Deeply sensitive/feeling child and parent
Trisha Farr
One of the things I've read and am now seeing is how Unschooling really
does heal so many parts of the parent. I'm seeing things in my daughter
that she gets from me that I now see as beautiful, whereas I grew up
thinking of them as liabilities/problems in myself. Grace (6) is super
sensitive. She cries whenever she finds a dead ladybug (a full-on sob, not
just sad- it truly breaks her heart.) She still cries over missing our car
that we had to get rid of a year ago. I'm starting to see how beautiful her
sweet, tender spirit is and how similarly I have felt/still feel. In
cherishing her tenderness, I'm realizing that I feel the same way she does-
I've just spent so many years silencing how I feel and telling myself I'm
silly and not to feel that way, that I've kind of become numb.
My question is, how do you support kids who are super sensitive? That
deeply feeling nature is so beautiful in Grace, but I know how hard it is
to be that way. I never really learned how to deal with my strong feelings-
mainly with things that made me sad or unhappy. I would tell myself, "It's
silly to cry over a ladybug, get over it," or distract myself. How do you
help a kid learn to live with and the way they feel so deeply, so that they
appreciate it and don't stuff the feelings/turn them off, but so they
aren't exhausted/unhappy because so many things that other people consider
little upset them?
Thanks,
Trisha
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does heal so many parts of the parent. I'm seeing things in my daughter
that she gets from me that I now see as beautiful, whereas I grew up
thinking of them as liabilities/problems in myself. Grace (6) is super
sensitive. She cries whenever she finds a dead ladybug (a full-on sob, not
just sad- it truly breaks her heart.) She still cries over missing our car
that we had to get rid of a year ago. I'm starting to see how beautiful her
sweet, tender spirit is and how similarly I have felt/still feel. In
cherishing her tenderness, I'm realizing that I feel the same way she does-
I've just spent so many years silencing how I feel and telling myself I'm
silly and not to feel that way, that I've kind of become numb.
My question is, how do you support kids who are super sensitive? That
deeply feeling nature is so beautiful in Grace, but I know how hard it is
to be that way. I never really learned how to deal with my strong feelings-
mainly with things that made me sad or unhappy. I would tell myself, "It's
silly to cry over a ladybug, get over it," or distract myself. How do you
help a kid learn to live with and the way they feel so deeply, so that they
appreciate it and don't stuff the feelings/turn them off, but so they
aren't exhausted/unhappy because so many things that other people consider
little upset them?
Thanks,
Trisha
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BRIAN POLIKOWSKY
Idon't think you should encourage her or make her feel ashamed for her feelings.
I think you should just be there for her and then help her move on.
Neither telling her it is beautiful nor making her feel bad or dismissing her.
Encouraging and telling her it is beautiful is not going to help her the same way shaming her or dismissing her feelings will make her feel better at all.
Acceptingand helping her move on , when she is ready, will give her tools for the future.
Be there for her, hug her and move on with her.
Alex Polikowsky
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I think you should just be there for her and then help her move on.
Neither telling her it is beautiful nor making her feel bad or dismissing her.
Encouraging and telling her it is beautiful is not going to help her the same way shaming her or dismissing her feelings will make her feel better at all.
Acceptingand helping her move on , when she is ready, will give her tools for the future.
Be there for her, hug her and move on with her.
Alex Polikowsky
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Joyce Fetteroll
On May 13, 2013, at 7:23 AM, Trisha Farr wrote:
And Raising Your Spirited Child Rev Ed: A Guide for Parents Whose Child Is More Intense, Sensitive, Perceptive, Persistent, and Energetic by Mary Sheedy Kurcinka
http://amzn.to/IKBN4R
Joyce
[Non-text portions of this message have been removed]
> My question is, how do you support kids who are super sensitive?I'm sure others will come along with practical and immediate suggestions, but a book that might be very helpful is:
And Raising Your Spirited Child Rev Ed: A Guide for Parents Whose Child Is More Intense, Sensitive, Perceptive, Persistent, and Energetic by Mary Sheedy Kurcinka
http://amzn.to/IKBN4R
Joyce
[Non-text portions of this message have been removed]
Sandra Dodd
-=-She cries whenever she finds a dead ladybug (a full-on sob, not
just sad- it truly breaks her heart.) She still cries over missing our car
that we had to get rid of a year ago. -=-
I think neither shame her for it, nor encourage her. It won't be healing for either of you for you to go into a big fantasy about that ladybug's relatives or potentially long life.
Maybe it would help to show her cars from earlier in your own life. Photos of older cars can be really beautiful. People who photograph cars are often really careful to make the backgrounds have something to do with the color or era or intended use of the vehicle being photographed.
For ladybugs and other such situations, maybe collecting some photos and information about that species would help. How long could one live, if no predator ever got it, and it didn't run into the windshield of someone's favorite old car? (Maybe don't mention that last one if she's not in a fun mood.) Who eats them? What diseases do they get? What do the eggs look like when they're laid?
If she's not interested, don't press it�but it could be a way to focus and then relax and release.
Sandra
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just sad- it truly breaks her heart.) She still cries over missing our car
that we had to get rid of a year ago. -=-
I think neither shame her for it, nor encourage her. It won't be healing for either of you for you to go into a big fantasy about that ladybug's relatives or potentially long life.
Maybe it would help to show her cars from earlier in your own life. Photos of older cars can be really beautiful. People who photograph cars are often really careful to make the backgrounds have something to do with the color or era or intended use of the vehicle being photographed.
For ladybugs and other such situations, maybe collecting some photos and information about that species would help. How long could one live, if no predator ever got it, and it didn't run into the windshield of someone's favorite old car? (Maybe don't mention that last one if she's not in a fun mood.) Who eats them? What diseases do they get? What do the eggs look like when they're laid?
If she's not interested, don't press it�but it could be a way to focus and then relax and release.
Sandra
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CASS KOTRBA
-=-She cries whenever she finds a dead ladybug (a full-on sob, not
just sad- it truly breaks her heart.) She still cries over missing our car
that we had to get rid of a year ago. -=-
I tell my kids that if nothing ever died there would be no room for new babies to be born. That helps us focus on the cycle of life and balance the sorrow over death with the joy of new life. It's a good way to refocus our attention on happier things without denying our feelings. You could talk about the stages of life, the food chain, etc. I still miss my old SUV, too, but I really appreciate the conveniences of my new truck and thinking about that helps me balance my emotions on the subject.
-Cass
[Non-text portions of this message have been removed]
just sad- it truly breaks her heart.) She still cries over missing our car
that we had to get rid of a year ago. -=-
I tell my kids that if nothing ever died there would be no room for new babies to be born. That helps us focus on the cycle of life and balance the sorrow over death with the joy of new life. It's a good way to refocus our attention on happier things without denying our feelings. You could talk about the stages of life, the food chain, etc. I still miss my old SUV, too, but I really appreciate the conveniences of my new truck and thinking about that helps me balance my emotions on the subject.
-Cass
[Non-text portions of this message have been removed]
CASS KOTRBA
-=-She cries whenever she finds a dead ladybug (a full-on sob, not
just sad- it truly breaks her heart.)-=-
It is also a good idea to talk about life, death & things of a spiritual nature in an abstract way during happy, relaxed times. Then when something dies it is easier to talk about the fact that it's in a better place or whatever your beliefs are. We have started a little farm over the last year & a half and we have been exposed to a lot more death than any of us are used to. I had several little ducklings die last spring and I felt so bad I just couldn't stop crying. My kids comforted me, hugging me and reminding me that they were all together on the other side having a great time & stuff like that. They really made me feel better and helped me get through it. They were very pleased with themselves and their ability to comfort me.
-Cass
[Non-text portions of this message have been removed]
just sad- it truly breaks her heart.)-=-
It is also a good idea to talk about life, death & things of a spiritual nature in an abstract way during happy, relaxed times. Then when something dies it is easier to talk about the fact that it's in a better place or whatever your beliefs are. We have started a little farm over the last year & a half and we have been exposed to a lot more death than any of us are used to. I had several little ducklings die last spring and I felt so bad I just couldn't stop crying. My kids comforted me, hugging me and reminding me that they were all together on the other side having a great time & stuff like that. They really made me feel better and helped me get through it. They were very pleased with themselves and their ability to comfort me.
-Cass
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Alex Polikowsky
I like the idea of talking a lite but about the circle of life ( gosh I got the Lion King's son in my head now) bu telling a child a death is necessary to create a new life is not accurate and can make a
Sensible child really afraid.
Sure a male Praying Mantiss has his head bitten and chewed off in order to make babies but no one has to die for a baby human to be born.
Animals that are herbivores do not need to kill to feed their babies either.
Now the animals that are carnivores and omnivores do need to eat other animals to be able to feed their own and themselves :)
I guess having no room for more babies And someone needs to die to make room statement could make a sensible child even more sad or scared.
Alex Polikowsky
Sent from my iPhone
Sensible child really afraid.
Sure a male Praying Mantiss has his head bitten and chewed off in order to make babies but no one has to die for a baby human to be born.
Animals that are herbivores do not need to kill to feed their babies either.
Now the animals that are carnivores and omnivores do need to eat other animals to be able to feed their own and themselves :)
I guess having no room for more babies And someone needs to die to make room statement could make a sensible child even more sad or scared.
Alex Polikowsky
Sent from my iPhone
On May 13, 2013, at 12:27 PM, "CASS KOTRBA" <caskot@...> wrote:
> -=-She cries whenever she finds a dead ladybug (a full-on sob, not
> just sad- it truly breaks her heart.) She still cries over missing our car
> that we had to get rid of a year ago. -=-
>
> I tell my kids that if nothing ever died there would be no room for new babies to be born. That helps us focus on the cycle of life and balance the sorrow over death with the joy of new life. It's a good way to refocus our attention on happier things without denying our feelings. You could talk about the stages of life, the food chain, etc. I still miss my old SUV, too, but I really appreciate the conveniences of my new truck and thinking about that helps me balance my emotions on the subject.
>
> -Cass
>
> [Non-text portions of this message have been removed]
>
>
[Non-text portions of this message have been removed]
Alex Polikowsky
Argh not. A lite but but a little bit!
And I did reread and missed that.
Sorry
AP
Sent from my iPhone
And I did reread and missed that.
Sorry
AP
Sent from my iPhone
On May 13, 2013, at 1:13 PM, Alex Polikowsky <polykowholsteins@...> wrote:
> I like the idea of talking a lite but about the circle of life ( gosh I got the Lion King's son in my head now) bu telling a child a death is necessary to create a new life is not accurate and can make a
> Sensible child really afraid.
> Sure a male Praying Mantiss has his head bitten and chewed off in order to make babies but no one has to die for a baby human to be born.
>
> Animals that are herbivores do not need to kill to feed their babies either.
>
> Now the animals that are carnivores and omnivores do need to eat other animals to be able to feed their own and themselves :)
>
> I guess having no room for more babies And someone needs to die to make room statement could make a sensible child even more sad or scared.
>
> Alex Polikowsky
>
> Sent from my iPhone
>
> On May 13, 2013, at 12:27 PM, "CASS KOTRBA" <caskot@...> wrote:
>
> > -=-She cries whenever she finds a dead ladybug (a full-on sob, not
> > just sad- it truly breaks her heart.) She still cries over missing our car
> > that we had to get rid of a year ago. -=-
> >
> > I tell my kids that if nothing ever died there would be no room for new babies to be born. That helps us focus on the cycle of life and balance the sorrow over death with the joy of new life. It's a good way to refocus our attention on happier things without denying our feelings. You could talk about the stages of life, the food chain, etc. I still miss my old SUV, too, but I really appreciate the conveniences of my new truck and thinking about that helps me balance my emotions on the subject.
> >
> > -Cass
> >
> > [Non-text portions of this message have been removed]
> >
> >
>
> [Non-text portions of this message have been removed]
>
>
[Non-text portions of this message have been removed]
CASS KOTRBA
-=- I guess having no room for more babies And someone needs to die to make room statement could make a sensible child even more sad or scared. -=-
The conversation was not scary but more of a philosophical, larger scale, cycle of life type of conversation. "Can you imagine how full the world would be if nothing ever died?" kind of discussion. I was not suggesting that for every birth there has to be a death but discussing the fact that on a large scale nature has a system. If no living things ever died there would not be enough physical space or resources for the next generation.
-Cass
[Non-text portions of this message have been removed]
The conversation was not scary but more of a philosophical, larger scale, cycle of life type of conversation. "Can you imagine how full the world would be if nothing ever died?" kind of discussion. I was not suggesting that for every birth there has to be a death but discussing the fact that on a large scale nature has a system. If no living things ever died there would not be enough physical space or resources for the next generation.
-Cass
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Meredith
Trisha Farr <simplycrunchy@...> wrote:
I'm thinking your own sensitivity is getting tangled up in you daughter's to an extent - you want to help, and that's natural, but it's not really clear how you can help without either getting sucked in to the intensity of feeling on the one hand and shutting down on the other. So it might help to think about what your goals are in terms of helping her when she's upset - what do you think might be helpful? Try and see what happens.
If there are ideas that comfort you, you can share those, but they may not comfort your daughter. They could even offend her! She might not Want to be comforted in the moment, she might prefer to purge herself of big feelings so she can move on, or she might prefer to be distracted. My daughter likes a little comfort and a lot of distraction when she's upset.
Let her know - maybe not in the moment, but other times - that you have intense feelings too. Talk a little about how you've handled them - good and bad, not in a teachy way, but the way you'd share experiences with a friend. If she has friends who think she's odd and over-reactive, you could talk about how you've shut down sometimes in order to be around other people, what's good and bad about that. Sometimes it's good to shut down feelings so you can act, sometimes it makes things worse. Sometimes it's hard to tell!
Since you and she are both sensitive, this will probably be something you talk about again and again - so there's no need to overload her with lots of information all at once. You don't need a perfect answer - and there probably isn't one anyway. Like most things, some ideas will work better in some situations.
---Meredith
>I would tell myself, "It'sDistracting yourself isn't necessarily bad - it's one way to cope when emotions seem big and overwhelming. It's not even necessarily bad to talk yourself down a little if you think you're overreacting. I'm not saying you should put yourself down to the point you're numb, but there's something in between overwhelm and numbness.
> silly to cry over a ladybug, get over it," or distract myself.
I'm thinking your own sensitivity is getting tangled up in you daughter's to an extent - you want to help, and that's natural, but it's not really clear how you can help without either getting sucked in to the intensity of feeling on the one hand and shutting down on the other. So it might help to think about what your goals are in terms of helping her when she's upset - what do you think might be helpful? Try and see what happens.
If there are ideas that comfort you, you can share those, but they may not comfort your daughter. They could even offend her! She might not Want to be comforted in the moment, she might prefer to purge herself of big feelings so she can move on, or she might prefer to be distracted. My daughter likes a little comfort and a lot of distraction when she's upset.
Let her know - maybe not in the moment, but other times - that you have intense feelings too. Talk a little about how you've handled them - good and bad, not in a teachy way, but the way you'd share experiences with a friend. If she has friends who think she's odd and over-reactive, you could talk about how you've shut down sometimes in order to be around other people, what's good and bad about that. Sometimes it's good to shut down feelings so you can act, sometimes it makes things worse. Sometimes it's hard to tell!
Since you and she are both sensitive, this will probably be something you talk about again and again - so there's no need to overload her with lots of information all at once. You don't need a perfect answer - and there probably isn't one anyway. Like most things, some ideas will work better in some situations.
---Meredith
trish52101
Thank you very much for all the replies. I feel like this group really gives me clarity and perspective.
"Distracting yourself isn't necessarily bad - it's one way to cope when emotions seem big and overwhelming. It's not even necessarily bad to talk yourself down a little if you think you're overreacting. I'm not saying you should put yourself down to the point you're numb, but there's something in between overwhelm and numbness.
I'm thinking your own sensitivity is getting tangled up in you daughter's to an extent - you want to help, and that's natural, but it's not really clear how you can help without either getting sucked in to the intensity of feeling on the one hand and shutting down on the other. So it might help to think about what your goals are in terms of helping her when she's upset - what do you think might be helpful? Try and see what happens."
Meredith- what you wrote helped me to see that I don't have to figure out a one-size fits all approach, and that there is a lot of room for gray- it's not a black and white, this is right or wrong type thing. Your questions about my goals helped me to realize that I simply want her to feel that her emotions/reactions are accepted- that however she feels is okay. From that, I can move on to figuring out how to best help her when she has strong feelings out in public/around others.
Thanks again for all the replies,
Trisha
"Distracting yourself isn't necessarily bad - it's one way to cope when emotions seem big and overwhelming. It's not even necessarily bad to talk yourself down a little if you think you're overreacting. I'm not saying you should put yourself down to the point you're numb, but there's something in between overwhelm and numbness.
I'm thinking your own sensitivity is getting tangled up in you daughter's to an extent - you want to help, and that's natural, but it's not really clear how you can help without either getting sucked in to the intensity of feeling on the one hand and shutting down on the other. So it might help to think about what your goals are in terms of helping her when she's upset - what do you think might be helpful? Try and see what happens."
Meredith- what you wrote helped me to see that I don't have to figure out a one-size fits all approach, and that there is a lot of room for gray- it's not a black and white, this is right or wrong type thing. Your questions about my goals helped me to realize that I simply want her to feel that her emotions/reactions are accepted- that however she feels is okay. From that, I can move on to figuring out how to best help her when she has strong feelings out in public/around others.
Thanks again for all the replies,
Trisha
barbaramatessa
I was reading Sandra's website last night and came across this post by Deb Lewis, who talks about her son's sensitivity to a death of a ladybug!
http://sandradodd.com/deblewis/sympathetic
It's a beautiful piece.
With my sensitive son, I found that physical touch does wonders. Just holding him, stroking his hair. For little and big things, when he's upset, a hug is the best way to comfort him. I used to resist this, thinking that a hug would encourage/indulge his feelings of upset about "little things", but the opposite is true. He's able to move on much more quickly when I just hug him without saying a word.
This may work for him because physical touch is his "love language" (based on the idea that people have a preference for how they give and receive love, described in the book Love Languages by Gary Chapman.)
It also may be that physical touch calms the brain when it's in the flood of emotion--that's one of the big ideas I got from reading Whole Brain Child by Daniel Siegal. Dr. Siegal also writes about encouraging children to talk about traumatic situations, after the fact, as many times as they need to.
Barbara
She cries whenever she finds a dead ladybug (a full-on sob, not
http://sandradodd.com/deblewis/sympathetic
It's a beautiful piece.
With my sensitive son, I found that physical touch does wonders. Just holding him, stroking his hair. For little and big things, when he's upset, a hug is the best way to comfort him. I used to resist this, thinking that a hug would encourage/indulge his feelings of upset about "little things", but the opposite is true. He's able to move on much more quickly when I just hug him without saying a word.
This may work for him because physical touch is his "love language" (based on the idea that people have a preference for how they give and receive love, described in the book Love Languages by Gary Chapman.)
It also may be that physical touch calms the brain when it's in the flood of emotion--that's one of the big ideas I got from reading Whole Brain Child by Daniel Siegal. Dr. Siegal also writes about encouraging children to talk about traumatic situations, after the fact, as many times as they need to.
Barbara
She cries whenever she finds a dead ladybug (a full-on sob, not
> just sad- it truly breaks her heart.)
zurro
I would like to piggyback on this topic, but shift be about virtual animals. Caitlyn is highly sensitive to things as well, but is usually able to deal with living things that die, however losing her own virtual animals (or other people's) in games like Minecraft can be very upsetting for her.
One example - recently she was watching one of her favorite Minecraft YouTube video people named Cupquake. Cupquake was playing with her Minecraft guinea pig Tootsie in the game, but in the video she does a Minecraft update and unfortunately the update causes Tootsie to be deleted. Caitlyn was very upset and cried all night because Tootsie was gone. Even upon waking the next day, she was still very upset.
I don't know if anyone has gone through this already and has any thoughts on ways I could help her through. We've done hugs and we've talked about how we can make new animals in her games. I sit down and help her to redo her own animals which makes it a bit easier and sometimes she's able to move through it, but other times it's not so easy. But, when its other people's animals, I obviously can't replace them.
Thanks
Laura Zurro (Caitlyn 6.5)
One example - recently she was watching one of her favorite Minecraft YouTube video people named Cupquake. Cupquake was playing with her Minecraft guinea pig Tootsie in the game, but in the video she does a Minecraft update and unfortunately the update causes Tootsie to be deleted. Caitlyn was very upset and cried all night because Tootsie was gone. Even upon waking the next day, she was still very upset.
I don't know if anyone has gone through this already and has any thoughts on ways I could help her through. We've done hugs and we've talked about how we can make new animals in her games. I sit down and help her to redo her own animals which makes it a bit easier and sometimes she's able to move through it, but other times it's not so easy. But, when its other people's animals, I obviously can't replace them.
Thanks
Laura Zurro (Caitlyn 6.5)
>
>
> She cries whenever she finds a dead ladybug (a full-on sob, not
> > just sad- it truly breaks her heart.)
>
Rach
Hi,
My daughter is like this too with animals real, on screen and with her soft toys. Her friends know and understand that when they play with her soft toys, they can't play rough with them because she gets so upset.
It took a while, and for quite a while, I tried to change her behaviour and make her understand that not everyone felt the same as her. Now at least at home, she knows that her wishes will be respected. Most of her friends who know her well respect that but sometimes she still gets upset.
At the moment her friend is here and they are both playing Grand Theft Auto. She has absolutely no problem with gory stuff with humans. This was after a discussion in which he said he had another game but it had animals that could get hurt she dismissed that one and her friend was happy to play GTA.
When I first introduced her to minecraft. she did not want to play on survival at all because of needing to kill spiders. Now she plays and even kills animals for meat, but she also has pet animals and will get really upset if she accidentally hurts or kills them.
I've had to turn off Peter Pan, Shrek and one of the Tinkerbell movies to name a few after we watched what I thought were fairly innocuous scenes, but had her in tears.
She's 6 and I think she is becoming slightly less sensitive, but not much. I think it helps her to know that we are there for her, explaining how she feels and also in trying to avoid situations where she could get upset.
Rachel
My daughter is like this too with animals real, on screen and with her soft toys. Her friends know and understand that when they play with her soft toys, they can't play rough with them because she gets so upset.
It took a while, and for quite a while, I tried to change her behaviour and make her understand that not everyone felt the same as her. Now at least at home, she knows that her wishes will be respected. Most of her friends who know her well respect that but sometimes she still gets upset.
At the moment her friend is here and they are both playing Grand Theft Auto. She has absolutely no problem with gory stuff with humans. This was after a discussion in which he said he had another game but it had animals that could get hurt she dismissed that one and her friend was happy to play GTA.
When I first introduced her to minecraft. she did not want to play on survival at all because of needing to kill spiders. Now she plays and even kills animals for meat, but she also has pet animals and will get really upset if she accidentally hurts or kills them.
I've had to turn off Peter Pan, Shrek and one of the Tinkerbell movies to name a few after we watched what I thought were fairly innocuous scenes, but had her in tears.
She's 6 and I think she is becoming slightly less sensitive, but not much. I think it helps her to know that we are there for her, explaining how she feels and also in trying to avoid situations where she could get upset.
Rachel
Ann-Marie
I am someone who is deeply sensitive to things I read in books, watch in movies/television. I am also very empathetic towards others. My first memory of crying and being very sad in this way was watching E.T. as a six year old. It hasn't changed as an adult but I have learned how to deal with it.
The worst thing that happened for me was that my family didn't know how to handle it and would either laugh at me or tell me that it wasn't real and expect me to get over it. For me, while movies and books etc might be made up stories they reflect real situations and I become immersed in the story and characters. I feel the situation as if it was real even when intellectually I know it's not. As an adult I have learned to choose when I want to have this experience. I have stopped reading and watching the news too often, don't watch violent films and only watch sad films when I know I'm up for it. I also wouldn't watch a sad film around people who weren't going to be okay with my crying.
Lots of people have give advice here about not dramatising the situation further. That makes a lot of sense to me. I think what would have helped me as a child was for someone to recognise that I was upset and let me know (through words and actions) that it was okay (rather than shaming me) and let me have a cry but not make a big deal out of it. When this situation arises for me now I usually need some quiet time to reflect, feel sad for a while, maybe talk about it a little then recover. Sometimes it doesn't take long but sometimes it can affect me for a while.
Maybe a quiet hug while she has a cry would be enough. You could give her the space to express any feelings and thoughts that she was having but simply listen so that you weren't overdramatising anything or adding to her distress. You would be recognising she was sad and letting her know you were there to comfort her. Hugs and listening, while simple, can have profound effects.
Ann-Marie
The worst thing that happened for me was that my family didn't know how to handle it and would either laugh at me or tell me that it wasn't real and expect me to get over it. For me, while movies and books etc might be made up stories they reflect real situations and I become immersed in the story and characters. I feel the situation as if it was real even when intellectually I know it's not. As an adult I have learned to choose when I want to have this experience. I have stopped reading and watching the news too often, don't watch violent films and only watch sad films when I know I'm up for it. I also wouldn't watch a sad film around people who weren't going to be okay with my crying.
Lots of people have give advice here about not dramatising the situation further. That makes a lot of sense to me. I think what would have helped me as a child was for someone to recognise that I was upset and let me know (through words and actions) that it was okay (rather than shaming me) and let me have a cry but not make a big deal out of it. When this situation arises for me now I usually need some quiet time to reflect, feel sad for a while, maybe talk about it a little then recover. Sometimes it doesn't take long but sometimes it can affect me for a while.
Maybe a quiet hug while she has a cry would be enough. You could give her the space to express any feelings and thoughts that she was having but simply listen so that you weren't overdramatising anything or adding to her distress. You would be recognising she was sad and letting her know you were there to comfort her. Hugs and listening, while simple, can have profound effects.
Ann-Marie
--- In [email protected], Rach <rachk2000@...> wrote:
>
> Hi,
>
> My daughter is like this too with animals real, on screen and with her soft toys. Her friends know and understand that when they play with her soft toys, they can't play rough with them because she gets so upset.
>
> It took a while, and for quite a while, I tried to change her behaviour and make her understand that not everyone felt the same as her. Now at least at home, she knows that her wishes will be respected. Most of her friends who know her well respect that but sometimes she still gets upset.
>
> At the moment her friend is here and they are both playing Grand Theft Auto. She has absolutely no problem with gory stuff with humans. This was after a discussion in which he said he had another game but it had animals that could get hurt she dismissed that one and her friend was happy to play GTA.
>
> When I first introduced her to minecraft. she did not want to play on survival at all because of needing to kill spiders. Now she plays and even kills animals for meat, but she also has pet animals and will get really upset if she accidentally hurts or kills them.
>
> I've had to turn off Peter Pan, Shrek and one of the Tinkerbell movies to name a few after we watched what I thought were fairly innocuous scenes, but had her in tears.
>
> She's 6 and I think she is becoming slightly less sensitive, but not much. I think it helps her to know that we are there for her, explaining how she feels and also in trying to avoid situations where she could get upset.
>
>
>
> Rachel
>
Rach
-=- The worst thing that happened for me was that my family didn't know how to handle it and would either laugh at me or tell me that it wasn't real and expect me to get over it. -=-
I've just realized that I cry at a lot while watching films and books too just not at the same things as my daughter and it is a joke here.
We've never made my daughter feel ashamed about her crying but my husband frequently rolls his eyes at me when I start to cry whilst watching films. Maybe in light of my daughters reactions, I can ask him to hold back on doing that to me and yes, I do feel embarrassed about it and tend to try and hide it.
Rachel
I've just realized that I cry at a lot while watching films and books too just not at the same things as my daughter and it is a joke here.
We've never made my daughter feel ashamed about her crying but my husband frequently rolls his eyes at me when I start to cry whilst watching films. Maybe in light of my daughters reactions, I can ask him to hold back on doing that to me and yes, I do feel embarrassed about it and tend to try and hide it.
Rachel
Patricia Platt
Re: >>>>Caitlyn is highly sensitive to things as well, but is usually able
to deal with living things that die, however losing her own virtual animals
(or other people's) in games like Minecraft can be very upsetting for
her.<<<<<
My son was the same way when he was younger (8 - 9 years old).
Something that helped him a lot was having a funeral for the animal and
then making a tombstone or other more elaborate monument -- all in
Minecraft. The funeral, the building of the monument, and the writing of
the epitaph helped him let go of his grief. Over time, he and his Minecraft
buddies would create an entire graveyard on a given map. Working through
the loss with friends and with me (i,e., having "compassionate witnesses")
was also key. I'm pretty sure it would NOT have helped him if I had made
light of his Minecraft losses by saying "it's just a game," or "can't you
spawn another one?," or something like that.
Over the years, my son, now 11, has continued to make graves for pets/farm
animals in Minecraft, but the process has evolved and become far less of a
big deal. Often signs on graves are downright funny now; e.g., for a pig:
"Here lies Porky: "...And that's all folks!" But, come to think of it,
that's only with pigs. Tamed wolves are still treated with reverence. He's
still more sensitive than most, but he is much better at processing
emotional shocks than he used to be.
[Non-text portions of this message have been removed]
to deal with living things that die, however losing her own virtual animals
(or other people's) in games like Minecraft can be very upsetting for
her.<<<<<
My son was the same way when he was younger (8 - 9 years old).
Something that helped him a lot was having a funeral for the animal and
then making a tombstone or other more elaborate monument -- all in
Minecraft. The funeral, the building of the monument, and the writing of
the epitaph helped him let go of his grief. Over time, he and his Minecraft
buddies would create an entire graveyard on a given map. Working through
the loss with friends and with me (i,e., having "compassionate witnesses")
was also key. I'm pretty sure it would NOT have helped him if I had made
light of his Minecraft losses by saying "it's just a game," or "can't you
spawn another one?," or something like that.
Over the years, my son, now 11, has continued to make graves for pets/farm
animals in Minecraft, but the process has evolved and become far less of a
big deal. Often signs on graves are downright funny now; e.g., for a pig:
"Here lies Porky: "...And that's all folks!" But, come to think of it,
that's only with pigs. Tamed wolves are still treated with reverence. He's
still more sensitive than most, but he is much better at processing
emotional shocks than he used to be.
[Non-text portions of this message have been removed]