Boys hitting in group settings
Amy
We have a loose knit group of home educators and the majority are unschoolers. We dont really get into educaional or parenting philosophies a lot but mostly get together for activities, sports and free play.
The group intitially was mainly girls and mainly children who have never been to school. In the past year we have had several families join us who have removed their children from schools and the group is now about half boys and half girls.
We have had several incidents and they seem to be escalating of physical violence-hitting mostly but serious punches being thrown. The ages of the boys are 7 and 8. Sometimes the girls get hurt and sometimes it is the boys. So far my girls haven't been the victims and I don't have any boys so I have tried to stay out of it. The response of the people involved seems to be to talk about the situation at length with the offenders and request an apology for the victim.
My problem is that it keeps happening and in particular one child (who has never been to school) is often the offender. It is to the point where parents whose children have been the victims are starting to go home early or not join us. I find myself feeling increasingly uncomfortable with the persistence of the problem. I think the offenders should have more of a consequence and also be monitored more closely preferably by their parents. Basically I don't think physical violence is acceptable but don't know how to express that to other parents or prevent it happening.
Does anyone have any experience with situations like this? I could write a lot more but not sure what bits of the issue are most relevant. Please can I have input on how the violence could be handled and secondly how to broach it with the other parents.
The group intitially was mainly girls and mainly children who have never been to school. In the past year we have had several families join us who have removed their children from schools and the group is now about half boys and half girls.
We have had several incidents and they seem to be escalating of physical violence-hitting mostly but serious punches being thrown. The ages of the boys are 7 and 8. Sometimes the girls get hurt and sometimes it is the boys. So far my girls haven't been the victims and I don't have any boys so I have tried to stay out of it. The response of the people involved seems to be to talk about the situation at length with the offenders and request an apology for the victim.
My problem is that it keeps happening and in particular one child (who has never been to school) is often the offender. It is to the point where parents whose children have been the victims are starting to go home early or not join us. I find myself feeling increasingly uncomfortable with the persistence of the problem. I think the offenders should have more of a consequence and also be monitored more closely preferably by their parents. Basically I don't think physical violence is acceptable but don't know how to express that to other parents or prevent it happening.
Does anyone have any experience with situations like this? I could write a lot more but not sure what bits of the issue are most relevant. Please can I have input on how the violence could be handled and secondly how to broach it with the other parents.
Meredith
"Amy" <a.l.jonesz@...> wrote:
Both my kids have been "that child" at one time or another. Ray needed someone to play with him and let him be the center of attention - is anyone hanging out with this kid in particular? Not "supervising" but making sure he's having a good time? That would probably help enormously.
My daughter needed to stay away from kids who were more fragile than she was for a couple years - some of that I did for her, and stayed away from big groups where there were likely to be little kids and dainty kids. There were a few families I lost touch with because their kids were dainty - Mo couldn't play with them without hurting them. She needed sturdy, boisterous kids who could play hard. That's not much of a help if it's not your child who's hurting others, unless your kid is sturdy and would enjoy playing with this other child - then you could invite them for one-on-one playdates.
You could start a separate group with those other families.
You could start hanging out with the kids, maybe organize some specific activities to keep them occupied.
You could start an "anti bullying" campaign in the group - but for the most part, parents aren't receptive to implications their child is a bully - in my experience, they know it and don't know what to do to stop the behavior (other than the usual, which doesn't work), so they shut down if you try to talk about the subject, and/or blame everyone else for the problem.
You could work on developing a set of rules for the group with stated consequences for violation.
You could poll parents quietly on the side and see if there's enough group consensus to kick some people out of the group.
---Meredith
>> My problem is that it keeps happening and in particular one child (who has never been to school) is often the offender.************
Both my kids have been "that child" at one time or another. Ray needed someone to play with him and let him be the center of attention - is anyone hanging out with this kid in particular? Not "supervising" but making sure he's having a good time? That would probably help enormously.
My daughter needed to stay away from kids who were more fragile than she was for a couple years - some of that I did for her, and stayed away from big groups where there were likely to be little kids and dainty kids. There were a few families I lost touch with because their kids were dainty - Mo couldn't play with them without hurting them. She needed sturdy, boisterous kids who could play hard. That's not much of a help if it's not your child who's hurting others, unless your kid is sturdy and would enjoy playing with this other child - then you could invite them for one-on-one playdates.
>> It is to the point where parents whose children have been the victims are starting to go home early or not join us. I find myself feeling increasingly uncomfortable with the persistence of the problem.**************
You could start a separate group with those other families.
You could start hanging out with the kids, maybe organize some specific activities to keep them occupied.
You could start an "anti bullying" campaign in the group - but for the most part, parents aren't receptive to implications their child is a bully - in my experience, they know it and don't know what to do to stop the behavior (other than the usual, which doesn't work), so they shut down if you try to talk about the subject, and/or blame everyone else for the problem.
You could work on developing a set of rules for the group with stated consequences for violation.
You could poll parents quietly on the side and see if there's enough group consensus to kick some people out of the group.
---Meredith
Jenny Cyphers
***Does anyone have any experience with situations like this? I could write a lot more but not sure what bits of the issue are most relevant. Please can I have input on how the violence could be handled and secondly how to broach it with the other parents.***
Does this group have a correlating yahoo group or facebook group? If so, I'd be inclined to address the issue head on with everyone. It's an issue that affects everyone, including the perpetrator. That kid doesn't want to lose friends and be the cause of a rift in a play group and I doubt his parents want that either.
[Non-text portions of this message have been removed]
Does this group have a correlating yahoo group or facebook group? If so, I'd be inclined to address the issue head on with everyone. It's an issue that affects everyone, including the perpetrator. That kid doesn't want to lose friends and be the cause of a rift in a play group and I doubt his parents want that either.
[Non-text portions of this message have been removed]
Sandra Dodd
-=-Does this group have a correlating yahoo group or facebook group? If so, I'd be inclined to address the issue head on with everyone.-=-
Too much drama.
I would stay closer to the kids, even if the other moms don't. And as soon as that boy seemed rough, I would speak his name and look straight at him, and if he seemed receptive I would say "Be nicer, please" or "be gentle."
If he wasn't receptive, I would go to the mom and say "Please go and watch and make sure other kids are safe over there."
Deal with people as people, when possible, not with groups as committees with policies and rules.
[Non-text portions of this message have been removed]
Too much drama.
I would stay closer to the kids, even if the other moms don't. And as soon as that boy seemed rough, I would speak his name and look straight at him, and if he seemed receptive I would say "Be nicer, please" or "be gentle."
If he wasn't receptive, I would go to the mom and say "Please go and watch and make sure other kids are safe over there."
Deal with people as people, when possible, not with groups as committees with policies and rules.
[Non-text portions of this message have been removed]
lotsagr8kidz@...
~Deal with people as people, when possible, not with groups as committees with policies and rules. ~
I think this is important in modeling niceness to our kids. Recently, at a Girl Scout sleepover, there were some teenagers hanging out in the far end of the parking lot where the activity was held. The other parents were all upset about this and started brainstorming to call the police or the owners of the building to address the teens and tell them to leave.
I simply went outside, talked to the teens ( who were very nice and assured me they were just taking a walk and stopped to talk), and just asked that they not use profanity ( which they weren't ) or address the girls if they came outside because it made them nervous. They agreed, no problem at all.
I returned to the other parents who had decided they would have the police remove the them and told them to not worry about it. I had talked to the teens, and they were happy to comply. I also reminded them that their sweet little girls would also some day be teenagers, and they would want others to treat them as people too, not speak to them through police or other means.
Sadie Bugni
Sent from my iPhone
I think this is important in modeling niceness to our kids. Recently, at a Girl Scout sleepover, there were some teenagers hanging out in the far end of the parking lot where the activity was held. The other parents were all upset about this and started brainstorming to call the police or the owners of the building to address the teens and tell them to leave.
I simply went outside, talked to the teens ( who were very nice and assured me they were just taking a walk and stopped to talk), and just asked that they not use profanity ( which they weren't ) or address the girls if they came outside because it made them nervous. They agreed, no problem at all.
I returned to the other parents who had decided they would have the police remove the them and told them to not worry about it. I had talked to the teens, and they were happy to comply. I also reminded them that their sweet little girls would also some day be teenagers, and they would want others to treat them as people too, not speak to them through police or other means.
Sadie Bugni
Sent from my iPhone