<kgharriman1@...>

I recently posted about about my daughter's extensive (I said excessive in last thread) use of ipod/computer/tv during the day and into the night. My biggest fear surrounding the use of technology (and yes I can see how that sounds and looks cold when its written like that) is that they will never ever want to draw/read books/play with their toys doing imaginative play ever again. I have a tendency to jump to extremes and this is no exception. My rational logical mind says they will, eventually, just not necessarily when I want that to happen, while my fears say the screens are going to suck them into some vortex from which they will never escape.

anyway, tonight she decided to make a card for a friend for her birthday. Her creation was beautiful, heartfelt, sweet and touching. I said as much (it was more creation that I have seen from her in a long time, but I have noticed how it comes out now in short intense wonderful bursts and then nothing for a while. She said "see, you need some screentime to get really neat... and then it just comes, out of nowhere". She knows how I feel about watching things for long periods of time (I am a bit too transparent with my emotions). 

The long and short of this is that I am starting to see that watching barbie movies one after the other or doing games on her ipod for hours doesn't mean the end of the world as we know it wrt physical play things, art and craft.
I need to watch more and for longer and today I noticed I relaxed more and went with the flow. better things emerged. so, I am encouraged.

thanks so much for the support in this letting go process.

Sandra Dodd

-=- She said "see, you need some screentime to get really neat... and then it just comes, out of nowhere". She knows how I feel about watching things for long periods of time (I am a bit too transparent with my emotions). -=-

The paragraph that came out of sounded to me like codependency.  Codependency is an unhealthy dependence on someone else's wellbeing as your own.  It can seem at first to be the same as being a child's partner, but as you described it, especially with the cherry on top of "I am a bit too transparent with my emotions," I suspect a couple of things, and you might want to watch out for them:

She might be watching YOU too much, when she should be watching Barbie movies or playing a game.

She used the phrase "screentime" to reassure you.
-=-see, you need some screentime to get really neat... and then it just comes, out of nowhere-=-

If you don't dismantle the concept of "screentime," it will be a wall between you and your daughter.

-=-She knows how I feel about watching things for long periods of time-=-

Do you plan to change how you feel about that?
If you define yourself by "how you feel about..." something, without the expectation of caring more about your daughter than:   1) how YOU feel and 2) SCREENTIME and watching things for a long time, then she might continue to try to help you feel better.

That's not healthy for her.

So try to separate your own success as a human in the moment from what she is doing.  How are YOU doing?  Growing, changing, being interesting and interested in some things on your own?  Or just watching her to see if she's making you happy yet?

If you ch
-=-I need to watch more and for longer and today I noticed I relaxed more and went with the flow. better things emerged. so, I am encouraged.-=-

Relaxing more is good. :-)
Being encouraged is good.

-=- She knows how I feel about watching things for long periods of time (I am a bit too transparent with my emotions). -=-

So here's a worthy goal.  Change the way you feel about her, and learning, and peace.  Let your focus change from fear and limits and boogeymen to learning, peace, and your daughter directly without filters.  
Rather than try to hide your emotions
rather than shrugging and justifying your emotions
get some better emotions.

If you don't feel you're getting over the prejudice against screentime, consider buying this book, new last month, and actually read it, a couple of pages at a time, and let it sink in.


Sandra


BRIAN POLIKOWSKY

Karem James posted a wonderful TED talk video last night on Facebook with Jane McGonigal, who is a  game developer and  a very bright girl.
IN the video she talks about a lot of things from emotional health  to life spam to life regrets and what makes us happy.

It is all based in science and studies and I really loved it.

It may give you a different perspective

http://www.ted.com/talks/jane_mcgonigal_the_game_that_can_give_you_10_extra_years_of_life.html

 
Alex Polikowsky
 
 

Kirsty Harriman

I bought this book and looking forward to reading it do thanks lots for link.
Codependence. I have never thought about that within the realm of my relationship with my children.  I have read more about it in context of other kinds of relationships. It's so true that my happiness is pretty much dependent on whether they are doing stuff that I approve of which is usually in the firm of drawing or reading or doing a puzzle or imaginary games or some other type of play none of which involves technology. Yes I have enormous prejudices definitely. I need to he convinced and trying to allow myself to be convinced instead of putting up my defenses and sticking to my core beliefs. I am trying to question my core beliefs surrounding technology. It's hard when you ha en believed something so strongly for so long. Two nights ago I just cried most of the night just feeling this enormous loss. My daughter used to have no problem having a bath, cleaning teeth, going to bed when she was tired, going to church, doing cubscouts. Now she doesn't want to do a thing besides dancing (her passion), watching barbie movies or doing games on her ipod, and being with her dog. She doesn't want to play or do anything she used to do. I don't get it. This had happened since we have started saying yes more. Losing the control in our house would b ed a great thing. I get that intuitively. Why does it feel like I am losing people on the process?


Sent from my Samsung GALAXY Note3 on the Telstra 4G network


-------- Original message --------
From: Sandra Dodd
Date:13/02/2014 3:03 AM (GMT+10:00)
To: [email protected]
Subject: Re: [AlwaysLearning] tonight took the edge off my fears

 

-=- She said "see, you need some screentime to get really neat... and then it just comes, out of nowhere". She knows how I feel about watching things for long periods of time (I am a bit too transparent with my emotions). -=-


The paragraph that came out of sounded to me like codependency.  Codependency is an unhealthy dependence on someone else's wellbeing as your own.  It can seem at first to be the same as being a child's partner, but as you described it, especially with the cherry on top of "I am a bit too transparent with my emotions," I suspect a couple of things, and you might want to watch out for them:

She might be watching YOU too much, when she should be watching Barbie movies or playing a game.

She used the phrase "screentime" to reassure you.
-=-see, you need some screentime to get really neat... and then it just comes, out of nowhere-=-

If you don't dismantle the concept of "screentime," it will be a wall between you and your daughter.

-=-She knows how I feel about watching things for long periods of time-=-

Do you plan to change how you feel about that?
If you define yourself by "how you feel about..." something, without the expectation of caring more about your daughter than:   1) how YOU feel and 2) SCREENTIME and watching things for a long time, then she might continue to try to help you feel better.

That's not healthy for her.

So try to separate your own success as a human in the moment from what she is doing.  How are YOU doing?  Growing, changing, being interesting and interested in some things on your own?  Or just watching her to see if she's making you happy yet?

If you ch
-=-I need to watch more and for longer and today I noticed I relaxed more and went with the flow. better things emerged. so, I am encouraged.-=-

Relaxing more is good. :-)
Being encouraged is good.

-=- She knows how I feel about watching things for long periods of time (I am a bit too transparent with my emotions). -=-

So here's a worthy goal.  Change the way you feel about her, and learning, and peace.  Let your focus change from fear and limits and boogeymen to learning, peace, and your daughter directly without filters.  
Rather than try to hide your emotions
rather than shrugging and justifying your emotions
get some better emotions.

If you don't feel you're getting over the prejudice against screentime, consider buying this book, new last month, and actually read it, a couple of pages at a time, and let it sink in.


Sandra


Sandra Dodd

-=-I need to he convinced and trying to allow myself to be convinced instead of putting up my defenses and sticking to my core beliefs.-=-

What does that mean?
You don't believe in learning gradually?
You "need" (or what?) "to be convince" (by whom!?).

Get rid of that "need."

Express it in other words.  Rephrase again and again until you  untangle what you really mean.

-=-sticking to my core beliefs-=-

You're using phrases as though they are the names of solid objects. 

Your core belief should be that your daughter can learn best in peace.

-=- It's hard when you ha en believed something so strongly for so long. Two nights ago I just cried most of the night just feeling this enormous loss. My daughter used to have no problem having a bath, cleaning teeth, going to bed when she was tired, going to church, doing cubscouts. Now she doesn't want to do a thing besides dancing (her passion), watching barbie movies or doing games on her ipod, and being with her dog. She doesn't want to play or do anything she used to do. I don't get it. This had happened since we have started saying yes more. -=-

Did you say too much "yes" too soon?  Did you suddenly say "whatever"?

Maybe she never liked church or cubscouts but she didn't know life could be any other way.  Maybe she will want them again after some time passes, when it really, honestly is her choice and not her doing what you want.

My husband was forced to go to church so much and so long that he will not voluntarily set foot in a church now.  He doesn't want to go to weddings in churches.  He did go to his parents' funerals.  His church aversion was directly and clearly caused by the buildup of the resistance of his years and years of powerlessness.

When a relationship is antagonistic, when one person is trying to control the other one, each juncture is a win or a loss.

She's winning, and you feel like you're losing.

You even used the word, twice:

-=-Losing the control in our house would b ed a great thing. I get that intuitively. Why does it feel like I am losing people on the process?-=-

I think it might be because you "won" for so long.  You felt like a winner, then.  It is possible that at least one other person was feeling like a loser.

Sandra



Pam Sorooshian

If you can, get yourself to an event where there are grown unschoolers. They'll really reassure you - they are so comfortable with technology and have grown up playing video games and watching tv and they are unabashedly fans. It is WONDERFUL to see how they don't have the prejudices that some of us had to work to give up - they love television and movies and video games and they enjoy them so fully. AND they have so much other stuff in their lives too - they are working, traveling, going to college, and they are big thinkers. They are kind and filled with integrity and thoughtfulness. Really - you will be very impressed and they will tell you all about how much time they spent on video games and watching tv including games and tv that many of us would have, with our prejudices, thought was mindless at best!


-pam

On Thu, Feb 13, 2014 at 7:45 PM, Kirsty Harriman <kgharriman1@...> wrote:
Yes I have enormous prejudices definitely. I need to he convinced and trying to allow myself to be convinced instead of putting up my defenses and sticking to my core beliefs.


Dena Morrison

==http://www.ted.com/talks/jane_mcgonigal_the_game_that_can_give_you_10_extra_years_of_life.html

Thank you Alex for sharing this link tonight.
I have already shared this with my daughter (like me & some other family members)
who has suffered depression & suicidal ideation during her young life.
I really appreciated Jane's ability to connect the mindset about gaming
(attack the challenge, renewed hope and energy each time, try new ways, get allies,
use power-ups, etc) to a plan to seek her own healing.
I'll be thinking about this for awhile...

Dena Morrison

Embracing His grace,
Dena

Deuteronomy 28:12
"The LORD will open for you His good storehouse, the heavens,
to give rain to your land in its season and to bless all the work of your hand;




On Wed, Feb 12, 2014 at 11:19 AM, BRIAN POLIKOWSKY <polykowholsteins@...> wrote:
 

Karem James posted a wonderful TED talk video last night on Facebook with Jane McGonigal, who is a  game developer and  a very bright girl.
IN the video she talks about a lot of things from emotional health  to life spam to life regrets and what makes us happy.

It is all based in science and studies and I really loved it.

It may give you a different perspective

http://www.ted.com/talks/jane_mcgonigal_the_game_that_can_give_you_10_extra_years_of_life.html

 
Alex Polikowsky