<adr1ka@...>

Hi, I have two young children (4.5 and 2) and we decided to Unschool them about 6 months ago. I've been reading a lot about it and I'm in the process at the moment to change my feelings about screen time. I don't see it anymore as something that is dumbing my children and 'killing' their brain cells. :-) But I myself still don't like listening to the sounds of cartoons all day. So today my daughter realised that she can turn on YouTube by herself and typed in Spider-Man to find cartoons about him. (Really impressed) So here was a chance for me to put my new paradime about screen time into action. But I had some problems: I set and watched with her a few cartoons we talked about what happened in them (it was great to hear her talk with such enthusiasm.) but then I just couldn't watch it anymore. I went to do house work and played with my other daughter. Set down with her again for a few minutes later on but I just can't sit there and watch cartoons for longer periods because it is not what I would like to do with my time! Is this a problem for my Unschooling? Because I read in this group how you all spend a lot of time watching tv, playing games with your kids and I don't think I'll be able to spend most of my day doing that. Also after about 1.5 hours of spiderman cartoon noises filling the livingroom I started to get irritated because of the noise. I needed some silence. So what is the Unschooling solution? I believe that in the house everyone's needs should be taken seriously. So I either control her screen time and ask her to stop after a few hours because I need some silence (which is not very Unschooling I think) Or I put the computer in the bedroom but then am I not sending the message that she needs to hide away with her interest because I don't accept it? And I know she likes to be where everyone else is she does not like being alone. But I think my need is important too and I don't like tv/computer noise to fill my whole day. Any advise please!? Thank you Adrienn

Clare Kirkpatrick

-=-So I either control her screen time and ask her to stop after a few hours because I need some silence-=-

What about headphones? We do that when we have competing video games and/or dvds on at the same time. 


Sent from Samsung Mobile

Sandra Dodd

-=-. I've been reading a lot about it and I'm in the process at the moment to change my feelings about screen time.-=-

WHile you'r thinking about changing your feelings about it, stop calling it "screentime."  I don't care if you stop in your everyday life in the privacy of your home, but I DO care whether you use it here.

If you want to tell us what your children are doing, or what it is that is more important to you than your children, please think carefully and name it by its proper name.  

Toilet paper, magazines, the title to my car and my marriage eertificate are all on paper, but I can easily tell them apart, and I keep them in different places.  I don't refer to them all in one phrase or thought as to their use or purpose or value.   


It probably seems to you that I"m not just answering your question, but 
#1, we're not here just to answer people's questions, but to help them find answers based on sensible principles
and
#2, changing the way you categorize and name things will change what you think and believe about them.

Sandra


Pam Sorooshian


On Tue, Dec 31, 2013 at 2:03 PM, <adr1ka@...> wrote:
I just can't sit there and watch cartoons for longer periods because it is not what I would like to do with my time! Is this a problem for my Unschooling?>>

Change your wording to say, "I don't like to watch cartoons for longer periods of time."  Not - "I can't."

You have lots of other options. Do other things while she's watching cartoons...do you have a laptop? Sit in the room and play games or talk to friends or read self-help books or whatever. There are a million things you could be doing online while you're present with her. You don't have to always be 100 percent doing exactly what she's doing - be physically available, but do other stuff some of the time, at least. Knit. Draw. We always had other stuff out at the same time they were watching TV - a dollhouse with all kinds of stuff pretty much lived in front of the tv all the time. I would bring out pattern blocks and play with those on the coffee table nearby. Or we had coloring books or other art supplies sitting out. I folded a lot of laundry. 

I'm sensitive to the sound of cartoon voices, myself, so if that's what you're complaining about, I get that. But, kids love them and we chose to have kids so we should suck it up and get over it some of the time. Don't make a thing about it. I would, though, very often try to find shows that my kids loved that didn't have cartoon voices that bothered me and those were the shows I watched with them. Not all cartoon voices are at that pitch that aggravates me. We watched a LOT of musicals. Lots of animated Disney movies like Beauty and the Beast or Aladdin which have such wonderful music. The sound was an issue for me and so I consciously did try to find shows that they enjoyed which had sound that didn't grate on me as much. But,
I also tried to learn to enjoy the sounds. I didn't like the Animaniacs sound when it was on tv, but I loved the recordings of all the songs! Work it out over time best you can. I guess that's what I'm saying.

-pam

Brenda Ferns

One thing I sometimes do if I need silence is instead interrupting them I will take the dog out and close my eyes and recenter myself or ill escape to my bedroom or bathroom and recenter. Sometimes one of my kids will resist me leaving usually my 3 yr old and 8 yr old will do that when there having a rough moment or needing mommy time. And when I start feeling myself wanting to scream I will hug them firmly or hold their hand firmly and close my eyes and meditate and clear my mind and it helps both of us. Its amazing how recentering our energy helps the whole house. Our children are our mirrors and sometimes they are acting how we feels so recentering and including them in that really connects me to my children. I am not perfect though and sometimes get overwhelmed and get snappy and go to my room and shut the door and they get upset and start crying. I deal with my emotions in my room then when I am ready I go back explain why I reacted how I did and apologize and then we talk about how they felt. We hug and then I work on making it right and do some eztra things to reconnect with them and help them feel better and loved. Its a balancing especially with young children. I have four kida 3 dds ages 10, 8, and 6 and a ds age 3 and one due in June. I hope I didn't ramble on to much and I helped in some way.

On Dec 31, 2013 3:09 PM, <adr1ka@...> wrote:
 

Hi, I have two young children (4.5 and 2) and we decided to Unschool them about 6 months ago. I've been reading a lot about it and I'm in the process at the moment to change my feelings about screen time. I don't see it anymore as something that is dumbing my children and 'killing' their brain cells. :-) But I myself still don't like listening to the sounds of cartoons all day. So today my daughter realised that she can turn on YouTube by herself and typed in Spider-Man to find cartoons about him. (Really impressed) So here was a chance for me to put my new paradime about screen time into action. But I had some problems: I set and watched with her a few cartoons we talked about what happened in them (it was great to hear her talk with such enthusiasm.) but then I just couldn't watch it anymore. I went to do house work and played with my other daughter. Set down with her again for a few minutes later on but I just can't sit there and watch cartoons for longer periods because it is not what I would like to do with my time! Is this a problem for my Unschooling? Because I read in this group how you all spend a lot of time watching tv, playing games with your kids and I don't think I'll be able to spend most of my day doing that. Also after about 1.5 hours of spiderman cartoon noises filling the livingroom I started to get irritated because of the noise. I needed some silence. So what is the Unschooling solution? I believe that in the house everyone's needs should be taken seriously. So I either control her screen time and ask her to stop after a few hours because I need some silence (which is not very Unschooling I think) Or I put the computer in the bedroom but then am I not sending the message that she needs to hide away with her interest because I don't accept it? And I know she likes to be where everyone else is she does not like being alone. But I think my need is important too and I don't like tv/computer noise to fill my whole day. Any advise please!? Thank you Adrienn

Brenda Ferns

Sorry for typos. Using my phone.

Pam made some really good points about being close and available but doing your own thing. It works and gives you a break while still being available. Also Sandra made some good points as well. The words we use make a huge difference in how we perceive things. I had the hardest time with words when we started unschooling 6 years ago. And I remember how changing the words I used and phrasing things differently helped me see things differently. It was very eye opening once I started making a connection between how my kids reacted to what I said and my body language, tone of voice, words and phrases and the intention behind what I was saying.

On Dec 31, 2013 4:57 PM, "Brenda Ferns" <mommieof4kiddies@...> wrote:

Sandra Dodd

-=-Our children are our mirrors and sometimes they are acting how we feel-=-  doesn't sound like a good summary.  
Our children are people separate from us.   Assuming their actions are about us that way seems too simplistic.  

-=-Sometimes one of my kids will resist me leaving usually my 3 yr old...-=-
-=-...and they get upset and start crying.-=-

Finding ways to calm yourself without leaving and shutting a door between you and the children should be a quick priority.  I cried a lot as a child.  I cried out of fear, frustration, being spanked and yelled at, being put in a dark room by myself to go to sleep.  The more thing that can be eliminated that make a child cry, the better.

If twice in one paragraph you described kids being afraid and crying, that seems like too much.  

-=- I deal with my emotions in my room then when I am ready I go back explain why I reacted how I did and apologize and then we talk about how they felt. We hug and then I work on making it right and do some eztra things to reconnect with them and help them feel better and loved. Its a balancing -=-

Maybe you could take the youngest and go outside instead of into your room.  Check the mailbox, feed birds, water a plant, see if there's any stray trash to pick up, or a weed or two to pull.  It might be better modelling for them to see that than door-closing, and being outside breathing new air will be better than being on one side of a door with children crying or asking you to come out on the other.

If a mother meets her children's needs, she sees their calm and contentment as a benefit for the team, she herself will have less to be needy about.  


Sandra

Marina DeLuca-Howard

I was thinking about the notion of leaving children to meet our own needs--mulling it over and why it bugs me.  It always has. Before unschooling entered my life it just seemed unnatural or a shortcoming if patterns of recurring behaviour were met with me withdrawing.

The message children hear when parents withdraw is akin to extortion--I don't like what you are doing, I am deserting you until you do something I like. So they cry.

Are my feelings and needs are more important than yours, because I have all the power? 

This was something I remember from when my oldest, turning eighteen Jan 2 was still 1 year and a half.  Sometimes I would get exasperated as parents do or let my emotions cloud my judgement, so I reminded myself "this is a child and I am the thing he depends upon the most". When I shared my exasperation with other parents or adults they had solutions. And one question "why put yourself through that, I never would".

In an emergency such as an impending air-plane crash we get directions:" put your mask on first and then help your child second" but in mundane real life we aren't in emergencies. So, hang about hug, dance, play and do housework. 

You can be honest.  Say, "I love that you are enjoying that cartoon.  But I'm sensitive to noise and feel overwhelmed if I watch too long". 

You can express admiration that she doesn't feel that way and you can encourage and share her joy. You can list things she doesn't like or finds irritating and be respectful of her dislikes. 

Maybe she dislikes socks, or seams, or tags, or broccoli and you can understand each other. Maybe she can help you find a way to stay near and you can put on headphones and play classical music or she can wear headphones occasionally?  Or you can pop out and bring in a lovely tray of cookies or vegetables or exotic fruits for the three of you. Don't choose between honouring your daughter's passions and your discomfort--that's not the most peaceful way to frame the choice.

Think of family life as quilt with different patterns sewn together, rather than a series of yes or no choices for the family.

Marina




On 1 January 2014 09:11, Sandra Dodd <Sandra@...> wrote:
 

-=-Our children are our mirrors and sometimes they are acting how we feel-=-  doesn't sound like a good summary.  

Our children are people separate from us.   Assuming their actions are about us that way seems too simplistic.  

-=-Sometimes one of my kids will resist me leaving usually my 3 yr old...-=-
-=-...and they get upset and start crying.-=-

Finding ways to calm yourself without leaving and shutting a door between you and the children should be a quick priority.  I cried a lot as a child.  I cried out of fear, frustration, being spanked and yelled at, being put in a dark room by myself to go to sleep.  The more thing that can be eliminated that make a child cry, the better.

If twice in one paragraph you described kids being afraid and crying, that seems like too much.  

-=- I deal with my emotions in my room then when I am ready I go back explain why I reacted how I did and apologize and then we talk about how they felt. We hug and then I work on making it right and do some eztra things to reconnect with them and help them feel better and loved. Its a balancing -=-

Maybe you could take the youngest and go outside instead of into your room.  Check the mailbox, feed birds, water a plant, see if there's any stray trash to pick up, or a weed or two to pull.  It might be better modelling for them to see that than door-closing, and being outside breathing new air will be better than being on one side of a door with children crying or asking you to come out on the other.

If a mother meets her children's needs, she sees their calm and contentment as a benefit for the team, she herself will have less to be needy about.  


Sandra




--
When will our consciences grow so tender that we will act to prevent human misery rather than avenge it?  Eleanor Roosevelt

Nemo risum praebuit, qui ex se coepit - Nobody is laughed at, who laughs at himself. (Seneca)

Lisa Celedon

<<Hi, I have two young children (4.5 and 2) and we decided to Unschool them about 6 months ago. >>

It is often said here and other places and when I got *this* it made lots of things easier: when your kids are younger than compulsory school age, you're not unschooling, you're attachment parenting.

You mentioned, 'that is not unschooling, this would not be like unschooling, etc."

Focus instead on what will bring you closer to your kids. What will foster attachment?
Absolutely respect yourself in the process, but it's easy for an adult to make their needs bigger and more important than a young child's needs. Doing that a lot doesn't foster attachment, it means the child has to turn to places other than their parent to meet their needs.

I am pretty sensitive to sounds- especially multiple sources of sound (like the TV on, a device on, and voice noises), so I do understand that.

Might your aversion to watching cartoons and the sound have something to do with feelings about those activities that you haven't resolved within yourself?
It sounds like you are tolerating and allowing it, but do you see the *value* in it? The joy it brings your child?

Seeing the value - even if just to your child - might help make it even more tolerable. When it's even more tolerable, you might be open to finding not just tolerance but joy in it.

That might help you feel less bothered, and more able to embrace it.

Another GREAT piece of advice I've read either here or on Sandra's site (Or both probably) - wait until you have two options, and choose the better one.

In your post you said, either I limit her or I suffer. So you're starting at limiting her. When you start feeling overwhelmed and bothered by the cartoons (either the duration or the noise), you're starting with, I'm going to limit this- then wait for another option to come. People have made lots of good suggestions about things you can do (we have a few toys, some small blocks, books, my lap top, playdough, etc in the room where we watch tv- which is also right next to the kitchen).

Basically, if you make attachment your goal, if you are willing to trust that the activities your children select have real value, so that it's worth it to make the effort to embrace them and find a yes- and not just a yes, but a joyful, welcoming yes- that might help more than trying to figure out whether or not something is 'unschooling' or not-- and it will start feeling less like an 'effort' too. It's what totally helped me finally start to get unschooling (my kids are also 4 and 2).

Lisa C

Sent from my iPhone

Karen

>>>>> The message children hear when parents withdraw is akin to extortion--I don't like what you are doing, I am deserting you until you do something I like.<<<<<

I believe it may also depend on the intent of the parent. If the parent is making a choice between losing her temper and walking away, then walking away seems like the better choice in that situation. Next time, maybe (hopefully) the choice might be between walking away, and something better.

http://sandradodd.com/betterchoice.html

If, by walking away, the parent is hoping to frighten or manipulate the child into conforming to the parent's idea of what is acceptable. That's very different.

One is a first step toward building a better relationship. The other is entirely corrosive to any relationship, I believe.
Karen.

Marina DeLuca-Howard

I was saying walking away wasn't a good longterm strategy to a recurring situation--because its an emergency response when the alternative is doing something worse :)

Are you saying: The intent of the parent doesn't change the impact on the child? I

 think we are making different points?I was suggesting creativity and honesty. Its okay to have likes and dislikes. Its great for a child to see a parent work with their own discomfort because life is often about figuring out how to navigate situations.

 At 4.5 though it works well to keep things simple.  "I've had fun with you, but now I need a break from the noise/over-stimulation on the screen" and I will come back with a fruit plate/treat/suprize and take the younger child along or invite both kids to take a break. No need to devalue an activity or get angry or lose one's temper. Its a recurring situation. Lots of time to find new solutions and lots of great ones were in the thread. 

Marina


On 1 January 2014 12:46, Karen <semajrak@...> wrote:
 

>>>>> The message children hear when parents withdraw is akin to extortion--I don't like what you are doing, I am deserting you until you do something I like.<<<<<

I believe it may also depend on the intent of the parent. If the parent is making a choice between losing her temper and walking away, then walking away seems like the better choice in that situation. Next time, maybe (hopefully) the choice might be between walking away, and something better.

http://sandradodd.com/betterchoice.html

If, by walking away, the parent is hoping to frighten or manipulate the child into conforming to the parent's idea of what is acceptable. That's very different.

One is a first step toward building a better relationship. The other is entirely corrosive to any relationship, I believe.
Karen.




--
When will our consciences grow so tender that we will act to prevent human misery rather than avenge it?  Eleanor Roosevelt

Nemo risum praebuit, qui ex se coepit - Nobody is laughed at, who laughs at himself. (Seneca)

<cheri.tilford@...>

=> But I think my need is important too <=


what is your need, exactly?  


=> Because I read in this group how you all spend a lot of time watching tv, playing games with your kids and I don't think I'll be able to spend most of my day doing that <=


there's something about this sentence I find off-putting.  as if "watch tv all day with your kid" is an unschooling prescription that leaves a bad taste in one's mouth. 


=> and I don't like tv/computer noise to fill my whole day <=


a bit dramatic.  there is not one single thing that can possibly fill a Whole Day. 



my daughter (turns 3 in Feb) expertly navigates her iPad to watch cartoons on YouTube or play one of the many game apps.  some songs or voices initially strike me as annoying.  and then I look at her, completely and totally delighted, and I just melt.  I decide not to be irritated and instead I let her joy fill me up.  we frequently sit on the couch, her on my lap, our 2 iPads side by side, each of us absorbed in our own activity.  there's a silly cartoon playing now that I've grown to love, because how could I not enjoy something she loves so much?



cheri


Karen

>>>>> The message children hear when parents withdraw is akin to extortion--I don't like what you are doing, I am deserting you until you do something I like.<<<<<

I was responding to this statement above. I don't think removing oneself is always akin to extortion. I think there are some parents reading here who are better off walking away to regroup and reflect on better choices if the alternative is to belittle the child. If the intent of the parent is to take steps toward a more peaceful relationship with their child, walking away might be a really good first step. Not a long term solution. No. But, I don't believe, in this situation, it's extortion either.

>>>>>Are you saying: The intent of the parent doesn't change the impact on the child?<<<<<

Just yesterday my cell phone hung up twice on someone trying to help me get a prescription for antibiotics filled. It was near closing, New Years Eve. Ethan ran into the room I was in - his happy self - and wanted to share some updates on a game he was playing. He was very enthusiastic. I wasn't feeling 100%, and I was getting frustrated with my personal situation. I knew I would talk harshly to him if I didn't give myself a moment. So, I said to him "I just need a couple minutes here." He was very understanding. I don't believe he felt manipulated.

I think the intent of the parent does make a difference on how a child is affected by any interaction.

>>>>>I think we are making different points?I was suggesting creativity and honesty. Its okay to have likes and dislikes. Its great for a child to see a parent work with their own discomfort because life is often about figuring out how to navigate situations.<<<<<

Yes. I agree. I was making a different point. It often takes a parent some time to get to the place where she can be more creative about solutions to meeting everyone's needs, including her own. Until she gets to that point, stepping away *might* be a decent option. I don't think it's ideal, but I also don't think, when her intentions are to move toward building a better relationship with her child, it's emotional extortion.

>>>>>"I've had fun with you, but now I need a break from the noise/over-stimulation on the screen"<<<<<

(Below is from an earlier post...)

>>>>>"I love that you are enjoying that cartoon. But I'm sensitive to noise and feel overwhelmed if I watch too long"<<<<<

One really helpful, relationship building action I've learned from reading on this list is to stop (as often as I notice myself doing so) saying "but" after I've said something intending to be kind. "I'm sorry, but..." "I like what your doing, but..." It's dismissive, and not really honest if honesty is the intention. It dresses up nicely what a person really wants to say, and has the unintended effect of being a little manipulative.

It was a huge lightbulb for me to hear myself speaking in this way. I moved leaps and bounds toward stronger, more sincere relationships with both Ethan and my husband when I learned to drop the "but".

Karen.

Sandra Dodd

-=- I think there are some parents reading here who are better off walking away to regroup and reflect on better choices if the alternative is to belittle the child. If the intent of the parent is to take steps toward a more peaceful relationship with their child, walking away might be a really good first step. Not a long term solution. No. -=-

It's not extortion unless you get something from them.:-)

IF a parent is so volatile that walking away and closing a door was a better option than staying and yelling or hitting, then that's good!  
But it should not AT ALL be a regular or longterm practice.  And every parent should be refining her options.

At the bottom is a sound file, and there'a a transcript of part of it, about making choices.  

Don't find one "solution" and use it forever, if there's a better option.  And the new "better option" shouldn't be your ultimate best.

Sandra

Joyce Fetteroll

On Jan 1, 2014, at 3:34 PM, Karen <semajrak@...> wrote:

> I think the intent of the parent does make a difference on how a child is affected by any interaction.

A child isn't a mind reader. No one can know intent, only how someone's actions make them feel.

Trust that grows from experience will affect interpretation. A child who has experienced his mom being trustworthy in meeting his needs, will interpret "Wait a minute" differently than a child who feels his needs are often not at the top of mom's priority list.

What exactly a child will interpret a closed door as when he's crying for his mom can't really be known. But it's certainly not going to be positive.

A closed door will be better than yelling. Even better is learning to notice the build up to losing it's not even necessary to choose between yelling and closing a door.

Joyce

Pam Sorooshian


On Wed, Jan 1, 2014 at 12:34 PM, Karen <semajrak@...> wrote:
It was a huge lightbulb for me to hear myself speaking in this way.  I moved leaps and bounds toward stronger, more sincere relationships with both Ethan and my husband when I learned to drop the "but".

Me too. Even in my writing I catch it and always go back and try to figure out what that "but" really means. I often end up completely changing what I say. 

Recognizing how "but" indicates that what I said before isn't entirely true, how "just" can imply unimportance and be dismissive, and how "have to" can prevent clear thinking about alternatives --- those are among the most important things I learned from unschooling discussions.

I'm pretty sure I used to use those all in one sentence quite often: "I love you, my darling, but I just have to say that I don't like.....". 

-pam


Sandra Dodd

-=- At 4.5 though it works well to keep things simple.  "I've had fun with you, but now I need a break from the noise/over-stimulation on the screen" and I will come back with a fruit plate/treat/suprize and take the younger child along or invite both kids to take a break.-=-

I wouldn't say "I've had fun with you, but now I need a break from the noise/over-stimulation on the screen" to anyone.  I'd just say "I'll be back," and go get the fruit plate or whatever.

Sandra

Sandra Dodd

I share Cheri's discomfort. The responses below are Cheri's, and mine at the bottom.


=> Because I read in this group how you all spend a lot of time watching tv, playing games with your kids and I don't think I'll be able to spend most of my day doing that <=

[Cheri wrote:] there's something about this sentence I find off-putting. as if "watch tv all day with your kid" is an unschooling prescription that leaves a bad taste in one's mouth.

=> and I don't like tv/computer noise to fill my whole day <=

[Cheri wrote:] a bit dramatic. there is not one single thing that can possibly fill a Whole Day.

-------------------------
The top one, I agree with. It did sound sour, like the mom was saying "You all in this group spend time doing this distasteful thing..."

I couldn't guess whether the original writer wants us to say it's no problem that she can't do what we're doing, that she can unschool without playing with her kids, or whether we were to have said yes, unschooling is just for some people, not for you, buy-bye.

The second one, though, about what can fill a whole day...

Being an attentive, mindful parent can fill a whole day! :-) It can fill 18 years, but not unless the parent gets an early start and really works at it.

http://sandradodd.com/howto/precisely

There's a graph of how much time moms need to be with children. All mathematical and justified.

:-)

Sandra

Lisa Celedon

<<
Another GREAT piece of advice I've read either here or on Sandra's site (Or both probably) - wait until you have two options, and choose the better one>>

Sorry, a bunch of messages from this topic did not show up until after I'd written this (I just got a second daily digest) - someone linked the page I was talking about. :)

Lisa C

Sent from my iPhone

tandos mama

On Wed Jan 1, 2014 1:42 pm (PST) . Posted by:

"Joyce Fetteroll" jfetteroll




>> I think the intent of the parent does make a difference on how a child is affected by any interaction. (this is what Joyce was responding to...)

>A child isn't a mind reader. No one can know intent, only how someone's actions make them feel. (this is what Joyce said)

Thank you, Joyce, for saying this in response to the prior comment about intent making a difference. (I hope my quoting reads clearly).  This idea seems fundamental...that we can't expect others to know our intent. If I notice that one of my kids is upset by something I do, and I believe my intent to be otherwise, my child's upset is the message I need to notice. My child is clearly showing me that my intent is NOT getting communicated clearly. As the grown-up it's my responsibility to figure out what I can do differently to insure that my kids feel my intent.

I think this is more obvious to us when we consider interactions between adults. But with kids we often assume that we know better and therefore it's tolerable for kids to be unhappy about our choices. Clearly as parents we're the more capable, powerful ones, but that can enable us to be the more patient, more understanding and more helpful partners.

We can, in each instance, choose a better option. We can also choose better outlooks. I could remain irritated by annoying TV noise, or I can become enchanted by my kids' fascination with stories, songs and moving images. Maybe these sound like extreme opposites, but they are descriptions of my real responses to my real kids. Choosing the better option didn't happen instantly, but with conscious choices in each instant.

I think that before we can clearly communicate our intent toward our kids, we have to clear up our beliefs and language.

Tori


Sandra Dodd

-=- My child is clearly showing me that my intent is NOT getting communicated clearly. As the grown-up it's my responsibility to figure out what I can do differently to insure that my kids feel my intent.-=-

Regardless of your "intent" which is entirely internal, you should care more about your children than yourself, while they're little, if you want maximum happiness.  Thinking that it's your responsibility to manipulate them so that you can maintain "your intent" seems very convoluted.  Forget your intent for a while.  Try to see directly, be with them, be FOR them.


Sandra

tandos mama

-=- My child is clearly showing me that my intent is NOT getting communicated clearly. As the grown-up it's my responsibility to figure out what I can do differently to insure that my kids feel my intent.-=-

<Regardless of your "intent" which is entirely internal, you should care more about your children than yourself, while they're little, if you want maximum happiness. Thinking that it's your responsibility to manipulate them so that you can maintain "your intent" seems very convoluted. Forget your intent for a while. Try to see directly, be with them, be FOR them.>

<http://sandradodd.com/being>

<Sandra>

I completely agree that we should care more about our kids than ourselves, and no one should manipulate others. I found the initial reference to intent in this thread disturbing. Joyce voiced my concern about how actions don't always convey intentions because intent is internal. And perhaps people aren't always clear about their intentions.

Maybe what I wrote was poorly worded. It's easy to interpret differently when the first sentence is excerpted from the rest of the message. Thanks for pointing that out. Here's another attempt: A parent wants to support her children and cares about their happiness. Yet her actions have made them cry. That's a problem, especially if the parent continues to do the thing that makes the kids cry. But if we pay attention to our kids we can see whether our actions are supportive of their interests and happiness, and we can choose to be with and for them.

Intent is internal just like many of the attitudes and assumptions that can influence our thoughts and behavior. I'm suggesting that being aware of these is useful. Choosing a better option is conscious intent. When we confront situations that are difficult for us--like the tv noise as described by the initial writer--we can initially choose to see our kids' needs and happiness as more important than our own comfort. We can also eventually discover that our kids' happiness changes our experience of the thing that used to trouble us. Annoying tv noise becomes magical stories, songs and moving images accompanied by smiles and laughter we share with our kids.

Tori
 

Sandra Dodd

-=-Choosing a better option is conscious intent-=-

Other way.  Intent to o better can lead to choosing a better option, but then the chosen option is not an intent.  It's an action, or posture, or patience, or the provision of a resource, or a kind word.  

Sandra