re: feeling controlled
Lillie M
**Are they things that would help any family? It's good to keep the
discussion on unschooling, but if there are things that could help a
traumatized child, wouldn't they help any child who seemed needy, for any
reason?
**Could you put some of the suggestions out here?**
One of them is called 10-20-10. It means you spend 10 minutes with your
child as they are waking up, then 20 minutes in mid-afternoon and then 10
minutes at bedtime. You sit quietly with your child or do whatever the
child wants or suggests. You don't check your email or talk on your
smartphone. 100 % of your attention is on your child. It helps to give a
child a calm start to the day, then a calming 20 minutes later during the
day, then a calm time at night.
Another thing is to keep in mind that, for whatever reason, your child may
be considerably younger emotionally than their chronological age. Meet
your child at their emotional age.. When my 10 year old reverts to age 2
or 3 or 4, I meet her there instead of insisting that she "grow up."
Neither of these is original with me. They come out of research done by
folks who work with traumatized children. But I think you are right,
Sandra. They will work with any needy child and dovetail nicely with
attachment parenting.
Tress
[Non-text portions of this message have been removed]
discussion on unschooling, but if there are things that could help a
traumatized child, wouldn't they help any child who seemed needy, for any
reason?
**Could you put some of the suggestions out here?**
One of them is called 10-20-10. It means you spend 10 minutes with your
child as they are waking up, then 20 minutes in mid-afternoon and then 10
minutes at bedtime. You sit quietly with your child or do whatever the
child wants or suggests. You don't check your email or talk on your
smartphone. 100 % of your attention is on your child. It helps to give a
child a calm start to the day, then a calming 20 minutes later during the
day, then a calm time at night.
Another thing is to keep in mind that, for whatever reason, your child may
be considerably younger emotionally than their chronological age. Meet
your child at their emotional age.. When my 10 year old reverts to age 2
or 3 or 4, I meet her there instead of insisting that she "grow up."
Neither of these is original with me. They come out of research done by
folks who work with traumatized children. But I think you are right,
Sandra. They will work with any needy child and dovetail nicely with
attachment parenting.
Tress
[Non-text portions of this message have been removed]
BRIAN POLIKOWSKY
I f I had a child, traumatized or not, that had big needs of total attention and I was giving her only the prescribed 10-20-10 do you think that would be fulfilling her needs??
When a child needs your attention give it to her.
"If you want to measure, measure generously. If you want to give, give generously. If you want to unschool, or be a mindful parent, give, give, give. You'll find after a few years that you still have everything you thought you had given away, and more." Sandra Dodd
hack my kids needed way more than 40 minutes of undivided attention when they were 4.
As they grow older they need it less.
But some kids have bigger needs then others.
If you need water and someone gives you a glass and you still need more water but they tell you that was enough , did the need for water go away?
Alex Polikowsky
________________________________
From: Lillie M <milesdt@...>
To: "[email protected]" <[email protected]>
Sent: Monday, April 15, 2013 12:58 PM
Subject: [AlwaysLearning] re: feeling controlled
**Are they things that would help any family? It's good to keep the
discussion on unschooling, but if there are things that could help a
traumatized child, wouldn't they help any child who seemed needy, for any
reason?
**Could you put some of the suggestions out here?**
One of them is called 10-20-10. It means you spend 10 minutes with your
child as they are waking up, then 20 minutes in mid-afternoon and then 10
minutes at bedtime. You sit quietly with your child or do whatever the
child wants or suggests. You don't check your email or talk on your
smartphone. 100 % of your attention is on your child. It helps to give a
child a calm start to the day, then a calming 20 minutes later during the
day, then a calm time at night.
Another thing is to keep in mind that, for whatever reason, your child may
be considerably younger emotionally than their chronological age. Meet
your child at their emotional age.. When my 10 year old reverts to age 2
or 3 or 4, I meet her there instead of insisting that she "grow up."
Neither of these is original with me. They come out of research done by
folks who work with traumatized children. But I think you are right,
Sandra. They will work with any needy child and dovetail nicely with
attachment parenting.
Tress
[Non-text portions of this message have been removed]
[Non-text portions of this message have been removed]
When a child needs your attention give it to her.
"If you want to measure, measure generously. If you want to give, give generously. If you want to unschool, or be a mindful parent, give, give, give. You'll find after a few years that you still have everything you thought you had given away, and more." Sandra Dodd
hack my kids needed way more than 40 minutes of undivided attention when they were 4.
As they grow older they need it less.
But some kids have bigger needs then others.
If you need water and someone gives you a glass and you still need more water but they tell you that was enough , did the need for water go away?
Alex Polikowsky
________________________________
From: Lillie M <milesdt@...>
To: "[email protected]" <[email protected]>
Sent: Monday, April 15, 2013 12:58 PM
Subject: [AlwaysLearning] re: feeling controlled
**Are they things that would help any family? It's good to keep the
discussion on unschooling, but if there are things that could help a
traumatized child, wouldn't they help any child who seemed needy, for any
reason?
**Could you put some of the suggestions out here?**
One of them is called 10-20-10. It means you spend 10 minutes with your
child as they are waking up, then 20 minutes in mid-afternoon and then 10
minutes at bedtime. You sit quietly with your child or do whatever the
child wants or suggests. You don't check your email or talk on your
smartphone. 100 % of your attention is on your child. It helps to give a
child a calm start to the day, then a calming 20 minutes later during the
day, then a calm time at night.
Another thing is to keep in mind that, for whatever reason, your child may
be considerably younger emotionally than their chronological age. Meet
your child at their emotional age.. When my 10 year old reverts to age 2
or 3 or 4, I meet her there instead of insisting that she "grow up."
Neither of these is original with me. They come out of research done by
folks who work with traumatized children. But I think you are right,
Sandra. They will work with any needy child and dovetail nicely with
attachment parenting.
Tress
[Non-text portions of this message have been removed]
[Non-text portions of this message have been removed]
seamanjane
Thank you for this Tress, this is most helpful as my daughter did indeed suffer trauma during pregnancy and the first year of her life.
--- In [email protected], Lillie M <milesdt@...> wrote:
>
> **Are they things that would help any family? It's good to keep the
> discussion on unschooling, but if there are things that could help a
> traumatized child, wouldn't they help any child who seemed needy, for any
> reason?
>
> **Could you put some of the suggestions out here?**
>
> One of them is called 10-20-10. It means you spend 10 minutes with your
> child as they are waking up, then 20 minutes in mid-afternoon and then 10
> minutes at bedtime. You sit quietly with your child or do whatever the
> child wants or suggests. You don't check your email or talk on your
> smartphone. 100 % of your attention is on your child. It helps to give a
> child a calm start to the day, then a calming 20 minutes later during the
> day, then a calm time at night.
>
> Another thing is to keep in mind that, for whatever reason, your child may
> be considerably younger emotionally than their chronological age. Meet
> your child at their emotional age.. When my 10 year old reverts to age 2
> or 3 or 4, I meet her there instead of insisting that she "grow up."
>
> Neither of these is original with me. They come out of research done by
> folks who work with traumatized children. But I think you are right,
> Sandra. They will work with any needy child and dovetail nicely with
> attachment parenting.
>
> Tress
>
>
> [Non-text portions of this message have been removed]
>
Lillie M
The 10-20-10 is meant to be the minimum, not a limit. The trauma therapist
who designed it was assuming that the child would be in school and that
both parents (or the single parent) would be working outside the home. In
reality, many traumatized children do need much more. My daughter did and
still does. That's why I am at home with her 24/7.
For more info, do a youtube search for videos by Bryan Post, the therapist
mentioned above.
Tress
On Monday, April 15, 2013, BRIAN POLIKOWSKY <polykowholsteins@...>
wrote:
that would be fulfilling her needs??
give. You'll find after a few years that you still have everything you
thought you had given away, and more." Sandra Dodd
who designed it was assuming that the child would be in school and that
both parents (or the single parent) would be working outside the home. In
reality, many traumatized children do need much more. My daughter did and
still does. That's why I am at home with her 24/7.
For more info, do a youtube search for videos by Bryan Post, the therapist
mentioned above.
Tress
On Monday, April 15, 2013, BRIAN POLIKOWSKY <polykowholsteins@...>
wrote:
>attention and I was giving her only the prescribed 10-20-10 do you think
>
> I f I had a child, traumatized or not, that had big needs of total
that would be fulfilling her needs??
>generously. If you want to unschool, or be a mindful parent, give, give,
> When a child needs your attention give it to her.
>
> "If you want to measure, measure generously. If you want to give, give
give. You'll find after a few years that you still have everything you
thought you had given away, and more." Sandra Dodd
>they were 4.
> hack my kids needed way more than 40 minutes of undivided attention when
> As they grow older they need it less.water but they tell you that was enough , did the need for water go away?
>
> But some kids have bigger needs then others.
>
> If you need water and someone gives you a glass and you still need more
>[Non-text portions of this message have been removed]
>
> Alex Polikowsky
>
>
>
>
> ________________________________
> From: Lillie M <milesdt@...>
> To: "[email protected]" <[email protected]>
> Sent: Monday, April 15, 2013 12:58 PM
> Subject: [AlwaysLearning] re: feeling controlled
>
>
>
> **Are they things that would help any family? It's good to keep the
> discussion on unschooling, but if there are things that could help a
> traumatized child, wouldn't they help any child who seemed needy, for any
> reason?
>
> **Could you put some of the suggestions out here?**
>
> One of them is called 10-20-10. It means you spend 10 minutes with your
> child as they are waking up, then 20 minutes in mid-afternoon and then 10
> minutes at bedtime. You sit quietly with your child or do whatever the
> child wants or suggests. You don't check your email or talk on your
> smartphone. 100 % of your attention is on your child. It helps to give a
> child a calm start to the day, then a calming 20 minutes later during the
> day, then a calm time at night.
>
> Another thing is to keep in mind that, for whatever reason, your child may
> be considerably younger emotionally than their chronological age. Meet
> your child at their emotional age.. When my 10 year old reverts to age 2
> or 3 or 4, I meet her there instead of insisting that she "grow up."
>
> Neither of these is original with me. They come out of research done by
> folks who work with traumatized children. But I think you are right,
> Sandra. They will work with any needy child and dovetail nicely with
> attachment parenting.
>
> Tress
>
> [Non-text portions of this message have been removed]
>
> [Non-text portions of this message have been removed]
>
>
Meredith
Lillie M <milesdt@...> wrote:
It helps to assume your kids are doing the best they can with the resources they have. If your child is struggling, he's struggling! He's not trying to drive you crazy or run your life, he's trying to get his needs met and, being a child, doesn't have a lot of good ways to do so.
---Meredith
>> ... you spend 10 minutes with yourIf you have a child who needs a lot of attention, being there right when he wakes up is a good idea - no need to limit it to 10 minutes! That's a good example of what I mean by offering attention proactively: don't wait for your kid to come to you, plan on being there ahead of time. I resisted that kind of thinking at first, when Ray was little. He needed soooooo much attention and the idea of giving him more seemed overwhelming. But it made such a difference to actively choose to do it.
> child as they are waking up
>your child mayIt's also fairly common for parents with their first child to have wildly unrealistic expectations as to what's developmentally normal. Kids with big vocabularies in particular can "fake out" parents, who expect them to understand (intellectually and emotionally) more than they're really capable of grasping.
> be considerably younger emotionally than their chronological age
It helps to assume your kids are doing the best they can with the resources they have. If your child is struggling, he's struggling! He's not trying to drive you crazy or run your life, he's trying to get his needs met and, being a child, doesn't have a lot of good ways to do so.
---Meredith
Sandra Dodd
-=-When my 10 year old reverts to age 2
or 3 or 4, I meet her there instead of insisting that she "grow up."-=-
I think unschooling requires that parents meet their children where they are, and that will vary with any child. It's harmful to think of it as "reverting," instead of seeing that "maturity" and age are not smooth curves with no variations. Sometimes adults want to be silly, and sometimes adults are stressed and feel helpless and frustrated and need help. Sometimes a child can step up and be extremely responsible for a while, and then might want to suck her thumb and fall asleep with a lovey. That's normal.
I can see how the 10-20-10 formula would work for a family where the child was in school, or one of many foster children, and the parent was busy with a fulltime job or many other foster children, and it could be a helpful therapeutic tool. And it might be helpful for the mom of the four year old who needs to take some steps back herself and bond differently.
For advice for a family where the child is home as much as unschoolers are, it seems a tiny bit of time and attention.
When families are separated by work and school, they might only know each other slightly, after a while. Good unschoolers will learn to know each child's interests and temperaments, moods and fears, if they're doing it right and well.
Sandra
[Non-text portions of this message have been removed]
or 3 or 4, I meet her there instead of insisting that she "grow up."-=-
I think unschooling requires that parents meet their children where they are, and that will vary with any child. It's harmful to think of it as "reverting," instead of seeing that "maturity" and age are not smooth curves with no variations. Sometimes adults want to be silly, and sometimes adults are stressed and feel helpless and frustrated and need help. Sometimes a child can step up and be extremely responsible for a while, and then might want to suck her thumb and fall asleep with a lovey. That's normal.
I can see how the 10-20-10 formula would work for a family where the child was in school, or one of many foster children, and the parent was busy with a fulltime job or many other foster children, and it could be a helpful therapeutic tool. And it might be helpful for the mom of the four year old who needs to take some steps back herself and bond differently.
For advice for a family where the child is home as much as unschoolers are, it seems a tiny bit of time and attention.
When families are separated by work and school, they might only know each other slightly, after a while. Good unschoolers will learn to know each child's interests and temperaments, moods and fears, if they're doing it right and well.
Sandra
[Non-text portions of this message have been removed]