partner problems
K
Hi all, I've posted here a couple of times, but it's been a long time. I am back seeking some advice regarding my relationship with my partner.
Some background info- we have 3 children, 7, 4 and 1 yr old. New unschoolers. My partner is a builder. Recently, he aggravated an old back injury which now causes him chronic pain. He has stopped work completely :because of it, and had surgery which was unsuccessful. The pain has caused him to become depressed. We are doing all we can within our budget to manage the pain but its not helping much. Unfortunately, the kind of treatment plan we'd need to undertake (chiro, physio etc) to improve things are outside our budget.. I would like for him to return to work so we can afford these treatments, doing a non-laborious job, but he doesn't want to. Instead, he has come up with an idea that he believes will make us money. He purchased two shipping containers, that he plans on renovating into portable eco accommodation, large machinery/tools and materials to do it. This is an idea he is 100% committed to. I don't really know how this is going to happen as he can't do the physical work (I think hes refusing to accept his limitations with hia injury) and we can't afford to employ anyone to. We are renting our home, and the containers are currently stored in our backyard. We are moving house soon, and he is frazzled at trying to find somewhere to store his containers as the new yard will be too small. So we will need to lease a 2nd property..
Because of this stress, financial stress, and because he is in pain, he is irritable and frustrated a lot of the time. Although I completely understand why and feel for him, it doesn't make living with it any easier. The way he speaks to the kids and myself is often harsh. When I talk to him about it he gets emotional and says he is worried he will lose us, but he feels he can't help it. If the kids were not involved, I dont know if I'd be here. I am growing resentful of the containers and wish he would sell them, sell all the tools and materials, and revisit the idea later if his back is sorted out. But he has said no to that. I know Im not really following the unschooling idea of supporting family members in their passions, but its hard when there are such big consequences for us all. I try to be positive but I'm losing gusto. Any advice for me? What *do* I have the power to change? How can I live with the depression as best I can, and how to protect the kids from it, whilst not setting kids and dad against one another? Also- what to do/work on re: shipping container idea? Thanks so much. Kerrie.
Some background info- we have 3 children, 7, 4 and 1 yr old. New unschoolers. My partner is a builder. Recently, he aggravated an old back injury which now causes him chronic pain. He has stopped work completely :because of it, and had surgery which was unsuccessful. The pain has caused him to become depressed. We are doing all we can within our budget to manage the pain but its not helping much. Unfortunately, the kind of treatment plan we'd need to undertake (chiro, physio etc) to improve things are outside our budget.. I would like for him to return to work so we can afford these treatments, doing a non-laborious job, but he doesn't want to. Instead, he has come up with an idea that he believes will make us money. He purchased two shipping containers, that he plans on renovating into portable eco accommodation, large machinery/tools and materials to do it. This is an idea he is 100% committed to. I don't really know how this is going to happen as he can't do the physical work (I think hes refusing to accept his limitations with hia injury) and we can't afford to employ anyone to. We are renting our home, and the containers are currently stored in our backyard. We are moving house soon, and he is frazzled at trying to find somewhere to store his containers as the new yard will be too small. So we will need to lease a 2nd property..
Because of this stress, financial stress, and because he is in pain, he is irritable and frustrated a lot of the time. Although I completely understand why and feel for him, it doesn't make living with it any easier. The way he speaks to the kids and myself is often harsh. When I talk to him about it he gets emotional and says he is worried he will lose us, but he feels he can't help it. If the kids were not involved, I dont know if I'd be here. I am growing resentful of the containers and wish he would sell them, sell all the tools and materials, and revisit the idea later if his back is sorted out. But he has said no to that. I know Im not really following the unschooling idea of supporting family members in their passions, but its hard when there are such big consequences for us all. I try to be positive but I'm losing gusto. Any advice for me? What *do* I have the power to change? How can I live with the depression as best I can, and how to protect the kids from it, whilst not setting kids and dad against one another? Also- what to do/work on re: shipping container idea? Thanks so much. Kerrie.
Sandra Dodd
-=-We are moving house soon, and he is frazzled at trying to find somewhere to store his containers as the new yard will be too small. So we will need to lease a 2nd property..-=-
Do you have friends or relatives with a large property?
-=Because of this stress, financial stress, and because he is in pain, he is irritable and frustrated a lot of the time. Although I completely understand why and feel for him, it doesn't make living with it any easier. The way he speaks to the kids and myself is often harsh. When I talk to him about it he gets emotional and says he is worried he will lose us, but he feels he can't help it. -=-
Maybe put it in writing, when you're calm. Don't rush. Say it just the way you want to say it, and lovingly. For the sake of your children, it will help if he can manage to be kind. But try not to say it in evil and guilty ways, but in hopeful and loving ways.
Totally separate from that, maybe make a little spreadsheet or list of expenses that might be involved in storing those containers for a year, three years, five years, as opposed to replacing the most important things that are in them.
Some things can't be replaced. He might have cool vintage tools.
Sandra
Sandra
[Non-text portions of this message have been removed]
Do you have friends or relatives with a large property?
-=Because of this stress, financial stress, and because he is in pain, he is irritable and frustrated a lot of the time. Although I completely understand why and feel for him, it doesn't make living with it any easier. The way he speaks to the kids and myself is often harsh. When I talk to him about it he gets emotional and says he is worried he will lose us, but he feels he can't help it. -=-
Maybe put it in writing, when you're calm. Don't rush. Say it just the way you want to say it, and lovingly. For the sake of your children, it will help if he can manage to be kind. But try not to say it in evil and guilty ways, but in hopeful and loving ways.
Totally separate from that, maybe make a little spreadsheet or list of expenses that might be involved in storing those containers for a year, three years, five years, as opposed to replacing the most important things that are in them.
Some things can't be replaced. He might have cool vintage tools.
Sandra
Sandra
[Non-text portions of this message have been removed]
chris ester
On Thu, May 9, 2013 at 5:51 PM, Sandra Dodd <Sandra@...> wrote:
family history/legacy.
Chris
[Non-text portions of this message have been removed]
> **Or, like my grandfather, father and now brother, have tools with a lot of
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> <<<<<Some things can't be replaced. He might have cool vintage tools.
>
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> Sandra>>>>>>>
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family history/legacy.
Chris
[Non-text portions of this message have been removed]
ehulani56
>Perhaps I'm mistaken, but I think Kerrie means the containers her husband purchased are the ones used to haul stuff overseas - shipping containers. They are huge! Small house-size (to be made into the eco-homes).
> Totally separate from that, maybe make a little spreadsheet or list of expenses that might be involved in storing those containers for a year, three years, five years, as opposed to replacing the most important things that are in them.
>
Storing them will be a problem without acreage or a lot of yard.
Robin B.
Meredith
"K" <keznco@...> wrote:
Just like with a child who's melting down, don't take your husband's depression personally - that might seem obvious, but if he's snapping and snarling as a result of depression and pain, it's easy to react to that... especially if you're already stressed out by the circumstances! So remind yourself as often as necessary and find ways to talk about that with the kids, too. Encourage your husband to talk with the kids, if you think there's a chance he'll do that - he doesn't need to go into all the details of what he's feeling, but it will help if can at least acknowledge that he's having a hard time right now.
I have a partner who struggles with anxiety and depression, and several years ago he had an injury which kept him from being able to work or return to his profession. It helped me to think about other home and unschoolers I know (even casually online) who are single moms or who have disabled partners, and kind of put myself in that mindset - I didn't have another adult I could depend on to take care of business, but goshdangit, if those other women could do it I could too.
You might be able to do smaller things that help some, like occasional chiropractic combined with home yoga practice. Or massage therapy or acupuncture - not a big, costly treatment regimen, but now and then, from someone who can offer exercise and lifestyle advice. It's something to look into and strew information.
If you decide to get a job and office work is in your repertoire, you could look for work at chiropractic and other alternative healthcare offices with that in mind - free therapy may be a perk of the job.
It could be helpful to think in a serious way about what you can do to get by in the short term while he figures things out. For me, that involved getting a job so we had a small but steady income while George worked on getting himself together and then starting a small home business. It might not have been ideal, especially in the short run, but it did give me a sense of security which made it easier for me to be supportive.
---Meredith
>How can I live with the depression as best I can, and how to protect the kids from it, whilst not setting kids and dad against one another?****************
Just like with a child who's melting down, don't take your husband's depression personally - that might seem obvious, but if he's snapping and snarling as a result of depression and pain, it's easy to react to that... especially if you're already stressed out by the circumstances! So remind yourself as often as necessary and find ways to talk about that with the kids, too. Encourage your husband to talk with the kids, if you think there's a chance he'll do that - he doesn't need to go into all the details of what he's feeling, but it will help if can at least acknowledge that he's having a hard time right now.
I have a partner who struggles with anxiety and depression, and several years ago he had an injury which kept him from being able to work or return to his profession. It helped me to think about other home and unschoolers I know (even casually online) who are single moms or who have disabled partners, and kind of put myself in that mindset - I didn't have another adult I could depend on to take care of business, but goshdangit, if those other women could do it I could too.
>>Unfortunately, the kind of treatment plan we'd need to undertake (chiro, physio etc) to improve things are outside our budget..************
You might be able to do smaller things that help some, like occasional chiropractic combined with home yoga practice. Or massage therapy or acupuncture - not a big, costly treatment regimen, but now and then, from someone who can offer exercise and lifestyle advice. It's something to look into and strew information.
If you decide to get a job and office work is in your repertoire, you could look for work at chiropractic and other alternative healthcare offices with that in mind - free therapy may be a perk of the job.
>>(I think hes refusing to accept his limitations with hia injury)You could think of that differently. He's learning about his limitations, certainly - and part of the learning process may involve finding the edges of what he can and cannot do. And he's trying really hard to take care of you and his children - that's big. If he's like most men, he was raised to think of that as His Purpose in a big, big way. And like most men he may expect his work to meet a lot of big emotional needs for him. So he's in the position of trying to figure out how to meet His Purpose without selling out some vital part of himself. Saying "do something easier" may sound, to him, like "your feelings don't really matter, what's important is the paycheck".
It could be helpful to think in a serious way about what you can do to get by in the short term while he figures things out. For me, that involved getting a job so we had a small but steady income while George worked on getting himself together and then starting a small home business. It might not have been ideal, especially in the short run, but it did give me a sense of security which made it easier for me to be supportive.
---Meredith
[email protected]
They are very big - maybe he could find someone who would love them to live in and he could put them on their land and turn them into a 'home' in the near future. That way, he can sell them now, have free storage, and make more money after he finishes the inside. I know several people who would like to live in one.
Molly
From: ehulani56 <robin.bentley@...>
To: [email protected]
Sent: Thursday, May 9, 2013 4:46 PM
Subject: [AlwaysLearning] Re: partner problems
Storing them will be a problem without acreage or a lot of yard.
Robin B.
[Non-text portions of this message have been removed]
Molly
From: ehulani56 <robin.bentley@...>
To: [email protected]
Sent: Thursday, May 9, 2013 4:46 PM
Subject: [AlwaysLearning] Re: partner problems
>Perhaps I'm mistaken, but I think Kerrie means the containers her husband purchased are the ones used to haul stuff overseas - shipping containers. They are huge! Small house-size (to be made into the eco-homes).
> Totally separate from that, maybe make a little spreadsheet or list of expenses that might be involved in storing those containers for a year, three years, five years, as opposed to replacing the most important things that are in them.
>
Storing them will be a problem without acreage or a lot of yard.
Robin B.
[Non-text portions of this message have been removed]