Kids fighting over things
emstrength3
This morning my 7 year old and 5 year old were fighting over a hair band and saying, "I had it first!" I tried to figure out who really had it first, but wasn't sure. This kind of thing happens a lot and I'm not sure how to handle it. Sometimes I can figure out who really had the item first and return it. Sometimes it belongs to one or the other of them and then it's easy. Sometimes I can find some other same/similar item and give that to one of them, or I find something else for one of them to do and everyone is happy.
But when none of that works, the only thing I've been able to think to do is take the thing away so they aren't hurting each other over it until we can figure out some kind of solution. Unfortunately, like this morning with the hair band, that leads to me wrestling it out of both of their hands because neither one wants to give it up.
My 7 year old got really upset as she pointed out the obvious irony in the fact that I was taking something out of their hands while telling them not to take things out of each other's hands. She was also mad because she feels like I don't believe her when she says she had it first.
Based on the times when I do see what happened and just knowing their personalities, it's highly likely that my 7 year old is telling the truth and my 5 year old is the one who is taking things. However, when I don't see it, I can't know for sure, so what do I do? If I believe my 7 year old every time, then what if there are times when she really does take things from the 5 year old and then the 5 year old will feel like I'm playing favorites or something?!
Suggestions of how to handle this?
Emily
But when none of that works, the only thing I've been able to think to do is take the thing away so they aren't hurting each other over it until we can figure out some kind of solution. Unfortunately, like this morning with the hair band, that leads to me wrestling it out of both of their hands because neither one wants to give it up.
My 7 year old got really upset as she pointed out the obvious irony in the fact that I was taking something out of their hands while telling them not to take things out of each other's hands. She was also mad because she feels like I don't believe her when she says she had it first.
Based on the times when I do see what happened and just knowing their personalities, it's highly likely that my 7 year old is telling the truth and my 5 year old is the one who is taking things. However, when I don't see it, I can't know for sure, so what do I do? If I believe my 7 year old every time, then what if there are times when she really does take things from the 5 year old and then the 5 year old will feel like I'm playing favorites or something?!
Suggestions of how to handle this?
Emily
Farhana Khimani
Dear Emily
Fortunately
or unfortunately, these kinds of fights are ignored by parents which certainly
give chance to kids to either enhance their decision making or fighting skills.
Here I
would suggest you that we should encourage kids to "Share" things by
saying ... yes this band belongs to us and we should share it now it’s your
turn to decide who needs this first until you come up with the answer with
logical reason this doesn’t belong to any of you.
Secondly,
we can ask the elder one to quit, this will help her to increase her tolerance
level and letting things go and owning that she makes her younger one happy but
yes it will increase the courage of younger one to always fight and get the
thing younger one wants.
Hope this
helps.
Kind
Regards,
Farhana
________________________________
From: emstrength3 <emstrength@...>
To: [email protected]
Sent: Wednesday, 10 July 2013 10:26 PM
Subject: [AlwaysLearning] Kids fighting over things
This morning my 7 year old and 5 year old were fighting over a hair band and saying, "I had it first!" I tried to figure out who really had it first, but wasn't sure. This kind of thing happens a lot and I'm not sure how to handle it. Sometimes I can figure out who really had the item first and return it. Sometimes it belongs to one or the other of them and then it's easy. Sometimes I can find some other same/similar item and give that to one of them, or I find something else for one of them to do and everyone is happy.
But when none of that works, the only thing I've been able to think to do is take the thing away so they aren't hurting each other over it until we can figure out some kind of solution. Unfortunately, like this morning with the hair band, that leads to me wrestling it out of both of their hands because neither one wants to give it up.
My 7 year old got really upset as she pointed out the obvious irony in the fact that I was taking something out of their hands while telling them not to take things out of each other's hands. She was also mad because she feels like I don't believe her when she says she had it first.
Based on the times when I do see what happened and just knowing their personalities, it's highly likely that my 7 year old is telling the truth and my 5 year old is the one who is taking things. However, when I don't see it, I can't know for sure, so what do I do? If I believe my 7 year old every time, then what if there are times when she really does take things from the 5 year old and then the 5 year old will feel like I'm playing favorites or something?!
Suggestions of how to handle this?
Emily
[Non-text portions of this message have been removed]
Fortunately
or unfortunately, these kinds of fights are ignored by parents which certainly
give chance to kids to either enhance their decision making or fighting skills.
Here I
would suggest you that we should encourage kids to "Share" things by
saying ... yes this band belongs to us and we should share it now it’s your
turn to decide who needs this first until you come up with the answer with
logical reason this doesn’t belong to any of you.
Secondly,
we can ask the elder one to quit, this will help her to increase her tolerance
level and letting things go and owning that she makes her younger one happy but
yes it will increase the courage of younger one to always fight and get the
thing younger one wants.
Hope this
helps.
Kind
Regards,
Farhana
________________________________
From: emstrength3 <emstrength@...>
To: [email protected]
Sent: Wednesday, 10 July 2013 10:26 PM
Subject: [AlwaysLearning] Kids fighting over things
This morning my 7 year old and 5 year old were fighting over a hair band and saying, "I had it first!" I tried to figure out who really had it first, but wasn't sure. This kind of thing happens a lot and I'm not sure how to handle it. Sometimes I can figure out who really had the item first and return it. Sometimes it belongs to one or the other of them and then it's easy. Sometimes I can find some other same/similar item and give that to one of them, or I find something else for one of them to do and everyone is happy.
But when none of that works, the only thing I've been able to think to do is take the thing away so they aren't hurting each other over it until we can figure out some kind of solution. Unfortunately, like this morning with the hair band, that leads to me wrestling it out of both of their hands because neither one wants to give it up.
My 7 year old got really upset as she pointed out the obvious irony in the fact that I was taking something out of their hands while telling them not to take things out of each other's hands. She was also mad because she feels like I don't believe her when she says she had it first.
Based on the times when I do see what happened and just knowing their personalities, it's highly likely that my 7 year old is telling the truth and my 5 year old is the one who is taking things. However, when I don't see it, I can't know for sure, so what do I do? If I believe my 7 year old every time, then what if there are times when she really does take things from the 5 year old and then the 5 year old will feel like I'm playing favorites or something?!
Suggestions of how to handle this?
Emily
[Non-text portions of this message have been removed]
Sandra Dodd
-=- I tried to figure out who really had it first, but wasn't sure. This kind of thing happens a lot and I'm not sure how to handle it.-=-
-=-This morning my 7 year old and 5 year old were fighting over a hair band-=-
I'm not sure if you mean a plastic hair band, or a cloth one, or a hair tie. If the first, it probably belongs to one or the other. If the second or third, get more of them.
When a baby has a dangerous object, the easiest way to get it away from him is to hold out something more attractive and wiggle it, jingle it, and he will drop what he has and grab the new thing.
Sometimes it works with older kids as well.
If you have other hair bands, bring them and set them down and say "look."
But if there's a fight going on, you could say "DROP IT." and when the thing is dropped, proceed here:
http://sandradodd.com/peace/fighting
Everything else you wrote would be handled by that process.
Sandra
[Non-text portions of this message have been removed]
-=-This morning my 7 year old and 5 year old were fighting over a hair band-=-
I'm not sure if you mean a plastic hair band, or a cloth one, or a hair tie. If the first, it probably belongs to one or the other. If the second or third, get more of them.
When a baby has a dangerous object, the easiest way to get it away from him is to hold out something more attractive and wiggle it, jingle it, and he will drop what he has and grab the new thing.
Sometimes it works with older kids as well.
If you have other hair bands, bring them and set them down and say "look."
But if there's a fight going on, you could say "DROP IT." and when the thing is dropped, proceed here:
http://sandradodd.com/peace/fighting
Everything else you wrote would be handled by that process.
Sandra
[Non-text portions of this message have been removed]
Ali Zeljo
Hi Emily,
Another thing that sometimes works with my kids is to come in saying- oh so you both need the hair band. They agree. Then I turn to one and ask what they need it for, and repeat back what I understood that kid's plan. Then I ask the other what her plan is with the rubberband. Usually I can think of a few possible solutions to help each kid do what they wanted - either by using another object, coming up with a way of doing both ideas, etc.
Often I can tell that the younger kid just wanted to participate in what the older one was doing and didn't have the social skills to do it appropriately- or caught the older one at an intolerant moment. I suggest ways to each of them to deal with the issue that might have prevented a heated fight. Like the older could have said- oh, you want me to get you a hairband too? (Rather than- get away thats mine!). Or, the younger could have said- hey I like what you are doing, can you show me how? (Instead of grabbing for it).
Usually by this time they are both calm, and one is ready to move on and do something different with me anyhow.
Hope this helps!
Ali
Another thing that sometimes works with my kids is to come in saying- oh so you both need the hair band. They agree. Then I turn to one and ask what they need it for, and repeat back what I understood that kid's plan. Then I ask the other what her plan is with the rubberband. Usually I can think of a few possible solutions to help each kid do what they wanted - either by using another object, coming up with a way of doing both ideas, etc.
Often I can tell that the younger kid just wanted to participate in what the older one was doing and didn't have the social skills to do it appropriately- or caught the older one at an intolerant moment. I suggest ways to each of them to deal with the issue that might have prevented a heated fight. Like the older could have said- oh, you want me to get you a hairband too? (Rather than- get away thats mine!). Or, the younger could have said- hey I like what you are doing, can you show me how? (Instead of grabbing for it).
Usually by this time they are both calm, and one is ready to move on and do something different with me anyhow.
Hope this helps!
Ali
Meredith
"emstrength3" <emstrength@...> wrote:
Be close to them more so you can help them work things out before they get to the grabbing stage. Once things get physical, you run out of good options fast and are faced with a series of less-bad ones.
Look for patterns and underlying issues - kids are more likely to quarrel when they aren't happy about something. It could be that one child is wanting the attention of the other and is creating conflict as a way of getting attention. It could be one child is more introverted and is fighting as a way to get away from her sister - get her mad and she'll leave me alone. It could be one of them is bored - nothing like antagonizing a sibling to relieve a little boredom... but frequently boredom is a function of something like loneliness, so more attention helps. Maybe someone's getting snappish because she's hungry. Staying close will set you up to see those kinds of dynamics going on and make changes sooner - hours and days sooner!
Talk to her sometime when things are calm. What are some other ways you could respond in the moment?
What are some ways to make things easier on your 7yo in general so that it's easier for her to put up with a little sister who sometimes grabs things?
Talk with your 5yo as well, separately. What are some ways to make things easier on her, too?
If the trouble is that the 5yo wants her big sister's attention, organize some things they can do and enjoy together on a regular basis.
---Meredith
>***********
> This morning my 7 year old and 5 year old were fighting over a hair band and saying, "I had it first!" I tried to figure out who really had it first, but wasn't sure. This kind of thing happens a lot and I'm not sure how to handle it.
Be close to them more so you can help them work things out before they get to the grabbing stage. Once things get physical, you run out of good options fast and are faced with a series of less-bad ones.
Look for patterns and underlying issues - kids are more likely to quarrel when they aren't happy about something. It could be that one child is wanting the attention of the other and is creating conflict as a way of getting attention. It could be one child is more introverted and is fighting as a way to get away from her sister - get her mad and she'll leave me alone. It could be one of them is bored - nothing like antagonizing a sibling to relieve a little boredom... but frequently boredom is a function of something like loneliness, so more attention helps. Maybe someone's getting snappish because she's hungry. Staying close will set you up to see those kinds of dynamics going on and make changes sooner - hours and days sooner!
> My 7 year old got really upset as she pointed out the obvious irony in the fact that I was taking something out of their hands while telling them not to take things out of each other's hands.*************
Talk to her sometime when things are calm. What are some other ways you could respond in the moment?
What are some ways to make things easier on your 7yo in general so that it's easier for her to put up with a little sister who sometimes grabs things?
Talk with your 5yo as well, separately. What are some ways to make things easier on her, too?
If the trouble is that the 5yo wants her big sister's attention, organize some things they can do and enjoy together on a regular basis.
---Meredith
Sandra Dodd
-=-Fortunately
or unfortunately, these kinds of fights are ignored by parents -=-
Not by parents who want to create a more peaceful environment, they're not.
Not by those who want to become great unschooling parents, they're not.
I don't think it's ever "fortunate" for children to left to figure things out like that on their own. It's irresponsible parenting.
Sandra
[Non-text portions of this message have been removed]
or unfortunately, these kinds of fights are ignored by parents -=-
Not by parents who want to create a more peaceful environment, they're not.
Not by those who want to become great unschooling parents, they're not.
I don't think it's ever "fortunate" for children to left to figure things out like that on their own. It's irresponsible parenting.
Sandra
[Non-text portions of this message have been removed]
Joyce Fetteroll
On Jul 10, 2013, at 8:30 PM, Farhana Khimani wrote:
Rocket science isn't anywhere near as complex as negotiating relationships between two humans who want opposing things. Most adults don't have the skills. It's beyond cruel to leave kids to try to figure it out.
The solution to many many problems is Be more present.
Joyce
[Non-text portions of this message have been removed]
> FortunatelyIt can look on the surface like kids are figuring things out. Inattentive parents believe their kids are working things out if the kids are quieter. But what kids learn is not to go to their parents because their parents won't help and may make the situation worse. What often happens is the stronger kid learns how to bully the other into silence. That's not just a guess but what adults have reported was their experience as kids when their parents left them to figure it out.
> or unfortunately, these kinds of fights are ignored by parents which certainly
> give chance to kids to either enhance their decision making or fighting skills.
Rocket science isn't anywhere near as complex as negotiating relationships between two humans who want opposing things. Most adults don't have the skills. It's beyond cruel to leave kids to try to figure it out.
The solution to many many problems is Be more present.
Joyce
[Non-text portions of this message have been removed]
catiamaciel@...
dear all,
i'm preparing the holidays in my mother-in-law house. She will recieve
us - me, my husband and son (almost 4), to other cousins that we know
very well (6 and 12 years old girls - not shure they are comming) and
5 brothers and sisters (3, 6, 9, 11, 13) we don't know and that are
arriving, from the States to Portugal.
My mother in law lives in the country side, with a very big house,
garden and farm but all is very controled in there. We can't go on the
farm or on the street - just on the garden, we can't get dirty, be
naked nor play with water. When inside the house, we can't go on the
rooms or on the 1st floor because of the stairs, meals are with
children all toguether in one table, lot's of yelling and spanking
from the other parents, at least the portuguese ones, i dont know
about the family coming from the US.
we are planning to be outside the most part of the time. There is a
big pine tree where, on summer, we build, togheter, a tipee, an
hammac, tent and we bring carpets, paper, pencils, paints, computer
with videos, musical instruments... and we spend all our time there
avoiding adult critics.
I would like this to work - with the 8 of them - because it is ver
important to my husband and i fell happy to know that my son knows and
likes is family. We know trics like going on the children table at
every meal, take the car and go for a ride if the adults yelling gets
really upsetting etc... but, for this specific time - with 8 different
children whio dont know each other, different languages - i would like
to have more ideias.
Until now, no other adults joined us on the pine tree. This year, even
with more children, it cam be the same.
The 5 brothers and sisters sleep in another house.
i would apreciate any good ideias on "things" to do with them and how
to handle critical situations.
And, for the americans, what can be the super heroes and movies that
interest a 3, 6 (girls) 9, 11, 13 (boys) child? Just to be shure i
will print the good painting pages.
thank you for your advice and sorry for my english.
cátia maciel, from sunny Lisbon.
i'm preparing the holidays in my mother-in-law house. She will recieve
us - me, my husband and son (almost 4), to other cousins that we know
very well (6 and 12 years old girls - not shure they are comming) and
5 brothers and sisters (3, 6, 9, 11, 13) we don't know and that are
arriving, from the States to Portugal.
My mother in law lives in the country side, with a very big house,
garden and farm but all is very controled in there. We can't go on the
farm or on the street - just on the garden, we can't get dirty, be
naked nor play with water. When inside the house, we can't go on the
rooms or on the 1st floor because of the stairs, meals are with
children all toguether in one table, lot's of yelling and spanking
from the other parents, at least the portuguese ones, i dont know
about the family coming from the US.
we are planning to be outside the most part of the time. There is a
big pine tree where, on summer, we build, togheter, a tipee, an
hammac, tent and we bring carpets, paper, pencils, paints, computer
with videos, musical instruments... and we spend all our time there
avoiding adult critics.
I would like this to work - with the 8 of them - because it is ver
important to my husband and i fell happy to know that my son knows and
likes is family. We know trics like going on the children table at
every meal, take the car and go for a ride if the adults yelling gets
really upsetting etc... but, for this specific time - with 8 different
children whio dont know each other, different languages - i would like
to have more ideias.
Until now, no other adults joined us on the pine tree. This year, even
with more children, it cam be the same.
The 5 brothers and sisters sleep in another house.
i would apreciate any good ideias on "things" to do with them and how
to handle critical situations.
And, for the americans, what can be the super heroes and movies that
interest a 3, 6 (girls) 9, 11, 13 (boys) child? Just to be shure i
will print the good painting pages.
thank you for your advice and sorry for my english.
cátia maciel, from sunny Lisbon.
Sandra Dodd
-=-I would like this to work - with the 8 of them - because it is ver
important to my husband and i fell happy to know that my son knows and
likes is family.-=-
Your reaction to yelling and spanking will be different from your son's. You will have your whole life of memories an visceral responses. Your son won't. Maybe he will respond strongly and the other parents will stop (if something starts). I would let that happen, if it does. If he gets scared or wants to object, don't shush him�let him express shock. But then again, he might not be shocked. He might already know that different parents are different ways, and not see it as a threat to himself, in which case I would let that go, too.
-=-The 5 brothers and sisters sleep in another house.-=-
The family from the U.S. is staying in a different place? Will you be staying with your mother-in-law?
If things get really bad, how far would it be to go home early?
Maybe take soothing, familiar music so that if you and your son are stressed, you can go and lie down and listen to familiar music and take a nap, even if it's not "naptime." Or to help you sleep better at night.
Sometimes parents are more afraid than they need to be. Sometimes they stay longer than they should. If it's a voluntary visit, and you're not having any fun, find a place to go near there to explore, or volunteer to go to the store.
-=-with 8 different children whio dont know each other, different languages - i would like to have more ideias.-=-
Bubbles? (maybe too close to getting wet, though). Are there hiding places, for hide-and-seek?
Balloons, just regular air, to use as balls, to keep up in the air, or to carry or to aim at a target of some sort? Laundry basket? (For youngest kids, and it doesn't need language.)
Others can help with popular coloring pages.
Sandra
[Non-text portions of this message have been removed]
important to my husband and i fell happy to know that my son knows and
likes is family.-=-
Your reaction to yelling and spanking will be different from your son's. You will have your whole life of memories an visceral responses. Your son won't. Maybe he will respond strongly and the other parents will stop (if something starts). I would let that happen, if it does. If he gets scared or wants to object, don't shush him�let him express shock. But then again, he might not be shocked. He might already know that different parents are different ways, and not see it as a threat to himself, in which case I would let that go, too.
-=-The 5 brothers and sisters sleep in another house.-=-
The family from the U.S. is staying in a different place? Will you be staying with your mother-in-law?
If things get really bad, how far would it be to go home early?
Maybe take soothing, familiar music so that if you and your son are stressed, you can go and lie down and listen to familiar music and take a nap, even if it's not "naptime." Or to help you sleep better at night.
Sometimes parents are more afraid than they need to be. Sometimes they stay longer than they should. If it's a voluntary visit, and you're not having any fun, find a place to go near there to explore, or volunteer to go to the store.
-=-with 8 different children whio dont know each other, different languages - i would like to have more ideias.-=-
Bubbles? (maybe too close to getting wet, though). Are there hiding places, for hide-and-seek?
Balloons, just regular air, to use as balls, to keep up in the air, or to carry or to aim at a target of some sort? Laundry basket? (For youngest kids, and it doesn't need language.)
Others can help with popular coloring pages.
Sandra
[Non-text portions of this message have been removed]
Meredith
>> And, for the americans, what can be the super heroes and movies thatIt depends so much on what they like, especially with the older kids. Can you write or email the families and say you're trying to put together some kid-friendly activities and want suggestions? I wouldn't expect the older kids to necessarily be interested in painting - especially boys. They're "too old for that (it's girly)" in the world of school - the "too old for that (it's girly)" phenomenon is going to be the biggest challenge to work around with boys so it's important to get some information about what they actually enjoy.
> interest a 3, 6 (girls) 9, 11, 13 (boys) child? Just to be shure i
> will print the good painting pages.
Minecraft is popular across a wide range of kids in the US, so maybe something Minecraft related would interest several kids, even older kids. And the superhero movie of the summer is about Superman, if you're sure superheros are an interest ... but for true superhero buffs it's important to know if they prefer DC superheros or Marvel - here's a handy reference guide:
http://www.ign.com/face-off/marvel-vs-dc/heroes
For little girls, My Little Pony is a perennial favorite (and there's a new category of "bronies" - boys who love the series, too). For young kids in general, Pokemon is a perennial favorite and for slightly older kids (girls and boys) Inuyasha (demons! rending and slaying! but with a girl main character). Pirates tend to be popular with boys, even slightly older boys, so pirate-themed fun could be good and you could combine it with other things. Talking animals tend to be popular with girls - and the Redwall books involve talking animals as knights and pirates and the like, so it could be a good crossover series.
---Meredith
emstrength3
Thanks for all the suggestions! I think I've figured out what is going on with them lately. A neighbor girl has been coming over a lot for long periods of time for several weeks. For example, today she came around 9:30 and said she had to be home at 1:30. Other days she has done this and then come back again for several hours in the afternoon. They mostly get along with her, but by the time she leaves they are DONE with social interaction and have less patience with each other. We've all agreed that she can come in the morning, but they want me to tell her not to come back in the afternoon.
We've also gone on two camping trips in the last few weeks, so that also messed up our normal routines and activities, plus they were playing with their cousins all day, every day during this last trip and that is overwhelming as well.
To top it all off, their dad is a wild land firefighter and he has been gone for 2 months, so of course they miss him and that is added stress.
I do make a point to stay present with them and was in the same room making them food when the situation in the OP happened, however with all of this other stuff going on, it was good to get the reminder to do even more to be present and involved.
Thanks!
Emily
We've also gone on two camping trips in the last few weeks, so that also messed up our normal routines and activities, plus they were playing with their cousins all day, every day during this last trip and that is overwhelming as well.
To top it all off, their dad is a wild land firefighter and he has been gone for 2 months, so of course they miss him and that is added stress.
I do make a point to stay present with them and was in the same room making them food when the situation in the OP happened, however with all of this other stuff going on, it was good to get the reminder to do even more to be present and involved.
Thanks!
Emily