Kirsty Harriman

http://m.psychologytoday.com/blog/business-success-therapists/201108/are-you-raising-codependent-child

I found this in researching codependency with ones children.  It's a revelation for me. I never realized the extent to which I have done these things with our eldest daughter. It makes a lot of sense.

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Sandra Dodd

-=-I found this in researching codependency with ones children.  It's a revelation for me. I never realized the extent to which I have done these things with our eldest daughter. It makes a lot of sense.-=-

Thanks for bringing that link.  I had never thought of it in that way, between a parent and young child, until I read what your wrote.

I've seen it with an adult child and older parent.  Lots with couples, or with friends.

Fundayeveryday

I'm wondering what does codependency look like with a parent and child?
Kristen

Sandra Dodd <Sandra@...> wrote:

 

-=-I found this in researching codependency with ones children.  It's a revelation for me. I never realized the extent to which I have done these things with our eldest daughter. It makes a lot of sense.-=-


Thanks for bringing that link.  I had never thought of it in that way, between a parent and young child, until I read what your wrote.

I've seen it with an adult child and older parent.  Lots with couples, or with friends.

Sandra Dodd

-=-I'm wondering what does codependency look like with a parent and child? -=-

Did you try googling it?

Kirsty Harriman

Here it looks like me either being in tears or in joy depending on whether my children are playing in the sandpit or on ipod or computer or TV. It also is where my daughter does things hoping for my approval and tries to do things or say things to make me feel better. Not good.   


-------- Original message --------
From: Fundayeveryday
Date:16/02/2014 5:02 AM (GMT+10:00)
To: [email protected]
Subject: Re: [AlwaysLearning] Codependency

 

I'm wondering what does codependency look like with a parent and child?
Kristen

Sandra Dodd <Sandra@...> wrote:

 

-=-I found this in researching codependency with ones children.  It's a revelation for me. I never realized the extent to which I have done these things with our eldest daughter. It makes a lot of sense.-=-


Thanks for bringing that link.  I had never thought of it in that way, between a parent and young child, until I read what your wrote.

I've seen it with an adult child and older parent.  Lots with couples, or with friends.

<saskiatm@...>

-- When you spend more energy on your child's interests and less on what gives your life meaning and pleasure... --- quote from the linked article

This distinction makes me very uncomfortable.

Saskia

Sandra Dodd

-=-I google searched "codependency and parenting" and came up with a lot of odd and misleading information.
One article talked about "over-bonding," and codependency as when a parent and child's natural bonding process goes too far. That sounded totally off to me.-=-

Maybe I shouldn't have said "google it."  I didn't want this to become a discussion of bad parenting, rather than good parenting.

It seems to me that the principles of unschooling can repair and re-adjust dysfunction.  As a parent gradually improves relationships and options, and finds new reasons to do things (which helps her/him decide what to do, with a new store of "why" at hand), when relationships are better, when things are done for reasons that make sense, the family will be healthier.  The relationships will be better.

I think the "over-bonding" idea can be true when a parent choose her child over her spouse or partner.  And when that happens and it leads to a divorce, the mom can feel that she gave up her marriage for this child, and so he is now "her everything," and she can focus too sharply on how he feels about every single thing.  He can come to discover that if he's NOT happy his mother thinks she will die.   THAT kind of over-bonding whether fictional or imaginary or real-world (we don't need to tell stories of people we know who might have a touch of that) is clearly a problem.  The child is a valued appendage of the mother and she wants to know and do and be everything to him.  And I think the pronouns are about right.  It can happen with a daughter and mom, but I think the classic case is a mother and son.

That's an extreme example, though.  

I think lesser degrees of over-attachment can be a problem, but also if the mom is trying to sort through her own childhood needs and memories, and making her child's life more solid and sensible and sweet, she will be seeing what he's doing and what he's interested in, and won't be able to confuse him with herself (it seems, to me).  

And as very often happens, her view of herself as a person who can do something brave and interesting and nurturing will be growing, too.

I think when a parent starts becoming a mindful, present parent, and experiences the responses to that from a child and partner, it can engender some of the biggest feelings of  pride and confidence ever.

There's a new page on my site about mental health.  It started to be about depression, but I thought going for the positive was better.

Sandra