Partners, not Adversaries (and antagonism)
Sandra Dodd
This is from a facebook discussion, but it's too good to leave there to disappear like a tumbleweed. So I'm bringing it here to be stored forever in the archives. Like a carefully-collected.... tumbleweed. :-)
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From another topic, a minor quote: "maybe antagonism is just to strong a word"
One of my starting points with parenting was "be his partner, not his adversary."
When the relationship between a mother and child is adversarial, or antagonistic, then one will win and one will lose. That's the way it works, with those words, with those stances.
When a mother is negative about her child's choices and expresses that in a strong way, and considers her ideas right and his just plain wrong, dangerous, lazy, stupid, and doesn't want to figure out a way that they can work together to help him get, see, touch, do the things he's wanting to experience, then the mother is being his adversary. She is being the protagonist in her own play, and casting him as the antagonist.
From an unschooling point of view, sometimes then people switch sides and make the child the protagonist (good guy/star of the show) and the mom, in her former beliefs and actions, the antagonist (villain/foil/bad guy). It's still not a partnership.
When someone comes to a discussion like this and responds to good unschooling ideas with "LOL" or "ridiculous," that, too, is a declaration of being on the opposite side (of sides she's just created) from the experienced unschoolers, and that is antagonistic.
Those who will read a little, try a little, wait a while and watch will "win." Those who want to complain, dispute, argue and scoff will lose the opportunity to have reflected on their own beliefs and reactions, and to learn more, for free, for fun, for their child's benefit.
When a mom is more interested in "being right" than in gathering little ideas that can help her be her child's partner, then she is clinging to an adversarial position.
http://sandradodd.com/partners/child
The person being antagonistic in the other discussion deleted her "LOL" responses (over a week ago) and left in a huff. Her child might have been better off if she hadn't The ideas will go with her, in a time-release way, perhaps, and she will understand later what people were saying. I hope so.
Sandra
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From another topic, a minor quote: "maybe antagonism is just to strong a word"
One of my starting points with parenting was "be his partner, not his adversary."
When the relationship between a mother and child is adversarial, or antagonistic, then one will win and one will lose. That's the way it works, with those words, with those stances.
When a mother is negative about her child's choices and expresses that in a strong way, and considers her ideas right and his just plain wrong, dangerous, lazy, stupid, and doesn't want to figure out a way that they can work together to help him get, see, touch, do the things he's wanting to experience, then the mother is being his adversary. She is being the protagonist in her own play, and casting him as the antagonist.
From an unschooling point of view, sometimes then people switch sides and make the child the protagonist (good guy/star of the show) and the mom, in her former beliefs and actions, the antagonist (villain/foil/bad guy). It's still not a partnership.
When someone comes to a discussion like this and responds to good unschooling ideas with "LOL" or "ridiculous," that, too, is a declaration of being on the opposite side (of sides she's just created) from the experienced unschoolers, and that is antagonistic.
Those who will read a little, try a little, wait a while and watch will "win." Those who want to complain, dispute, argue and scoff will lose the opportunity to have reflected on their own beliefs and reactions, and to learn more, for free, for fun, for their child's benefit.
When a mom is more interested in "being right" than in gathering little ideas that can help her be her child's partner, then she is clinging to an adversarial position.
http://sandradodd.com/partners/child
The person being antagonistic in the other discussion deleted her "LOL" responses (over a week ago) and left in a huff. Her child might have been better off if she hadn't The ideas will go with her, in a time-release way, perhaps, and she will understand later what people were saying. I hope so.
Sandra