Son Wants to Go to School
tanya garment
My son has asked to go back to school. He expects to hate it, but says
that it's worth it, because, he wants to be considered normal.
Here's some of our back story:
Joseph went to a 2.5 hour a day pre-k, tried out a kindergarten for
the first three weeks of the next school year (he was glad to quit
that place), went to another kindergarten for three months toward the
end of that school year (didn't want to leave, but I felt it was for
the best, then), went to a full year of 1st grade, homeschooled
(unschoolish) for 2nd and 3rd, unschooled for 4th. Now is the end of
(what his Dept. of Education paperwork calls) 4th grade.
My husband, Joseph's father, Paul, killed himself in January, 2012.
Paul had had bouts of depression since he was a kid, until his final
depressed period, which lasted from when Joseph was 5 until he died. A
few months before Paul died, Joseph tried out for Manhattan Free (as
in democratic) School. He said he wanted to go to school to make Paul
happy. I told him he could go to a Free School. In the week that he
was there, Joseph broke every rule that they had, and wasn't excepted.
I think he was testing them.
Durring the 2nd and 3rd grade homeschooling years, Joseph often ended
up around kids he didn't like and in classes that weren't fun. We had
to be out of the apartment, because of Paul, and I often made bad
choices as to where we should be.
Some about Joseph:
Joseph is very interested in popular culture, though he does have very
personal opinions on all things; since he was very little, he has been
skilled at figuring out what the latest craze is, and using it as a
conversation starter, or ice breaker. He's a story teller, of many
forms; writing, drawing, verbally telling and more. He studies the
production of television, movies and web shows, and also, to a lesser
extent, stage shows. We live in New York City, and I have been able to
offer him a lot of access to these fields.
This past year and a half, we've done some big things (Comic Con,
Maker Faire, Medieval Festival, Disney World, a cruise, Unschooler's
Waterpark Gathering) that he enjoyed and later talks about fondly, but
most days he chooses to stay at home. He has online friends that he
thoroughly enjoys. They live in other time zones, so he sleeps more in
the day than at night. They get together via KIK (online texting),
Club Penguin Private Servers, and YouTube groups (they make movies by
recording themselves on Club Penguin and adding music and special
effects and editing). He found them via You Tube, about a year ago.
Some homeschool, some don't. Non "virtually", he's decided (this year)
that he doesn't like playing with large groups of kids, so, has two
friends that he occasionally plays with, but he'll pass on seeing them
if they are part of a large group.
Everywhere Joseph looks, he finds stories of children's struggles at
school. I think he wants to experience this himself. He said to me,
yesterday "Mom, if I come home from school and say 'school's
terrible', don't tell me to quit". He has also echoed what he has
heard from his grandmother and Paul: "school will help me get on a
schedule".
A few weeks ago, I told him that I'll enroll him somewhere this fall,
but wonder if maybe I shouldn't have. It is too late to enroll in any
schools besides our zoned school. I have fears about it's safety, and
also extremely negative influences of both the kids and teachers. We
could move. Joseph says that he's a City Kid though, and wants to stay
here. If he continues, he'd have to switch schools for middle school,
which starts the following year. We'd then have a better chance
(though still slim) at getting him into a safer school, because we'd
have more choices. I could try to stall, by pointing that out to him.
I do wish him to have more time to settle in to our new life. I think
Joseph is still in mourning, as well as still kind of deschooling. I'm
prepared to unschool until he leaves home.
Any advice or thoughts?
Tanya
that it's worth it, because, he wants to be considered normal.
Here's some of our back story:
Joseph went to a 2.5 hour a day pre-k, tried out a kindergarten for
the first three weeks of the next school year (he was glad to quit
that place), went to another kindergarten for three months toward the
end of that school year (didn't want to leave, but I felt it was for
the best, then), went to a full year of 1st grade, homeschooled
(unschoolish) for 2nd and 3rd, unschooled for 4th. Now is the end of
(what his Dept. of Education paperwork calls) 4th grade.
My husband, Joseph's father, Paul, killed himself in January, 2012.
Paul had had bouts of depression since he was a kid, until his final
depressed period, which lasted from when Joseph was 5 until he died. A
few months before Paul died, Joseph tried out for Manhattan Free (as
in democratic) School. He said he wanted to go to school to make Paul
happy. I told him he could go to a Free School. In the week that he
was there, Joseph broke every rule that they had, and wasn't excepted.
I think he was testing them.
Durring the 2nd and 3rd grade homeschooling years, Joseph often ended
up around kids he didn't like and in classes that weren't fun. We had
to be out of the apartment, because of Paul, and I often made bad
choices as to where we should be.
Some about Joseph:
Joseph is very interested in popular culture, though he does have very
personal opinions on all things; since he was very little, he has been
skilled at figuring out what the latest craze is, and using it as a
conversation starter, or ice breaker. He's a story teller, of many
forms; writing, drawing, verbally telling and more. He studies the
production of television, movies and web shows, and also, to a lesser
extent, stage shows. We live in New York City, and I have been able to
offer him a lot of access to these fields.
This past year and a half, we've done some big things (Comic Con,
Maker Faire, Medieval Festival, Disney World, a cruise, Unschooler's
Waterpark Gathering) that he enjoyed and later talks about fondly, but
most days he chooses to stay at home. He has online friends that he
thoroughly enjoys. They live in other time zones, so he sleeps more in
the day than at night. They get together via KIK (online texting),
Club Penguin Private Servers, and YouTube groups (they make movies by
recording themselves on Club Penguin and adding music and special
effects and editing). He found them via You Tube, about a year ago.
Some homeschool, some don't. Non "virtually", he's decided (this year)
that he doesn't like playing with large groups of kids, so, has two
friends that he occasionally plays with, but he'll pass on seeing them
if they are part of a large group.
Everywhere Joseph looks, he finds stories of children's struggles at
school. I think he wants to experience this himself. He said to me,
yesterday "Mom, if I come home from school and say 'school's
terrible', don't tell me to quit". He has also echoed what he has
heard from his grandmother and Paul: "school will help me get on a
schedule".
A few weeks ago, I told him that I'll enroll him somewhere this fall,
but wonder if maybe I shouldn't have. It is too late to enroll in any
schools besides our zoned school. I have fears about it's safety, and
also extremely negative influences of both the kids and teachers. We
could move. Joseph says that he's a City Kid though, and wants to stay
here. If he continues, he'd have to switch schools for middle school,
which starts the following year. We'd then have a better chance
(though still slim) at getting him into a safer school, because we'd
have more choices. I could try to stall, by pointing that out to him.
I do wish him to have more time to settle in to our new life. I think
Joseph is still in mourning, as well as still kind of deschooling. I'm
prepared to unschool until he leaves home.
Any advice or thoughts?
Tanya
Sandra Dodd
-=-My son has asked to go back to school. He expects to hate it, but says
that it's worth it, because, he wants to be considered normal.-=-
Tanya, I saw the note saying to disregard that after it was already sent. If you want me to delete it, I can.
But I think people can give you some ideas even if it's not finished or it's not perfect.
Sandra
[Non-text portions of this message have been removed]
that it's worth it, because, he wants to be considered normal.-=-
Tanya, I saw the note saying to disregard that after it was already sent. If you want me to delete it, I can.
But I think people can give you some ideas even if it's not finished or it's not perfect.
Sandra
[Non-text portions of this message have been removed]
Sandra Dodd
Tanya wrote and said it was fine to leave it up, so responses are open, if any of you have ideas.
Sandra Dodd
I'm sorry about the death in the family. That always takes a long recovery, but school doesn't help. When kids are grieving, it's impossible to expect a large group of children to understand. And it seems schools often ask for stories, or art, about families and parents, or send something home "for your mom and dad to sign" and there will be reminders galore.
About the school question, though, what you wrote seems to be largely about you and your beliefs and preferences:
-=-I felt it was for the best,-=-
-=- He said he wanted to go to school .... I told him he could go to a Free School....-=-
-=-I told him that I'll enroll him ...-=-
-=-Everywhere Joseph looks, he finds stories of children's struggles at
school. I think he wants to experience this himself. He said to me,
yesterday "Mom, if I come home from school and say 'school's
terrible', don't tell me to quit". He has also echoed what he has
heard from his grandmother and Paul: "school will help me get on a
schedule".-=-
And he's interested in stories, and production, and he will probably learn things from school that you didn't, and that you can't imagine, because he sees things in a different way. That's not bad.
-=-A few weeks ago, I told him that I'll enroll him somewhere this fall,
but wonder if maybe I shouldn't have. It is too late to enroll in any
schools besides our zoned school. -=-
What about Clonlara? He could correspond with teachers, have a schedule, feel a little like he's in school, and yet be safe at home.
If you can afford to, what about offering him something other than school for a while�a trip out of state, or something that he wouldn't be able to do if he were in school.
-=-I think Joseph is still in mourning, as well as still kind of deschooling. I'm
prepared to unschool until he leaves home.-=-
If he thinks school is where the learning is, he's not "kind of deschooling." He's still a school kid.
But parents need to deschool much more and much longer than any child does, so if unschooling seems like a good idea to you, get on it a little more agressively for yourself, maybe. If he doesn't see the learning that's happening, it's possible that you're missing some of it too.
If you haven't read Pam Laricchia's intro, please do. http://livingjoyfully.ca
Her books or mine might help you be clearer on the kinds of things you could say and do that would make school seem less important and less desirable.
He says he's a city kid. There are other cities you could visit. There will be a small unschooling conference in October in Southern California (when they have the site, we'll know the date). There is the HSC conference in Sacramento in August that might be a fun vacation for you and Pam Laricchia is speaking this year.
Getting out and being around unschoolers who are his age or older could help you both.
Sandra
[Non-text portions of this message have been removed]
About the school question, though, what you wrote seems to be largely about you and your beliefs and preferences:
-=-I felt it was for the best,-=-
-=- He said he wanted to go to school .... I told him he could go to a Free School....-=-
-=-I told him that I'll enroll him ...-=-
-=-Everywhere Joseph looks, he finds stories of children's struggles at
school. I think he wants to experience this himself. He said to me,
yesterday "Mom, if I come home from school and say 'school's
terrible', don't tell me to quit". He has also echoed what he has
heard from his grandmother and Paul: "school will help me get on a
schedule".-=-
And he's interested in stories, and production, and he will probably learn things from school that you didn't, and that you can't imagine, because he sees things in a different way. That's not bad.
-=-A few weeks ago, I told him that I'll enroll him somewhere this fall,
but wonder if maybe I shouldn't have. It is too late to enroll in any
schools besides our zoned school. -=-
What about Clonlara? He could correspond with teachers, have a schedule, feel a little like he's in school, and yet be safe at home.
If you can afford to, what about offering him something other than school for a while�a trip out of state, or something that he wouldn't be able to do if he were in school.
-=-I think Joseph is still in mourning, as well as still kind of deschooling. I'm
prepared to unschool until he leaves home.-=-
If he thinks school is where the learning is, he's not "kind of deschooling." He's still a school kid.
But parents need to deschool much more and much longer than any child does, so if unschooling seems like a good idea to you, get on it a little more agressively for yourself, maybe. If he doesn't see the learning that's happening, it's possible that you're missing some of it too.
If you haven't read Pam Laricchia's intro, please do. http://livingjoyfully.ca
Her books or mine might help you be clearer on the kinds of things you could say and do that would make school seem less important and less desirable.
He says he's a city kid. There are other cities you could visit. There will be a small unschooling conference in October in Southern California (when they have the site, we'll know the date). There is the HSC conference in Sacramento in August that might be a fun vacation for you and Pam Laricchia is speaking this year.
Getting out and being around unschoolers who are his age or older could help you both.
Sandra
[Non-text portions of this message have been removed]
Meredith
tanya garment <tanyagarment@...> wrote:
That's not the same as forcing him to go to school until he's 18. You could make a deal that you'll help him out, but you want to revisit the plan at Christmas, for instance, and see if he feels like it's worthwhile to continue.
---Meredith
>Sometimes "feeling normal" can provide a kind of emotional protection. Being different can be stressful in and of itself - it can feel dis-empowering, unsafe. Even when people aren't overtly discriminating against you, you don't see validating reflections of yourself and your experience.
> My son has asked to go back to school. He expects to hate it, but says
> that it's worth it, because, he wants to be considered normal.
>> He said to me,It could help to see that as he's asking you to support something he wants to do. He knows it's going to be rough at times and he wants help getting Through the rough stuff. He doesn't want every complaint met with "you could quit" because that would undermine his goals, make him feel like you weren't supporting him.
> yesterday "Mom, if I come home from school and say 'school's
> terrible', don't tell me to quit".
That's not the same as forcing him to go to school until he's 18. You could make a deal that you'll help him out, but you want to revisit the plan at Christmas, for instance, and see if he feels like it's worthwhile to continue.
> This past year and a half, we've done some big things (Comic Con,Maybe you wore him out! If he's kind of a homebody and associates homeschooling with going out and doing things all the time, then the option of long dull days might seem soothing. Maybe plan a restful summer to help him recoup a little.
> Maker Faire, Medieval Festival, Disney World, a cruise, Unschooler's
> Waterpark Gathering) that he enjoyed and later talks about fondly, but
> most days he chooses to stay at home.
---Meredith