Sandra Dodd

I wrote this in response to something on someone's facebook page, but it seemed worth sharing.

This isn't the quote yet. A couple of years ago at a conference in England, another speaker (who had pre-school children, but worked with troubled teens as a social worker) was cheerily assuring everyone that attachment parenting could prevent future problems, but he repeatedly used the term "impulse control" as something wonderful that attachment parenting would gift children with. I suggested "choices," but he didn't understand what I meant.

Here is what I meant two years ago, and earlier today:

----------------

I think it's as important to turn away from "self control" and "self regulation" as it is to turn away from schoolishness itself.

When people have the opportunity and encouragement to make real decisions for real reasons, and they know why the're doing what they're doing, and they're not doing things that don't seem to have a purpose, then "control" and "regulation" don't factor in at all.

I know it sounds crazy, and I also know a LOT of families who thought it sounded crazy and now have that same feeling about serious discussions of "self control" or "impulse control."

http://sandradodd.com/self-regulation

----------------

Sandra

teresa

I liked this the best from the page linked:

"'Self-regulate' means 'eventually do what the mom wanted, spontaneously,' sometimes, and other times means that the child will begin to have 'self control' and tell himself no. A lot."

My 7 year old is beginning to play with the idea of choices and control in a funny way. He'll say something to me like "I'm not asking for another bowl of ice cream, but if I were, you'd probably say no, right?" He's so sincere about it, and every time I want to smile! Sometimes, the answer is, "Sure, have another bowl," And other times, it's "I wanted to save the last bowl for dad when he gets home. I'll pick up another half-gallon tomorrow," or "Maybe ask your brother first he wants to split the last of it with you."

I think if we had a relationship characterized by control, he'd be one of those kids who told himself no a lot--he's really concerned with doing the right thing. But he's learning how to identify his choices AND get the information he needs to make a choice that he feels good about, not guilty or deprived or martyr-ish.

Teresa
Woody (7) and Fox (4)

--- In [email protected], Sandra Dodd <Sandra@...> wrote:
>
> I wrote this in response to something on someone's facebook page, but it seemed worth sharing.
>
> This isn't the quote yet. A couple of years ago at a conference in England, another speaker (who had pre-school children, but worked with troubled teens as a social worker) was cheerily assuring everyone that attachment parenting could prevent future problems, but he repeatedly used the term "impulse control" as something wonderful that attachment parenting would gift children with. I suggested "choices," but he didn't understand what I meant.
>
> Here is what I meant two years ago, and earlier today:
>
> ----------------
>
> I think it's as important to turn away from "self control" and "self regulation" as it is to turn away from schoolishness itself.
>
> When people have the opportunity and encouragement to make real decisions for real reasons, and they know why the're doing what they're doing, and they're not doing things that don't seem to have a purpose, then "control" and "regulation" don't factor in at all.
>
> I know it sounds crazy, and I also know a LOT of families who thought it sounded crazy and now have that same feeling about serious discussions of "self control" or "impulse control."
>
> http://sandradodd.com/self-regulation
>
> ----------------
>
> Sandra
>