have only posted once, at the very beginning, and it was very hasty and unthoughtful, and I had very little idea what unschooling was.  I took Sandra and Joyce's advice and hung back for awhile.  In that time, we have not become unschoolers.  We have 4 children ages 2, 5, 7, 9.  The oldest 3 are all in school and the youngest is still home and we do have help because I work with my husband in real estate.  We own our business and this has been part of the struggle of implementing unschooling into our lives.  However, this group, the website, and Sandra Dodd's book about unschooling have helped us tremendously.  Mainly myself, as I was very diet/technology/use of time-restrictive prior to knowing about unschooling.  I was controlling.  I have lightened up A LOT and my kids now enjoy their freedom with food, computers, TV, videos games, etc.  But alas, they are still in school, with bedtimes.

For a long time, I told myself I didn't want to unschool because I enjoy working so much.  This is only partly true.  I don't really find much passion in real estate (my education is in anthropology) but I do really enjoy working with my husband and all the fun we have during the day together.  It's also an ego thing.  Like "yes, I make money, I contribute, blah blah blah".  I am beginning to see more and more that my ego is not helping my family and wonderful children.

Mostly, my oldest child suffers.  And I mean really suffers.  He is crying and distraught right now at school.  He is there upset and I am here upset too because I feel so confused about what to do.  I am SCARED.  Fear is stopping me.  Fear of taking them out of school, quitting work, and being overwhelmed and unhappy.  Fear of no bedtimes and children up for all hours making me crazy. Fear that my husband will never really get the unschooling thing (I've tried to get him to read about it, but he hasn't).  Fear that I will be unsupported by my husband and therefore fail at this endeavor.  I know, and my husband knows, that our oldest child is not thriving in school.  He does well in class and has lots of friends, but he is anxious and frequently "sick".  He is overly aggressive and power hungry with his younger siblings and I think it's because he feels so powerless. My husband and I talk about "homeschooling" all the time and he knows my interest in unschooling, and yet he always reminds me that I would need a teacher here to teach the kids because I'm not cut out for it.  He also asks me if I really want the kids here with me ALL DAY?  And I think I do, but then that fear pops up again.  

I apologize for such a long post, I just feel like we are at a pivotal point here and something needs to happen.  Some change must occur or I am going to have an oldest son who is labeled (ADHA, depression), misunderstood, and miserable because of something (school) that does not have to happen.  I see that he may grow up and still be labeled and misunderstood by the greater world, but even then he could still know himself.  I feel like the greatness of who he is has been squashed by all the expectations school has placed on him.  And me too.  I have expected things from him that are not possible because it's simply not who he is.  I can see that I have wished I could change him instead of just loving him and accepting him for who is is.  That's a bad feeling for a mother to have.  The good news is, I'm changing and stretching a lot.

In my heart of hearts and gut, I know he needs to leave school.  And my other children would be so much happier at home too.  I need the words of wisdom I so often read here.  I need the holes in my argument to be exposed.  Help! Please!  

P.S. I have cc'd my husband on this email as he is not part of the group, I hope that's okay.
--
Warm regards,
Megan Valnes
Agent | Partner
Valnes Bell Realtors
310.367.0433 | m
310.390.6280 | o



Sandra Dodd

-=-Mostly, my oldest child suffers.  And I mean really suffers.  He is crying and distraught right now at school.  He is there upset and I am here upset too because I feel so confused about what to do.  I am SCARED.  Fear is stopping me. -=-

You could just bring him home, just him, for now.

It's fine that you copied your husband.  It was your writing!  :-)
If you want to forward responses to him, that's fine, too.

If you're willing to say where you live, we might be able to recommend a conference or gathering you and your husband could attend so he could meet some older unschoolers, see them with their dads, and get an idea of what it is in practical terms.

-=- I have expected things from him that are not possible because it's simply not who he is.  I can see that I have wished I could change him instead of just loving him and accepting him for who is is.  That's a bad feeling for a mother to have.  The good news is, I'm changing and stretching a lot.-=-

It doesn't need to be all or nothing.
If you let us know where you .. I just clicked you link.  Southern California!?    SO EASY!!!!

It seems a family realty business would be perfect for unschoolers.  You don't always show houses "during school hours," do you?

And you and your husband don't always need to both go?  And IF you took a child or two, so?  Cool for the kids!  They will learn a TON about the business, about architecture, construction/remodelling, geography, maps, right?

Go here and read a bit. There are resources near you, campouts, country contacts.

Sandra


Sandra Dodd

-=-I have lightened up A LOT and my kids now enjoy their freedom with food, computers, TV, videos games, etc.  But alas, they are still in school, with bedtimes.-=-

"their freedoms..."  Dangerous path.

CHOICES!  Give them TONS of choices, but don't imagine that you  have the power or right to "give them freedom."  It won't help you or them understand what's real and sensible.

Bedtime (time to go to bed) isn't bed.  An arbitrary bedtime without a purpose, enforced for no good reason, causing fear and frustration and LACK of sleep and peace—that's bad.

-=- My husband and I talk about "homeschooling" all the time and he knows my interest in unschooling, and yet he always reminds me that I would need a teacher here to teach the kids because I'm not cut out for it.  He also asks me if I really want the kids here with me ALL DAY?  And I think I do, but then that fear pops up again.  -=-

This page might help:

And I KNOW for absolute sure that if the two of you together go through Pam Laricchia's intro series much of your fear and misunderstanding will dissolve.

And ANOTHER THING!  You're used to working together.  You have fun during the day.  THIS, unschooling, is something that you could do together and feel really successful at.   That could make your marriage even happier.

Read some of that.

And here's the link to Pam's stuff:
The intro is great, and her first book will probably help your husband get it better too:   Free to Learn.  It's short, sweet, clear and happy.  $10 (or if he'll read electronically, much less).

NOW A BIG ONE.  
-=-He also asks me if I really want the kids here with me ALL DAY?-=-

What? Why just you-the-mom ALL DAY ?
Can't he help?  Couldn't you take turns showing houses or whatever all else is involved?  If it's your business, your boss can't say you can't take a child or two with you to the office, if it's paperwork time.

And the reason people don't want their kids home all day is that school breaks the bond, and our culture sends out "let them go" and "don't baby them" messages all the time.  And "back to school" ads show parents thrilled that their children are leaving.  And the media suggests that during school holidays, parents are irritated to "have to" have their children at home.  

If you can look at those things for the negative family-destroying messages they are, you can start to make other kinds of choices.  You could enjoy your family freedoms. :-)

Sandra

Christine Nakra

You're not going to take your kids out of school and have it all planned out and everything will be "great". It didn't work that way for me anyway :) My daughter is 10 and we've been out of school for 2 years. I'm still learning about her and we are learning together what works and what doesn't. It's uncomfortable at times. No one is holding your hand -although you definitely need to find support in your area.
But some how ADHD doesn't exist with us anymore. Liberating ourselves from that alone is an amazing feeling for both of us. My daughter doesn't feel "different" anymore and her confidence and self esteem is so much better. Our whole world is better. Our lives are not outlined anymore by the comfort of a curriculum but that has been learned to be ok!

Here is something that I told myself and others when I was scared beyond belief to take my daughter out of school.
"When the fear of leaving her in school out weighed the fear of pulling her out of school, then I knew it was time". YOU are the only one that can save our child from that socially-damaging, label-happy, anxiety-causing atmosphere.
Most people like me that have had their kids in school and then taken them wished that they would've have done it earlier.
Good luck,

Christine



On Tuesday, February 18, 2014 12:29 PM, Megan Valnes <meganvalnes@...> wrote:
 
Hi all,

I have been a lurker on this group for about a year or so now.  I have only posted once, at the very beginning, and it was very hasty and unthoughtful, and I had very little idea what unschooling was.  I took Sandra and Joyce's advice and hung back for awhile.  In that time, we have not become unschoolers.  We have 4 children ages 2, 5, 7, 9.  The oldest 3 are all in school and the youngest is still home and we do have help because I work with my husband in real estate.  We own our business and this has been part of the struggle of implementing unschooling into our lives.  However, this group, the website, and Sandra Dodd's book about unschooling have helped us tremendously.  Mainly myself, as I was very diet/technology/use of time-restrictive prior to knowing about unschooling.  I was controlling.  I have lightened up A LOT and my kids now enjoy their freedom with food, computers, TV, videos games, etc.  But alas, they are still in school, with bedtimes.

For a long time, I told myself I didn't want to unschool because I enjoy working so much.  This is only partly true.  I don't really find much passion in real estate (my education is in anthropology) but I do really enjoy working with my husband and all the fun we have during the day together.  It's also an ego thing.  Like "yes, I make money, I contribute, blah blah blah".  I am beginning to see more and more that my ego is not helping my family and wonderful children.

Mostly, my oldest child suffers.  And I mean really suffers.  He is crying and distraught right now at school.  He is there upset and I am here upset too because I feel so confused about what to do.  I am SCARED.  Fear is stopping me.  Fear of taking them out of school, quitting work, and being overwhelmed and unhappy.  Fear of no bedtimes and children up for all hours making me crazy. Fear that my husband will never really get the unschooling thing (I've tried to get him to read about it, but he hasn't).  Fear that I will be unsupported by my husband and therefore fail at this endeavor.  I know, and my husband knows, that our oldest child is not thriving in school.  He does well in class and has lots of friends, but he is anxious and frequently "sick".  He is overly aggressive and power hungry with his younger siblings and I think it's because he feels so powerless. My husband and I talk about "homeschooling" all the time and he knows my interest in unschooling, and yet he always reminds me that I would need a teacher here to teach the kids because I'm not cut out for it.  He also asks me if I really want the kids here with me ALL DAY?  And I think I do, but then that fear pops up again.  

I apologize for such a long post, I just feel like we are at a pivotal point here and something needs to happen.  Some change must occur or I am going to have an oldest son who is labeled (ADHA, depression), misunderstood, and miserable because of something (school) that does not have to happen.  I see that he may grow up and still be labeled and misunderstood by the greater world, but even then he could still know himself.  I feel like the greatness of who he is has been squashed by all the expectations school has placed on him.  And me too.  I have expected things from him that are not possible because it's simply not who he is.  I can see that I have wished I could change him instead of just loving him and accepting him for who is is.  That's a bad feeling for a mother to have.  The good news is, I'm changing and stretching a lot.

In my heart of hearts and gut, I know he needs to leave school.  And my other children would be so much happier at home too.  I need the words of wisdom I so often read here.  I need the holes in my argument to be exposed.  Help! Please!  

P.S. I have cc'd my husband on this email as he is not part of the group, I hope that's okay.
--
Warm regards,
Megan Valnes
Agent | Partner
Valnes Bell Realtors
310.367.0433 | m
310.390.6280 | o





Pam Sorooshian

Your description of your son is alarming. He is only 9 years old! I get phone calls regularly from parents of 11 to 13 year old boys who are in crisis - extremely withdrawn, unhappy, angry, refusing to get out of bed in the mornings, and even suicidal. The parents call me because they want to know how to take their kids out of school. They absolutely always wish they'd done it sooner instead of relying on school experts to tell them how to respond to their child and/or just wishing the problems would go away.

School doesn't get typically get better for children after they are 9 or 10 years old. Middle school really often makes existing issues worse. 

Get a handle on all that fear. Think about just one of your internal objections at a time and think logically (not emotionally) about possible solutions or ways to ameliorate each one.

For example - you threw in there something about children being up all hours of the night. That's not a reasonable fear if you don't jump instantly from bedtimes to "whatever." Instead, try to be a little more flexible. If you're all up and having fun, don't interrupt the good times because it is suddenly bedtime. 

But - more than anything else, think about giving your little boy the gift of at least a year to recover and get in touch with his best self again. Put all your effort into relationship building, not academic learning. 

Make your family your most valued work. Give that the status it deserves and let your ego depend on that, not on whether you're making money.  If you can't entirely let go of the need to make money for your ego's sake, then find a way around that. Work a few hours a week. I've always worked, myself, at a part-time teaching job, mostly, and I'd say that it was partly that my ego needed the reassurance that I could still contribute financially if necessary even though my primary life was as a mom and homemaker. 

Be realistic and reasonable. You're writing to hundreds of us who are managing this - why do you think you aren't just as capable?

When we started, my mom kept saying that she was worried I would "lose myself" in it - that I wouldn't have time for myself. She was very very wrong. I found myself and very very deep meaning to life and a much more clear sense of what's important.

-pam







On Tue, Feb 18, 2014 at 10:13 AM, Megan Valnes <meganvalnes@...> wrote:


Hi all,

I have been a lurker on this group for about a year or so now.  I have only posted once, at the very beginning, and it was very hasty and unthoughtful, and I had very little idea what unschooling was.  I took Sandra and Joyce's advice and hung back for awhile.  In that time, we have not become unschoolers.  We have 4 children ages 2, 5, 7, 9.  The oldest 3 are all in school and the youngest is still home and we do have help because I work with my husband in real estate.  We own our business and this has been part of the struggle of implementing unschooling into our lives.  However, this group, the website, and Sandra Dodd's book about unschooling have helped us tremendously.  Mainly myself, as I was very diet/technology/use of time-restrictive prior to knowing about unschooling.  I was controlling.  I have lightened up A LOT and my kids now enjoy their freedom with food, computers, TV, videos games, etc.  But alas, they are still in school, with bedtimes.

For a long time, I told myself I didn't want to unschool because I enjoy working so much.  This is only partly true.  I don't really find much passion in real estate (my education is in anthropology) but I do really enjoy working with my husband and all the fun we have during the day together.  It's also an ego thing.  Like "yes, I make money, I contribute, blah blah blah".  I am beginning to see more and more that my ego is not helping my family and wonderful children.

Mostly, my oldest child suffers.  And I mean really suffers.  He is crying and distraught right now at school.  He is there upset and I am here upset too because I feel so confused about what to do.  I am SCARED.  Fear is stopping me.  Fear of taking them out of school, quitting work, and being overwhelmed and unhappy.  Fear of no bedtimes and children up for all hours making me crazy. Fear that my husband will never really get the unschooling thing (I've tried to get him to read about it, but he hasn't).  Fear that I will be unsupported by my husband and therefore fail at this endeavor.  I know, and my husband knows, that our oldest child is not thriving in school.  He does well in class and has lots of friends, but he is anxious and frequently "sick".  He is overly aggressive and power hungry with his younger siblings and I think it's because he feels so powerless. My husband and I talk about "homeschooling" all the time and he knows my interest in unschooling, and yet he always reminds me that I would need a teacher here to teach the kids because I'm not cut out for it.  He also asks me if I really want the kids here with me ALL DAY?  And I think I do, but then that fear pops up again.  

I apologize for such a long post, I just feel like we are at a pivotal point here and something needs to happen.  Some change must occur or I am going to have an oldest son who is labeled (ADHA, depression), misunderstood, and miserable because of something (school) that does not have to happen.  I see that he may grow up and still be labeled and misunderstood by the greater world, but even then he could still know himself.  I feel like the greatness of who he is has been squashed by all the expectations school has placed on him.  And me too.  I have expected things from him that are not possible because it's simply not who he is.  I can see that I have wished I could change him instead of just loving him and accepting him for who is is.  That's a bad feeling for a mother to have.  The good news is, I'm changing and stretching a lot.

In my heart of hearts and gut, I know he needs to leave school.  And my other children would be so much happier at home too.  I need the words of wisdom I so often read here.  I need the holes in my argument to be exposed.  Help! Please!  

P.S. I have cc'd my husband on this email as he is not part of the group, I hope that's okay.
--
Warm regards,
Megan Valnes
Agent | Partner
Valnes Bell Realtors






Sandra Dodd

-=-You're not going to take your kids out of school and have it all planned out and everything will be "great".-=-

Some people do.  Maybe the less "planning" the better, though. :-)

-=- No one is holding your hand -although you definitely need to find support in your area.-=-

Could you have used this discussion or others for the feeling that someone was holding your hand?  Did you have onine support or ideas to  keep you going?  Your description sounds like you had a difficult transition.

What would have helped?

I feel like these discussions are kind of a "pharmacy" in a way, to send people the already-existing webpages they seemt o most need. :-)

-=-Most people like me that have had their kids in school and then taken them wished that they would've have done it earlier.-=-

I have a collection.  http://sandradodd.com/ifonly

-=-But some how ADHD doesn't exist with us anymore. Liberating ourselves from that alone is an amazing feeling for both of us. My daughter doesn't feel "different" anymore and her confidence and self esteem is so much better. Our whole world is better-=-

When ADHD was the big fearsome fad among parents, 20 years ago, I said ADHD was an allergy to school.  Lots of people were making that point—that outside of school, there was no such thing as "ADHD."  

There were parents and adults, though, who loudly objected, because (for reasons I perceive and could explain, but that I think are hugely misguided) they WANTED there to be something wrong with their child.  Or they WANTED to feel that they did NOT have the potential to do just as well as other people did in life.  

I'm glad unschooling helped our daughter to step away from that label and the stigma and nonsense associated with it.

Someone who can sit still and "focus" for 50 minutes when the activity is lame and boring and she already knows it, or doesn't care, or doesn't even begin to understand—THAT person has a problem, or has given up hope of making choices, or is pretending to pay attention and is really thinking about many other things in her head, but it just doesn't show.

And kids who were "diagnosed" ADHD went home and could play a video game for four hours, or play with Lego for two hours without noticing they needed to pee or eat, and yet that wasn't seen as evidence that their attention span was working just fine, it was school's input that was causing them to want to jump up and get away from it. :-)

Sandra

<hanichol@...>

 

 It's also an ego thing.  Like "yes, I make money, I contribute, blah blah blah".  I am beginning to see more and more that my ego is not helping my family and wonderful children.

 

 

When I first realized that I was doing certain things because of ego I was able to step back and process what was important to me.  I began to think about my intrinsic motivations instead of letting external validations guide me down a road that was not leading to my personal fulfillment or happiness.  It is a process but acknowledging this is a first step.  We live in a society that validates us for what we do instead of who we are.  Who do you want to be as a person and a family?  Let those values guide your decision.

 

 

I am SCARED.  Fear is stopping me.  Fear of taking them out of school, quitting work, and being overwhelmed and unhappy.  Fear of no bedtimes and children up for all hours making me crazy. Fear that my husband will never really get the unschooling thing (I've tried to get him to read about it, but he hasn't).  Fear that I will be unsupported by my husband and therefore fail at this endeavor.  I know, and my husband knows, that our oldest child is not thriving in school.  

 

Fear.  I stopped being overwhelmed when I stopped thinking about this long trajectory.  I realized we could make a decision for the moment to do what is right for our family and change as our family needs grow.  Homeschooling is not easy and it always does not fulfill our expectations.  Be careful about your expectations.  It might put to much pressure on you to do everything RIGHT.  Homeschooling requires patience and the realization that what works right now might not work in the long term and being okay with that.   Find a community so you can talk and find support.  This will help on the days when FEAR invades and you become overwhelmed and unhappy.  It happens to the best of us but when I look at the big picture I realize the happy times and flexibility of our homeschooling lifestyle far outweighs the days I am feeling overwhelmed.

 

 Some change must occur or I am going to have an oldest son who is labeled (ADHA, depression), misunderstood, and miserable because of something (school) that does not have to happen.  I see that he may grow up and still be labeled and misunderstood by the greater world, but even then he could still know himself.  I feel like the greatness of who he is has been squashed by all the expectations school has placed on him.  And me too.  I have expected things from him that are not possible because it's simply not who he is.

 

Protect him.  This is one of the central reason I decided to homeschool.  My older daughter attended school (she is now 20 and in college) and I realized along the way that the losses far outweighed the benefits.  The social expectations we placed on young child prevents them from unfolding into who they are and discovering their greatness.  My daughter was a great kid and still is but was in an environment that valued science and math over artistic creativity.  Even though we supported her love of that her self esteem suffered.  She is uncovering that part of her that was suppressed in school.  Do you think your son would be better served at home?  If so, take a break from school for a time and see if it makes sense for your family.  Your husband might change his mind as the process unfolds.  First, you have to begin the process.


best to you and your family,

heather

Sandra Dodd

I left a letter out.   I meant "your daughter."  Sorry to be confusing.  

-=-I'm glad unschooling helped [y]our daughter to step away from that label and the stigma and nonsense associated with it.-=-

Sandra Dodd

-=-Make your family your most valued work. Give that the status it deserves and let your ego depend on that, not on whether you're making money.  If you can't entirely let go of the need to make money for your ego's sake, then find a way around that. Work a few hours a week. I've always worked, myself, at a part-time teaching job, mostly, and I'd say that it was partly that my ego needed the reassurance that I could still contribute financially if necessary even though my primary life was as a mom and homemaker. -=-

Another way to consider this is to figure out how much it would cost for them to be in a private school.  Maybe include transportation, uniforms.  Consider the time you would be apart, and how much homework or fundraising or social obligation would be involved.  It would be expensive and exhausting.

By unschooling, you are providing something personalized and empowering of all of you.  The learning won't be limited to what your children learn, if you relax and flow into that new life of living in the moment, in the world, looking for wonder and joy.  

Sounds mushy.

I'm serious, though.

Sandra

<jsearthmom@...>

What came to mind for me at once was this 
It addresses many of the fears you mentioned because so many of us shared them during the transition to unschooling. 
Karen

Megan Valnes

Thank you all who participated on this thread.

I've been reading all the links sent to me (and forwarding them to my husband) and this really helped me: "A lot of unschooling is about parents being generous to our children. We don't have to be so generous. We can limit and restrict and control as much as we want—the law and societal norms are on that side. Previously, you were playing tug-of-war and pulling very hard at your end of the rope while your son pulled equally hard on his. Then, you suddenly let go and watched him tumble. You could have eased up a little at a time, instead."

Last night was pretty rough with my oldest and I caught myself thinking "I can't do this" and then I asked myself "why not? Of course I can!"  I am such an all or nothing person that this is hugely liberating for me in that I am having to re-train myself and my thoughts and I know it will have a positive effect on my children.  Time, I am giving myself time. 

We have signed up for the next local campout in our area and the conference coming up this summer.  My husband is actually pretty excited!  He always hated school and so I think he can really relate to our son.

Presently, my oldest is playing Minecraft happily on the couch while my toddler plays games on the ipad and we are all enjoying the Olympics ladies free skate together.  Feels so peaceful.  Later, we will be going to Costco and my son offered to help me push the cart :)  The two middle children are still in school, but they want to come home too.  They are very patient though and willing to at least get through this week. 

I am so appreciative of this thread.  Thank you for the past year of encouragement and wisdom for a friendly lurker :).


On Tue, Feb 18, 2014 at 6:54 PM, <jsearthmom@...> wrote:
 

What came to mind for me at once was this 

It addresses many of the fears you mentioned because so many of us shared them during the transition to unschooling. 
Karen




--
Warm regards,
Megan Valnes
Agent | Partner
Valnes Bell Realtors
310.367.0433 | m
310.390.6280 | o



<kgharriman1@...>

The book I asked my husband to read that was the clincher to persuade him that unschooling makes so much sense is Parenting a free child: an unschooled life. By Rue Kream. It's also short and readable and handles beautifully any doubt I could come up with. It is good to read and reread Free to learn and Free to live both of which I have on my phone as ebooks. Diverse writing styles sometimes helps understanding of same concept I find.

Sandra Dodd

-=- I am such an all or nothing person that this is hugely liberating for me in that I am having to re-train myself and my thoughts and I know it will have a positive effect on my children.-=-

Don't think of "retraining yourself."  Step away from "teaching" or "training" anyone—even yourself.

Begin to make choices.  You can't make a choice unless you consider two options.  

You could read more here, and maybe listen to the sound file:

Sandra

CASS KOTRBA

-=-  Last night was pretty rough with my oldest and I caught myself thinking "I can't do this" and then I asked myself "why not? Of course I can!"  I am such an all or nothing person that this is hugely liberating for me in that I am having to re-train myself and my thoughts and I know it will have a positive effect on my children. -=-
 
If you have four kids ages 2-9, 3 of them in school + working full time as a real estate agent then you must be a busy lady!  I'm guessing most of your life is "go go go go go".  (I sold real estate in Colorado for 10 years, most of that pre-kids, so I know how intense that work can be.)  No wonder you'd feel overwhelmed at the thought of adding MORE to your plate.  But consider the demands put on you by school and how much time would be saved by cutting that out.  When my kids were in school it felt like a full time job just keeping up with the demands school placed on us.  Hurry up & eat dinner so we can hurry up & do your homework, get everything ready for the next day, hurry up to bed so you can get up before the sun  & do it again.  That was our baseline - then you add all the extras.  It seemed like we were always being asked to sell something or attend something.  And when school was a main focus for us it seemed like we felt we "had to" join in with much of the extra curricular stuff so the kids would "fit in" and "keep up".  Fitting in and keeping up were exhausting in and of themselves!  All of that is gone now for us & in it's place is such a liberating feeling of peace and joy.  Gone is the pressure to please some entity for whom you are just a number and a statistic.  So you would not just be adding something to your plate, you would be taking a huge chunk off at the same time.
 
Also, when there is pressure and stress in kid's lives it will make them feel more cranky and argumentative.  Personally, when I'm stressed I'm not much fun to be around.  But take some of that pressure off and I'm a lot of fun!  It will probably be the same with your kids.  Maybe you're envisioning them bickering and fighting all day with a haggard mom running around breaking up fights.  An unschooling lifestyle minimizes the fighting and refereeing because #1 - mom is more happy & relaxed which radiates through everyone & #2 - their energy is focused on doing things that THEY choose and are happy with & engaged in.  That reduces the difficult feelings inside which reduces the need to take those feelings out on the people around you.
 
-=- For a long time, I told myself I didn't want to unschool because I enjoy working so much.  This is only partly true.  I don't really find much passion in real estate (my education is in anthropology) but I do really enjoy working with my husband and all the fun we have during the day together.  It's also an ego thing-=-
 
It doesn't have to be all or nothing.  You don't have to quit working completely or be at home taking care of kids and house 24/7.  Find a balance that works for you.  Maybe you could hire an assistant to help you and your husband with the more tedious aspects of work and you keep doing the parts that you enjoy.  Maybe you are good at listing appointments and it makes you feel good to put on nice clothes and have the rush of signing up a new client.  Keep doing that, then. Have an assistant keep track of the dates in the contracts, stay on top of the lenders, make sure the title company gets closing figures, etc.  You swoop in and attend the closing, collect the commission check and go out to lunch with your hubby.  You could keep the fun parts & delegate the tedious. 
 
Maybe your husband will be picking up some of the slack in a situation like that so make sure there's something in it for him.  I bet he would really enjoy coming home to find his family blissed out, smell his dinner cooking and know that the he can sit down & relax for a bit with his beloved family.  Or have some time to unwind on his own for a bit before joining the rest of you.  Help him to feel like he can finally relax and enjoy the fruits of his labor, too.  If he feels the changes in you all and is able to participate in it himself you will not have to convince him of the benefits of unschooling.  He will feel it himself.
 
You mentioned that you do have some help in the home.  Could that person's role be expanded or modified to do the things you don't enjoy, freeing up time for you to do the things that are more important to you?  Have someone help with the cleaning, etc. so you can focus on other areas. 
 
There are businesses where they have all of the raw ingredients for meals and you go & assemble them to your preference.  You take the packaged meals home & put them in your freezer so that all you have to do is pop it into the oven and - tada - home cooked meal. 
 
You do have control over you life and your time, you don't have to feel like your obligations are in control of you.  Consider yourself the (benevolent) CEO of the family.  You are in charge of coordinating the big picture & quality control.  You are looking out over the entire operation to make sure things run smoothly and are headed in a good direction. 
 
My husband is an electrical contractor & he employs several people.  Many times a situation will come up with one of his guys or contractors where he comes to me and says "This is the problem I'm having, can you help me think it through?".  I have a little distance from the situation and a fresh perspective so I can often help him see other options or ways of looking at it which is often very helpful to him. 
 
-=-  Fear of no bedtimes and children up for all hours making me crazy.-=-
 
My kids have experimented with bed times and have currently settled into sleeping on a schedule very similar to my hubby and I.  They have discovered for themselves that it is nicer for them to be up when we're up.  Make beds for them (especially the little ones) in your room so that they want to come in and have cuddly, play time with you before happily drifting off to sleep.  If you don't have to get up at the crack of dawn there is not so much pressure to get to bed "on time".  Slowly let go of bed times so that you all have time to adjust.
 
Being able to relax and enjoy each other has been such a gift to our family.  We now have time to focus on enjoying life, not racing around trying to keep up with it!  I hope you can find a way to make it work for your family.  We will be here to support you through it.  Real estate will always be there.  Your kids are growing and changing every day, every minute.  That is time you can't get back.
 
Best of luck,
Cass

Sandra Dodd

I love what Cass wrote about less pressure if school is out of the picture.

Another thing that will be worlds eaiser is clothing, getting dressed, making sure there are clean school clothes or special outfits for PE or activities or whatever available.

Without the pressure from other kids about what to wear, or without dress codes from schools, kids can dress themselves when they feel like it, in whatever they honestly would like to wear. If you're not going anywhere, so what if they stay in pajamas or a t-shirt and undies for a few hours (or days)?

Marty used to have his "staying home" day once a week when he was 12, 13. He would stay in pajamas so if someone asked him to go do something he could say honestly "can't; staying home in my pajamas; maybe toorrow." It was just something he came up with on his own for his own reasons. :-) It lasted a long time.

Sandra

CASS KOTRBA

-=- If you're not going anywhere, so what if they stay in pajamas or a t-shirt and undies for a few hours (or days)? -=-
 
We LOVE staying in our PJ's! Instead of buying back to school clothes this year we bought not-back to school pajamas!
 
We have saved a lot of money on clothes and other things that school and peer pressure seemed to necessitate.  When the kids ask for a new game or toy I remind myself of how much money we used to spend buying lots of clothes, school supplies, teacher gifts, magazine subscriptions, over priced tins of popcorn, etc.  I'd much rather be spending that money on things my kids will use and enjoy!
-Cass

Megan Valnes

I love everything Cass wrote as well. And as the kids were in private school, pressure about uniforms,  haircuts,  entrance exams,  etc always loomed heavy. The stress of waking up early, getting to school,  lunches, after school activities,  homework, tutors, tardies--all just too much!

My husband and I have been immersing ourselves in reading and learning these last few days. My oldest has not been to school all week and today none of the kids went to school.  We have a meeting scheduled with the principal to let her know the kids will not be coming back. 

I was a stay at home mom until my oldest was about 5 or 6 and I thrived at it.   My husband and I have worked out the working aspect and this is all very exciting!  I have signed up for Pam ' s 10 week newsletter to help start in the process.  Last night my husband and I read a few pages from the Big Book of Unschooling and it was inspirational.

Cass was also spot on when she said that real estate will always be there but these precious moments with the children cannot be returned to.  I love my children.  I want to be with them and see them grow in their own unique ways. I want to offer them a rich environment of love and encouragement.  The concepts and philosophy of Unschooling resonates deeply with my husband and me and so we both look forward to this new experience.

Many thanks!
Megan

On Feb 20, 2014 9:17 AM, "Sandra Dodd" <Sandra@...> wrote:
 

I love what Cass wrote about less pressure if school is out of the picture.

Another thing that will be worlds eaiser is clothing, getting dressed, making sure there are clean school clothes or special outfits for PE or activities or whatever available.

Without the pressure from other kids about what to wear, or without dress codes from schools, kids can dress themselves when they feel like it, in whatever they honestly would like to wear. If you're not going anywhere, so what if they stay in pajamas or a t-shirt and undies for a few hours (or days)?

Marty used to have his "staying home" day once a week when he was 12, 13. He would stay in pajamas so if someone asked him to go do something he could say honestly "can't; staying home in my pajamas; maybe toorrow." It was just something he came up with on his own for his own reasons. :-) It lasted a long time.

Sandra