Rules vs Principles: Literally playing with fire
Sarah Stone-Francisco
Sparrow has been obviously fascinated by fire ever since she could talk. It was one of her first words and whenever she sees it (in person or in media) she's mesmerized and/or makes sure we notice it, too. I'm grateful for her awareness on so many levels, and yesterday I started thinking about it in terms of rules vs. principles.
I was cooking her breakfast on a gas stove top and she was standing on a stool watching from a safe distance. When I turned on the flame beneath the pan, the conversation went like this:
Sparrow: "Fire, very hot".
Me: "That's right. Do we play with fire?"
Sparrow: "No, no play with fire."
Me, enthusiastically: "That's right, we don't play with fire."
I was enthusiastic because every time I've asked her if we play with fire (or knives) she's said yes. And I just smile sweetly and say, "No, we don't play with fire, it's very hot and could burn. Ouch."
But I started thinking that lots of people do play with fire. When we go camping some older kids are allowed to safely, but actively participate in building and maintaining the fire. And roasting marshmallows probably looks like playing with fire. We occasionally see fire dancers, who are certainly playing with fire. And most recently was her 2nd birthday; leading up to it she loved practicing blowing out the candles, which, from her perspective probably is playing with fire.
The principle is to stay safe, but it seems to come out sounding like a rule ("Don't play with fire") that is often broken. She doesn't seem confused, yet, but I can't see how this would make sense to her.
I remember from reading here that short and sweet explanations are best: using too many words isn't helpful for someone so young. So, how do I make this distinction for her in a way that keeps her safe but doesn't seem like I'm just being arbitrary?
love, sarah
[Non-text portions of this message have been removed]
I was cooking her breakfast on a gas stove top and she was standing on a stool watching from a safe distance. When I turned on the flame beneath the pan, the conversation went like this:
Sparrow: "Fire, very hot".
Me: "That's right. Do we play with fire?"
Sparrow: "No, no play with fire."
Me, enthusiastically: "That's right, we don't play with fire."
I was enthusiastic because every time I've asked her if we play with fire (or knives) she's said yes. And I just smile sweetly and say, "No, we don't play with fire, it's very hot and could burn. Ouch."
But I started thinking that lots of people do play with fire. When we go camping some older kids are allowed to safely, but actively participate in building and maintaining the fire. And roasting marshmallows probably looks like playing with fire. We occasionally see fire dancers, who are certainly playing with fire. And most recently was her 2nd birthday; leading up to it she loved practicing blowing out the candles, which, from her perspective probably is playing with fire.
The principle is to stay safe, but it seems to come out sounding like a rule ("Don't play with fire") that is often broken. She doesn't seem confused, yet, but I can't see how this would make sense to her.
I remember from reading here that short and sweet explanations are best: using too many words isn't helpful for someone so young. So, how do I make this distinction for her in a way that keeps her safe but doesn't seem like I'm just being arbitrary?
love, sarah
[Non-text portions of this message have been removed]
Sandra Dodd
-=-Sparrow: "Fire, very hot".
Me: "That's right. Do we play with fire?"
Sparrow: "No, no play with fire."
Me, enthusiastically: "That's right, we don't play with fire."-=-
I see too problems. You're asking a rhetorical question, in a teacherly way, instead of actually having a conversation with her.
And you're saying "we" in that irritating way. If a nurse says "how are we feeling," while she's perfectly healthy and mobile, it's tacky. And when a mom in a discussion here says "In our family, we think it's important that children get outside more," or "at my house, we don't believe..." and she's really talking about herself.
There are LOTS of true and interesting things you can say about fire, or about what else is hot.
The thing about blowing candles out is true. Kids who aren't allowed to play with fire are given fire on their birthdays. And then they're told if they blow it out, a wish will come true.
Sacrifice.
Kirby told me that, when he was pretty young. I documented it right away. The story's on this page:
http://sandradodd.com/cake
Sandra
[Non-text portions of this message have been removed]
Me: "That's right. Do we play with fire?"
Sparrow: "No, no play with fire."
Me, enthusiastically: "That's right, we don't play with fire."-=-
I see too problems. You're asking a rhetorical question, in a teacherly way, instead of actually having a conversation with her.
And you're saying "we" in that irritating way. If a nurse says "how are we feeling," while she's perfectly healthy and mobile, it's tacky. And when a mom in a discussion here says "In our family, we think it's important that children get outside more," or "at my house, we don't believe..." and she's really talking about herself.
There are LOTS of true and interesting things you can say about fire, or about what else is hot.
The thing about blowing candles out is true. Kids who aren't allowed to play with fire are given fire on their birthdays. And then they're told if they blow it out, a wish will come true.
Sacrifice.
Kirby told me that, when he was pretty young. I documented it right away. The story's on this page:
http://sandradodd.com/cake
Sandra
[Non-text portions of this message have been removed]
Sandra Dodd
-=-I see too problems. -=-
(Must be sung or chanted...)
I used the wrong two
Nanny, nanny boo boo
(Okay, I'm done now.)
That is one single advantage to facebook over this discussion; I can fix my typos. :-)
I'm sorry to have disturbed the delicate eyes of those folks who have that grammar-and-technicalities-of-writing sensitivity.
I like to play with fire. I guess I think it's nice when people can find ways for young kids to play with fire. I forgot to say that last time.
Roasting marshmallows is traditional. Maybe miniature marshmallows on wooden skewers, over a candle, in the house? All on top of a pizza pan so drips and drops aren't a danger.
Sandra
[Non-text portions of this message have been removed]
(Must be sung or chanted...)
I used the wrong two
Nanny, nanny boo boo
(Okay, I'm done now.)
That is one single advantage to facebook over this discussion; I can fix my typos. :-)
I'm sorry to have disturbed the delicate eyes of those folks who have that grammar-and-technicalities-of-writing sensitivity.
I like to play with fire. I guess I think it's nice when people can find ways for young kids to play with fire. I forgot to say that last time.
Roasting marshmallows is traditional. Maybe miniature marshmallows on wooden skewers, over a candle, in the house? All on top of a pizza pan so drips and drops aren't a danger.
Sandra
[Non-text portions of this message have been removed]
Meredith
Sarah Stone-Francisco <stone_francisco@...> wrote:
Don't look for an explanation, look for ways to change your own behavior. If she's interested in fire, how can you feed that interest safely? Approach it from that angle: how can you help her learn more about something she finds fascinating? Don't mention playing again unless she brings it up and then you can say "I said that wrong, I meant it's important to be careful with fire". Maybe think of something else that's fun, but you need to be careful... skateboarding, swimming, catching snakes, playing with pets!
---Meredith
>> Sparrow: "Fire, very hot".Back when I lived communnally, I once asked the community kids to help me create a list of community rules. They were all able to articulate all the common rules - and yet they all broke all those rules regularly. That's a big problem with kid-statements like "don't play with fire" - the fact that your child can repeat the words to you says nothing at all. Except maybe that she's less likely to "play" with fire in front of you - which is scary, if you have a kid who is fascinated with fire.
> Me: "That's right. Do we play with fire?"
> Sparrow: "No, no play with fire."
>>So, how do I make this distinction for her in a way that keeps her safe but doesn't seem like I'm just being arbitrary?***************
Don't look for an explanation, look for ways to change your own behavior. If she's interested in fire, how can you feed that interest safely? Approach it from that angle: how can you help her learn more about something she finds fascinating? Don't mention playing again unless she brings it up and then you can say "I said that wrong, I meant it's important to be careful with fire". Maybe think of something else that's fun, but you need to be careful... skateboarding, swimming, catching snakes, playing with pets!
---Meredith
CASS KOTRBA
-=- If she's interested in fire, how can you feed that interest safely? Approach it from that angle: how can you help her learn more about something she finds fascinating? -=-
We love playing with fire in this family! If you live in the US I bet she will love sparklers around the 4th of July! And I think most people would agree that the best part about camping is the campfire! We love collecting fuel for the fire, starting it, adding more wood, watching it grow, watching the flames dance, feeling the heat, roasting leaves, acorns, pinecones, marshmallows, lighting the top of a small stick and pretending to smoke it, boiling water with herbs to see what happens... At two your daughter would need a lot of supervision to be safe but given that, fire can be very interesting in the right situation.
-Cass
[Non-text portions of this message have been removed]
We love playing with fire in this family! If you live in the US I bet she will love sparklers around the 4th of July! And I think most people would agree that the best part about camping is the campfire! We love collecting fuel for the fire, starting it, adding more wood, watching it grow, watching the flames dance, feeling the heat, roasting leaves, acorns, pinecones, marshmallows, lighting the top of a small stick and pretending to smoke it, boiling water with herbs to see what happens... At two your daughter would need a lot of supervision to be safe but given that, fire can be very interesting in the right situation.
-Cass
[Non-text portions of this message have been removed]
Sallyanne
Hi, I'm not sure how old Sparrow is, I may have missed that but if she understands 'hot', to me, a simple "fire is hot" or younger..." If we touch fire it is owwey".
It's the truth, it's not a rule, and it lets them know its not a good idea to touch.
For my children (who were all fascinated with fire) at about 3-4 I played with fire with them. Often.
My aunty hid under a bed as a small child and lit matches. A wet nighty saved her life so the story goes. She hid because she wasn't allowed to play with matches
This decision, to play with my kids, with matches, was made for my daughter back before I knew anything about homeschooling, let alone Unschooling and I was aware that and kindy or school she may come into contact with things that were generally restricted at home, through other children so I decided to arm her with a different set of 'rules'... Still rules mind you.
We started playing with matches. I taught all my children at that age to always light them away from their body, to play with them with me and I always made a bit of a production out of getting a bowl of water and scanning my environment for flammables and choosing a 'safer' place to play. Ie stainless steel bench or on concrete versus on bed.
They weren't rules in the sense of "this is what you HAVE to do" but they were 'my' rules and what I always did so very quickly they learned to do the same things every time they lit a match and they got water out for years every time. At 12-13 and 19 they no longer do and neither do I. I'm not sure when that stopped.
I felt fairly confident that at a young age if they were at home they would come to me if they wanted to use matches, because I would say yes.
I also felt confident that somewhere else IF they were in an environment where they, or other children, WERE being sneaky that at least they would have water and light them away from their bodies, put the spent matches in water and look at what could light.
My boys still like to play with fire. They love to make camp fires and play 'hobos'. They ALWAYS check how windy it is, how dry it is, and have a hose ready. And that's just come from us doing that in front of them.
Sometimes they have under estimated the wind, briefly, and the hose has been needed, but they are aware and I trust them.
Hope some of this helps
Sallyanne
Sent from my iPhone
It's the truth, it's not a rule, and it lets them know its not a good idea to touch.
For my children (who were all fascinated with fire) at about 3-4 I played with fire with them. Often.
My aunty hid under a bed as a small child and lit matches. A wet nighty saved her life so the story goes. She hid because she wasn't allowed to play with matches
This decision, to play with my kids, with matches, was made for my daughter back before I knew anything about homeschooling, let alone Unschooling and I was aware that and kindy or school she may come into contact with things that were generally restricted at home, through other children so I decided to arm her with a different set of 'rules'... Still rules mind you.
We started playing with matches. I taught all my children at that age to always light them away from their body, to play with them with me and I always made a bit of a production out of getting a bowl of water and scanning my environment for flammables and choosing a 'safer' place to play. Ie stainless steel bench or on concrete versus on bed.
They weren't rules in the sense of "this is what you HAVE to do" but they were 'my' rules and what I always did so very quickly they learned to do the same things every time they lit a match and they got water out for years every time. At 12-13 and 19 they no longer do and neither do I. I'm not sure when that stopped.
I felt fairly confident that at a young age if they were at home they would come to me if they wanted to use matches, because I would say yes.
I also felt confident that somewhere else IF they were in an environment where they, or other children, WERE being sneaky that at least they would have water and light them away from their bodies, put the spent matches in water and look at what could light.
My boys still like to play with fire. They love to make camp fires and play 'hobos'. They ALWAYS check how windy it is, how dry it is, and have a hose ready. And that's just come from us doing that in front of them.
Sometimes they have under estimated the wind, briefly, and the hose has been needed, but they are aware and I trust them.
Hope some of this helps
Sallyanne
Sent from my iPhone
On 21/04/2013, at 6:41 AM, "Meredith" <plaidpanties666@...> wrote:
> Sarah Stone-Francisco <stone_francisco@...> wrote:
> >> Sparrow: "Fire, very hot".
> > Me: "That's right. Do we play with fire?"
> > Sparrow: "No, no play with fire."
>
> Back when I lived communnally, I once asked the community kids to help me create a list of community rules. They were all able to articulate all the common rules - and yet they all broke all those rules regularly. That's a big problem with kid-statements like "don't play with fire" - the fact that your child can repeat the words to you says nothing at all. Except maybe that she's less likely to "play" with fire in front of you - which is scary, if you have a kid who is fascinated with fire.
>
> >>So, how do I make this distinction for her in a way that keeps her safe but doesn't seem like I'm just being arbitrary?
> ***************
>
> Don't look for an explanation, look for ways to change your own behavior. If she's interested in fire, how can you feed that interest safely? Approach it from that angle: how can you help her learn more about something she finds fascinating? Don't mention playing again unless she brings it up and then you can say "I said that wrong, I meant it's important to be careful with fire". Maybe think of something else that's fun, but you need to be careful... skateboarding, swimming, catching snakes, playing with pets!
>
> ---Meredith
>
>
[Non-text portions of this message have been removed]
Tam
Sandra said ==I like to play with fire. I guess I think it's nice when people can find ways for young kids to play with fire. I forgot to say that last time. ==
My four year old is fascinated by fire at the moment, one of the things we've been doing that he loves is squirting pictures and letters onto a baking tray using hand sanitiser gel and then lighting it. It looks great and makes good sounds too, and it's fascinating how the flame progresses. Hes been really excited to take photos of it too.
Tam
[Non-text portions of this message have been removed]
My four year old is fascinated by fire at the moment, one of the things we've been doing that he loves is squirting pictures and letters onto a baking tray using hand sanitiser gel and then lighting it. It looks great and makes good sounds too, and it's fascinating how the flame progresses. Hes been really excited to take photos of it too.
Tam
[Non-text portions of this message have been removed]
Sara Evans
Fire is very interesting. I have a spotty track record with it.
My kids have enjoyed squeezing Orange peels into a tea light since they
were quite young. The oils in the peel will cause the flame to ignite in a
stream. It is fun for them to try to get the biggest "spark" out of a
peel. It was also fun to experiment with different types of citrus to see
which had the most oils, in this way.
Another fun thing is to put corn starch in their hand, and let them blow in
or sprinkle it into the flames. It crackles and sparked, sometimes quite a
bit!
[Non-text portions of this message have been removed]
My kids have enjoyed squeezing Orange peels into a tea light since they
were quite young. The oils in the peel will cause the flame to ignite in a
stream. It is fun for them to try to get the biggest "spark" out of a
peel. It was also fun to experiment with different types of citrus to see
which had the most oils, in this way.
Another fun thing is to put corn starch in their hand, and let them blow in
or sprinkle it into the flames. It crackles and sparked, sometimes quite a
bit!
[Non-text portions of this message have been removed]
Joyce Fetteroll
On Apr 20, 2013, at 12:41 PM, Sarah Stone-Francisco wrote:
Joyce
[Non-text portions of this message have been removed]
> The principle is to stay safe, but it seems to come outIf you're living by principles, you'd find safe ways to explore what interests her. What you said to her sounds like trying to get her to memorize safety rules.
> sounding like a rule ("Don't play with fire") that is often broken
Joyce
[Non-text portions of this message have been removed]
Alex Polikowsky
You can actually touch fire and not get
Burned!
I did a lot as a child. If you take a candle and swipe you finger through the flame( yes through the flame!) close to the wick you do not get burned. Top of the flame is hotter and will burn bottom is no as hot and you can touch!
Still live playing with fire and do it in my wood burning insert.
Ale Polikowsky
Sent from my iPhone
Burned!
I did a lot as a child. If you take a candle and swipe you finger through the flame( yes through the flame!) close to the wick you do not get burned. Top of the flame is hotter and will burn bottom is no as hot and you can touch!
Still live playing with fire and do it in my wood burning insert.
Ale Polikowsky
Sent from my iPhone
On Apr 20, 2013, at 4:12 PM, Sallyanne <smitten.visser@...> wrote:
> Hi, I'm not sure how old Sparrow is, I may have missed that but if she understands 'hot', to me, a simple "fire is hot" or younger..." If we touch fire it is owwey".
> It's the truth, it's not a rule, and it lets them know its not a good idea to touch.
>
> For my children (who were all fascinated with fire) at about 3-4 I played with fire with them. Often.
>
> My aunty hid under a bed as a small child and lit matches. A wet nighty saved her life so the story goes. She hid because she wasn't allowed to play with matches
>
> This decision, to play with my kids, with matches, was made for my daughter back before I knew anything about homeschooling, let alone Unschooling and I was aware that and kindy or school she may come into contact with things that were generally restricted at home, through other children so I decided to arm her with a different set of 'rules'... Still rules mind you.
>
> We started playing with matches. I taught all my children at that age to always light them away from their body, to play with them with me and I always made a bit of a production out of getting a bowl of water and scanning my environment for flammables and choosing a 'safer' place to play. Ie stainless steel bench or on concrete versus on bed.
>
> They weren't rules in the sense of "this is what you HAVE to do" but they were 'my' rules and what I always did so very quickly they learned to do the same things every time they lit a match and they got water out for years every time. At 12-13 and 19 they no longer do and neither do I. I'm not sure when that stopped.
>
> I felt fairly confident that at a young age if they were at home they would come to me if they wanted to use matches, because I would say yes.
>
> I also felt confident that somewhere else IF they were in an environment where they, or other children, WERE being sneaky that at least they would have water and light them away from their bodies, put the spent matches in water and look at what could light.
>
> My boys still like to play with fire. They love to make camp fires and play 'hobos'. They ALWAYS check how windy it is, how dry it is, and have a hose ready. And that's just come from us doing that in front of them.
> Sometimes they have under estimated the wind, briefly, and the hose has been needed, but they are aware and I trust them.
>
> Hope some of this helps
> Sallyanne
>
> Sent from my iPhone
>
> On 21/04/2013, at 6:41 AM, "Meredith" <plaidpanties666@...> wrote:
>
> > Sarah Stone-Francisco <stone_francisco@...> wrote:
> > >> Sparrow: "Fire, very hot".
> > > Me: "That's right. Do we play with fire?"
> > > Sparrow: "No, no play with fire."
> >
> > Back when I lived communnally, I once asked the community kids to help me create a list of community rules. They were all able to articulate all the common rules - and yet they all broke all those rules regularly. That's a big problem with kid-statements like "don't play with fire" - the fact that your child can repeat the words to you says nothing at all. Except maybe that she's less likely to "play" with fire in front of you - which is scary, if you have a kid who is fascinated with fire.
> >
> > >>So, how do I make this distinction for her in a way that keeps her safe but doesn't seem like I'm just being arbitrary?
> > ***************
> >
> > Don't look for an explanation, look for ways to change your own behavior. If she's interested in fire, how can you feed that interest safely? Approach it from that angle: how can you help her learn more about something she finds fascinating? Don't mention playing again unless she brings it up and then you can say "I said that wrong, I meant it's important to be careful with fire". Maybe think of something else that's fun, but you need to be careful... skateboarding, swimming, catching snakes, playing with pets!
> >
> > ---Meredith
> >
> >
>
> [Non-text portions of this message have been removed]
>
>
[Non-text portions of this message have been removed]
CASS KOTRBA
-=- If you take a candle and swipe you finger through the flame( yes through the flame!) close to the wick you do not get burned. Top of the flame is hotter and will burn bottom is no as hot and you can touch!-=-
And how about dipping your fingertips in the melted wax around the wick? Then peeling the cooled wax off of your fingertips and playing with the little cup shaped bits of wax.
-Cass
[Non-text portions of this message have been removed]
And how about dipping your fingertips in the melted wax around the wick? Then peeling the cooled wax off of your fingertips and playing with the little cup shaped bits of wax.
-Cass
[Non-text portions of this message have been removed]
Sandra Dodd
-=-My kids have enjoyed squeezing Orange peels into a tea light since they
were quite young. The oils in the peel will cause the flame to ignite in a
stream. It is fun for them to try to get the biggest "spark" out of a
peel. It was also fun to experiment with different types of citrus to see
which had the most oils, in this way.-=-
When my kids were little we would do that at medieval feasts, because we were very active in the Society for Creative Anachronism, in a place where candlelit feasts were regular occurences. Some people live where they dont turn the lights off, and here, lately, it's less expected and done than it was 15, 20 years ago. But if there are oranges and candles, it's a good combination. It's hard to describe how to do it, but hold the outside of a piece of peel near the side of a candleflame and fold it quickly so that little bits of the oil squirt out.
I didn't know about corn starch!
My kids were around camp fires a lot, too. And when Holly was five and Kirby was 11, we moved to a house with a fireplace and the all got to help light fires and keep them going, and helped keep the house safe.
Holly wrote something when she was 19, of a memory of falling asleep at a campfire with her dad holding her, when she was seven years old (in the box down on the right): http://sandradodd.com/sleep/memories
I know my kids were around more fire than some kids, but even having candles out sometimes can keep it from being a forbidden mystery, which is more dangerous.
Sandra
[Non-text portions of this message have been removed]
were quite young. The oils in the peel will cause the flame to ignite in a
stream. It is fun for them to try to get the biggest "spark" out of a
peel. It was also fun to experiment with different types of citrus to see
which had the most oils, in this way.-=-
When my kids were little we would do that at medieval feasts, because we were very active in the Society for Creative Anachronism, in a place where candlelit feasts were regular occurences. Some people live where they dont turn the lights off, and here, lately, it's less expected and done than it was 15, 20 years ago. But if there are oranges and candles, it's a good combination. It's hard to describe how to do it, but hold the outside of a piece of peel near the side of a candleflame and fold it quickly so that little bits of the oil squirt out.
I didn't know about corn starch!
My kids were around camp fires a lot, too. And when Holly was five and Kirby was 11, we moved to a house with a fireplace and the all got to help light fires and keep them going, and helped keep the house safe.
Holly wrote something when she was 19, of a memory of falling asleep at a campfire with her dad holding her, when she was seven years old (in the box down on the right): http://sandradodd.com/sleep/memories
I know my kids were around more fire than some kids, but even having candles out sometimes can keep it from being a forbidden mystery, which is more dangerous.
Sandra
[Non-text portions of this message have been removed]
[email protected]
---If she's interested in fire, how can you feed that interest safely? Approach it
from that angle: how can you help her learn more about something she finds
fascinating?---
My little guy was (and still is really fascinated by fire). We would help him be safe around fire, and give him opportunities to safely be with fire as often as we would have them. He would be beside us with his own stick toasting marshmallows, putting wood on the fire from safe distances, we facilitated his play with fire, experiments, while close to us and answered any questions and told him what we knew too, about fire and safety and the nature of this wonderful stuff.
Three elements of fire are heat, fuel and oxygen. Fire cannot continue to grow and burn if it is missing one of those elements. :)
One night we had a small fire at a friends home, she had a child the same age (5) who had never been allowed to play with or around fire. My son, carefully helped to light the fire with his dad, all the while explaining to the other boy (not unschooled) that fire can get out of hand, and to take care.
My son, who had always helped with fire stood back and watched the fire glow, his friend meanwhile was being told "not to go near that fire!" and had heard so many "no's" in his life already that he ignored his mum and went about picking up sticks from the fire that were burning on one end and started trying to set fire to grass and other random things around the yard.
which gave his mum more reason to keep parroting rules and setting limits.
Thankfully my partner is trusted by this little boy and he was able to help him play safely with fire after asking his mum if some guidance would be welcome.
I do feel that facilitating and giving tools for careful experimentation and play is beneficial because there is no need for the child to "do it while the adults aren't looking" or, get sneaky dangerous and rebel.
~Holly
from that angle: how can you help her learn more about something she finds
fascinating?---
My little guy was (and still is really fascinated by fire). We would help him be safe around fire, and give him opportunities to safely be with fire as often as we would have them. He would be beside us with his own stick toasting marshmallows, putting wood on the fire from safe distances, we facilitated his play with fire, experiments, while close to us and answered any questions and told him what we knew too, about fire and safety and the nature of this wonderful stuff.
Three elements of fire are heat, fuel and oxygen. Fire cannot continue to grow and burn if it is missing one of those elements. :)
One night we had a small fire at a friends home, she had a child the same age (5) who had never been allowed to play with or around fire. My son, carefully helped to light the fire with his dad, all the while explaining to the other boy (not unschooled) that fire can get out of hand, and to take care.
My son, who had always helped with fire stood back and watched the fire glow, his friend meanwhile was being told "not to go near that fire!" and had heard so many "no's" in his life already that he ignored his mum and went about picking up sticks from the fire that were burning on one end and started trying to set fire to grass and other random things around the yard.
which gave his mum more reason to keep parroting rules and setting limits.
Thankfully my partner is trusted by this little boy and he was able to help him play safely with fire after asking his mum if some guidance would be welcome.
I do feel that facilitating and giving tools for careful experimentation and play is beneficial because there is no need for the child to "do it while the adults aren't looking" or, get sneaky dangerous and rebel.
~Holly
--- In [email protected], "Meredith" <plaidpanties666@...> wrote:
>
> Sarah Stone-Francisco <stone_francisco@> wrote:
> >> Sparrow: "Fire, very hot".
> > Me: "That's right. Do we play with fire?"
> > Sparrow: "No, no play with fire."
>
> Back when I lived communnally, I once asked the community kids to help me create a list of community rules. They were all able to articulate all the common rules - and yet they all broke all those rules regularly. That's a big problem with kid-statements like "don't play with fire" - the fact that your child can repeat the words to you says nothing at all. Except maybe that she's less likely to "play" with fire in front of you - which is scary, if you have a kid who is fascinated with fire.
>
> >>So, how do I make this distinction for her in a way that keeps her safe but doesn't seem like I'm just being arbitrary?
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> Don't look for an explanation, look for ways to change your own behavior. If she's interested in fire, how can you feed that interest safely? Approach it from that angle: how can you help her learn more about something she finds fascinating? Don't mention playing again unless she brings it up and then you can say "I said that wrong, I meant it's important to be careful with fire". Maybe think of something else that's fun, but you need to be careful... skateboarding, swimming, catching snakes, playing with pets!
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> ---Meredith
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