<mmarr@...>

I'm asking this as a "how to maintain the peace in a mostly unschooling household" kind of question, which I hope is on-topic enough. 

My husband was in a head-on collision at highway speeds on his way home from work December 2. Thanks to the seatbelt/airbags/SUV, he's black and blue and might have a chipped bone in his ankle, but he'll recover. We're both feeling very lucky that he's alive.  

We're also both starting to crumble from the stress.

We live in a small house (six people in 1600 square feet) and  I think the kids are starting to drive their father nuts.  For the first two weeks after the accident, he mostly slept.  Now he's getting around better, but still unable to go back to his strenuous factory job. The doctor wants him off work until mid-January. 

He's getting crankier by the day. I can understand -- the pain keeps him awake most of the night, he's worried about suddenly having no income, mad about losing all of his vacation time for next year because that's the way his employer does things (he had two time share trips scheduled at places that are almost impossible to get into with his work schedule that will have to be cancelled), the other driver's insurance company won't even admit that she has coverage because she's in the ICU and can't speak...he's been waiting weeks for physical therapy to get hte paperwork so he can even schedule an appointment...  and there has just been a ton of little day-to-day stuff popping up. He's had migraines almost every day since the accident. :-(

I'm trying to keep things as peaceful as I can, but the rhythm in the house is different when he's home and it's throwing everyone for a loop.  

It hit me the other day that I might be able to come up with more ideas for (I don't know the word I want here -- pampering, soothing, comforting...something along those lines) my husband.  I've been checking to see if he's awake when I make make breakfast  and lunch and taking a plate in to him if I hear the television, screening phone calls, trying to keep the kids reasonably quiet and peaceful... 

But I'm sure there are some better ideas that I'm missing right now. The injury and resulting blow to our finances are a temporary bump in the road -- I'm trying to do my best to make sure it doesn't cause more permanent problems. 

Michelle 

Karen

>>>>> It hit me the other day that I might be able to come up with more ideas for (I don't know the word I want here -- pampering, soothing, comforting...something along those lines) my husband.<<<<<

Does he or did he have favourite music? Music that evokes feel good memories? Perhaps you could play some of that during the day when he's wandering around.

Does he respond to smells? Maybe wash his bed linen, including pillow, and drop a couple drops of something soothing onto it. Lavender maybe?

Does he have a favourite meal? Make that. Serve it to him in bed, by candlelight.

Bring him a comfy robe or blanket. Tell him you love him. Give him a hug.

Think up lots of little gestures that say "I love you." Be soft. Two weeks will pass before you know it. In the meantime take this as an opportunity to invest in your relationship.

Karen.

Nancy

Are there any ways to get the kids out of the house more during the day? free activities? friends houses?
Are any of your friends or neighbors offering help (meals, childcare, etc) that you can use? 

I can relate, because in the last 3 years, our family has had 3 major medical crises. For the last 2 years, my husband has used up all his vacation time recovering from surgeries (feb 2012 and jan 2013) and we had thousands and thousands of dollars of medical expenses that we were unprepared for.

Its very stressful- money troubles, health troubles. What helped me was really just living in the moment, staying present, being grateful things were not worse, reminding myself and my husband that this was temporary, just gotta get thru it. I constantly repeated to myself that the only way to the end was through the middle, gets darker before it gets lighter, that sort of thing. We hunkered down into crisis mode and did not take on huge projects or committments. We accepted so much help from our community, people brought meals, helped with the kids so I could take husband to appointments, I even had friends come and help clean my house. Support and encouragement from my friends and family helped me emotionally as well as tangentially.

We also had to radically change our financial habits in order to be able to pay the medical bills. Its been a big lifestyle adjustment, but we are actually in a much better position now than we were before. We've learned so much. I think our family is stronger. 

in 2011 I broke my leg and had to have surgery and then was not allowed to put weight on it for  5 months. I felt so needy and dependent on my husband and kids for everything-helping me get around, taking my wheelchair up and down the stairs in and out of the house, I could not take a bath by myself! My husband was exhausted-working all day adn then had to come home and do everything at home that I couldnt do! It sucks to feel so helpless. Be tender with your husband, be light, be positive and supportive. Laughter is good. Get everyone laughing every day.


Nancy

Zibby age 9
Henry age 6







Cheryl Elliott

My husband craves being pampered when stuck in bed feeling bored or sorry for himself. ;) Me spending time with him, watching a movie, massaging him, cuddling, eating with him, talking, whatever.

The kids being quieter is very helpful as there are times when your nerves are just on edge. If the kids wanted to hang and talk quietly or pile in the bed and watch something, that's great. If he's up to playing board games...maybe some Monopoly? Or games on say an iPad?

Great time for the kids to find things to enjoy outdoors for a time if he's really on edge.

Mine gets more antsy if he's left alone. So, I'd say try to include him when possible into your day to day lives.

Cheryl

<bragdontina@...>

Easier said than done, I know, but keep living in the moment and just "be"...! Everyone has such great ideas here that they have shared. You can provide for his physical needs like you have already mentioned, as well as be tender to him....the music, smells, etc like Nancy and Karen mentioned. I noticed you talked about disrupted rhythms and everyone being "thrown for a loop." That is not necessarily a bad thing, just "different" and a new normal for you, albeit temporary. We have not necessarily had acute medical issues in our family, but in 2007 my husband was diagnosed with sarcoidodis, a chronic inflammatory disease which greatly reduced his physical stamina and has caused him widespread pain and fatigue and changed his employment. He was quite ill the first 6 months after being diagnosed. I work anywhere from 6-10 days a month as a nurse and at the time really had to step up my hours....I remember feeling frustrated that I/we couldn't fit our ideals of what was (in our minds) a perfect unschooling home... talk about disrupted rhythms! My kids were only 7 and 4 at that time. once I relaxed and let go of my ideals things were so much better for us. No, I may have not been able to take my kids to many activities like before but there were "new normals" to be treasured...we have memories of the kids on the couch with dad when i was at work, with books and small games and the remote in hand and dad's inflamed massively swollen legs propped up and just the joy they got from him being with them. They saw and internalized how to be considerate of someone who was sick and at times frustrated. We had conversations and youtube videos about anatomy and your immune system even. My husband is now back to being able to work and with fairly well controlled symptoms. I have found my mental attitude to be the biggest help for myself in all this...just doing the inner work to get to a place of acceptance with the resolve of being the best we can be in the new circumstances. And I found from personal experience that self care is important too...ask for help when you need it, relax standards like housework, DON'T stay up too late because that makes everything look that much more overwhelming when you are tired! Like others said be kind, soft, positive, and supportive....this too will pass.

Sandra Dodd

If you have the equipment and he has the interest, maybe audible.com books that he could listen to, maybe with headphones, and fall asleep to, even. It would be a distraction, and input, and a retreat. The last thing I listened to I really liked (except the part about school): Smarter Than you Think. They have quite a bit of science fiction and adventure stuff (I don't know what he likes, but it's what my husband would like). I mostly listen to social history, cultural stuff, non-fiction.

I have an iPod with a neck strap, but the last one I listened to on the iPad, sometimes while I played games or cooked or whatever.

Sandra